skull_weblog

FUCK MY WHITE ASS BLACK MAN #1

Xotica Pictures

Rating: FIVE "What's It All About Alpo?" BUSTED NUTS

Catchy Title? You better believe it!

Something you want to be saying strolling around the shower in San Quentin? Probably not.

"MMGGHMMPPPH!" EXHORTS ASHLEY BLUE TO THE BLACK MAN WHO'S NOT UNDERSTOOD A WORD SHE'S SAID BUT WHO SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND, INSTINCTIVELY, WHAT IT IS THAT SHE WANTS ANYWAY: A PIPE UP THE POOPER!!!

No scratching one's head necessary for this title, boys. It’s exactly what it describes: white chicks sliding ass first on to big black cocks. Translation: fucking genius! All anal, all the time; this movie features the likes of ASHLEY BLUE and MELANIE JAGGER just to name a few of the interracial anal diplomats this fuck flick has to offer.

Never have so few done so much for race relations in America, never have amphetamine addicted females been called upon to save America with the only tool they possess: their Ass.

Need more?

I got two words for you: double anal.

Need something else?

Okay, DOUBLE ANAL! -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/252580.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

CALUMNY, SLANDER & SAGACIOUS SAUSAGE SLINGING IN SKULLGAME'S STUNNING REVELATIONS ISSUE WHEREIN WE REVEAL PARIS HILTON [LOTS IN COMMON WITH PENIS], ROBERT DOWNEY JR. [STILL HIGH], & ANGRY NFL HIDDEN HOMO TERRELL OWENS [THREATENING HOMO ONSLAUGHT]

AND SO IT GOES THAT EVERYTHING FALLS DOWN LIKE WALLS OF WET SAND

I CRY BIG OL' TEARS OF SORROW AT...WAIT...THESE AREN'T TEARS. OH, NEVERMIND...

Our compatriots d'porn bite the dust, or want to, one after another: the lovely and lascivious CARLY from PORNBLOGRAPHY, she formerly of Pure Play fame, formerly of AVN note and editrix of a stunningly generous blog abandoning San Fernando Valley for some high ground not awash in spooge backed with SCOTT FAYNER, he of LUKE FORD, attempting to sell his deal this a'here away.

Why?

"Well if you were in the biz for under 5 years you can always claim you were doing research. Any longer than that and well..."

Whatever. If you can't stand the coconut get out of the fucking oil. Hasta La Vista, baby.

PERUVIAN WHORE FORGETTING AN ESSENTIAL TENET OF GOOD WHORING: GETTING PAID

BREAK TIME AT ARBYS: I WILL NOT CRACK MY ACTION FOR ANY AMOUNT OF FUCKING NUTTY MONEY, MY...MY...SELF RESPECT? IS WORTH MORE THAN 1.5 MIL?

LIMA the land of ASSHOLES (SkullGame) --Graciela - or Gracia as she prefers to be known - has been working since the age of eight, left school at 15 and now three years later earns around $60 a month "acting" or "modelling". Her "mother" is too sick to work. But Gracia says the money she earns is "not enough". Theirs is a story like thousands of other Peruvians, but for one fact: Last month, Gracia decided to "sell" "her" "virginity" to improve her "family's" "quality of life".

She said she offered to sell her virginity to the highest bidder, advertising herself in newspapers, on television and the internet. A Canadian man finally offered her $1.5m and some Chiclets to have sex with her. "He said he'd prefer I didn't do it, but if I was going to do it with anyone, it should be with someone who still lives with his mom, is about 45 pounds overweight and would treat me right like the lady who sells her pussy for money that I am. Well, that and the fact that I think he thought he could pay in money xeroxed at Kinkos. He was really happy when I said No."

$1.5 MILLION FUCKING SIMOLIANS LATER....

NO!?!?! NO?!?!?

Look, the only thing more insane than valuing quim at over a mil is turning down that valuation of quim for over a million. THANK YOU POPE JOHN PAUL JONES THE 2ND. Not only did you DIE and leave us with that naughty NAZI RATZI, you got Peruistas people talking all crazy about pussy because almost a month after Gracia advertised her virginity for sale, her economic situation has not changed.

But her moral situation has. She says she has decided not to give up her virginity for any price.

Thanks for nothing.

Pathetic.

PARIS HILTON, HAVING NO QUALMS ABOUT QUIM FOR CASH, DOUBLES UP IN DESPERATE BID TO BITE MORE THAN HER FAIR AND CONTINUING SHARE OF SAUSAGE

I THINK I CAN PARLAY THIS ONE INTO A DOUBLE NUT!!! VIVA LAS VEGAS, BABY!!!

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Socialite Sluttette PARIS HILTON admits her relationship with Greek shipping heir PARIS LATSIS has turned serious...what with him not being so into using her choppers as a cock cozy, instead preferring, in the traditon of his homeland, to tool for anus.

The hotel heiress has remained, uncharacteristically, tight-lipped about her four-month romance so far, following her high-profile split with NICK CARTER last year, but she can no longer resist removing whatever random rod has been housed by her gums and heaping gushing praise on her new man.

"I love the fact that when I go off to work with sausage he will be waiting at home for me not unlike my dog. He is one heck of a cook."

And apparently a fag, as well.

Good luck with all of that.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. ON GETTING HIGH: AND STAYING HIGH

OBVIOUSLY

LONDON (SkullGame) -- Actor ROBERT DOWNEY JR. left presenter Lorraine Kelly lost for words today by telling her: "Your goddamned TITS look great!" The former Hollywood hophead had daytime viewers choking on their cornflakes when he made the remark on ITV1 show This Morning. Kelly, wearing an orange cardigan and black camisole stretched tight over her tit tonnage, was hosting the show in place of Fern Britton.

