YO VINNIE,
Well at first I was tricky about it. At first I told her some shit like "I just like seeing my cock coming." This to justify not coming in her mouth in order to come on her, yes, face. But soon I ran out of excuses and then that fateful day came when she asked me to justify my desire to come on her face. And I was stumped and now am stuck coming like a Boy Scout. Suggestions on how to bear this load would be well apppreciated.--J.S., Los Angeles, CA (by email)

Dear Spider Man: Do you want me to tell you what WE'D do or what YOU should do? Because these are very different things. Especially since what WE'D do is to make no bones about it, refuse to politicize our sexual congress, and say with a grin that establishes in no uncertain terms that EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT, AMERICA!!!, that we were going to "COME ON YOUR FACE....OH SHIT...IT'LL BE SO FUCKING GREAT, YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT!!!" And it will be too. WHY?!?! Because you WILLED it to be.

OIL OF O'LAY, AS ENDORSED BY MS. RUELA LUENKSKA

See, coming on someone's face sits in that weird netherzone of form and not function. It doesn't directly contribute to your pleasure (or hers for that matter) outside of how it functions on a SYMBOLIC level, which cuts across all kinds of lines strung up by propriety, couth and cultural standards. In other words, it's cool/offensive because it SEEMS dirty. Which totally justifies your doing of it. Woe to those who want to make your sex LESS transgressive.

So what should YOU do? Well it's not entirely clear to me that she's opposed to the practice, she just asked you to justify it and you buckled under questioning. My advice: do it again and when she asks you to justify it, tell her to wait 15 minutes and then do it AGAIN. Repeat as many times as necessary until your point has gotten across.

WHY?

BECAUSE, goddamn it. Because.