YO VINNIE,
I've just started this relationship with this woman who has only fucked three men in her whole life. She fashions herself adventurous and the other day accused me of being conservative. I said that I wasn't because in my own way I'm grooming her for my degeneracy and hesitate to do so too quickly lest she run away. How can I now rachet things up without seeming like I'm trying to "show" her up? -- MILES (by email)

AH. T.S. ELIOT, THOUGH AN ANTISEMITE, WAS ONE OF BRITAIN'S FINER POETS AND MMMGGHHMMPPHHH.....

Dear Mr. Before I Sleep: Sad. Very, very fucking sad what the state of modern masculinity says about the mindframe of the modern man that this is even an email that you'd send to another human being with a cock.

Rule Number ONE: stop listening to anything she says that's not what you want to hear.
She says, "I just think that you don't really support my interest in macrame."
You say, "Is that so?"

She says, "Why do you always belittle ME when I talk about books I like?"
You say, "My, my."

She says, "We should go to a poetry reading."
You say, "I think we should see other people.

Rule Number 2: Who cares what she does, says, or thinks? Not me. And if you got a pair of nuts big enough to put underwears over, not you neither. So bust loose with the loads on the face, the slapping, the spitting, the ass to mouth specialties, the dildos, the threesomes, the cameras, the gangbangs, the Mexican bus boys, and if she doesn't like it

You say, "take it on the arches."

You want to chatter? Start playing catcher. I mean that's what she's got other broads for. You ever heard of "strong and silent"? Well, be it, do it, live and love it, baby, and when you hear shit like this in the future IMMEDIATELY begin dropping loads on, near or about the facial area because the gauntlet hasn't been thrown, buddy boy, it's been LAUNCHED.