YO VINNIE,
I have a friend who has been raving about how hot his girlfriend is and how much anal sex they have. (Apparently, a whole lot.) Well, I finally met her and I swear to God that if she is not NOW a man? Well, she is at the very least about as far from a biological female as you can get. Sure you might say, just "tell him." But he's a very, very, very dangerous man. So I will be in trouble if I don't mention it and I will be in trouble if I mention it. Outside of leaving town what do you think I should do? -- Larry (by email)

ARE YOU FEELING SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE RIGHT ABOUT NOW? NO? OH...NOOOOO, REASON...

Dear DEAD MAN: We gots a friend, name of MIKE HORELICK [genius fucking name, right?]...anyways, he wrote the screenplay for this movie called MOB QUEEN with very much the same plot: Some underlings to alleviate their boss's misery post-the untimely death of his wife (though deaths of wives always seem timely to us), set him up with that which happens to be a pre-op transsexual. Now this movie was set in the 1950s so it made sense that the boss wasn't so fucking hep on the uptake, but your friend? Well, we suspect he's been all over that "pussy" and so let's consider the facts: if he knows and hasn't mentioned it he's subtly asking you to look the other way. If he doesn't know now, he will never know. They can do all kinds of wonderful things with tranny surgery these days...I mean the biggest hold up in past times was they hadn't figured out how to make a pussy that self-lubricates like the real thing. Well, now? That's right. They've figured out how to work sweat glands into the "mangina" and so outside of "her" pussy tasting like gym socks he, and therefore you, will remain blissfully "ignorant." Look, I have a friend who decided late in life that he was a big fan of trannys and when asked to explain he said, "I like to fuck women with the sex drives of men." Nevermind, I guess that he also favored fucking PRE-OP trannies (which means they had cocks or as he described them, "a pussy on a stick". Yeesh.), this explanation was as close as we were willing to get to a topic that really just serves as another mask/beard for boys what like boys and god love you, suck as much cock as you want, as long as it doesn't keep me from my making quick time across town I could not care less, but the tortured psychological efforts gone through to justify said sausage seeking is highly, highly disturbing.

And makes us want to rush off and take showers.

ALONE.