Yo Vinnie,
Following your advice, I tried to play one of those porn DVDs that you sold me while I had a live, in-the-flesh naked girl in the room at the same time. I don't think she was horribly impressed. However, I was able to turn the tides back in my favor with a quick application of vodka, as seems to be one's only hope in these trying times. Do you have any information about the scale of the American porn industry, in numbers??? Consumer info?

PS - Do you know anything about female ejaculation?" --CH (by email)

A DAY WITHOUT UNNAMED PRE-PROSTATE PUSSY JUICE IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE. AND NAUSEA.

Dear The Dullest Man Alive: Your letter goes from some hot slut, we imagine, to some sort of ecomonist thing and then ends with the least exciting sex proclivity around and you want US to help YOU? What the fuck about us? Jesus Christ. You know the most poisonous part of dealing with dull people is that it makes you dull. But we guess it can't all be hot 22-year old bitches who like ass sex and the boys who worry about it. So here goes our valiant attempt at not letting YOU bring our whole deal to a skidding stop.

The porn industry is a alternately a 6 to 8 billion a year industry analysts claim. Which makes it bigger than Intel. Bigger and healthier than lots of shit in Detroit. Bigger than what many small countries spend on food. All spent here on Load Sciences. Strangely enough nobody claims to watch or enjoy it. Even more strangely companies are bouncing checks on performers, performers have to trick to make ends meet and the prices of DVDs and PPMs have aggressively fallen in the last 10 years, which begs the question: WHERE'S ALL THE GODDAMNED MONEY GOING?

We imagine there's one guy sitting somewhere who could make the claim of being "The Only Man Alive Making Money On Porn" but we don't know who the fuck it is (and it ain't us).

And in regards to what we know about female ejaculation: we're horrified when it happens when we're eating pussy.

Well that, and that it's a vestigial prostate function that exists in some women for some reason UNconnected to normal vaginal lubrication but probably highly connected to creepy everyone except MR. XTRA right the fuck out.