YO VINNIE,
My girl has been promising me the ass forever. Never delivered. The other night, as a prelude to some ass play, she suggested and brought along a butt plug. She shows up an hour late, takes a shower when she gets over, climbs in bed. I ask "where is it?" She says, "where is what?" I say "the butt plug." She says, "it's in my purse but I can't use it tonight because I..." It was at this point that I just asked her to leave. Was I outta line? Five years of this. Am I outta line? -- San Fran (by email)
WELL...YOU CAN DREAM CAN'T YOU? WELL, DREAM & SEND US PICS OF YOUR NOW EX...SAY HELLO TO THE PEOPLE JENNIFER...
Dear CHARLIE BROWN: Sex promises just generally suck, you know? If they forget and YOU remember you seem like a pencil-wielding prick noting sex like markers on a racing card. If they remember and YOU forget [highly unlikely], it seems like your gift of the delicate flower of her ass, a delicate flower with a penchant for outdoor ass sex with guys she barely know that are not you, is not fully appreciated. So it's a lose-goddamned-lose proposition and what the fuck are we talking about anyway? Negotiating for sex acts? I, as a rule do not negotiate with terrorists, and so for me the two step usually goes thusly:
Me: "I wanna fuck your ass."
Them: "Oh, hahah. You know I only like to do that when I'm drunk. And standing in a driveway. In the rain. With my pants around my ankles. On Tuesdays."
Me: "I'm sorry. Did you say something?"
You see what just happened there?
If I ask you for a bite of your pie there is only one correct response--yes. Everything else means, "I don't want to do it but will if there's some upside potential for me...like cash. Or delight in your misery when I eventually yank the ass from you."
Do not let this happen to you. Ask for the ass. If you do not receive the ass, never ask again. If it's not ever offered to you again and you feel you must have ass? Leave and find ass. But under NO circumstances should you hang around, a prisoner to the promised prospect of ass. It will never, ever arrive.
