YO VINNIE,
I married my high school sweetheart. And we still are. But after 16 years things are stale and I don't know how to advance things. She's never had sex with anyone else but me. In a moment of weakness I've been with a few. Which is why I feel weird trying to advance things. Everytime I suggest trying something new she asks, "where'd you learn THAT?" And I have to spend like 30 minutes convincing her that I'm NOT dissatisfied with her and I did NOT learn it from some other woman. How do I save my relationship without it boring me to tears? -- L.C. (by email)

"GREAT. THAT'S JUST GREAT. THIS WAS YOUR BIG FUCKING SURPRISE?"

Dear DAMNEDIF YOUDO: There's a whole fucking sub-genus of letters we get here and they roll the whole goddamned gamut from "how do we....?" and fill in your favorite deviant sex practice here to "why won't she...?" and just copy the aforementioned favorite deviant sex practice in here and you get the idea. All of this waiting and debating, like you're considering a fucking U.N. sanction against load-unfriendly nations, before you have international clearance to fuck someone's ass?

You gotta be kidding me?

But underlying all of these, and yours too, is the fundamental issue of "how do we do all of that shit that everybody else is doing without feeling stupid for doing it? And the answer is stunning in its simplicity: just do it. Until someone tells you to stop. And depending on what it is you'll either get stopped sooner (or later).

Loads on the face? Hard to stop at all.

Ass fucking? A little easier to stop but nothing ventured nothing gained and at least you have vouchsafed the illicit thrill of doing that which is not ordinarily done thereby pushing the bar a little further into the freakzone each time you do it (that is IF you can stand doing it again and again and again in the face of her withering contempt, disgust and maybe somewhere down the line: a glimmer of interest).

THIS will solve about HALF your problem. The other half of your problem--how to turn a housewife into a ho? Well, that's not so easily solved however the good part is this will change with age. The witholding, ball buster at 21 is the fucking ball juggling whore at 44.

Long time to wait, but based on the pictures some of you have sent us: well worth it, jack.