YO VINNIE,

I was fucking around with this broad the other night and I couldn't get it up. No matter what I did, and I did it all--my cock in her mouth, her mouth on my cock, you know, ALL--and she was hot. This has never happened to me before, what do I do?!?!--Dave Dietrich, Palo Alto, California (by email)

Dear War Criminal: Never happened to you before, eh? Never. NEVER. N-E-V-E-R? Of course it hasn't...happened to you before....this fucking afternoon. Jesus Christ you trying to fuck us now TOO? We KNOW it's happened to you before but your only problem that we can see, outside of your blowjob obsession, is using that fucking weary old excuse to explain away your non-performance, whereas we simply suggest the old tried and true standby recriminative response: "Maybe if you weren't so (fill in the blank here), I'd be able to get it up!" Women are constantly ready to believe the worst shit about themselves. Go ahead. Have fun, sissy boy.