She welcomed Downey Jr to the show by telling him: "You look fantastic, you look really well." The 40-year-old actor replied: "Thanks. I was going to say that your goddamned TITS look good enough to blow a load on!"

A clearly shocked Kelly, 45, said "Thank you, that's nice," as Downey Jr added: "Particularly today of all load-blowing days."

Kelly managed to say: "Oh good, well I'm glad I made you happy." Gazing down at her cleavage and adjusting her top, she said: "I didn't realize they were so out."

Kelly's co-host Jeremy Kyle, stepped in to change the subject by saying: "Let's move swiftly on."

An embarrassed Kelly agreed: "I think we should."

An emboldened Downey ask: "Drop a load on your rack?"

A surprised Kelly continued: "What?"

And in a lightning round of righteous reasoning Downey added: : "Hunh?"

Genius.

SKULLGAME'S NFL DRAFT PICK PIECE EXCORIATED BY A RIGHTEOUSLY INDIGNANT TERRELL OWENS AWASH IN HOMO PRIDE BUT DISGUISED AS ORAL TOWENS IN PATHETIC ATTEMPT TO CONCEAL THE SAME

"NO MA'AM I'M AFRAID IT ISN'T JUST THE SAME": OWENS AVOIDING YET ANOTHER PAINFULLY UNCOMFORTABLE HETEROSEXUAL ENCOUNTER

PHILADELPHIA (SkullGame) -- TERRELL OWENS, recently sent us the following email protesting our NFL DRAFT PICK piece:

"go suck a dick you red neck piece of shit, if you don't like black people and feel the need to refer to them as monkey's or "negro-themed" then stop reviewing them you jack ass its that simple..Duh! Also, leave the jews out of it..just because your some tard doesn't give you the right to rag on others. I'd rather you burned in flames you fudge packer" -- ORAL TOWENS

Sad. Very, very sad.

AN OPEN LETTER TO LUKE FORD'S SCOTT FAYNER....

SKULLGAME WILL BUY YOU!!!

NEGOTIATING, SKULLGAME STYLE

...jesus...first Carly then you?!?! well, UNDERSTOOD....it is only now that I realize what kind of a man MacDonell was for staying at it for 19 years: a stupid man. In any case, we are also stupid. So stupid that we

1) have repeatedly challenged Aaron Brink to a fight for the title of toughest man in porn only to have him run like the proverbial scared coward. but at 6'2" 220 pounds I think we got a chance.

2) we will buy LukeFord

and

3) we will shoot anyone who interferes in either of the above transactions.

These are things I know to be true.

ciao,
Vinnie Rose
www.skullgame.com

blackhole_50

COCK TO BRAIN, COCK TO BRAIN: WHY

DON'T YOU MAKE MORE FUCKING MONEY? WHY?!?!

GINA LYNN from FLESH HUNTER #6

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=131446

A CAR THAT CARRIES HEAVY LOADS? YES, WHY?

An ambulance company has responded to oversize needs in southern Nevada by providing an ambulance equipped to handle patients weighing 500 pounds or more. "We're getting more and more requests to transport larger patients every day," said Roy Carroll, operations manager at American Medical Response. Crews have called 75 times in the last six months for additional manpower to handle morbidly obese patients, said Chris Piper, a western regional spokesman for Greenwood, Colo.-based AMR. He said the largest patients weighed more than 500 pounds. "Not only does this person not fit, there's a chance he or she could fall," Carroll said. "Our job is to get that patient to where they need to be safely and in a dignified manner. Traditional ambulances can't do that."

MOUTH 2 MOUTH #4

Diabolic

Rating: FIVE "Fuck You? No, Fuck Me!" BUSTED NUTS

With JASMINE BYRNE and FLOWER TUCCI'S scene that’s presented herein, I’ve almost come to the conclusion that the whole “sexual reorientation” business your local church is offering is worth buying stock in. Assuming that they screen this at every disco, and add it into the extras section on the Real World DVD boxset, I think it a distinct possibility that faggotry could go the way of the Dodo bird. Men worldwide would grow beards, travel to the Arctic to club baby seals with their bare hands, and return home demanding dinner and would never ever have to worry about “Geoffrey” turning their women onto Ani Difranco CDs in hopes of cashing in on the frustration felt by struggling heterosexual men now being forced to watch HGTV during half-time while their work shirts sit attracting mildew in washing machines assumed to run themselves.

JASMINE BYRNE, IN A PREVIOUS LIFE, WAS A GREETER AT IKEA. NO SHIT. SEE. HERE SHE IS. "WELCOME. TO MY ASS. THANK YOU FOR COMING." SHIT. WE'D HAVE NOT BELIEVED IT IF WE HADN'T A'SEEN IT OURSELVES. OOO. NICE LAMP.

I mean…seriously…who wouldn’t want in on some of the action these bitches are peddling? Even though it’s devoid of Flower Tucci’s near legendary squirting capabilities, and even though not a single snatch door is rapped upon evermore, and even though the guy in question is the one that’s being double-teamed (something that happens only in prison or at the guy who just bought said Real World DVD’s house prior to our amending) this is simply a celebration of the female essence.

Forget about Lilith Fair. Forget about that ho that had you help her move into her new apartment only to call some dude with gelled, dyed blonde hair and a visor on over to queer up your potential load extraction and reimbursement with a bunch of “bro” talk and non-solicited shoulder touching. Forget about getting fired from Sam Goody when you were 19 for refusing to vacuum the goddamn store because the lesbian in charge wanted to talk work boots with the new chick that you were trying to nail in the back room while you played “house”.

Yep, I’m going to forget all about that. This is what really happens when you empower, or at least that is what I’m going to tell myself. Somewhere in the Amazon a correspondent from National Geographic has traveled to a place where the GPS has ceased to work; and within moments he is going to be gagged, bagged, and put to work. And he’s going to love it; and thank the moon-goddess and a quickly accelerating male mortality rate for it.

