“Nobody drugged her and fucked her. She might have been drugged. And she was definitely fucked. But we only fuck, we don’t drug. Mostly because we don’t need to.”—Richard Barrios, MaxHardcore.com.
So there we are, me and Sal, and I’m standing there too cool for fucking school and firing up that howitzer mouth of mine while all kinds of celebrity cooze slides by me and around me and I stand there smack talking like a motherfucker.
“Ah. Fuck all of these broads. They might impress these fucking mooks but not ME. You can’t bullshit a bullshitter, baby. I’VE been around. Yup. Seen it all in fact, paisan, and let me tell you after a certain point a guy like me? Yeah, that’s right: NO…LONGER…IMPRESSED. I mean….”
And then turning a corner there she was. Like Betsy from Taxi Driver moving all slow through the crowd like I was dreaming. Or underwater. Or dreaming I was underwater.
“I…you…talkety…talk…YOU…ME…intertalkwith me, PLEASE!!!” Jesus Christ.
She says “Hi.” And I look behind me and there’s no one there so I regain my composure and say “I…you…talkety…talktalk…YOU.” Jesus HHH Christ.
And the punchline here is that she is NO one. Not a name. Not a star. Just a wanna-wanna-wanna get her hands on The Vinster’s Cock. Good thing I was so smooth with the come on.
But now I got the chump leveler on and I gotta get back on the horse and so I turn to my right and there she is.
Felicia Fox.
Asses, asses everywhere, but not a drop to drink!
Standing underneath a banner that reads “Breathtaking Beauty…100% Natural .”
Well this is just the thing I need amidst all of this NON-nature.
“So you’re 100% natural. Like Ivory soap. Is this working as a marketing ploy?”
“Well, it’s different I think. But yeah, it’s been working since I first broke into the business. I mean I used to go out and that was my thing 100% natural. I’ve got a small fan base of guys that like that. Plus there are not that many D breasts out there that are 100% natural.”
“Ohhhhhhhhhh….you mean TITS!!! I thought you meant like hair and toes or shit like that.”
Silence. TOTAL and COMPLETE silence.
“Well do they come with a certificate of authenticity?”
“Isn’t it obvious?”
“Nooo. It’s not obvious.” (Note: Shut the fuck UP! I’m working this here…)
“Oh you’re too nice. But it’s very obvious that my boobs are real. But you’re too nice.”
And she smiles at me extra long before she goes back to signing autographs. But I know what you’re thinking. DID YOU FUCK HER VINNIE?!?!
And the answer is (as always): FUCKING A RIGHT, I DID!
And, oh man, she was great.
ITALIAN SALVOS
Later on Italian Sal, much to his chagrin, discovers that his girl Virginia doesn't appreciate the gifts at all.
QUIEN ES MAS MACHO? HEIDI FLIESS? O NICK NOLTE?
Through my Vicodin-induced haze I seen, her? It? Him? I THINK it was a her thing. She was walking through the Erotic LA Expo like some withered up goblin. Or a desiccated jack o’lantern. Or some sort of a Harry Potter publicity media convergence type thing. But nooooo…this was MUCH scarier than anything AOL Time Warner could EVER dream up. This was a creepy stew of fear, meth, and halitosis. This could be only one of two things: Heidi Fleiss!…Or, ah, Nick Nolte.
Talking Points:
1. Things that go bump in the night: Both Heidi and Nick are abso-fucking-lutely frightening.
2. Alleged substance abusers: Come on, I mean really come the fuck on.
3. Withered up stick of beef jerky: Both are pretty much interchangeable in the Slim Jim Commercial. Their bad skin approaches the level of legend in these parts.
4. Media Darlings: Both are absolutely incredible interviews, what with all the nodding out and inappropriate inebriated substance induced behavior.
a) Nick Nolte does an interview wearing a trench coat, sunglasses and one sock, the other sock conveniently stowed away in his trench coat pocket, you know for later. ??????
b) Heidi Fleiss does an interview for the Playboy channel during the Erotic LA expo slumped half conscious on a couch wearing sunglasses and you guessed it, one sock….
5. Harry Potter: Both Heidi and Nick have been rumored to be tapped for the next installment of the Harry Potter movie Dynasty. They may both be playing? You guessed it: The two-headed stick of beef jerky who goes back and forth between sleeping and screaming at people. Now mind you this is just a rumor and should be treated as such.
There it is, I’m not quite sure if anything I brought up is worth discussion but the one thing I am sure of is I am not quite sure who it is I saw last Friday at Erotic LA expo. Was it Heidi? Was it Nick? Fuck if I know.—Italian Sal
Dedicated to the Fool Who Was Just Hospitalized by THIS Man
LAST NIGHT’S FIGHT
Last night I got into a fight
just because I was black,
or was it because I wasn’t white?
Well, this was his reason for the fight.
Although I know it wasn’t right
my reason for the fight
was despite the fact that I was
black or wasn’t white—
but just the fact
that I like to fight.
by darrell gholar
