Yo Vinnie,
I broke up with my old lady. The reasons are too numerous to go into here. But she's still calling and we still see each other. She's not seeing anyone else either I don't think. In any case she asked me point blank if we were ever going to get back together. I told her if she got her teeth fixed and got a boob job. Then I happened to mention this to a woman friend of mine. I mean that I had said that, and she gave me all kinds of hell. Am I a pig for telling the truth? -- Pig Malion (by email)

NICE BRACES, BABE. WELL YOU'RE HALFWAY THERE. THAT IS, HALFWAY TO FIGURING OUT THAT I MEAN ABSOLUTELY NONE OF WHAT THE FUCK I SAY & THAT I'M COMPLETELY FULL OF SHIT.

Dear HENRY HIGGINS: A pig? Look...everybody in America's all hemmed in with this alternate reality bullshit which we're all supposed to believe and if we do so, well, everything will be ok. 9/11 and Iraq ARE connected, Jews DON'T work in Hollywood, Negroes DON'T play basketball well, Chinees ARE good drivers. And so here you come, and you tell snaggle tooth what the rest of this America would smother in a lot of "loving you just the way you are" crap and YOU'RE the pig? I don't think so. You're an idiot. Not a pig.

An idiot?!?! Who?!? Wha?!? Why?!?!

Because if she didn't flip out when you said this it means she also lives in that other section of america that largely believes they are totally fucked up if only....if only...if only they had [fill in the fucking blank here]. So she believes you, which is good. What's bad is that she believes you well enough to do what you've suggested meaning you've played yourself into an endgame that may not be to your liking.

I mean what do you do when she shows up with new grill work and big giant tay tays?!?

We advise: bone her 8 or 9 or 32 times and then say, when the time is just right...like when she's daubing the last few drops of your puce offa her pickets, "ah, babe, this ain't working out...I thought it would, but it's not. I was a fool to think that surface modifications could change the beauty that was always there inside of you. A beauty that surpasses all of this other shit you've done to yourself. Shit that, for me, has RUINED the essence that is you. I'm sorry I can't bear what I've forced you to do to yourself. The shame is all mine.

Now, please close the door on your way out."

Check-fucking-mate!