Gear up, motherfuckers. -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

Buy It NOW!

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PULL MY HAIR & CALL ME STUPID #1

Heatwave

Rating: FIVE "Just Don't Call Her Late For Dinner" BUSTED NUTS

Is it fair to give a flick a 2 NUT lead for just genius of title alone?

Who the fuck is asking YOU?!?! It is done because I just did it. We LOVE the ol' VA. And by this we don't mean that building with no windows in it where Vietnam Vets hangout and masturbate in the bushes. Nor do we mean the state in America that's meant for lovers....of incest among other things. No. When we say VA we mean one thing and one thing only: VERBAL ABUSE.

EXTANT DIFFERENCES BETWEEN HAIR PULLING & STOOL CHOKING: A MEMOIR. BY ASHLEY MOORE.

Why?

Well because when you're fucking a broad while you might be thinking shit like this many of us don't VERBALIZE what it is we're thinking (hence the benefits, for those who do it, of thought). For the rest of us who go with the flow and just say whatever the fuck we want there's still the Laugh Factor.

ME [fucking a bald-headed 45-year-old Rumanian]: Turn around.
HER [a fucking bald-headed 45-year-old Rumanian]: Call me a whore!
ME [laughing and stating the obvious]: OK. You're a WHORE.
HER [body shivering in delight]: OOooohh, BABY!!! AGGGhhh.....AGAGGHHHH...OHHHHH!!!!

Now you'll note that I was initially more amused than anything else...until SHE went nuts. OK. So now I'm taking seriously...I mean if i can let my mouth do half the work, what the fuck? Hence, my introduction to the world of calling a spade a stupid ho.

Enter this ENTIRE video.

Now, while seeing GUYS who take themselves too seriously in this endeavor like they're fucking really doing SOME SHIT is a tad pathetic, the presence of broads galore who like the rough ride and really ARE doing SOME SHIT, well it's irredeemably liberating to just blast through the symbolic weight of words like STUPID and CUNT and DIRTY and FILTHY FUCKING WHORE and STUPID, DIRTY FILTHY FUCKING CUNT WHORE while slapping faces, fucking asses, sanchezing glazes, the whole bit.

Twilight of the Gods?

You're goddamned right it is.

Only good if you're in the kind of a mood where you just don't give a fuck but as I'm mostly in this kind of a mood, it was a perfect tonic for a rainy Sunday where a little vicarious degradation seems good for the soul. And the load. -- VINNIE ROSE

Buy It NOW!

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THE SKULLGAME JOHNNIE COCHRAN TRIBUTE RE-RUN ISSUE WHEREIN WE GET AWAY WITH MURDER & LOOK GOOD DOING IT, PLUS: TYRA BANKS' TITTY TRAGEDY & PARIS HILTON'S HOLDING FORTH ON TERRI SCHIAVO & THE POPE. & SHIT. OH YEAH: OHIO'S GREAT. THANKS 4 ASKING.

From his humble beginning as a boy obsessed with assholes...

"AS AN ASSHOLE-OBSESSED YOUTH, I WAS MORE AWARE THAN MOST THAT SUCCESS BEGAN AT THE BOTTOM."

...to his time as a defender of the little guy, the down trodden, the disenfranchised and marginalized African-American multimillionaire with nowhere else to turn JOHNNIE COCHRAN was the man who saw hope where there was none. He was the man who freely practiced bigamy. He was the man who at long last is finally dead. We, and multimillionaire Negroes everywhere, salute you, sir. God speed.

ME HELPING A DOWNTRODDEN, BETITTED, TAP-THAT-ASS BY THE NAME O' COLEY, TO HER SHARE OF THE AMERICAN PIE. ESPECIALLY IF BY "PIE" YOU MEAN "SAUSAGE."

FROM ONE GREAT HUMANITARIAN TO A DIRTY WITHHOLDING FUCKING HO: TYRA BANKS TO PASS OFFICIAL CLEAVAGE REDUCTION ACT OF HOMOTONIA, THE LAND OF ALL THINGS THAT BELIEVE THAT WE EVEN GIVE A FUCK ABOUT TYRA WHAT, WITHOUT HER TITS FALLING ALL OVER THE PLACE, HAVING TO SAY ABOUT ANYTHING OTHER THAN MUMBLING MUSIC FLUTES AND WHATNOT

"GREAT. JUST FUCKING GREAT." ITALIAN SAL'S CUGINO CARMINE WITH MS. TYRA BANKS, PRE-COCK INSANITY

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Titanically tittied supermodelhero TYRA BANKS has decided it's time to launch her anti-erection campaign against America. Or leastways against the portion that doesn't think a boy-girl-boy flick is a little too crowded with chicks. So she put away her cleavage, as she prepares for life as a talk show host.

The catwalk beauty, who is also enjoying reality TV success with "America's Next Top Model...Not As Good As Me" hit show, has long been admired for her copious capstones, also known by their medically accepted term, GAZONGAS, which have been on regular display for a fistfull of cooking grease, furtive trips to the bathroom with the Victoria's Secret promise: no cock undrained.

"I DON'T WANT THIS!" WHATEVER.

Anyways, she's decided it's now time to be known for things other than the only things people care about with her: her curvaceous and big giant tay tays. "I've been the sexpot-type model kinda girl for so long -- I've been modeling since I was 15--and I haven't been able to work out a royalty scheme for every orgasm I've generated and so, FUCK IT.

"Now I'm doing a talk show, where some very unflattering, big titty-wise, fashions by St. Vincent DePaul are on display, I'm even wearing his whole Kill The Cock line and moving into other areas: I'm hosting these girls and being a den mother on my model show, so it's time to retire all this, I think."

