YO VINNIE,
I told this girl that I was trying to impress but never thought I had a chance with in a million years that I had a BMW. Well it worked. TOO well. She wants to go out. What do I do?--H.P. (by email)

CORNHOLIO'S "POOL"

Dear Jack Tripper: So you got your fucking hand caught in the goddamned cookie jar, yes? Telling a lie? Well, listen whatever you do don't make it worse by starting to tell the goddamned truth NOW. Just like your namesake keep going.

It's in the shop. It got stolen. Whatever.

And moreover lie with fucking BRIO. Enjoy it. Because everybody lies, believe me. They'll tell you they LOVE you, which is all well and good, except they don't mean love, they mean KIDS. They say LOVE, and they really mean CASH. They say LOVE and they really mean SACRIFICE YOURSELF ON THE ALTAR OF MY BELIEF IN MY OWN LOVELESSNESS.

No reason you can't join in the fun. You say BMW and what you really mean is I WILL FUCK YOU AND FORGET YOU SOONER THAN LATER?

Perfect.