YO VINNIE,
Do you think it is inevitable that all women stop wanting to fuck? I read last weeks question and it reminded me of my own problem: I married my high school sweetheart [5'7", 135 pounds]. We had one kid. She gained 75 pounds that never left. She asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said, "a blow job," and she said "that's never going to happen." I finally started fucking my massage therapist. When she found out [not that I was fucking her, JUST that I went out with her...once I said] she stabbed me with scissors. I moved out. But now everyone is saying I'M an ass. My question is when she STOPS fucking am I out of line for seeking sex elsewhere? -- Dolph (by email, in misery)

"HEY? HEY, YOU DIRTY BITCH? HOW'SA 'BOUT IT?"

Dear DRAGO: The email after last week's ASK VINNIE has been stunningly and voluminously large. Much like our loads post-weeks of getting blue-balled by said ball busters of our individual choosing over here at Casa Skull. From all walks of life men [and not just a few WOMEN] wrote in to proclaim what we're ready to call the single most tragic turn of events since, um, like, Auschwitz or something: the fuckers being accidentally or maybe just poorly paired with the NON-fuckers. I don't know how this happens or WHY it happens or what we, the fuckers, are being punished for by an angry and vicious god, but I know, and painfully so, that it happens with so great a frequency that remedies must be sought from a whole wide variety of sources. And the NON-FUCKERS NEED TO BE STOPPED. How? Outside of guns and bombs? This I have not figured out but inevitably, regardless of gender, those who hate the FUCK seem to find those of us who LOVE the fuck and they proceed to systematically destroy ever ounce of joy in our lives the most direct way possible: by cutting off any and all access to FUCK.

This cannot stand.

Our suggestions? Fuck like your life depended on it. Fuck like fucking was food. Or oxygen. Fuck like it was 1999. Your friends and family think you're an asshole? That's OK. They're either in denial, miserable or are gleefully engaged JOY KILLERS who should be ignored and very possibly exterminated. I mean WHY NOT? Without us around, the likes of them would have nothing to do or complain about outside of parcheesi, scrabble and yahtzee.

Which would probably suit these pieces of shit just fine.