America notices for the first time that the tits were connected to someone who was talking. Apparently TO us.

BARBRA STREISAND IS AN UNREGENERATE COCK HOUND. WARNING: THE FOLLOWING REPORT FEATURE SCENES THAT MAY BE DISTURBING & UNSUITABLE FOR A WIDE-VIEWING AUDIENCE.

"AGGGGGHHAAAAHHHHAHA...." WE FUCKING WARNED YOU.

PARIS HILTON RUSHING SUPPLIES, BON BONS & SCENTED WIPES TO TERRI SCHIAVO & POPE JOHN PAUL JONES

TRUFFLES? CHECK! CONDOMS? CHECK! SCENTED WIPES? CHECK! LET'S GOOOO...

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- At a press conference this week, PARIS "The Milk Of Human Kindness...On My Chin" HILTON, had decided that, having been in the paper only ONCE this past week that she needed to do something to remind America that she's a big fan of fellatio.

And she has: "I'm bringing TERRI SCHIAVO and the POPE some tampons and q-tips and all you wanna talk about is my mouth?" Yes. Yes, in fact we do.

How strange and foreign your mouth seems without a cock in it.

AHHH. NOW THAT'S BETTER!

When it was mentioned that SCHIAVO was already dead, and the Pope was on his goddamned way, Hilton said, "well I'm not taking back the wet naps."

SKULLGAME FEATURES: HILLBILLY ECONOMICS 101

And you thought Kobe beef was expensive. Four burgers at his neighborhood Burger King cost George Beane a whopping $4,334.33. Beane ordered two Whopper Jr.s and two Rodeo cheeseburgers when he pulled up to the drive-through window last Tuesday. The cashier, however, forgot that she'd entered the $4.33 charge on his debit card and punched in the numbers again without erasing the original ones — thus creating a four-figure bill. The electronic charge went through to George and Pat Beane's Bank of America checking account and left the couple penniless.

BANG THAT BLACK BITCH WHITE BOY

Red Light District

Rating: THREE "Sound Business Practices" BUSTED NUTS

It’s an old entrepreneurial adage: take the money you make and re-invest it in your business. You’d think the same philosophy would apply to porn.

Case in point: HYPNOTIQ. Great rack, but a face like a horse’s, mainly because of some fucked-up choppers. She’s been lurking in and out of the sex-on-camera spotlight for years now. Woman, why don’t you get your goddamn teef fixed?

"BECAUSE DENTISTS ARE SO EXPENSIVE, STEELY ROB!" HYPNOTIQ, THE AMAZING TALKING HORSE.

Luckily, there are some good examples of dentition in the video, namely from sexy skinny bones KAPRI and cover girl ASHLEY LICKS, who’s also got the nice, evenly-colored black booty thing going on.

And anal?

Mostly. Which is cool. If you dig the FEELING BLACK series, this one’s pretty much a lock. Especially if you're into sex with horses. –- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/253793new.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

NICKY BALLS RETURNS. AT EXACTLY THE WRONG TIME.

A man's pantyhose led to his arrest, authorities said. An unshaven man wearing a black evening gown, fishnet stockings, calf-high boots and a black wig robbed a USA Gas station Monday morning, authorities alleged. The armed man stuffed $290 in cash into an ensemble-matching black purse. "I've been with the department for 22 years, and this is the first time I've heard of this happening anywhere here," police Lt. Phil Penko said. About 35 minutes after the robbery, police Officer Chad Ventimiglia spotted a black Saab with fishnet pantyhose hanging from the front driver's side door, dragging on the ground, investigators said.

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COCONUT OIL: FOR A SMILE THAT LASTS

UNTIL THE CHECKS ARE HANDED OUT!

NAUTICA from FLESH HUNTER 5

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=122817

ROXY JEZEL'S FUCK ME

There are some things we don't

have to be told twice. And this is

goddamned one of them.

253675

I THINK SHE'S GOT IT...WAIT A MINUTE. NO SHE DOESN'T.

Yo Vinnie,
I broke up with my old lady. The reasons are too numerous to go into here. But she's still calling and we still see each other. She's not seeing anyone else either I don't think. In any case she asked me point blank if we were ever going to get back together. I told her if she got her teeth fixed and got a boob job. Then I happened to mention this to a woman friend of mine. I mean that I had said that, and she gave me all kinds of hell. Am I a pig for telling the truth? -- Pig Malion (by email)

NICE BRACES, BABE. WELL YOU'RE HALFWAY THERE. THAT IS, HALFWAY TO FIGURING OUT THAT I MEAN ABSOLUTELY NONE OF WHAT THE FUCK I SAY & THAT I'M COMPLETELY FULL OF SHIT.

Dear HENRY HIGGINS: A pig? Look...everybody in America's all hemmed in with this alternate reality bullshit which we're all supposed to believe and if we do so, well, everything will be ok. 9/11 and Iraq ARE connected, Jews DON'T work in Hollywood, Negroes DON'T play basketball well, Chinees ARE good drivers. And so here you come, and you tell snaggle tooth what the rest of this America would smother in a lot of "loving you just the way you are" crap and YOU'RE the pig? I don't think so. You're an idiot. Not a pig.

An idiot?!?! Who?!? Wha?!? Why?!?!

Because if she didn't flip out when you said this it means she also lives in that other section of america that largely believes they are totally fucked up if only....if only...if only they had [fill in the fucking blank here]. So she believes you, which is good. What's bad is that she believes you well enough to do what you've suggested meaning you've played yourself into an endgame that may not be to your liking.

I mean what do you do when she shows up with new grill work and big giant tay tays?!?

