A PLEA FROM GAY EXPERT MIKE LA VELLA:
"OK. You've had your fun...
NOT EVEN BY A LONG SHOT, FUCKFACE
Don't you imagine that now it's time to let it go, move on, grow up and stop dragging my name through your cesspool of a site? I do. Cease. AND desist.
signed,
MIKE LA VELLA, Pantscrapper
SKULLGAME RESPONDS
NOT EVEN.
Imagine if you will...a man standing in a small, cold, concrete room attached to his house, grimly masturbating into a sock (not even his) watching pornography on his laptop computer.
Got that? Good.
Now, do you see such a man showing the slightest bit of human compassion for the plight of a prick such as yourself who has made millions making friends with other men's penises and ripping people off, "allegedly"?
Yeah. We didn't think so either.
KOBE BRYANT BAITING: DAY 386
I'VE SERVED MY ASS FUCKING DEBT TO SOCIETY. WHY WON'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!?!
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Because we hate you, THAT'S why.
A SKULLGAME EXCLUSIVE: SETH MAC FARLANE...BY NICKY BALLS!!!
f you have ever had the pleasure of watching an episode of Fox TV's now-off-the-air-but-soon-to-return-to-prime-time-next month THE FAMILY GUY, you know quite well that what you may have thought initially was a minor variation on THE SIMPSONS or FATHER KNOWS BEST was actually the TV equivalent of getting gang raped by THE THREE STOOGES.
THE FAMILY GUY, founded and partially voiced by AMERICAN DAD creator and AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE contributor Seth MacFarlane, is a modern cartoon that tells the many tales of Quahog, Rhode Island native and stand up moron Peter Griffin and his family, his alcoholic talking dog Brian, his friends, various neighbors and their town. The show, which originally ran on Fox from 1999-2002 and is now on repeat through the magic of The Cartoon Network's "Adult Swim" and Ted Turner's TBS (ironically enough), took television extremity to a new level of sophistication, banality and abomination like a good kick in the groin. Those weak souls who attempted to state that it was SOUTH PARK that took that extremity cake were quickly dismissed by those in the know since comparing SOUTH PARK to THE FAMILY GUY is like comparing fart jokes to shit-eating videos.
By far one of the most compelling characters in the show is the ever swinging, stuck in the 70's, Rat Pack-lovin' and eternally horny neighbor and bachelor Glen(wood) Quagmire. Like a darker, dirtier and more twisted fusion of the THREE's COMPANY characters Larry Dallas and Mr. Furley, Quagmire has the eternal hots for his neighbor Peter's wife Lois and will stop at nothing to get into just about any female's pants
(transvestites included). We'll see just how far he gets when THE FAMILY GUY returns to Fox TV May 1st!
So, without further adieu, he's hot, he's hip, he's lewd, he's a cartooSG: ladies and gentlemen, I give you GLEN QUAGMIRE!
SkullGame: Hey, Glen, what's happenin', man?
Quagmire: Giggiduh-giggiduh-giggiduh-giggiduh-goo!
SG: So where are you now Glen?
Q: At the house, Nick, where the hell you think I am?
SG: What you drinkin'?
Q: I-I'm-I-drinking-drinkin'-a little-drinking a
Martini! A Martini with an olive.
SG: So what have you been doing since the show went off the air?
Q: Ah, mostly wackin' off and a little bit of readin'.
SG: What you been readin'.
Q: Ah...p-p-p-p-pornography.
SG: Oh, excellent. Hustler?
Q: Hustler, Playboy, Penthouse, Big Butts, Choice
Cuts, you name it.
SG: So are you excited the show is returning onto the air?
Q: Nick, I couldn't be happier. I couldn't be happier the show's comin' back. All I gotta say is AWWWWWLLLLLL-RIGHT!
SG: So you have any juicy Hollywood stories for me?
Q: Well let's see...y'know Nick, I once had a...once had a...a...brief fling with Elizabeth Taylor, but I got lost inside...
SG: Huh?
Q: That went a little over your head, didn't it? Well, it went a little over mine too.
SG: So you didn't sleep with Kelly Osborne or Paris Hilton?
Q: I couldn't sleep with Paris Hilton 'cause it'd be
like fuckin' a grasshopper. There's nothin' to grab
onto, Nick. It's just skin and bones there on Paris
Hilton.
SG: So what do you miss most about the 70's?
Q: Oh boy. Uh, the big Catholic bush that all the chicks pass. You know the big Catholic bush?
SG: The what?
Q: Man, you know, the big Catholic bush!
SG: Of course.
Q: The big Catholic vagina bush. Try to keep up with me here, Nicky.
SG: Yeah, I missed the 70's by about 4 years.
