You want GOOD entertainment. You want it but you don't get it. You get SHIT. At SKULLGAME you get GOOD ENTERTAINMENT SHIT. Here to introduce a sneak peak at our new book is our own ALABAMA ANGER, JOHNNY REB, host of SKULLGAME TV's first major offering STREETPUNCHER. Enjoy.
FILE UNDER: LIKES TO FIGHT
DOES LIFE HAVE A PURPOSE?
MD 20/20
Yes. Yes there is a purpose. For you that purpose seems to be making the rest of us feel better about ourselves. Which you have ably done. Thank you for your time.
WHY WILL NICOLE KIDMAN NOT FUCK ME?
THE ACTRESS' NEW ROBE
Well unless you are a gay man or a rock and roll Negro it has become increasingly clear to at least me that the MIA FARROWesque NICOLE will not have the time of day for you because she's far too busy smoking. Oh, and helping her 12 adopted kids learn how to smoke. And not trimming her bush. And such like things.
SHOULD I FUCK HER? EVEN IF SHE IS A LITTLE DRUNK?
YOU NEED TO ASK?
Thank you for the photo. If this is indeed the woman in question in the photo and that is indeed your hand and there's someone else there taking the picture I believe in adhering to the basic rules of criminal behavior: kill the picture taking witness. Throw them down a well or in a hastily dug grave. And place the photo in your collection amidst all of the others. Glad to be of service.
IS ANGELINA JOLIE JUST PLAYING HARD TO GET?
OHHH YEAHHH. PLENTY HARD TO GET.
Well, son, based on this latest photographic evidence I'd say that I guess not. I guess not and the problem really seems to lay with the fact that I don't think you're Cambodian. Because if you were Cambodian she'd be all up in your game. Are you Cambodian? No? OK, I'll just mark your answer down here as F-A-G-G-O-T.
I GOT THESE GIRLS WHO ARE DOWN TO MAKE MOVIES. CAN YOU HELP?
NO.
Life on rare occasions presents you with these delightful NAKED LUNCH moments. You know when you really take a look at the death on the end of your fork. In this instance, these three harpies. Never write me again.
WHY IS KEIRA KNIGHTLEY UPSET ABOUT HER TITS?
WHO?
I am a Southern Gentleman of letters, sir. What this can mean to you I can't imagine but what it means to me is that I won't tender an opinion about this fine example of white womanhood except to say that her bodice looks just fine to me. Just fine. So very, very fine. Extremely fine. Finer than the fine hairs on a, lord love a duck. I mean thank you for writing.
CAN I FUCK JARROD'S MOM?
ONLY IF SHE'S DRINKING AND YOU'RE DRUNK
I think a better question would be, how could you NOT? And I don't know. I just don't know.
IF I COULD FUCK ANYONE IN HOLLYWOOD IT'D BE CAMERON DIAZ.
LOOK AT ME! I CAN FLY...IN THE WATER NO LESS!
You have made a statement. For this to work you must ask a question. I strongly sense that you will live the rest of your life in a similar miasma of pain and confusion. Good day.
This concludes the first published excerpts of SKULLGAME'S BOOK OF EASY ANSWERS TO LIFE'S HARD FUCKING QUESTIONS. Which was published because we were too fucked out to do anything else but run someone else's shit. Now: naps all around.
