YO VINNIE,
It was horrible. Horrible. Let me catch my breath. OK. We had scheduled a date but it was a pure booty call. She was scheduled to come over to my house at 9. No cafe. No drinks, dinner or dancing. Nothing. The last time I fucked her, which was the second time I had fucked her, her crotch smelled of urine. That should have been warning enough but alas it was a warning I did not, would not heed. In any case she showed up and the first thing I noticed is that at 5' 3" she had gained 75 pounds.
She sashayed into my apartment and as she announced loudly "HERE I AM!" she began to disrobe, revealing her in all of now 225-pound fatitude. She quickly followed this with an explanation: she had been taking Prendisone and had thusly gained the weight. I choked back a sob and claimed to be thirsty and asked her if she wanted something to drink because I was going to pop downstairs to get some gatorade. Presumably to replenish my reserves after all the fucking I was going to be doing.
She said that she wanted a Mickey's Big Mouth. I left the apartment. I did not return to the apartment again until 2 in the morning at which time it seems she had given up and left. My friend's girlfriend is making the claim that I am callow and unsophisticated, but I need a little loving confirmation here: did I do wrong? -- "Hal" "Husso" (by voicemail)
"OH. SURE. YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO FUCK ME BECAUSE I'M FAT!!!" WELL, THAT'S A DECENT FUCKING START, CHUBS.
Dear AT FIRST, HE CRIES: First off: take it easy. Calm down. You have suffered a first degree shock and so, if it helps, imagine this bit of advice as if it was floating across a placid ocean of warming comfort. You, my friend, not only made no mistakes [outside of ignoring the tell-tale "urine crotch" foreshadowing], but your handling of the mistake that you almost made displayed a near think-tank genius level of thinking [outside of that "burn your apartment to a crisp" kind of potentiality].
In our minds, any sudden change in status deserves a serious courteous notification such that your potential partner may plan accordingly. Now, she was no waif when you fucked her, if your numbers were right: she was 150 pounds at 5'3", so you were prepared for a little heft but 75 pounds is damned near a completely whole other person.
Were you NOT supposed to have noticed?!?!? Cared?!?! My sense is that due to the "urine crotch" gaffe on your part she figured you were immune to sudden-like shocks to the system and decided to hit for the fences.
She whiffed it.
Congratulations my friend, your life is serving as a cautionary tale to millions.
