ACTRESS JENNIFER GARNER MISTAKEN FOR A HOOKER IN A MOVE ANYONE COULD HAVE EASILY MADE
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) – Actress, that is a woman who performs for CASH, JENNIFER GARNER suddenly realized that her chosen profession is functionally no different from fucking common streetwalking, despite all of the high flown illusions borne by excessive salaries, career-building select executive suck jobs, and magazine covers. What the fuck happened? Well, she stumbled on a man who thought she was a prostitute.
NOT A HOOKER, AN ACTRESS
"I was on my way to a business meeting recently and it was at a kind of nice hotel,” she says straightfacedly despite the fact that the only people doing business in hotels in the middle of the afternoon are WHORES. “And I was dressed in a button-up cardigan sweater -- very conservatively. With the leather skirt, you know?”
"Anyway, this older gentleman named, um, JOHN came up to me -- he had an accent -- and he took a hold of my hand and he wouldn't let go. He was kind of massaging my hand and he was like, 'It's good to see you again.' I didn't know, I thought maybe I knew him. On account of the fact that I meet so many strangers, even though I’m NOT a hooker, or even anything remotely LIKE a hooker.
NOT AN ACTRESS, A HOOKER
"I said, Oh, it's nice to see you as well.' He said, 'You are here tonight...' and I said, 'I have a meeting.' He said, 'A five o'clock meeting?' and I said yeah. He said, 'So maybe tomorrow night another five o'clock meeting?'
"And as he's saying this his hand is going up my arm. And I was kinda like, 'Dude, when did I work with this guy?' And I said, 'I'm sorry, maybe you have me mistaken with someone,' and he said, 'Oh no, I know you. You are that actress hooker. So, uh, maybe the other hotel?'
"I realized then that he thought I was an actress!!!! I mean, hooker!!!! He was propositioning me for an evening of work! Now while I might ACT like a hooker, I’m by no stretch a REAL hooker in that I don’t take money for acting like I enjoy sex. Actually in my last movie DAREDEVIL I DID take money for ACTING like I enjoy sex. But that was different because well, I….I….I’m so confused."
She then cried and rushed from the hotel lobby into the arms and waiting Escalade of her AGENT, CORNHOLIO ROTHSTEIN.
THERE, THERE, BABY. YOU GOT THE MONEY? GOOD...NO, NO....YOU'RE A GREAT ACTRESS. I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY ELSE SAYS.
KIDMAN RE-ANNOUNCES TO DISINTERESTED WORLDWIDE AUDIENCE THAT SHE PLANS TO KEEP KRAVITZ ROMANCE PRIVATE. AGAIN. SHE MEANS IN CASE YOU MISSED ANY OF THE OTHER PRESS CONFERENCES, TOM.
NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- NICOLE KIDMAN has opted to keep her new romance with serial seducer, suckitacious songster and Black Jew LENNY KRAVITZ private because she doesn't want to go through the pain of another public split IF the relationship fails. Like it exactly will with the smart money going on a 4 over and under morning line of the holiday season of 2004.
SO I'M FUCKING THIS WHITE BROAD, SEE? AND MAN I'M JUST FUCKING WORKING HER ASS AND I START ASKING HER WHOSE SHIT THIS WAS AND FUCK IF SHE DIDN'T TURN AROUND AND IT WAS THAT CHICK WHAT USED TO MARRIED TO THAT GAY DUDE. NO. NOT LIZA MINELLI. NO, NO, NOT J. LO. WHAT? YEAH, NICOLE. NO, NOT THE ONE THAT OJ FUCKING ICED, THE OTHER ONE. YEAH. ANYWAYS, I...
The "Moulin Rouge!" star went through press conference after press conference after press conference to discuss what became a very public divorce from ex-husband TOM “I’M NOT GAY” CRUISE in 2001, and has now vowed in press conference after press conference to keep all of her relationships private.
She says to a mic-packed podium, "I don't think I will ever put myself up for scrutiny, in terms of a personal relationship, ever again. It's too delicate, too ephemeral, too painful when it fails. So to have it on display terrifies me."
A CLEARLY TERRIFIED KIDMAN COMPOSING HERSELF RIGHT AFTER SCREAMING AT THE 1000 ATTENDEES "I WANT MY PRIVACY!!!"
Kidman was depressed after her divorce , but now she's elated to have found love again with another massive media personality she recently told Redbook, Elle, Ladies Home Journal, O, Premiere, People, Us, Time and Newsweek.
She adds, "The idea of being able to give somebody something again, that's a nice thing. Being able to give a part of yourself again in no fewer than three major markets is a nice thing."
AGENT TO THE STARS CORNHOLIO ROTHSTEIN KISSING HIS NUMBER ONE EARNER
ANOTHER ITALIAN SALVO:
ARTIST, ANUS, HACK—THE LEILA SWAN STORY: A Triumphant Tale of Talent Trashed Twice
San Francisco, the land of Rice-a-Roni, cable cars, and talentless hacks who are indulged beyond any reasonable human measure, has seen a new abomination slouching toward significance: LEILA SWAN. Fashioning herself a PORN STAR the way STEVIE NICKS fashions herself a singer, SWAN is a semi-attractive white waif performance artist whose mind has finally snapped. In half. Like a bundle of old toothpicks.
I AM AN ARTIST!!! I AM SENSITIVE. AND IMPORTANT!!!
She’s got an art show at a fucking Barber Shop in San Francisco fer chrissakkes, where a veritable who's who of... Who? Never heard of her, was in attendance. But as a public service we’d like this to be known: Leila? Your art? It’s…It’s…bad. Just BAD. As in NOT VERY GOOD. I mean LEILA SWAN is like HITLER. Or POL POT. Or STALIN of the San Francisco Art World.
She is to art what EDDIE COATES is to Porn. Hell she is to Porn what EDDIE COATES is to Porn!
Like VINNIE ROSE has said before, we here at SKULLGAME like to let a Ho be a Ho,the Porn star be a Porn star so on and so forth, and that is precisely why we were so flabbergasted, shocked and awed and pretty much upset at the eyeball-burningly bad slop slapped on that barbershop’s walls like so much simian shit at the zoo’s fucking monkey cage.
Why is Ms. Swan finger painting ridiculously bad art, or whatever the fuck that cunt does, when her only real talent is getting awkwardly fucked on film by her ultra-feminine boyfriend? WHY!?! I don't know... I would however like to comment on the sexuality of said sissy "boyfriend": I knew Jack Kennedy, you sir are no Jack Kennedy.
Let me just address YOU for a sec though. In a way that you might understand: You…you…you…pathetic, stupid half man with your stupid bangs and those stupid square glasses. It’s not working, stupid. NONE of it. And you, sir, and I use that appellation lightly, veeerrryyyy lightly, are NOT avante garde, you’re not progressive. What you are is: a rancid ape turd. A disposable douche bag. A rancid ape turd disposable douche bag. You just haven’t been able to figure it out yet because you surround yourself with disposable douche bag turds just…just…like... you!
Final Note to Ms Swan: The only people who will ever like the shit you produce is that chick-like boyfriend of yours and the gutless wonders you surround yourself with. THAT being said I’d like to add that I'm a huge fan of your work. Call me. Please call me 415-573-9106.
