Yo Vinnie,
My girl is fucking HOT. Picture enclosed. But she's got a thing that's got me up against it. Nothing turns her on though like? You got it. Gay porn. Which I find disturbing to say the least. Sure, she can do it without it, but there's nowhere near the same kind of intensity. She's often claimed that she's really a gay man in a woman's body. But this is it, it seems. No attempts to fuck me with a strap-on, or make me listen to Judy Garland records. But I just can't hang anymore with the fag fuck flicks. Help. -- H.P., (by email)

NOT ENTIRELY SURE BASEBALL IS MUCH BETTER

Dear MR. LOVECRAFT: Jesus, man. Jesus. What can we say? The only thing that I've even ever come close to like this has been when I was banging this broad at this sex club and looked up and peeped a roomful of dudes jerking their joints to my fucking. Thanks, but next time just throw fucking money or clap, if you know what I mean. But what? I agree, she IS hot. But with all the things that a man has to deal with -- her husband coming home, her giving you the clap, you giving her the clap, her getting knocked up, her not paying you, you not getting it up when she doesn't pay you -- now you gotta factor in creeping cock love and the possible gay contagion?!??!

No, no, 1000 times, NO.

Especially since you ARE gay. I mean why else would you be so fucking panicked by what's on the TV and not this fine-ass broad you're banging? So: break up with her so you can watch your "football player-roman centurion" shit and give me her fucking phone number so's whiles she's watching OPRAH, or AMERICAN IDOL or whatever kind of gay shit she wants to watch, I can watch my load dribbling down her fine-ass chin.