BUT WHY?

"Well, Germany is full of fun-loving, um, Germans who seem to have a marked cultural preference for..."

"PARADES"

"As well as girls named EVA"

"AND MY FRIEND BEINRICH BIMMLER HERE SAYS SHE IS MOST COMPLIANT"

"I frankly don't see any reason why it wouldn't be considered the most perfect vacation destination when on the lam this time of year."

"OUTSIDE OF THE SHE-WOLVES CRAWLING OUT OF EVERY FUCKING HOLE"

"ITALIAN SAL will carefully work to tend our SKULLGAME garden, re-running some of THE BEST OF three times a week. Especially if by 'tend' you mean fucking as many broads as he can until the day before I return when in a mad flurry he'll rush off to quickly take a nap."

AND SPEAKING OF NAUGHTY NAZIS

AS IF THE EYELINER, THE "TRIBAL" TATTOO & THE SIDEBURNS WEREN'T ENOUGH: HE'S COY TOO?

CHATSWORTH (SkullGame) -- Director AXEL BRAUN, no matter how steadfast he has been in his refusal to fight us, was thrilled to see his movie COMPULSION take in two of the recent X-Rated Critics Organization (XRCO) Awards.

His dark and edgy feature fuck flick earned the Best Dark & Edgy Feature Fuck Flick nod, beating out three non-dark and marginally edgy VIVID movies, which is almost like, if all things are considered, beating out a Victoria's Secret catalog. His lead actress, ASHLEY LONG, was also awarded something or other for fucking and sucking very well.

ASHLEY LONG SUCKING AS HARD AS SHE POSSIBLY CAN TO MOST PERFECTLY REALIZE BRAUN'S VISION OF A WORLD WHERE EVERYTHING SUCKS SO VERY HARD

"I'm extremely flattered by the long overdue praise that MY movie has received over the past year. It's always great to see your hard work pay off," says BRAUN, "and in this case it was some really, really hard sucking and fucking work on the part of many talented suckers and fuckers. Getting recognition is a great incentive to keep sucking and fucking better, ultimately raising the sucking and fucking bar. And that's exactly what I intend to do. Well that and throw bagels across the room and scream while stomping off of the set when people don't fuck and suck as hard as I know they can."

CHER'S OLDER, AND RAPACIOUSLY EAGER, AGED WOMAN ACT FRIGHTENING MANY

NO, CHER, NO. LET HIM ESCAPE. TO RUN WILD. AND FREE. AND UNENCUMBERED BY YOUR MOUTH.

HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- Pop "veteran" CHER reportedly fills the backstage area with a "chicken coop" of slave men when she performs so she can pick her favorite manimal post-gig for an evening he'll more and likely never forget as it'll be jampacked with horrors unimaginable.

Responding to reports the singer is dating 27-year-old underwear model Gabriel Aubry, her spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg insists Cher, er, 58, is not romancing the Calvin Klein pin-up, but admits she regularly "fucks the goddamn shit" out of her hunky slave men. At least the one's that are too slow to successfully escape. She claims Cher has fucked so many, she no longer bothers to learn their names. "She's been dating many male models but she doesn't usually ask their names."

And we're quite sure they will never forget hers etched, as it is, in the indelible misery and desperation of trembling lip, palsied shake and reek of Jean Nate.

Will NOTHING stop this intergenerational marauder?

NOW....OFF TO DEUTSCHLAND...UBER ALLES

FRIENDLY GERMANS HELPING UP A FELLOW WHO SEEMS TO HAVE FALLEN ON THEIR BOOTS. AHHH...GERMANY. NEVER DOES A NATION STAND SO TALL AS WHEN IT STOOPS TO HELP THOSE LESS FORTUNATE.