Yo Vinnie,
This girl I know, had coffee with a couple times, but never got to fuck... wanted to, but didn't... just dropped dead of a fucking heart attack. No warning. Only in her mid-20s. So now, of course, I'll never get to fuck her. Anyway, today was her funeral. But I skipped that to go bang a hooker instead. Does that make me a bad person? -- Regrets, I've Had A Few (by email)

NEVER TOO LATE TO SAY "GOOD BYE."

Dear MR. SINATRA: Bad person? For not going to a funeral to celebrate another piece of pussy you will not be getting??!? What is the point? Really? WHAT would the point be? That's like you having a funeral every time you busted a solo load. "Say a few words over this now-toweled load, sir?" No fucking thanks. Look, I'll tell you like everybody tells me about funerals: they're not for the person who died but for the people still alive who are hurting what on account of their loved one's untimely passing [you ever think of THIS: your myspace page will probably live longer than you]. Which means, somehow, if you think about it, you NOT fucking that hooker and attending her funeral would mean so much to the family of the departed because they really needed to know how their sweet, and now molding, flower of a daughter was loved by you and the great extent to which you were scheming to bust a load in, on or around her anus.

This is precisely the kind of thing needed in a difficult time like this.

So my advice is to take my advice: fuck everybody you can before they die, preferably BEFORE you've invested even TWO cups of coffee in the charade of it even being something else other than cock politics. Only go to funerals of people who have died that you have laid the pipe to. And always tip your hooker [but only for her acceding to sexual acts you suspect she finds personally abhorrent].

Hope this helps.