AMERICA SHOCKED AND APPALLED

Slap Master Sizemore (Vinnie Rose Rant-O-Rama, 8/14/03) gets one step closer to Slam City with his conviction on seven of the 16 counts facing him after bouncing convicted Ho Hopper Heidi Fleiss’s head around some of the best hotel suite walls in the world.

SIZEMORE SALUTING THE FELLAS HE'LL BE HOUSED WITH AT SOLEDAD

When reached for comment Kobe Bryant asked “Is Heidi a white woman? Gee. I sure hope so.”

I AM GUILTY OF NOTHING BUT LOVING, NOT POORLY, BUT UNWISELY. AND IN THE ASS.

Sizemore, pulling out all the stops of his trade in an attempt to avoid learning why they call prison the “POKEy” first hand, sobbed on the stand progressively louder as the convictions against him were read for domestic violence, criminal threats and vandalism, as well as four counts of screaming FUCK YOU repeatedly into a phone at 4 in the morning. “Jesus fuck. That shit was ILLEGAL!?!?!” said a visibly shaken and shocked Sizemore.

While cleared of charges of intimidating a witness, additional counts of domestic violence, criminal threats and harassing phone calls, Sizemore, 41, now faces up to four years in jail, plus fines with an October 2nd, sentencing date.

“Today’s verdict sends a strong message that indiscriminate usage of Pimp Hand Politics will not be tolerated in LA. Even against a former Pimp like Fliess,” L.A. City Attorney Rocky “Balboa” Delgadillo said in a statement.

Outside the courtroom, tearing his hair, rending his flesh and covered in central casting sack cloth and ash Sizemore, who did not take the stand in his defense, told reporters he looked forward to putting "all of this fucking BULLSHIT behind me now and [doing] what I've always loved doing best: slapping the shit out of broads who DON’T have good attorneys."

An often-tearful Fleiss told jurors Sizemore socked her, choked her, dragged her by the hair, smashed her ridiculous collection of those crappy figurines found only in homes of porn stars and functional morons with a baseball bat and left more than 100 bullying messages on her answering machine.

"I couldn't take it anymore," Fleiss said, per City News Service. "I'm not some dog that can be kicked up and down the street."

“Um. Yes. Yes she is,” said Italian Sal (08/06/03) while standing outside the door of his closet and pointing into its interior.

And finally in the irony to end all fucking ironies, Fleiss said their relationship, once on track for marriage, derailed when she learned he was cheating on her with prostitutes.

NEWS SHOCKER: PORN STAR DEVON: ADDICTED TO VICODIN?

Recent perusal of the porn trades seem to suggest that Digital Playground’s Devon has developed a crippling addiction to the prescription pain killer Vicodin. While we can neither confirm nor deny these scurrilous fucking rumors, we can safely say that if she’s got a line on some Viks we’d be more than glad to know about it as we, um, have some friends who, um, have some serious fucking back pain and we, I mean, they would pay nicely for them.

Yeah. Write us. And just ask for Vinnie X.

DOC? I GOT THIS FUCKING PAIN IN THE COOCH. CAN YOU GIVE ME SCRIP FOR SOME VIKS? NO? SHIT. WHO I GOTS TO BLOW AROUND HERE TO GET SOME VIKS? YOU? OH. OK.