YO VINNIE,
This girl I used to fuck killed herself. She had had problems over the years and some of these are what caused us to break up. Anyways, she's dead. So far, no problem. However, my new girlfriend thinks that it's disrespectful for me to keep the videos I made of me and the dead girl fucking. Seems like a small deal but we now have argued about it no fewer than three times. Should I give in? By which I am asking also: IS it creepy to, on the odd occasion, beat off to video of me fucking a dead girl? -- Sleepless in San Francisco (by email)

LOVE IS NEVER HAVING TO HEAR ANYONE SAY NO. LIKE, EVER. AT ALL.

Dear ICHABOD CRANE: Look! LOOK at what's happening to you!!! Look at how the whole fucking dialogue has changed and you, a seemingly straight shooter, has been sucked and suckered in by IT ALL. Lemme see if I can esplain this to you.

You are like THE DEMOCRATS.
And your girlfriend is like THE REPUBLICANS.

You start off with some idle meat manipulation in the privacy of your own bathroom or wherever.

Infrequent. Possibly discreet.

SHE gets wind of it and all of a sudden YOU are a fucker of dead girls. And you, like the American public, buy it. At least enough so that you're writing ME asking me if YOU are a sexual/moral degenerate who fucks dead girls.

Listen, WHEN you were fucking her, she was alive, unless you left something out when you wrote me. And when she was alive and you were fucking her, she was NO kind of dead. In fact, she was very much the kind of alive who wanted you to film your fucking precisely so that you COULD jerk off to it...forever, if you liked. It's like her gift to YOU from the great beyond.

And this player hating broad that you're with now? She's just jealous about the possibility of you being attracted to someone who she'll never be able to beat for like 1000 different reasons not the least of which is the fact that she IS dead.

So my advice?

Jerk away my friend. The dead broad would have wanted it that way.