YO VINNIE,
She says to me: I have body issues. These are what keep me from comfortably engaging in sexual intercourse with you. I say: you mean you're a fat bitch. She says: I'm not a BITCH. I say: I'll fuck you whether you're fat or not. She says: You don't care about me. And then proceeds to pull a hero sandwich from her purse. -- STANLEY (by email)

"I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU'RE LISTENING TO A WORD I'M SAYING!"

Dear POWER TOOL: You don't ask any questions but I must presume that since you fucking wrote me you must have something in mind.

Like: an opinion?

Well, I don't know what to say but I can say, over time, I have seen/heard it all in regards to reasons to NOT fuck--I'm having my period, I am gay, I am diseased, I am frightened by the way the sun light shines in this part of town, synthetic fabrics do not breathe, the promises of socialism were never actually fulfilled--and I have grown increasingly immune to almost every excuse in the book.

In fact, following ITALIAN SAL PACINO'S lead I find that whatever series of stumbling blocks might exist between my meat and their mouths none are big enough that I can't masturbate through your description of them immediately prior to me dropping a load on your tits ALL WHILE you are detailing detailed reasons why I possibly couldn't. And while you are detailing these reasons I am agreeing with you wholeheartedly whilst working my wang into a state of full turgidtude.

You see, as a man, I simply don't have time for anything that is NOT load-extracting. Let me put a finer point on that: I DO NOT HAVE THE FUCKING TIME. So sympathize with the body issues while taking her clothes off and admiring her zaftig (Jew talk for FAT) dimensions and EXTRACT THAT LOAD.

Reminds me of that time I was so panicked that the ship was going to sail as the young woman in question complained about her life and livelihood crescendoing into what I was sure was going to be the end of my possibility of an orgasm that I blew a load on her lips from a length of linguisa that had not even attained any measure of stiffage.

Why?

Because I could and so I did. And felt not the least bit of shame for doing so: this is how we do it.

And so the fuck should you.

I mean that she was not involved in the orgasm at all is purely academic. That I had one with her there? Goddamned priceless.