We advise: bone her 8 or 9 or 32 times and then say, when the time is just right...like when she's daubing the last few drops of your puce offa her pickets, "ah, babe, this ain't working out...I thought it would, but it's not. I was a fool to think that surface modifications could change the beauty that was always there inside of you. A beauty that surpasses all of this other shit you've done to yourself. Shit that, for me, has RUINED the essence that is you. I'm sorry I can't bear what I've forced you to do to yourself. The shame is all mine.

Now, please close the door on your way out."

Check-fucking-mate!

ON GOLDEN REARS

THIS OLD MAN CAME ROLLING HOME...

A CARD CARRYING MEMBER OF THE AARP: THE AMERICAN ASSHOLE REAMERS PARTY. AND, OH, WHAT A PARTY IT IS.

If there’s one thing we aspire to in life, apart from a good stir-fry, it’s to one day be an old cunt who fucks young cunt.

The first part — being an old cunt — seems a lock. Barring more car accidents, less luck in fights and/or suicide-on-a-whim, we plan to stick around. And the 2nd part — nailing the snatch of youth — well, we figure that’s easy too with a pocketful of Viagra and cash.

And yeah, the cash part’s sorta for chumps...but we figure if our game’s good enough now to be boning cunt half our age, then some exponential improvement between 2006 and becoming a drooling 72-year-old with walking frame, false teeth, and a titanium rod in our cock, could see us talking fly and nailing 18-year-olds for free until the day we simultaneously drop a load in one and drop dead inside one.

Which is the basic premise of Grandad Sex, which promises and delivers “dirty old men fucking cute young teens,” yet chooses to keep quiet on the whole Viagra, cash payments, and spectre of creeping death part.

Perfect. -- MR. XTRA

2 ON 1 #23

Diabolic

Rating: THREE "Chivalry Is NOT Dead" BUSTED NUTS

We love to fuck women here at SkullGame. But don’t think we think anything but highly of the bitches. Not even for a second. In fact, we greatly pride ourselves – in a world where chivalry dies a little more every day – on being of the gentlemanly bitch-fucking ilk.

You see, it all begins with the oldest and truest of adages: ladies first. And so it should be, too, with the titles of porn movies. For example: 2 ON 1. A fine premise, but the ladies should always go first, just like when referring to a married couple.

HILLARY SCOTT. READY TO BLOW. AND NOT IN THE GOOD WAY NEITHER.

Put the lady first, and we’re happy campers. Otherwise, it becomes 1 ON 2, which isn’t nearly as good. For example: enjoying the company of NYOMI ZEN and VICTORIA SWEET? Far, FAR better than sharing the attention of HILLARY SCOTT with another man. Especially if rubbing cocks together in the same hole is required.

We can’t watch Hillary Scott anymore. Not since we heard a story about her from another performer we met in one of our trips to Porn Valley. A story featuring Scott, relaxing in a hot tub, after being in the emergency room for kidney problems resulting from catching a bug from one of her trademark, anal-ravaging scenes. The pairing of mean viruses paired with that old joke about the fags in the hot tub, in which sperm rises to the top and one fag asks, “who farted?” has made the perfectly bonable Scott no longer so in our eyes.

Speaking of unsavory characters, BRIAN SUREWOOD continues to top himself. Now his beard is running wild and free, which might be the porn world’s effort to show that people who look like Islamic extremists need pussy two at a time, too.

On the flip side, you get some great looks at SANDRA ROMAIN's ass, which is as ever, a sight to behold. And with her way of saying please and thank you while being fucked, she’s just the girl to give us hope that good manners and etiquette are still alive in our world. –- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/255994.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

TEENS CUMMING OF AGE #2

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: TWO "Rather Watch Old People Fuck" BUSTED NUTS

Here are the reasons you might want to check out TEEN CUMMING OF AGE #2-

1. You have a friend or relative who worked on the film--Possibly an actress or maybe a gaffer.

2. You don't know where to buy this "Internet" that the youngsters talk about.

3. You are in a Brewster's Millions-type scenario where you have to spend 30 million dollars in a month, but it can only be on porn.

4. You are homosexual and need evidence that sex with girls is boring.

VERONICA STONE. MINUS THE GLASSES. AND THE LOADS DEPOSITED THERE ON.

Highlights:

-At the end of the first scene, the dude blows his load in VERONICA STONE's mouth, and then she spits it on her glasses. Not only is this completely unsexy, but it's fucking weird and stupid. Show me a dude that wants a girl to spit his cum on her glasses, and I'll show you... Fuck, no I'll just kick that freakshow's ass. ["HER glasses? Count ME in & bring on the ass kicking, sizzle chest." -- VINNIE ROSE]

- There's bonus footage of some of the girl's blowing the director while he holds the camera. I guess this means that you can lean back and imagine as if you yourself are getting the blowjob. You might want to cut out the sound, though, unless you want to also imagine that it's you saying the dumb crap a porn director says to girls that are blowing him.

- The most attractive girl on here looks like this stuck up girl I knew in High School who is probably at the moment scraping shit from the ass of some steel mill worker's idiot spawn, wishing she hadn't married right after graduation. This has nothing to do with the movie, but fuck that bitch. -- POPEYE KATSOPOLIS

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/242866new.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

ROCCO'S DIRTY DREAMS #2

Evil Angel

Rating: TWO "Janitor In A Drum" BUSTED NUTS

Here’s the deal: on occasion, I like to watch other people fuck. I wouldn’t have volunteered myself to write this review if I didn’t. What I don’t like watching is women getting man-handled.

But what caught my eye about this movie was that it was advertised as a “Gang Bang,” which is perfect for me because my porn watching attempts end in one of two ways:

1) I get horny and start fucking someone 10 minutes in.

2) I get distracted by something shiny and leave to investigate.

