YO VINNIE,
There's this girl who has blown me like 30 times. I eat her out. She blows me. 30 times. 30 DIFFERENT times. Now when I make the move for the cooch she tells me that she doesn't want to have sex with me because it's going to be bad for her to have sex with someone that she's not involved with. Then she goes back to sucking my cock. Until I come. Did I mention that she is 24? Suggestions? -- A.D. (by email)

"I'M JUST NOT REALLY READY TO ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW, PUT IT IN MY MOUTH QUITE YET, IF THAT'S OK WITH YOU."

Dear ORAL ROBERTS: Oh, my friend. I feel for you. You're stuck in the Twilight Zone of broads in their early 20s where their brains are making that last ditch attempt at calcifying into a world view that almost sorta kinda works vis a vis things like cock. And their personalities. And shit. Is there anything sort of the nuclear option ["will you MARRY me??!?!!!"] that will get your pole in her hole?

No.

She came to her dogheaded conclusion by way of a SINGLE experience upon which she's basing EVERYTHING now. So, curse the man who ruined everything for everybody after him forever [or at least until she turns 30] or look at things silver lining style: you're getting your dick sucked by a woman who won't want you to go to poetry readings, movies with SHIRLEY MACLAINE in them, or to the store to get her tampons.

I mean if you play your cards right here this is almost perfect. But, of course, it never is really or can be since gnawing at you day and night and night and day is the question: what's the pussy like? It'll start to eat at you like a cancer until each sucked cock mocks you and you'll find yourself driven to the brink of chaos where you start to feel like you'd do just about ANYTHING, say just about ANYTHING and give just about ANYTHING to be sunk sausage deep in that quim.

You know what we call guys like you?

Married.

Be afraid. Very afraid.