YO VINNIE,
She comes over. Announces beforehand that she's not going to have sex with me. I followed to a T your "Philosophy of Yeah Yeah: A Primer on Saying That Which You Do Not Mean...And Meaning It." Next thing I know she's got my cock in her mouth. She removes the cock at some point and repeats to me, "I'm NOT having sex with you," and then goes back to blowing me. Until I blow a load. Thoughts? -- Riddler, New York (by email)

STILL NOT FUCKING YOU: SEMANTICS IN FUCKING ACTION

Dear Frank Fucking Gorshin: What befits a fucking president most? The parsing of the language to such fine points that all of a sudden a cigar maybe don't look so much like a cigar anymore and if the culmination of this or any other act doesn't lead to offspring well, it ain't fucking, that's what. Which means, as some hooker friend of mine first tried to reason, that sex with a condom wasn't really sex at all since a man with a condom on is not fucking a woman but is merely fucking the inside of a fucking condom.

Do you see why and how the world has gone insane?

List of non-sex but nonetheless load-bearing activities: any variant of cock in the mouth, hand, jug jugs, and if you really wanted to live on the edge perhaps make the point that sex with the condom is ALSO non-sex.

And if she'll buy that load of crap well you're load free. Free as the wind blows. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go back to not having sex with my fist, in the hopes that this will eventually lead to me not having sex with this 20-year-old's waiting chin, which appears to be waiting for my very non-sexual load.

Sheeeiiittt....whatever gets you through the night.