AND because we're about nothing if not goddamned stats about shit no one cares about there's this bit of fuck arcana that made us laugh so much we ran out, bought some crack and SMOKED that shit all fucking weekend before we got arrested.

FROM the SF Chron

BROOKE ASHLEY...ON HER WAY TO OLYMPIC GOLD!!!

"Current masturbation world records from worldwide masturbate-a-thons as of April 2008:

But there are athletes and records, and there are sex athletes and their records. Annabel Chong attempted the "World's Biggest Gang Bang" (1995) and had sex with 251 men (many who were recycled) within one hour; one of her stated goals was to outdo porn performer Houston, who was allegedly penetrated by 620 men over a course of 10 hours, with the average penetration time of 58 seconds. In 1997, performer Jon Dough starred in a "reverse" gang bang in "The World's Luckiest Man," where he had sex (mostly fellatio) with 101 women. In the rest of the world, where reality lives, Brooke Ashley had anal sex 50 times in 1998 in "The World's Biggest Anal Gangbang," and claims to have contracted HIV from it.

Sometimes life just gives you lemonade. And crack.

AND FROM earlier in the goddamned week...

STABBED & DUMPED OFFA WALLS, DOPING SCANDALS & PROTESTERS BEAT IN THE STREETS? AHHH...OLYMPIC FEVER!!! CATCH IT!!! AS SKULLGAME FUCKS TIBET, JOHN EDWARDS & HIS HOT-ASS BITCH, HILARY TRIES FOR A COUP FOR A CUNT & JEWEL'S TITS? STILL THERE.

AND because Russia's invaded/attacked Georgia we thank GOD that RAY CHARLES was not alive to see this goddamned day.

SPINNING. IN MY GRAVE. DAMN YOU MEDEVDEDEDEV!!!

JOHN EDWARDS DOES THE RIGHT THING: FUCKS A HOT BITCH WHEN HIS WIFE NO LONGER PUTS OUT. SKULLGAME APPROVES. SKULLGAME APPROVES.

SUREEEEE, SHE'S GOT CANCER & ALL BUT WOULD IT KILL HER TO TRY TO WEAR A G-STRING AND A PUSH UP BRA EVERY NOW & THEN?!?!

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SkullGame) -- Former Democratic presidential hopeful JOHN EDWARDS finally has admitted that he had an extramarital affair that involved no fewer but possibly no more than 32 separate acts of coitus, with seven occurring in the ass, or anal, region [his] and "two or three" occurring in hers with "filmmaker" and now his baby's Mama RIELLE HUNTER, but he denies that he was involved in role play, bondage or discipline or is the father of her baby daughter.

Edwards says the affair began in 2006, when his wife Elizabeth's cancer was in remission "but when she was just not feeling, you know, so 'fresh,'" and after Hunter was hired to, er, "produce" "films" for his "presidential campaign." He had met her at a bar in New York City called SCANDALS, doing tequila shots. And shit.

This admission vindicates the National Enquirer, who first reported the affair in October 2007. Edwards has always adamantly denied the report, saying, "The story is false, it's completely untrue, it's ridiculous that I would fuck a hot bar skank who likes loads on the face and all manner of outre sex practices when I have the sexiest little overweight cancer patient at home waiting to give me all the trembling and cough-wracked ridden sex I could ever want."

Edwards also confessed that the Enquirer was correct in reporting that he visited Rielle and her daughter at the Beverly Hilton last month. He had called that report "tabloid trash. I mean I can get rimmed anywhere. Why would I go to the Beverly Hilton for deep tongue action?!?"

"WHAT?!?! WHAT?!??!"

THE SINGER JEWEL GETS MARRIED & SAYS... ERM, TITS!!!

YEAH. WE REALLY LIKE HER MUSIC TOO. ALL TWO OF THEM. SAY? DID YOU KNOW SHE ONCE LIVED IN HER CAR? WE WONDER WHAT HER TITS DID THEN....

WHOCARESTONIA (SkullGame) -- Singer Jewel has married her longterm boyfriend, Ty Murray, in a secret ceremony in the Bahamas, immediately followed by all sorts of fucking, the kinds of which we can only imagine. AND which we will imagine right now.

The 34-year-old exchanged vows with the former rodeo clown in a private service in front of friends and family on Thursday. Rushing through them so they could get to the hot threesome they had planned with some other broads, and shit, Jewel "wore a traditional wedding gown, while Ty wore his favorite blue jeans, white shirt and cowboy hat," said spokesslut. "The couple is very happy and look forward to enjoying their honeymoon. Which we're hoping produces no fewer than three videos. Which will eventually be stolen & then streamed via SkullGame.