Q: Maude had a bush like that, Nick. (pause) I'm sorry, I'm still on the bush thing.
SG: So, ah, do you still do coke?
Q: I have no comment.
O.K. THIS CONVERSATION IS GETTING A LITTLE TOO HOMOEROTIC FOR ME! WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING ABOUT VAGINAS!
SG: Is that what you miss about the 80's too?
Q: Sure, sure, the 80's, 80's...big, big,
big...uh...big, big...I'm at a loss for a reference here, Nick.
SG: I won't ask about the 90's then, Glen. So, are you
a member of the "Mile High Club" by chance?
Q: I think every airline pilot in the business is a member of the "Mile High Club". Only a fraction of us will admit it, but, OH YEAH, I've fucked them in the air, on the ground ...I've fucked them in the hangar, too. You name it Nicky, I've been there.
SG: So what was your best lay?
Q: A man doesn't talk about his conquests...but, what the hell. I once nailed this stewardess 8 times on 24 different jets and that was SPECTACULAR. I wrote a little something in my journal about that before I went to bed that night.
SG: What happened to the journal?
Q: Not much...I don't know, Nick, there's cum all over it. (pause) You want some smut? You want smut, Nick?
SG: Do I want smut? Sure, I want smut.
Q: More power to you, buddy.
SG: So, what was your worst lay?
Q: Do we really have to talk about that? DO WE REALLY
HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THAT NIGHT NOW, NICK?
SG: No we don't, Glen.
Q: You know, we've all had the problem...'course we've all had the problem. Happens to every man at some point in life. Quagmire too, and he doesn't want to come to the party. It happened just last night, Nick. That's cool, that's cool. I just take a little pomegranate, sprinkle a little prune juice over it, there's nothing to worry about, nothing to worry about, Nick. (pause) Ah...what was the question?
SG: No, it's okay, man, we'll go on to the next one. What was your first lay?
Q: Oh boy. Uh...19...uh, what's today? Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...about, uh, about, I suppose...uh...20 years ago. About 20 years ago, and by God, she was something else. She was something else, let me tell you. (pause) It was...it was...Justine Bateman.
SG: Justine Bateman?
Q: Well, you know you didn't hear that from me.
SG: I'd ask you about that but I don't think you're at liberty to say.
Q: No, no, she runs her fucking mouth off about it once a day.
SG: Oh. So, what was your best fantasy come true?
Q: Ahhhhhh...well, you know, Nick, I've always wanted to have a girl blow me while I'm sittin' on my couch watching the Dick Van Dyke show. And I'll tell you: about 2 years ago I was datin' this broad and it happened for me. I just threw it out there, threw it on the table while eating dinner, and I said: "you know Betty, I wanted to ask you to blow me while I'm watching Dick trip over the ottoman." (pause) And there we go, there we are.
SG: Did she look like Mary Tyler Moore?
Q: I dunno. I couldn't see her face.
SG: What was your worst fantasy come true?
Q: Well, we don't need to talk about feces, Nick. WE DON'T NEED TO TALK ABOUT FECES.
SG: You got it. So tell me, since you're a commercial airline pilot, what's your favorite country to fly to?
Q: Oh gosh, oh golly, golly, golly, golly. (pause) Mexico. The women are pretty easy.
SG: And your least favorite country to fly to?
Q: Germany, Nick. Ain't nothin' there, Nick, ain't nothin' there. Stay away from those vaginas.
SG: What's your favorite country to party in?
Q: I PARTY IN THE U.S. GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKIN’ OF A, NICK! ONE BIG GODDAMNED PARTY 365 DAYS A YEAR! AWWWWWLLLLLL-RIGHT!
SG: And your least favorite country to party in?
Q: Germany, Nick. Stay away from there.
SG: What's your ultimate fantasy besides Lois Griffin?
Q: Ahhh...Lois Griffin and a clone of Lois Griffin...a clone of Lois Griffin on top of like the real Lois Griffin. They're doing all this genetic engineering now, all this cloning, all these gene splices, cell division, that type of thing now, y'know? (pause) Lois Griffin and her clone goin' down on each other...but I'd take Cleveland's wife as a substitute. A little yin yang there, a little black and white, a little chocolate and vanilla all mixed up there.
SG: I can dig it. Oreo cookie shall we say?
Q: Yeah, sure, Oreo cookie, devil dog, ho-ho, ring ding...
SG: What's your favorite sex position?
Q: Oh boy, well, I suppose the 69 there...well, actually my personal favorite is the Jackie Gleason.
SG: Could you tell me about that?
Q: Well, that's when you get on top of a really fat chick and your ass and your legs don't even touch the mattress. (pause) Do you know what I'm talkin' about here, Nick?
SG: Sure.
