Yo Vinnie,
I have noticed a disturbing trend lately: I am fantasizing about ugly women. I am concerned that this, perhaps, is a precursor to me actually DATING ugly women. I know you're probably the LAST one I should ask, but has this ever happened to you and if so, how'd you stop one from turning into the other? -- Stoney [by email]
"C'MON...YOU CAN'T DUMP ME NOW....I JUST CLEANED THE GODDAMNED HOUSE...."
Dear I-SEE-FAT-BITCHES: Hey brutha, people fantasize about all kinds of shit. I, myself, once fantasized about getting head from Mother Theresa. Only to wake up and realize I was really just remembering getting head from Theresa's Mother.
You see, how that works?
I mean after all one 65-year-old gargoyled up ho is like pretty much any other 65-year-old gargoyled ho. That is to say: I'da fucked them both if given half a goddamned chance.
But this ain't about ME, it's about YOU. Well, first off I'd say, if I was a psychologist, and I'm NOT, but I'd say that you're reacting, just like all the rest of us, to this constant and continual fag-driven fashion world constant of the fine-ass ho standard.
Pretty soon fine assed ho's are like tribal tattoos...everywhere and every douchebag has one.
Pretty soon you start noticing the not-so-slim slut at the Safeway supermarket who is a little too heavy/skinny/tall/short .
And next thing you know your friends are asking "who was that Toucan in a human wig I saw you with last night?"
My point is this: YES, it IS a slippery slope from fantasy to fucking reality BUT it's not such a bad slope to be slipping down because when all is said and done ANY douchebag can get one of these magazine bitches but it takes a conn-o-sewer to deal with the finer and more subtle charms of "THE NON-STANDARD BEAUTY." Also known, in some parts, as the Ugly Bitch, you'll find this old butter-faced monstrosity twice as loyal, half as likely to leave you and happy as shit with just about ANYthing you goddamned do.
And best of all?
Dumping them is just the expected fulfillment of a lifelong fantasy of theirs whereby "this always happens to meeeeee...."
You'd be a fool to do anything else. Mark my goddamned words.
