JESSICA LYNCH NUDE? GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING SONUVABITCH, WHY DIDN’T THEY RESCUE THAT SNAPPER SOONER?
At MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME we adhere to the strictest standards of journalistic accuracy, excellence and cruelty. Moreover we seek to apply our slapdash standards of abuse, half-truths, and outright calumny to all the spurious news that’s fucking fit to print and so in the spirit of everything MACK, we bring you some slut who, if not actually JESSICA LYNCH in her now-famous LARRY FLYNT owned nude shot, well she’s close enough to make us repair to the SKULLGAME JERKITORIUM to yank one off for our other brave men and women who are dying every day so that this bitch can make a million bucks for crashing her Hummer.
Jesus H. Fucking Christ.
If crashing your car with a gun in the front seat followed by 3 weeks of being high on Demerol makes you a goddamned hero, then MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME should be a designated national fucking monument.
But we digress.
Forthwith: A GODDAMNED NAKED AMERICAN HERO!!!!
WHAT BECOMES AN AMERICAN LEGEND MOST? $87 BILLION, TWO TITS, A SMILE, AND ALL THE DEMEROL YOU CAN SLAM
CAREER TO MARIAH: “WE ARE NOW BOTH OFFICIALLY DEAD.”
SHANGHAI (SkullGame) – Fading pop superstar Mariah Carey, much like the ghosts of people unaware that they have passed from the world of the living, has been stumbling around the hot and happening entertainment capital of JIANGSU province in fucking CHINA for chrissakes making outrageous demands for all kinds of daffy shit in full disregard of the fact that absolutely no one gives a fuck and probably won’t until she starts sucking cock on camera (an inevitability, if BRITNEY SPEARS’ career trajectory is any kind of guide).
CAREY AND MODEL BEVERLY JOHNSON WITH AGENT EXTRAORDINAIRE CORNHOLIO ROTHSTEIN: "I GOT, IT SHOULD BE NOTED, HOES IN MULTIPLE AREAS CODES."
Concert organizers in China, a nation that has witnessed totalitarian purges and the death of millions at the hands of the Japanese during WW2, have been STUNNED by Carey's behavior since she arrived in Shanghai last week -- carrying 60 pieces of luggage full of string, cheese, and shiny objects, as well as an incredible 350 pairs of shoes.
She was whisked off to the city's Hilton hotel, sans the hotel chain’s most prominent porno queen PARIS HILTON, by a convoy of eight vehicles driven by mortified Chinamen -- four carrying her baggage -- and refused the presidential suite, requesting a suite with more feminine wall colors. Like some in puce. Or chartreuse. Or just plain ol’ bitch.
I'M JUST SAYING THE ROOMS FUCKING SUCK. WHICH ONES?!?! ALL 5068 OF THEM, HOP SING!!!!
Carey then banned journalists from asking personal questions about what the fuck she was doing in Shanghai anyway or why GLITTER sucked so badly, and photographers from taking pictures of her snatching at flies and talking to the dais at the press conference.
According to the Shanghai Star newspaper, "The reason, the local organizer said, was that camera flashes and the 'clicking' sound of the shutters, sounds she hasn’t heard in a long, long, long. Well very long time, would put Carey off."
A Chinese media source says however, that "In spite of her ostentatious and totally cuntishly uncooperative attitude to the local media, the tickets, all 75 of them, for her concert sold out very quickly."
MARIAH WITH HER TWO FRENCH FANS IN HO CHI MINH CITY
BALL-JUGGLER BRITNEY SPEARS HOPPED UP ON MUGGLES ADMITS, IN HUFFED HAZE OF WEED, TO GETTING HIGH
“Hey. That bitch might be fucking a-ok after all,” mumbles SKULLGAME’S CORNHOLIO. “Yeahhh.”
HIGH AS A MOTHERFUCKING KITE
Pop superstar Britney Spears, following pop conventions of detailing every tragic wrinkle of lives so pampered that she should be killed immediately by a populace told one time too often to eat fucking cake, has admitted to huffing the fucking muggles. That is, rolling bones. Or in modern slang, “burning a fattie.” Translation: getting high on marijuana, which is absolutely no surprise at all to anyone who’s seen her act in the last month or so.
The 21-year-old singer confessed to talk show host, sexual predator and lurking lesbian DIANE SAWYER, saying she had "got high" off the drug, “oooo, did I get fucking high off the drug. I mean does Pinocchio have wooden balls? I think the answer is ‘fuck yeah’” -- but insists her career is too important to her to mess with hard drugs. Too much.
THE WEED DON'T MAKE YOU NO CRIMINAL, MON. NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE. NO MATTER WHO YOU WANNA BE. JUST SET THE HERB MAN FREE
Britney said, "I have been around people and have got high off marijuana.
"That is enough for me. I can't do that. I don't do that. Yeah. I don’t do that like I didn’t do dick, if you get my drift D. Shit. You’re cute. Anyway, I never did cocaine. Much. I have experimented in partying but not that. I could never do something like that.
"But I, ah had a need for the maryjane. I mean it was for medicinal purposes that I took it," said Spears citing researchers at Pharmos that posit that cannabis could be the first drug ever to shield the brain from the cascade of injury that follows head trauma. “Yeah…,” sniffed an obviously slammergasted SPEARS. “Head trauma.”
HEAD TRAUMA??? SHEEIITT. LISTEN, IF'N I DON'T TAKE HER AND THAT MARIAH UPPA KOBE'S HOUSE AND CLEAR AN EASY FITTY, THERE'S GONNA BE A LOT OF THAT GOING AROUND FOR SURE
