YO VINNIE,
I fucked up. Met this girl in a club. Fucked her. Eventually dumped her. Then discovered that she was 17. The club was a 21 and older club. She's making noises like she's going to the cops. Is this my fault? And what can I do to save my ass?--G.D. (by email)

ANOTHER 17-YEAR-OLD--TRACI LORDS--PURE AS THE DRIVEN FUCKING SNOW

Dear Humbert Humbert: Interesting. That is, interesting that you got your ass in a sling from which it will take much craft to extricate yourself. Well let's say this first by way of legal disclaimer: I AIN'T NO FUCKING LAWYER AND ONLY A FOOL WOULD FOLLOW MY ADVICE. That being said, I say that first of all you need to get yourself a Palm Pilot Card Reader. It's become de rigeur in San Fernando Valley. It reads the mag stripe on the backs of driver's licenses and lets you call bullshit on bullshit.

Now getting out of that hot fucking pussy you stumbled into: yeah, the club does bear some responsibility but in this instance two wrongs won't make you right. She was under 18, YOU fucked her. Case closed. Now if you're like 23 years old and it does end up in court you might be able to convince a DA, a judge and a jury that you were operating in good faith and just didn't know but if you been picking her up from school and shit you're fucked.

In any case you're still fucked. As a minor she's not commonly held to be able to tell her ass from say, a hole in the ground. Or your cock. So she's in all instances blameless. You are to blame. Follow ROMAN POLANSKI'S lead and beat it out of dodge.