YO VINNIE,
I haven't had a lot of sex. Well if the truth be told, ANY sex. I'm religious. So I'll ask you because I know in your assholish way that you will tell me the truth: I've just been doing a little light touching with my boyfriend, but he doesn't stay hard the whole time. Am I doing something wrong? Is he not turned on by me? -- JASSY (by email)

OH YEAH, BABY. THAT'S GREAT. JUUUUUSSSTT GREAT. SOMETHING I COULD DO MYSELF. WONDERFUL.

Dear SISTER AMY SEMPLE: "Assholish"? Jesus....You kiss your mother with that mouth, sister? So's anyway, you're religious, eh? And this week they're offering some sort of biblical dispensation for cock fondling? Some sort of catechistic catch-22 that let's you tamper with this poor man's tool withOUT going to hell? Hmmm...you know America is built on some sort of bedrock of religious tolerance but I have to say FUCK THAT. What wacky fucking religion is OK'ing The Holy Handjob but preventing The Vaginal Plunge?

Fuck it, don't answer that, just THINK about it, while I answer your question: Yes, there is something you're doing wrong. You won't fuck him, THAT'S what you're doing wrong. And any man over 30 who can keep it up through an inexpertly delivered HANDjob is a man for whom a handjob is probably just about enough. Which sort of answers your second question as well, don't it?