YO VINNIE,
this past weekend I went to this event. Well it was more like a party. OK, It was a convention. Anyway I pick up this beautiful woman and me and my bud go back to my car. He sits in the backseat and I'm upfront with this chick. Who is hot. We're making out, my bud is smoking a cig in the back, the chick reaches down and grabs my unit. I reach down and grabbed, you guessed it, her unit. So I say "Eli, she's got a unit." And Eli says, "go ahead Tom, I won't tell nobody," so I fuck this tranny. She gets out of the car. We go to a gas station in total silence. I go off to the bathroom and Eli gets on the phone and of course tells everybody so by the time we make it back to campus they're ready to run like a FAG intervention for me. Do I need this? Am I a fag if I was only thinking of her as a HER? Is there anything wrong with wanting to fuck a pretty man before fucking an ugly woman?--Tom Hall, Atlanta, Georgia (by email)

Dear Mr. Halls of Montezuma: Add this phrase to the end of every question you've asked me--"not unless I am a FAG"--and it will all start making a little bit better sense to you because YOU sir need to stop playing hide the salami from yourself and embrace you as god intending you to be: a plundering, ass-robbing, bandit of booty. Fuck what the rest of the world thinks. Embrace it, baby, embrace it.

Oh. And kill Eli when next you get a chance.