YO VINNIE,
Girlfriend is perfect in every way. Sex is great. But she won't let me eat her pussy. I mean not even a lick to lube it up for the fucking. Sits up straight. Tells me to stop. But she sucks cock like a pro. WTF? -- Munching No Rugs (by telephone)

...WE CLICKED FOR YOU & WHAT WE LEARNED: IT IS DIRTY & SINFUL...WHEN YOU DO IT WITH YOUR WIFE, MOTHER OR SISTER. SO CUT IT THE FUCK OUT. RIGHT NOW.

Dear I-Know-How-To-Play-The-Crying-Game: There are all kinds of possibilities but being that this is SkullGame and we're all worst-case-scenario-kinda fellas our wild hare guess would be that she's a tranny who is afraid that a too probing examination of the cooch could reveal a former standing as a not-so-proud owner of a pair of nuggets and a pole. This would explain that "she" excels at the art of cocksuckery. Gay dudes suck a lot of cock.

Panicked yet?

Wait wait wait it gets worse: is "she" tall? "Big-boned"? Can she palm a basketball? Does her underwear have dick holes in them? These may all be signs.

Now, allowing for the outside chance that we are WRONG and you are NOT a fag, let's continue: perhaps you eart pussy badly. Really, really, really badly. For this we went to an expert on our staff, ANGEL BABY, and asked "what makes a man a bad pussy eater?"

"If he acts like he's doing you a favor? If he does so begrudgingly? Too hard, too soft, too slow, or too fast? He's lousy. Essentially: if he's anybody but YOU Vinnie."

Thank you for that ANGEL.

HOWEVER, if she has NEVER let you near it with your mouth, then she couldn't possibly know how bad a fag like you could be so maybe it's the third and likeliest option: she's just uncomfortable dealing with the either the loss of control OR the expectation of performance that comes along with someone else seconding their pleasure in order to give YOU pleasure. If this is the case: she's nuts, and there's nothing you can do but sit back and fuckin' enjoy the non-pussy eating ride.

Which, in the final analysis, may not be so bad after all: I mean if you could get $20 for every $2 you gave wouldn't you be happy too?

Man....I gotta lay off the analogies.