YO VINNIE,
What do you say to a woman who says that she'd suck your dick if only you didn't ASK for her to suck your dick? And you agreed and then noticed five weeks had gone by since she sucked your dick? What do you say to a woman who won't take a load in the face OR down the gullet? Or the ass? What do you say to a woman who says that she and me are not responsible for each other getting off? I just took two Vicodin to dull the reality that, thusfar, I have tried everything and nothing has worked. Your advice, sir. -- Italian "Sal" Pacino (by email, in misery)

FILE UNDER: BEGGARS, NOT CHOOSERS

Dear "SAL": Hmmm....you have tried The Can Opener? The Sneak Attack? The Monkey in the Pipe? And none of this seems to be working? Have you tried The Fuck Her Best Friend? Or the tried and true Bang Every OTHER Woman You Can Get Your Hands On maneuver? You've tried jerking off all over the house, that is, everywhere BUT her face [her underwear drawer, her dinner plates, her tooth brush] in the hopes that the face or the throat will seem the least troublesome spot? Hmmm, hmmm....well I think the ass is a whole other column, as ass politics can be touchy, but her refusal to have anything other than begrudging missionary sex, while this under normal circumstances might cause the average man to flee, at SkullGame we welcome a challenge so do this:

FIRST: get a gun. Preferably with bullets.

SECOND: hold it to your head and proclaim that if you don't get your cock sucked and sucked well TOOT DE LE SUITE you're going to blast your brains out. If she fails to come across under pressure most extreme you have but one recourse....

THREE: hold it to HER head.

While the auto de fe is an extreme maneuver and will in all likelihood result in your incarceration, you'll have great stories to tell your cellies and they will respect your willingness to think "outside the box."

Good luck, sir.