Yo Vinnie,
So I met this girl a few weeks back. Her favorite things seem to be kickass music, sex, (occasionally in the past) sex with girls and art. Three outta four ain't bad, I hear you thinking, but there's always a catch: she has a boyfriend. Anyway, within a couple of days she's talking about seriously dumping his ass. Less than a week later, we fuck. Nothing life changing, just the usual relationship-start drunken passion shit. And then she freaks out, how whatever 'cheating' happened before wasn't 'cheating' until fucking. To make it worse, her boyfriend is a 5'5" ginger-haired wannabe white rapper. Any ideas? Oh yeah, now she won't speak to me after a drunken phone call that I have no recollection of other than remembering it happened 24 hours after it did." -- J.C. (by email)

"AND THEN HE CALLED...AND...SNIF...SNIFF...ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO HUFF HIS MUGGLE...AGAINNNN...BOO HOOOOO....

Dear JEFFREY "Please Keep My Name Secret" CHEGWIN: Drunken phone calls are dangerous. As dangerous as drunk driving. Maybe MORE dangerous than drunk driving because you kill a family of four whilst drunk driving? FINE. Go to jail, do not pass GO. You say some shit you didn't mean on the phone while under the influence of firewater? Yeah, you're likely to cause untold lifelong misery in the form of kids that shouldn't have been had and fat bitches you should never had fucked. Misery compounded daily for all the rest of your days is a whole lot different than lighting some candles and saying a few prayers for some family of losers but I DIGRESS. You ask if there are any ideas that I might sorta kinda have about this crazy broad you boned who is parsing out the difference between TALKING about sucking your cock and SUCKING your cock? You mean like trying to figure out why it is that you even care that she won't talk to you now that she's successfully extracted one, if not several, of your loads? Or why you, at this most sensitive of times, are thinking about her ripply muscled ginger-haired beau?

Yeah, I have an idea: sane the fuck up.

PERRY THE GREEK said it best: "the ideal form of a relationship is a one night stand." And Perry IS Greek. Like Aristotle. Like Plato. Like Telly Savalas. So he knows what the fuck he's talking about and that is this damned near SkullGame credo: when we see the semen, we're leaving.

Live it and love it, baby.