YO VINNIE,
She won't swallow my load. I don't know why. I asked. She shrugged and said she didn't know, but I think it's because she thinks I'm dirty. I caught her the other day, spitting it into her sheets. I hate this. Is it the taste? What? -- Andre (by email)

"WHEW. THANK GOD MY ANTI-SWALLOWING CAMPAIGN IS STILL WILDLY FUNCTIONAL. AND WHY YES: I WOULD LIKE MORE GRAVY WITH THIS."

Dear TAKE A LOAD OFF MANDY: You know, if I dig long enough, I'm pretty sure I can find in my vast archive of sexual fuck-uped-ness a letter from some desperate individual much like yourself who is asking for advice on what to do with a girl who ALWAYS swallows and thinks it's politically incorrect for his load to be deposited ON her in any way, shape or form. And HE, is also probably unhappy. He's unhappy while both of your girls are secretly hoping to find the other guy so they can get a few minutes of goddamned peace from your continual mewling about sexual minutiae so insignificant that it doesn't even range on the scale of serious sexual consideration when measured against guys who
get NOTHING and girls who just wanna have fu-un.

But for half a second we can swallow, a-hem, our extreme urge to laugh you out of the joint and look at your THANKSGIVING problem with a calmer and clearer head while you go down this checklist of shit that might be fucking up the taste of your spooge [incidentally? Asking someone ELSE what's wrong with the taste of YOUR spooge is like asking someone else if your teeth are dirty while you're standing in front of a mirror]: asparagus and coffee are guaranteed spooge spoilers. Alcohol in excess can be. Fried onions too. The rule of thumb seems to be: if it stinks going in, it's going to stink coming out.

Conversely, stuff that's sweet going in--fruit, candy, juice and so on--usually informs the exit strategy with a taste treat worth tasting.

But maybe it's none of these things. Maybe it's some weird body-of-Christ thing. In which case you should really count your blessings that you DON'T know and that every time you get blown you have a wonderful and waiting face upon which to blow your smelly ass load.

Something, incidentally, some starving kids in India would LOVE to do. Or have done to them. Depending, possibly largely on how many rupees were part of the Slumdog MILLIONS you paid them for the pleasure of. [SkullGame commercial break: LARRY LARRY LARRY says HELL YES to sex tourism!]