YO VINNIE,
OK. Same guy who wrote a few weeks ago to ask about the ethical underpinnings of posing as a Female-to-Male Transsexual in order to get laid (you were for it). Anyways, how about this one: Is it wrong to pose as a retard in order to get laid? I ask because I have done just that. All of the women at my gym have been told by my enabling friends that I am a "high-level functioning but developmentally disabled" man. I say HI very loudly and wear bad clothes. I wave. A lot and say HI very loudly. Am I getting laid? Not yet. Am I acting retarded? Yes I am. -- R.S. (by email)

OHHHH....BABY...MY COCK, WHICH I AM SAVING JUST FOR YOU? WELL YES, IT SMELLS LIKE DIRTY COINS. HI! HI! HELLO!!! YES!!! I AM, IN FACT, A RETARD. ISN'T MY HAIR ALONE PROOF OF THAT?!?!

Dear RAIN MAN: Well if the proof of the pudding is in the fucking taste it seems, my intrepid friend, it seems you are eating lots of fucking shit. And apparently enjoying it. Take a look around you. On any street. Almost anywhere in the world. Yes. You will find absolute monsters who have succeeded in securing the social and semen extracting services of a wide variety of Ho. Of course the more monstrous the man is and the better looking the woman is the greater the volume of filthy lucre exchanging hands is, but that's a player hating discussion for another day. The point here is: while we appreciate summer stock theater as much as anybody else, acting like ERNIE BORGNINE is absolutely pointless if pussy is your goal. I mean functionally you'd be better off and might make more headway by just pulling out your cock, pointing to it and saying VIVA LAS VEGAS. Which is really not much different from what you're doing. So, uh, as you were, soldier.