YO VINNIE,
I've been with my old lady long enough for her to qualify as an OLD lady. I've seen all the articles about keeping the magic alive and such but that's for a patient that's got some signs of life and I'm stuck with a TERRY SCHIAVO deal here. So my question is: once things have irretrievably gone down the toilet, why the fuck are the magazines, my friends, my family, and total strangers (at family gatherings) advising me to stay on? I mean is there an angle here that I have yet to correctly see? P.S. When I say long, I mean about 18 years. -- The 2000 Year Old Man (by email)

"FUCK YOU." "FUCK YOU!" BATHROOM SEX AT ITS FINEST!!!

Dear Mel Brooks: Let's look at the video tape: now when Lesbos [and not the kind that munch rugs and look like GINA GERSHON & MEG TILLY and fuck and fuck until somebody gets killed] get to business in their long-term fluid-bonded fucking partner unions they frequently stumble full flaps forward into what's so piquantly called Lesbian Bed Death. This state frequently positions the puss as being the functional equivalent of a THIRD EYE BLIND record: something nobody in their right mind would want. Unless they were very, very gay and trying to PROVE something. Much like S. JENKINS, Third Eye Blind's sausage-seeking frontman. Anyways, this is what bitches do when left to their own devices. There is, it should be noted, no GAY MALE equivalent to this phenomena since men, when left to their own devices, will fuck 1000 asses, a 1000 different ways up to and including the one that in all likelihood will kill them. This is the elemental man, shorn of the socializing influences of having to fucking LIE to women about what the fuck they want, since it is more than clear to us that they want it all.

French Translation: You are a fag.

English Translation: 18 years is too long for any one MAN to be fucking any one piece of PUSSY.

Now. we're not saying to DUMP her. We ARE saying, goddamn it man, DON'T LET YOUR FUCKING MEAT LOAF. It is a crimes against SkullGame humanity to do so. So go, young sir, and fuck wild. Fuck long. Fuck free.