YO VINNIE,
Ok. My friend Petey has been having problems of a, um, well a potency variety. How do I say this? Well he, I mean my friend Petey, has been having trouble staying a man. Wait, wait, wait, this is coming out all wrong: he can' t get it up and keep it up. He tells me. Any suggestions on what I might tell him?--A.B., Chicago, IL (by email)

WHAT'S THE MATTER? PUSSY CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?

Dear The Nicest So-Called "Friend in the Goddamned World": Your friend "Petey" has been having a problem that is all too common among modern men who are leveraged in tight to the twin destructive forces of rampant lesbianism and the tool-shrinking effects of ugly broaditis. Awareness of these possible pitfalls, excuses at the ready about how "if you weren't so fat this wouldn't be happening," and a boatload of VIAGRA, LEVITRA, and ANABOLIC STEROIDS should clear that little problem right up though. Good luck, "friend."