YO VINNIE,
Me and my girlfriend enjoy VA. And while I think verbal abuse can add a little something, it has recently added a little too much: she's started calling me by someone else's name when I'm fucking her. Not just ANYbody else's name but my friend SCOTT'S name. How do I get her to stop without seeming like a baby? -- G.A. (by email)

"HAHAHA...I HATE YOUR COCK SOOOO MUCH. NOW, SCOTT'S? NOW, THERE'S A COCK FOR YOU." VERBAL ABUSE GONE HORRIBLY AWRY.

Dear I'M NOT SUSAN: Man. You had us going there for one fucking bit. At first we thought you were talking about you and your old lady enjoying the wonderful state of VIRGINIA. Which made sense since they spent about a billion goddamned dollars trying to convince the rest of us that Virginia is for lovers. That is: lovers who are not also sisters and brothers. And then when we realized this is not what you meant we thought you meant that band Verbal Abuse who, while a great hardcore band for their time, we just couldn't see adding anything to your girlfriend's cooch that your cock wasn't already adding. THEN we figured out that you meant the good ol' VERBAL ABUSE by which one willing partner calls the other semi-willing partner a "NO GOOD DRAG ASS SONUVABITCH" who incidentally couldn't "FUCK A HOLE IN A WET PAPER BAG" and moreover has a dick that's not so much big as it is "VERY VERY SMALL."

Hey. Takes all goddamned types.

But to your problemo: how the fuck do you know it's your friend SCOTT?!?!? In the tangle of passion does she say shit like "OH FUCK ME, SCOTT ANDERSON FROM 2835 WEST PAULSON AVE. WHO IS FRIENDS WITH SMALL-DICK DAVE DIETRICH"?!?!? She probably doesn't. But maybe there's more than you're letting on and maybe she spins semi-plausible scenarios that let you know that it is EXACTLY the Scott Anderson from 2835 WEST PAULSON AVE. whose choad she's thinking of chomping down to which I say, so the fuck what? Are you IN LOVE? And if so, how is it possible that your love could limit you so aggressively that it would preclude her finding other cocks in her cockhole and telling you about it WHILST your cock was in her cockhole?

In my mind, young sir, this is no kind of love.

Leave this woman. To thems of us that knows what the fuck to do with the likes of her. And find yourself a nice church-going woman. Who will only dream of your dick. Small as it is.

Party-fucking-pooper.