YO VINNIE,
The good news: my girlfriend is having a gangbang. Actually she and some chick friend of hers are having one. At my place. The bad news: Me and you have been disinvited on the grounds that we're "too nice" and would "fuck with the flow." Is there a way to talk your way into a gangbang? -- ITALIAN SAL (by telephone)

OH. LOOK. THERE'S, UM, JOHN, AND, UM, JOHN, JOHN, JOHN, JOHN, & JOHN. BUT, AH, NOPE, NO SAL OR VINNIE ON THE GUEST LIST, SIRS. SORRY. BETTER FUCKING LUCK NEXT TIME.

PRICKS.

Dear Salamatullo: IS there a way to talk our way into a gangbang? That doesn't have us being the banged? And that actually has us doing some banging? Obviously fucking not. But Jesus Fucking Christ where to even begin on this one? Well, let's try this on for size: if we are "TOO nice" exactly what kind of fucking serial killing cock monsters ARE being invited?!?! WE are felons, are we not?!? WE are fuckheads. WE are liars, cheats, and thieves. We plunder. Humiliate. Belittle. Bully. Beat.

AND WE'RE TOO FUCKING NICE?!?!

Well I guess that's goddamned right. But what was that thing Groucho Marx said about not wanting to be part of any gangbang that would have him at their gangbang? Well, it's just as true now as it was back then: offer them $28.92. Plus a burrito. If this doesn't buy our way in, we'll go to Plan B: start killing people. That'll show them who the fuck is too fucking nice.

Bitches.