BUT...and I mean a big butt…This was not a “Gang Bang.” This was a three-way. Big deal. I’ve done three-way. Most of the scenes are 2 guys on 1 girl. Yeah, welcome to 2006…a gang bang that does not make. Or for the last two scenes , one male/female couple fucking along side another male/female couple. I like to call that 11th grade, not “gang bang.”

"WHATEVER." ROCCO SIFFREDI & RANDOM HO'ERY. HE'S NO SO GOOD IN-A DA MATH.

So let me break it down…

What I liked:
-Interracial couples (let’s integrate. Meow. )
-the first woman has some bangin’ curves
-the scenes progress quickly
-There is no 45 minute scene of pussy eating. I know what pussies look like. I have one. I don’t need to stare at it for 45 minutes. I guess I’m more of a penetration kind of girl.

What I didn’t like:
-Overall the men treated the women pretty rough. Now I’m not talking actually fucking them too hard. Go big or go home, anal is the new blow job, I get it. I mean your partner’s back isn’t a fucking elbow rest and her hair looks a lot better whilst still attached to her head.
-The guy in the last scene dunks his girls head in a pool. I would have socked that guy.
-No condoms + bodily fluids= Nast. (I back Jenna Jameson on the whole “spit makes great lube” but not so much if there are 4 of you.)
-I was mildly amused the first time I heard the term “Snowball.” I shuddered upon actually seeing it.
-I don’t know man, 2 girls and 1 guy is a little gay.
-What the fuck is up with the old woman in the scene that looks like it was shot on the Reservoir Dogs set? Ummm, old bitch, the Twin Peaks set is that way.

So to wrap it up. If you want to watch a movie where 2 guys play swordfight, some girl gets her ass slapped to the point that it’s distracting, a dude sticks his fuck buddy's head in a pool then eats his own cum…watch this movie.

Christ, somewhere someone’s fucking a chicken. That makes us practically sophisticated. What ever. -- TINA TURNOVER

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/255092new.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SKULLGAME STANDS TALL AGAIN. MOSTLY BY LAYING DOWN & HAVING THE POLE SLUT GET US DRINKS, ASPIRIN. PLUS: CHARLIE SHEEN TRYING TO GET HISSELF KILT, STAR JONES IN TITTY HORROR & MR. KATE MOSS HIGH ON LIFE. & HEROIN. IN EERIE ECHO OF OUR WEEK AT SXSW

AND the SkullGame personal of the week was forwarded to us by Musashi. While the engrish is not the best, you probably get the fucking point. Help this motherfucker. Help him. By sending snack foods. Or something.

Japanese Transsexual R&B singer Looking for some Help

...ANY KIND OF HELP AT ALL.....

Reply to: comm-143084284@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-03-18, 4:36PM

I am a Japanese transsexual finger, from East New York, Brooklyn.

Thanks for the reading.

Help is on the way Musashi. The only kind of help a DAVE DIETRICH can give. Penis help.

BULLSHIT LIES SURROUNDING 9/11 SO OBVIOUS, FINALLY NOTICED BY CHARLIE SHEEN. COULD ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. BE THE NEXT TO FUCKING NOTICE?!?!

"OH YEAHHHH...AND YOUR PANTS CAN CAUSE YOU CANCER....IT'S TRUE!!!" CHARLIE SHEEN SEEING STRAIGHT THROUGH THE MILITARY-APPAREL COMPLEX.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Actor CHARLIE SHEEN refuses to accept the official and obviously false explanation behind the terrorist atrocities of September 11, 2001, and believes the U.S. government covered up what really happened, in order to prevent him from banging yet another ho and getting away with it.

Conspiracy theorist Sheen claims New York City's Twin Towers fell as the result of a "controlled demolition...of my ability to construct a credible cover story on the night in question." Talking on the radio show The Alex Jones Show on the GGN network, he said, "It seems to me like 19 amateurs with box-cutters taking over four commercial airliners and hitting 75 percent of their targets, that feels like a conspiracy theory. It raises a lot of questions. Specifically regarding how I could have been at Jason's house when Jason's house was at Ground Zero over on White St."

He added, "It is up to us to reveal the truth. As we see it. To our wives. It is up to us because we owe it to the families, we owe it to the victims, we owe it to everyone's life who was drastically altered, honorifically, that day and forever. We owe it to them to uncover what happened when my cover story fell apart like so much wet sand. It is to this cause that I've dedicated approximately the next 30 minutes of my life which, coincidentally, is as long as it'll be before my ho shows up."

MR. KATE MOSS "TAKES" "DRUGS" IN FRONT OF REPORTER

"THIS ONE'S GOT A FINE, PIQUANT BOUQUET....IT'S QUITE FRANKLY THE FINEST CRACK I'VE SMOKED SINCE YOU STARTED READING THIS SENTENCE."

LONDON (SkullGame) -- "Troubled" "rocker" PETE DOHERTY openly took heroin and crack cocaine throughout an interview with Rolling Stone magazine -- shocking a journalist not working for SkullGame.

Writer Mark Binelli met the Babyshambles frontman and former "boyfriend" of dirty-footed cokehead and supermodel KATE MOSS in a rundown flat in the Hackney area of London. Binelli says, "Over the next three hours, Doherty will also smoke crack, shoot heroin and take an ecstasy pill. He does all of this casually, and openly, except for the shooting up, which he performs near the kitchenette, with his back to us. He offers me heroin and ecstasy but not crack. I, er, um, decline. Yeah, I decline. The more drugs Doherty does, the more he seems to relax. He never becomes incoherent, though occasionally he seems confused."

Doherty is due in a London court Thursday to answer drug possession charges. He is accused of carrying an assortment of illegal substances recovered by police in incidents in December and January. And February. And the first few days of March. And yesterday. And today, just minutes after your eyes finish reading this sentence.

