YO VINNIE,
My girl keeps talking about a threesome. Mostly because she knows I've done it before. I don't if she wants to compete with me or just wants to make me happy but I KNOW she's not cut out for it and rather than have to endure a night of uncomfortable shit, I'd like to decline. Now, she's hurt. How would you have handled this?--Todd (by email)

.......AND THEN YOU WOKE UP

Dear Mr. We Should Have Such Fucking Problems: Well there are lots of answers absent from your reekingly sad, vaguely homosexual maunderings.

Does she want to have a male-female-male threesome? (In which case she's a cock monster at whose alter you should worship.)

Does she want to have a female-male-female threesome? (In which case she just really, really, really wants to make you happy, is laying the groundwork for a MFM, or has lesbo leanings.)

Or is it the male-female-dog variant that has you so fezzed up? (You're on your own here. But a word of advice: get film.)

My guess is, Mother Theresa, that if you're worrying about hurting her feelings then she's GOT feelings and you should dump her immediately and hold truck with tramps that know how to fucking LIVE life.