AS SKULLGAME'S PATRON SAINT OF STUPID I, SHARON STONE, SHOW YOU MY BREASTS. BOTH OF THEM. AT THE SAME TIME. NOW CAN I HAVE MY CAREER BACK?
BLESSED BY SHARON STONE, EDDIE FUCKING COATES SEARCHES FOR "A WOMAN IS SECURE WITH HER SEXUALLY AND EMOTIONALLY"
"I AM LOOKING FOR A GOOD WOMAN WHO LOVES LIFE AND ME!"
LETTERS TO MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME
OUR MANSION (SkullGame) -- All of the above quotes are quoted exactly as they were written--tortured syntax, fucked up spelling, stunning stupidity intact--for your consideration: they barely pay us enough to have to muddle through shit like this.
But ladies and gentlemen, meet a lover of life: EDDIE FUCKING COATES. In his many disguises his repeated and dog-headed attempts to stick his ass into SKULLGAME have met with general derision and hurtful commentary but today is a new day. Today is the day that we embrace the patron saint of gay for your continued amusement and/or chagrin.
DISGUISED AS AN INNOCENT AND CURIOUS READER WE FIRST GET THIS EMAIL:
Bartok: "Hey. What's your deal with Eddie Coates?"
"SOMEONE TO MY BEST FRIEND IN LIFE AND START A FAMILY."
TO WHICH ITALIAN SAL SAYS:
The only reason that I could see anyone caring who Eddie is, is if, in fact, they are Eddie themselves. I would go as far as to say that Eddie's parents, whoever they may be, don't give a rat's ass who Eddie is. So with that I will say "Hello Eddie, nice to see that our unrelenting personal attacks have left your brain so deeply scarred that in what can only be described as something seemingly Stockholm Syndromesque you have become a fan of our website." If you are not Eddie Coates, a fact I am unwilling to entertain but will in the interest of Comedy know this: I actually like Eddie and am a huge fan of his stumblingly inept work. He is a true renaissance man and I hope that his job at Wherehouse records where he awkwardly hits on girls a full decade younger than him will bear fruit that will land him squarely in the Maricopa County Jail.
AND THEN THIS SADLY AND TREMBLINGLY TRANSPARENT ATTEMPT TO SAVE FUCKING FACE:
Bartok: "Uhhh, no, I'm not Eddie.. just a Scottsdale resident who's curious who this guy is. Take that for what it's worth. later"
Sad. Very sad.
DUE TO THE RAPIDLY CHANGING POLITICAL SITUATION THAT TEETERS ON THE BRINK OF WAR, SKULLGAME IS RE-RUNNING THE SECOND IN A SERIES OF ARTICLES DETAILING THE QUICKLY WORSENING SITUATION BETWEEN THE AXIS POWERS TO KEEP YOU TOTALLY UP TO DATE ON A WORLD ON THE EDGE OF WAR
HAUPTSBAUMFUHRER HEIDI KLUM LAUNCHES BLITZKRIEG AGAINST ITALY; THE GOLDEN STATE'S GAULEITER SCHWARZENEGGGER MONITORS THE SITUATION
HEIDI "THE SHE-WOLF OF THE SS" KLUM's contretemps with multi-millionaire financier, industrialist and Italian strongman FLAVIO "EL CAZZO" BRIATORE has crossed a diplomatic rubicon after a mass rally wherein she called him a "wrinkly worthless old has-been" after learning he had fucked a younger, hotter, 19-year old UberModel.
MEIN BUSEN IST SEHR VOLLGEIL!!!! SIEG HEIL!! SIEG HEIL!!
The 30-year-old old broad and bitch queen of Berlin, who is five months pregnant with Briatore's child, was devastated when she discovered the Formula One chief was cheating on her and their plans to annex Austria.
"Heidi's heart has been broken by this worthless man. She is absolutely devastated. Briatore has behaved like a bastard," says her Secretary of Propaganda and aunt, Elma, 63. "In my day we knew how to treat Italians."
THE BLACK-SHIRTED FIFTH COLUMNISTS IN HAPPIER TIMES
"She is so beautiful and he is old and wrinkly. Much like me. I'll never know what she was doing with such an old has-been. It's not like she needed the money. It upsets me so much that he has treated her this way."
Briatore could still not be reached for comment both on account of him being busy with all of the hot young fucking pussy he's slamming and his present plans to invade Ethiopia.
HAHAHAH...FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M FREE AT LAST
HAUPTSBAUMFUHRER HEIDI KLUM ALLIES WITH AFRICA IN HER ATTEMPT TO DEFEAT THE ITALIANS AT THEIR OWN GAME!!!!!!
IT IS CUSTOMARY IN MY COUNTRY TO FUCK GERMAN ASS AT EVERY GIVEN OPPORTUNITY. AND AS AGGRESSIVELY AS POSSIBLE.
In a move to rival the November criminal's backstabbing at Versailles, NAZI LEADER HEIDI KLUM was recently discovered to have allied with scarfaced singer SEAL, uncovering the truth behind her sudden split with racing boss FLAVIO "EL CAZZO" BRIATORE this month.
KLUM POISED FOR AN AFRICAN INVASION
Formula One tycoon Briatore, who's now demanding a paternity test to prove he's the father of Klum's baby, separated from the sexy German slut amid allegations he had been unfaithful.
But it's now emerged Klum has been secretly dating the AFRICAN for the past two months, and pals insist the loved-up couple are so close, Seal has vowed to father her child when it's born.
BRIATORE SEEKS SOLACE IN HIS SUDDENLY SIGNED PACT WITH THE PREMIER OF HOMOTONIA
A pal of Heidi's says, "It really is love. She now realizes her fling with Flavio was a bit of a mistake and that Seal is really the one for her. He is touring at the moment but jets to her side whenever he has the chance. They think this relationship could be for keeps. Although she is pregnant, it does not affect their relationship as he fucks her in the ass mostly anyway. But they have a special bond and he is prepared to treat the child as his own, even though god knows, we have no idea whose it is."