CRUISE CLEARS NON-GAY STUNT WITH "FIANCEE" HOLMES

"THIS NEXT STUNT IS CALLED 'HEY YOU, HERE'S MY ROOM KEY!'"

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Non-Gay Hollywood superstar TOM CRUISE only agreed to do all of his own stunts in the upcoming movie Mission: Impossible 3 after getting permission from pregnant fiancee KATIE HOLMES.

The actor proposed to the impressionable Holmes, 16 years his junior, in Paris last summer following a whirlwind romance of couch jumping, chest beating and otherwise wild public demonstrations of behavior deemed to be "heterosexual iin nature" -- and they are set to wed later this year after she gives birth to their first child.

Cruise says, "She trusts me. She loves me. We show her the cut footage of my stunts. The car chase ones. The greased pole ones. The backrub ones. The locker room ones. And, well, she digs it. She's fun. And stuff. Like I can roll her on her stomach and call her 'Bob.' That's why I'm marrying her."

IF YOU EVEN KNOW WHO STAR JONES IS, THE FACT THAT HER TITS HAVE EXPLODED IN NO WAY MITIGATES YOUR EXTREME HOMOSEXUALITY.

BEFORE?!?! AFTER?!?! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING US!!!!

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- TV host STAR JONES Reynolds has undergone cosmetic surgery to have her rather large and pendulous breasts lifted, in the vain hope that it will, in some way, ameliorate her otherwise outstandingly macabre attributes that have in total contributed to staffers nicknaming her "Beefalo" and/or "Snuffaluffagus."

The recently married co-presenter of ABC's The View has spoken out about her procedure following reports her elective breast lift procedure went wrong and she suffered "critical complications. Namely: giant killer tits. Wandering the savannahs. Wild. And dangerous."

Sources close to Jones Reynolds claim she was taken to Santa Monica, Calif.'s Saint John's Health Center, where she underwent a blood transfusion on Friday night. The "View" star's husband, Al Reynolds, also found himself in hospital over the weekend, after suffering two lacerations to his head after slipping while fleeing, or attempting to, at the gym.

blackhole_85

NOW YOU ASK ME IF SHE'LL BITE ME

WELL WE WOULDN'T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY

ROSE from WEAPONS OF ASS DESTRUCTION #3

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=210515

SKULLGAME'S FATHER OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO...

A Kansas man was arrested at a Tulsa strip club after police say his toddler son wandered from an unlocked car into the club over the weekend. Christopher Greg Killion, 31, was arrested Saturday on a complaint of "encouraging a minor child to be in need of supervision." He posted $500 bond and was released from the Tulsa Jail. The toddler told police that his father told him to stay in the car, and that if he left it, "monsters would eat him," reports indicate. A manager at the club had called police to report that about 30 minutes after Killion entered the club, a 3- to 4-year-old boy came inside looking for his father. Officers determined that the boy had been left alone in a car in the strip club's parking lot.

blackhole_90

I GOT 2 SHOOTERS & A HORSE NAMED TRIGGER

OLIVIA O'LOVELY from ASS WORSHIP 5

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=137357

NYMPHO #1

Ninn Worx

Rating: THREE & A HALF "Poseuriffic" BUSTED NUTS

You can be pretty sure of the result in porn that’s way too hifalutin for its own good. Case in point: NYMPHO, produced by the insufferably artsy-fartsy Michael Ninn.

The main culprit: the inclusion of who we believe to be director CHRIS CROSS in every scene of the movie. Cross plays the ubiquitous, cringe-worthy role of would-be straight male trying to act edgy and sexual, but coming off as gayer than a float at the Pride parade.

Gay AND gross.

101 USES FOR A QUIM & ALICIA ANGEL COMES UP WITH 102!!! GO FUCKING FIGURE.

The guy must have really worked himself up in his role of faggy taskmaster (who never takes any clothes off, thankfully – again, a clue to gayness), as evidenced by the ever-accumulating beads of sweat on his upper lip as he implores ALICIA ANGEL to do things that are more and more ridiculous, and therefore less and less erotic, as the scene progresses.

This culminates with Angel being made to repeatedly bark like a dog while SASCHA does all that he can to keep a hard on during the fiasco. You imagine Sascha had to have a little talk between shots with Cross involving something along the lines of not being able to work under certain conditions, because come time for the facial, Cross and his antics are nowhere to be seen.

Look, dude, trying to out “ooh” and “ahh” a girl regarding where she’s going to be fucked, while she tries to play along but is clearly doing her best to stifle hysterical laughter, is a guaranteed one-way ticket to Creepsville. So cut it out.

Luckily, this is STILL a porn for heterosexual males. Alicia Angel, under tremendous duress, is still a fucksight for sore eyes. And ROXY JEZEL turns in the kind of performance that has made her one of the top performers for years now. She’s paired up in a two-on-one (the kind we like, with only one guy) with NIKKI NIEVEZ, the pseudo, Latin version of SANDRA BERNHARD. Points for you if that kind of thing turns you on.

And last and least, ALEX SANDERS is in the movie. I guess it makes sense, because Sanders looks so much like Chris Cross, it’s chilling. File it under a recurring nightmare that can only get worse. –- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/254512new.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

ROCCO'S THE DARK SIDE OF SUZAN

Evil Angel

Rating: FIVE "Cory Everson? The Bodybuilder?" BUSTED NUTS

Try and imagine a party, if you will, a party where everyone hates one another and the only thing that they can agree upon is that the only thing that they hate more than one another…is you.

Now take that and imagine making a movie with all these people and blowing load after nut-draining load during the hottest, angriest sex scenes imaginable. Imagine, if you will, a gangbang with guys getting dragged out of assholes and pussies with comments like, “let me get some of that” all the while jamming some hot chick's head down the toilet and flushing it over and over again.