Q: I'm just doing the stickler here, Nick, I'm just lying on the couch so bare with me. They can't all be gems, Nick, cause that's what makes a gem a gem.
SG: They're all gems, Glen.
Q: Well, God bless ya.
SG: So, what in God's name is your family like?
Q: Well, I think back to the days when I was a youngster, breast feeding...my teenage years, breast feeding... I'm sorry, I'm getting everything mixed up. (pause) You know, I was always into chicks, didn't have the best luck in high school, but, boy, that all changed, that all changed once I, uh, grew up and acquired the self-confidence that I have now. Only thing I never have done is worked out. Never worked out, never needed to.
SG: Never jerked off?
Q: Huh? I've jerked off. Of course I've jerked off, Nick, what the hell... I SAID I'VE NEVER WORKED OUT!
SG: Oh, worked out, yeah. Never needed to, huh?
Q: Never worked out once. (pause) I, uh, do give my penis a workout though.
SG: What? Oh, so how big is it?
Q: O.K. THIS CONVERSATION IS GETTING A LITTLE TOO HOMOEROTIC FOR ME! WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING ABOUT VAGINAS!
SG: Well, no, that's fine, so then, you've never knowingly had sex with a man besides that time you went to Philippines?
Q: Right right right right could we PLEASE not talk about that?
SG: Alright, alright, so-
Q: We've all done one, Nick. We've all done one.
SG: Right, so I'll change gears here. So is it true that you're a big Queen fan?
Q: NICK, I THOUGHT I JUST GOT THROUGH TELLING YOU-
SG: Okay, I'll lay off. What is your favorite music besides Frank Sinatra?
Q: Ahhhh...Mr. Tony Bennett...Vic Damone...Bing
Crosby...Mr. Dean Martin...Sammy Davis, Jr....Mr. Mel
Torme...Ms. Rosemary Clooney...Louis Prima and Keely
Smith...Dinah Shore...Peggy Lee...Stan Kenton...and
Mr. Nelson Riddle, he's number 1, he's the greatest of them all.
SG: What are your favorite films, porn or otherwise?
Q: Well, I think you can pretty much skip the otherwise, Nick. Ever see "The Purple Head of Cairo"?
SG: Uh…no.
Q: Well, it's about this character who steps out of a movie screen and he meets this woman and then they fuck for the next 45 minutes. It's kind of a nip on the Woody Allen picture but less story, more fucking.
SG: I'll be sure to check it out. Okay, so what is the
first thing that comes to your mind when I say: Lois
(Griffin)?
Q: Sex.
SG: Peter (Griffin)?
Q: Ah, good pal, buddy boy, good buddy old pal. Calls you whenever he needs money.
SG: Stewie (Griffin)?
Q: Fuckin' nuts. Something ain't right with that kid.
I don't know but something...something...I don't know, but something ain't right. Something's wrong up there in the noodle. Something ain't right up there in the noggin.
SG: Meg (Griffin)?
Q: Heeheehee AWWWWWLLLLLL-RIGHT!
SG: Chris (Griffin)?
Q: I can take him or leave him.
SG: Brian (Griffin)?
Q: Not the biggest party boy in the world. Not necessarily the guy you'd want to bring the hoochie-coochie joint.
SG: Is that because he can lick his own balls?
Q: I tell ya Nick, if I could do that I wouldn't leave the house.
SG: Cleveland?
Q: African-American. I'm sure there are other characteristics.
SG: Joe?
Q: The fellow that I hope, I...uh...heh heh...well, I'm thinking about all the prostitutes that I bring home, Nick, and I'm hoping to God I never get got by the ol' Joe-meister. Well, he's a police officer and we all know prostitution's against the law but I've written my congressman many, many, many times, many, many letters to my congressman. Never got a response but I'm still working on it.
SG: Quahog (R.I.)?
Q: My second favorite kind of clam.
SG: How about Seth (MacFarlane)?
Q: Who?
SG: Seth.
Q: Now wait a second, Nick, you're breakin' the fourth wall. We don't do that around here.
SG: Rupert Murdoch?
Q: (goes into weird robot-like voice): THE GOD OF ALL THINGS. THE CREATOR OF ALL THINGS GOOD. (pause-returns to regular voice) What the hell, I just drew a blank there, Nick, I must have blacked out for a second.
SG: So Glen, tell me, what are your long-range plans?
Q: Well I'm shootin' for about 12 inches there, Nick.
That's the old goal. You know we gotta set goals for ourselves.
SG: Indeed. Well thank you Glen for taking the time to talk with me.
Q: Hey, any friend of pornography is a friend of Glen Quagmire's! AWWWWWLLLLLL-RIGHT!
The entire first three seasons of THE FAMILY GUY are currently available on DVD at fine stores everywhere.
