AN ITALIAN SALVO

LETTING A HO BE A HO: One Woman’s Study in Socio-Economic Ass Fucking, Head Pissing and Sexual Deviancy.

OK. First of all I know that in the REAL world everyone is getting glossed with titles that more accurately reflect their totally delusional belief that their miserable shit stains of a life are worth two Chinese farts. The secretary of yesteryear is the ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT of today. The former retard is now DEVELOPMENTALLY DISABLED. And the right wing prick is now the COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATIVE.

Fuck that.

At MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME we call a BUM a BUM, a CHICK a BROAD, and in this instance, a HO, you got it: a HO.

HOWEVER…yielding to her self-proclaimed desire to cool shit out for the REST of the world we will yield in this one instance and to her preference call our HO of the MONTH, a SEX WORKER.

And so it seems after talking to her (talking? fucking? What’s the difference?) that Sex Workers are getting smarter. Or maybe I’m getting stupider. (Editor’s Note: And fatter. And balder. And angrier.)

Anyways, Nixy is a 33-year-old HO, I mean Sex Worker, who is relatively “new” to the business. A native of Los Angeles, Nixy spends her time between San Francisco and Los Angeles plying her trade as a HO, I mean Sex Worker.

A graduate of an extremely prestigious California University with a degree in Mathematics and Business I found her to be extremely intelligent and not at all one of those stupid ass cunts you could pick up on a corner in Anytown USA. I know all you cynical fucks are saying, “lousy lay!” But I didn’t get that at all from talking to this chick. In fact she seemed to be a real freaky bitch, up for just about anything. It seems the smart ones fuck not because they’re strung out on dope or crack; they fuck because they like it.

And this is where the goddamned MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME Research Center science part of it comes in, because strange as it may seem, Nixy kind of just fell into the business. In San Francisco for an Audioslave concert they decided to post an ad on Craigslist.com “Golden Shower Princess.” Seems innocent enough.

It’s a Princess Mommy, Holy shit!

But after posting her ad she looked at her email and found that she had 95 responses. Ninety-five responses in 6 hours. That’s a whole lotta Piss! She had already worked as massage therapist, you know just lightly touching Ding Dongs, nothing serious, and knew from her schooling that such a demand in a service could and would be marketable.

So she gave it a shot, you know, just to see what the market would bear. On her first foray as a full-fledged Pee Pee HO Nixy charged a paltry sum of 80 dollars to pee on some dude in the bathtub.

Look Mommy, it’s a Princess.

Charging so little Nixy found herself inundated with work and her clients inundated with Piss. Being limited by time and the size of her bladder Nixy figured it was time to raise her price, you know, see what the market would bear. At 120 dollars Nixy found a Niche in Fetish work. She also found that she got off on having guys staring up at her cooch, jacking off while she pissed on their heads.

The next weekend she decided to post another ad in the online bulletin board, this one would be titled: “Strap-on Princess” She had commented that she would often use the strap on in her personal life and found it to be enjoyable to be the occasional fucker instead of perennial fuckee.

Look Mommy, it’s…

(Enough already!—Eds.)

This ad had generated lots of responses as well. Evidently there are a lot of dudes out there who want and need to get blasted in the culo by some chick. She was charging 150 for this service and found it interesting how quickly and with what intensity these guys would cum while they were getting keestered. At 150 there was no short supply of clients. The sissy boys made a beeline for Nixy’s door cash in hand and belts unbuckled.

But WERE they sissies? Were they prancing, mincing, dancing habitués of the world of light loafery, butt pluggery and cum suckery? The MACK AVENUE SKULL RESEARCH CENTER needed to know about all the pissing on the heads, dudes getting fucked in the ass, and their ages and socio-economic status despite the fact that it was making US feel GAY.

But taking a close look at the facts, it seems that the guys who were getting pissed on seemed to be in their 40s and 50s, well off, probably in positions of power where they shit on people all day; figuratively of course. In their leisure time these men probably enjoy being made to pay for whatever social injustice they meted out throughout the day. Therein lies the reason your Doctor/ Lawyer/ CPA/ CEO/ whatever, is laying in a bathtub somewhere drenched in piss pulling on his ding dong.

Hmmm…Interesting.

Now, the other category of Nixy’s Deviants is actually quite interesting: The men who like to get poked by women with strap-on’s tended to be young, 20s and early 30s, good looking, like they stepped off the cover of G.Q magazine. Probably acting out what their daily workaday existences are like as check out clerks, sales guys and sweeper uppers.

But wait! Before I get calls from lawyers working for G.Q. I AM NOT SAYING THAT ALL THE GUYS FROM G.Q. LIKE TO HAVE WIFFLE BALL BATS STUCK UP THEIR ASSES. IM JUST REPEATING WHAT SHE SAID THEY LOOKED LIKE. So please, don’t sue me; it’s just a comparison.

Anyway…It seems like maybe these guys MIGHT have a little sugar in their tank and are having a hard time dealing with it, their sexuality, and the ego-crushing aspect of wearing a name tag to work. But you see, all they really need is a little support when they come screaming out of the closet and I’m here to give it to them as kind of a way to help them figure things out: If you have a woman poke you in your ASS, (dramatic pause), like Jeff Foxworthy says, you might be as gay as the day on Fire Island is long. And that’s OK.

Nixy

So if anyone would like to get a hold of Nixy, you know, to have her piss on your head while you jerky the beef, or maybe you want her to fuck you in your ass or…Take a dump on your chest, or, you know, something. ANYTHING, well Nixy can be reached at http://www.nixy.us. She really seems to like what she does.

How do we know?

What the fuck? You make me ask me too many goddamned questions! You a cop? You saying I’m gay? That I like to skip around hotel rooms with a dildo up my ass while slathered in the piss of 100 college graduates? Shit. “How do you know?” How the fuck do you THINK I know?

Through a “friend.”

And I’m NOT gay.