SKULLGAME welcomes a new staffer T-BONE SANTA whose fucking claim to fame is that he made it through our intensive hazing program that includes drinking copious amounts of your own urine, enforced sleeplessness (non-Meth induced), and withering and sardonic looks whenever you turn in a review, no matter how good it is. He has described himself straightfacedly as a "tastemaker" who likes Asian porn. He also says he's not gay. Whatever.
COMMENTARY THAT DREW NOTHING BUT BLANK FUCKING STARES
This just fucking happened. We were trying to come up with questions for this broad, VIDA GUERRA, a name that roughly translated from her fucking native Esperanto means LIFE WAR, when a passing woman said
"YOU DON'T REALLY LIKE WOMEN LIKE THAT, DO YOU?"
NO BABY. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT AT ALL, GODDAMN IT.
REASON NUMBER 38 WHY WE LOVE BRAZIL, WE MEAN OUTSIDE OF THE FACT THAT WE CAN FUCK 48 WOMEN IN 43 DAYS THERE: SOCCER!
WE LOVE SOCCER!!! WE LOVE SOCCER!!! AND TITS!!! WE LOVE TITS!!!
REASON NUMBER 94 WHY WE LOVE BRAZIL: BRAZILIANS AND THEIR INFINITELY SUBLIME CULTURAL SENSITIVITIES
WHAT THE FUCK I GOTTA DO TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU CHING CHONG PEOPLES?!?!
AND HERE WE ARE AT THE DISTINCT POINT IN TIME WHERE YOU BEGIN SENSING THAT WE'VE CROSSED A LINE OF COMMON AND BASIC DECENCY: RIGHT NOW!!!
WHEREIN SKULLGAME WRITER/CONTRIBUTORS DETAIL REMARKABLY SIMILAR, BUT SEPARATE, WEEKEND INCIDENTS
"ALL I SAID WAS 'WHAT'S THE CAR ANTENNA FOR?' THEN NEXT THING THIS BIG, BLACK MOTHERFUCKER GOT ME BY MY SHIRT STUTTERING SOME SHIT ABOUT RESPECT. AND THEN I WOKE UP IN THE AMBULANCE. I'M GLAD YOU ALL THINK THIS IS FUNNY BUT I STILL WANT TO KNOW WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO PAY FOR THAT LITTLE EMERGENCY ROOM EXCURSION?"
CORNHOLIO VERSUS THE PEOPLE OF CALIFORNIA
CORNHOLIO'S SPIRITUAL KINSHIP TO AFRO'D NEGROES IS HISTORICAL AND NOTEWORTHY IF FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN THE SHEER LEVEL OF ITS COSMETOLOGICAL INTENSITY
CASE 18729: DEPOSITION: MR. VONSTONE "CORNHOLIO" WOLFE
"It was like this your honor. I was pulled up at the curb listening to my vintage 8-track of one of the best goddamned ventriliquists you might have ever heard. Better than Shari Lewis and Lambchop. Better than Willie&Lester. I mean FUCK Willie&Lester. And this fucking o-fay comes up asking me 'yo yo....turn that shit down!!!' Blase blase, 'I gotta get some sleep. It's 4 in the morning, are you crazy Nigger?' Well I, for one, have never been a fan of hockey and so when he attacked me with his stainless steel PONTIAC SR2435 car antenna, well I just did what I had to do."
"Case dismissed!"
THE ARGENTINE CLAIMS TOTAL FUCKING DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
MOMENTS BEFORE THE GERMAN-ARGENTINE AXIS WAS BREECHED
Let me begin at the beginning.
We’d been standing near the front of the DNA stage in a tightly packed audience waiting for NINA HAGEN to make her entrance. Waiting, I might add, for about forty-five fucking minutes but it was all right, because for once the DJ was decent and we had drinks to last us.
But just as Ms. Hagen made her way to the stage, much to our relief, this drunk German hippy and his stupid drunk bitch pushed through the people behind us. In doing so, the drunk German hippy’s drink spilled on my arm and handsome vest. I turned and cautioned the drunk German hippy to watch out for his drink.
WE LOST THE WAR, BUT WE WON THE DISCO!!!!
To which he mistakenly replied, "What are you going to do about it?"
This is the sort of statement for which I've waited eternities to hear, of course. I turned, looked at him for a calculation, crushed his very expensive plastic cup of booze into his chest with my left hand and punched him square in the face with my right.
I think this answered the question quite nicely.
Then, because there were people there to break his fall, I simply followed him down, punching him about four more times until he hit the floor. Then, apparently, his stupid drunk bitch jumped on my back and I fell on top of the drunk German hippy. He weakly tried to punch me but these hippy slaps fell on the back of my skull. Sissy.
YES I WEAR CLOGS. YES I KNOW THEY'RE GAY. NO, I DON'T CARE
I was pulled up and away by the grateful people around me only to discover I’d lost one of my shoes. (Note to self: Don’t wear clogs to shows. Always favor the boot.) I made my way to the floor to retrieve them as the drunk German hippy’s stupid drunk bitch yelled at me to stay away from him. I said that I was done with her drunk German hippy and I wanted to find my shoe. It was pretty funny to watch as in slow stupid drunk bitch fashion the idea to fuck with my footwear spread across her face.
She bent down, picked up my property and apparently became confused that a man would wear a clog. This enabled me to rip it out of her hand before it went crowd surfing. Too bad, so sad. She then tried to scratch my eyes out or something to that effect and for her troubles found herself moving backwards at great speed with her feet several inches above the ground.
THE SONGSTRESS OF THE SHOW UNSEEN
This brought the drunk German hippy back to life and for this extra stupid move he received a full force smack in the face with my wooden shoe. (Note to self: Well, okay. You can wear the clogs.)
Then we got thrown out. The crew knew I was innocent but it was policy to oust all contestants. I pointed out the rather major flaw in their reasoning, which resulted in a full refund for me and nothing but bruises for the drunk German hippy and his stupid drunk bitch.
