Yo Vinnie,
I was just with this woman and in the heat of passion she asked me to talk dirty to her. I mean I always thought I was like an adventurous man but I was surprised at how half-hearted words like "slut" and "bitch" suddenly sounded coming out of my mouth. It was so bad that I don't even want to try it again so as to get better at it. Solutions? -- Kisses Mother With This Mouth (by email)

I SAAIIIDDD: HOW'S THE FUCKING GODDAMNED WEATHER?

Dear Norman Bates: You are in the shit, my friend. Because while a skill like sucking cock is exactly that: a skill. That is, a series of techniques that when melded with some sort of core competencies is conceivably something one could get better at. Turning the scalpel of Verbal Abuse (VA) into a toy to be used in the throes of passion is not something that will be for everyone. Not without someone starting to laugh. I remember I was fucking this bald-headed German broad once. She told me in no uncertain terms,

"call me a whore."

And I said, "funny, that's just what I was thinking."

And she said, "what? Of calling me a whore? Or that I was a whore?"

"Whatever."

And so that's my point.

Oh. Wait. That's not my point.

My point was that when I said "you dirty fucking piece of shit..." and she started writhing on the bed like my cock was about 30 feet long I quickly learned to get over what felt like the ridiculousness of "fake name calling" and got the fuck into it.

And you should do the same as the broad you're with will either turn the fuck ON, in which case, you're jake.

Or she will start crying and ask you to leave.

In either case your problems are solved.

You filthy motherfucker, you.