YO VINNIE,
I'm at a bar. With an ugly bitch. Now the ugly bitch, who is not only overweight, but also OLD is a guaranteed stone cold LOCK. Pussy under glass. So whiles I'm sitting there I'm being passed by a coterie of pitying pussy. Do I buckle to social pressures that inevitably attach to my standing in the community as a non-pig fucker or do I do the polite thing and fuck the pig? -- "Stan" (by email)

GRANNY'S GOLDEN GLAZED GOODNESS COURTESY OF HE-WHO-WILL-REMAIN-NAMELESS. THANKS FOR THE PIC, FRED BURKE, OF 2254 KENSINGTON PKWY., SILVER SPRING, MARYLAND!!! YOUR SECRET'S SAFE WITH US!

Dear Marshall Mathers: You gotta ask?

Look, if I said this before I'll say it again: Fuck the Pig.

You know those times when you go to a restaurant and you stiff them by either dining and ditching, chewing and screwing, or dining and dashing (all technically the SAME thing)? Either that or you go all Steve Buscemi on them and leave a shitty tip? But you don't give a fuck because you know you ain't never going to eat there again?

Well, this is the same thing.

All of those pretty ho's are just upset at their loss of yet another JOB applicant whose football they will inevitably yank high and wide at around closing time when it's too late to do too much other than go home and grimly masturbate into a dirty sock.

But the pig?

Well, she will let you fuck her IN the club in some dark corner somewhere. Which means you save on the hotel room or the trip to her house and the inevitable climb out of her bathroom window.

And if you get spotted by some friends of yours?

DENY, DENY, DENY. And if that doesn't work, work the turn-around and immediately telling all and sundry that that self-same friend was the one who fucked the pig.

It works ALL the time. Because even if no one believes you, you've spread the guilt high and wide and besmirched a friend. All things that make life much more joyful in the long run.

So says VINNIE.