Sports: Bringing people together to recognize our shared humanity.
AND TO FUCK SHIT UP. SINCE ONLY THROUGH OUR COLLECTIVE ACTION CAN WE RECTIFY THE DIVINE INJUSTICE THAT GIVES THE FEW SO MUCH, WHILE GIVING THE MANY SO LITTLE. ESPECIALLY BY WAY OF DECENT GODDAMNED SEATS
A SCIENTIFIC SKULLGAME SPORTS STUDY: PUSSY'S GOOD. UNLESS YOU HAVE PLANS TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN FUCK IT.
A RECENT INSTITUTE STUDY HAS FOUND THAT A WHOPPING 69 PERCENT OF PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES AGREE, "GAMES ARE FUN, BUT PUSSY IS FLEETING. WE'LL TAKE THE PUSSY!!!"
Due to a recently received sports medicine grant, offered to the fraudulently created SG International Global Inc., we here at SKULLGAME have undertaken to protect ourselves from possible future prosecution by actually printing the results of our findings in the hope that it might help aspiring athletes avoid the pitfalls that have claimed some of the sports world's greatest. And to keep us from getting popped on a Bunco rap. So with no further ado.
SG International Global Inc.'s Sports Study On Sex And The Loser Athlete
FIRST CASE: TIGER WOODS
HAVE YOU SEEN ME? AT THE TOP OF THE LEADERBOARD? AT ALL? ANYTIME THIS YEAR? I DIDN'T THINK SO. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME I'VE GOT TO SEE A SWEDE ABOUT A SAUSAGE
An interesting case indeed. TIGER WOODS was on course to be one, if not THE most dominating player the game of golf (not technically a sport because you see a sport is an endeavor where it is not possible to be beaten by a 13-year old girl, unless you are a 13-year old girl, but why quibble?) has ever seen. Until he met the woman who is now his fiancee, ELIN NORDEGREN. Not only is she Swedish, which means from Sweden, a country known for amongst other things rolling ass up for the Nazis and meatballs. She is also a nude figure model.
ELIN NORDEGREN PLANNING ON HOW BEST TO DESTROY TIGER WOODS BEFORE DECIDING ON: PUSSY
Case closed.
SECOND CASE: PETE SAMPRAS
WINNER!!!
We don't really know too much about tennis. Is it a sport? Is it an exercise? We strongly suspect some sort of GAY component but of this we are not sure. In any case PETE SAMPRAS was like THE BEST at it. Especially if by IT you mean skipping around a clay court grunting and whatnot. No matter. He was the best. And then he met "actress" BRIDGETTE WILSON.
NOT ANYMORE. SAMPRAS UNDER THE WATCHFUL AND BALEFUL GLARE OF THE SHE-BEAST WHO CONTROLS HIS EVERY WAKING MOMENT
And then his face became the face of those that envy the dead.
CASE C: ANDY RODDICK
RODDICK STARING INTO THE YAWNING AND GRAYING VOID OF HIS FUTURE
Another tennis player. Another "actress", this one named MANDY MOORE. Maybe it's the effeteness of the sport that breeds a lesser man. Maybe it's the tight white shorts and socks. Maybe since the juiced up, coked out Irishman JOHNNY MAC left the game it's been largely felt to be a safe haven for men who want to lose. We do not know this as it sits beyond the cost parameters of this study. However we do know this: Andy might as well start telling people his last name is GIBB because he is dead.
SUMMARY: Tennis is gay and golf isn't much better.
THE OLYMPIAXS CONTINUES...WITH SKULLGAME'S OWN MAN ON THE STREET: PERRY THE GREEK
EVEN THE PROSTITUTES ARE CHIPPING IN TO MAKE THIS THE GREATEST OLIMPIACS EVER!!!
ATHENS (SkullGame) -- The pageantry, the lights, the, um, the great spectacle of sports competition of the dancing stick and ribbon thing!!! And the 15 year old girls jumping around half dressed!!! The Ompolics somehow restores grandeur to the process of us being the best people we can be as a result of watching as much TV as possible.
THE GREAT GYMNAST LO FAN DOY ABOUT TO PERFORM THE DOUBLE LIP FLIP. LOOK....CLOSER...
There has been much confusion, however, about why the seats at the events are empty, despite the pageantry and glamour, and why the average Greeks are not like the sport of Olmpeaks. Well, an informal survey seems to indicate that the average Greeks are having too many My Big Fat Greek Humping American Tourists events to bother with goddamned soccer. More on this later as my coverage continues.
HOW GAY IS BASEBALL? VERY, VERY, VERY GAY.
THE YANKEE'S MIGUEL CAIRO DOING GODKNOWSWHATEVER GAY THING LEAPT INTO HIS HEAD TO THE HAPLESS, AND ALL-TOO-WILLING, DAVID DELLUCCI
AMERICA (SkullGame) -- America's great pasttime. Mom. Apple pie. Aggressively and frequently applied sodomy?
You bet.
Despite attempts to keep America focused on the broadening steroid scandal, the real and underreported don't ask-don't tell sport's story regards the rampant, ball-grabbingly open application of...how we can we put this? Homosexual agendas. Especially if by agendas you mean JUDY GARLAND records and anal sex.
YOU'RE OUT!!! NOT I'MMMMM NOTTTT....GARY SHEFFIELD'S SECRET IS SAFE WITH US.
While there's not a homophobic bone up our asses, it pains us to see good, decent sports ruined by private acts made public. In a bedroom, not on the field, fellas.
