Yo Vinnie,
This woman's asked me out. I'm sure you might think this is great but I am a girl. I've never gone out with a girl and she's made it very clear that this is a date date. I'm freaking out. I want to go but I'm not sure if I'm ready for this. You guys are supposed to know something about women. Help. -- ANGELA (by email)

"YOUR DISGUSTING COCK WILL NEVER, EVER, NEVER GET NEAR THIS HOLE, WHICH I JEALOUSY GUARD FOR THE SISTERHOOD, VINNIE!!!" NOT THE REAL THING, BUT AN INCREDIBLE SIMULATION...OF ACTUAL STIMULATION.

Dear ANNE HECHE: A SkullGame first. A fucking letter from a broad leaning on us because an ex of hers used to read SkullGame [we had to edit her letter for length...which means we cut out all the shit that didn't specifically refer to her cooch concerns], and she got into the habit of it she reads it now too and thinks that yours truly knows something about women.

Newsflash: I don't know nothing about no women. Sluts, bitches, ho's, ballbusters and cunts? Oh yes.

But women? And very specifically lesbos? Fuck no. Wait wait wait...I'll tell you what I know about LESBOS. I was at an orgy. Finally peel off this broad, get her upstairs, turn around to get a condom and by the time I turn back? That's right, I was run by a lesbo who jumped in there with a motorized dildo, ignoring my weak and panicked entreaties to "um, lemme get in there...Uh....yeah....just lemme get in there...." And she placed herself squarely in front of the hole like a fucking goalie so I had to do some think tank level of thinking and I remember she, while a lesbian, has a mouth and so I go to shove my crank between her lips. She gives it a nice grace kiss but turns back to her redoubled efforts to get off the broad I was going to fuck and she does.

At least I'll get a shot at it now, right? WRONG. She needed a "break" and my sad and unused tool withered in the unused condom leaving me to bitterly mumble around the party.

But the story has a happy ending: the lesbian let me fuck her by the buffet table and again in the shower.

So my point is: you never know with lesbians. Go out, eat her food, enjoy the tickets she got, and if you're not feeling it, stiff when you get home exactly the way you've probably stiffed about 100 guys in the last 12 months.

No need to thank me now.