YO VINNIE,
I went to this sex club the other night and to make a long story short I hooked up with this woman. Safe sex all the way, so no problem there. But we had enough fun that we decided to meet for coffee and in the unforgiving light of Starbucks I've started to have suspicions about her actual gender. Is there a way for me to figure this out without hurting any feelings?--R.E., San Francisco, CA (by email)

MOM? DAD? THIS IS BILLI. MY FRIEND.

Dear Mr. Crying Game: You mean outside of sucking her cock? Well, we decided to take the opportunity and ask a more august member of our staff THE DOCTOR and this is what he had to say:

"In the old days the fake vagina wouldn't lubricate like a real one. Well they've solved this by implanting sweat glands. They also break and re-fuse the jawbone to make it smaller as well as shaving down the adam's apple. They remove the ribs and dose her with overly ample doses of estrogen so it is harder and harder to tell the difference as non-medical signs can be faked: baby pictures and the like. The only thing that surgery hasn't yet address is hand size. Foot size as well. I don't even want to know why you're asking me this, but good luck."

So there you have it. Try on her shoes. Her gloves. And remember if the glove fits, you must acquit.