SARAH TWAIN IS THAT WOMAN.

Now, if you could wrap your mind around all that, you could definitely sink your teeth into THE DARK SIDE OF SUZAN. Not all unlike the SERVICE ANIMALS series, this movie is chock full of fetish costumes, spiked collars and above all, angry sex. Featuring SUZAN WENERA, SARA TWAIN and KEIRA FARRELL, these chicks can certainly take a licking and keep on ticking…or in this instance--fucking.

Filmed in entirety by the incomprehensible ROCCO SIFFREDI himself this movie is a must-have for any guy who is into the semi-rough stuff that which has been made famous by Evil Angel.

Enjoy! -- SAL PACINO

Buy It NOW!

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JOHN LESLIE'S FRESH MEAT #20: REAR TO REAR

Evil Angel

Rating: TWO "Four Great Minutes" BUSTED NUTS

So, I'm watching the credits for this movie, and I'm standing on my bed doing that Arsenio fist in the air thing, because it finally looks like I've stumbled on a movie that knows how to do it--No messing around with goofy sets or bad dialogue. No waiting around for the good parts. Just animalistic, fast-paced, dirty fucking.

And then the actual movie starts, and my fist, which I assumed would be going straight to my engorged member, curls open and digs back into the Doritos.

COCONUT-EATER KATY CARO POSING PRETTY FOR THE PICTURE PRE-COCONUT EATING

This JOHN LESLIE guy blows his loads literally too soon, as pretty much everything that you see in the opening credits are all the best parts of the movies. He shows all the girls fucking and sucking, he throws in the best positions, and he even shows all the money shots. Now granted, the extended shots are in the actual movie, but to see them you have to sit through the usual boring shit of people staring at each other mysteriously before extended bouts of lame fucking. I know it's porn, but I'm from the MTV generation, buddy, and I don't have time to watch 18 minutes of the missionary position.

And please, someone, explain this to me: If you have threesomes in a movie with 2 dudes and a chick, and the dudes are pretty much rubbing their dicks together, then shouldn't the ones with 2 girls and a guy possibly have the girls touching each other? But in all of these scenes, the girls are standing right next to each other naked, and maybe once or twice do they lightly kiss, and maybe some sparse tit-grabbing, but that's it. It's a fucking mockery to modern pornographic filmmaking.

This movie is the equivalent of that girl with giant tits and dick-sucking lips that you pick up at a bar. Then when you get the bra off the tits hang down like a grandma, she sucks dick with her molars, and she's on the rag and won't let you take her panties off. You'll probably end up getting to jerk off on her stomach, but it's not going to make you happy. -- POPEYE KATSOPOLIS

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/249681new1.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SKULLGAME INVESTIGATIVE RERUN REPORT: RAFT OF "ROBBERIES" STRIKE SUPERMODEL SLUTS WITH HISTORY OF COKE LOVE. NAOMI CAMPBELL, KATE MOSS SHRUG "WE DUNNO." PLUS: HERE COMES DA JUDGE...DISHING ON FAGGO JACKO JACKSON & HIS "ALLEGED" BOY LOVE. ALLEGEDLY.

NEWSFLASH: Bethesda resident Cathy Gallagher created a recent line of greeting cards called the Secret Lover of Ho's collection. The new greeting cards speak to ho's, ho couples and all manner of ho's in affairs or involved in other such like ho activities. Inspired by her almost Chinee level of industry, we at SkullGame are launching OUR own line of cards, completely in keeping with the established principles of ITALIAN SALANETICS. They are only $10 postpaid and well worth the price when you consider that no other line of memorables so completely addresses the average man's load needs.

THE "JOSEFINA"

APPROPRIATE FOR JUST ABOUT ANY EVENT WHERE YOU WANT TO SAY "SAUSAGE". RECOMMENDED: FUNERALS. BAR MITZVAHS.

THE "SKANK"

NOTHING QUITE SAYS "THANKS FOR COMING. ON MY CHIN." LIKE THE "SKANK." PERFECT FOR: ANNIVERSARIES, PROMS.

THE "ANAL-AMERICAN PRINCESS EXTRAORDINAIRE" OR THE "APE"

NAMED AFTER KATHY WOODS, THE APE IS ONE OF OUR BEST SELLERS YET. EXPERTS AGREE: THERE AIN'T NO WAY TO PUT IT SUBTLE, WHEN YOU WANT THE BUTTHOLE.

We are truly excited about being able to help people say more succinctly what they've always wanted to say anyway. And according to a proud ITALIAN SAL, "Load on the face? Remember me?" said Salvatore. "I'm Vinnie's friend. Load on the face? How are things? Load on the face. I heard you were moving to Cali. Load on the face? Load on the face, Load on the Face, Load on the face? Anyhow, hope to see you at next UFC in Vegas. Load on the face?"

ITALIAN SALANETICS: "IT'S ALMOST LIKE FLYING."

SUPERMODEL SKANK "LOSES" $50,000. COCAINE QUESTIONED. REPEATEDLY.

NAOMI CAMPBELL: THE DREAM SEQUENCE. "AND I WAS WALKING THROUGH ALL OF THIS...UM...SNOW. IT SMELLED SO GOOD I JUST HAD TO KEEP HUFFING & HUFFING IT. MAN. I HATED TO WAKE UP FROM THAT 'DREAM'."

FRANCE (SkullGame) -- Supermodel NAOMI CAMPBELL who, while not able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, nor stop a speeding bullet, or even go faster than a locomotive...without cocaine, "suddenly" found herself on the receiving end of a jewelry and clothes "robbery" worth nearly $50,000. "Stolen" "from" her while she "celebrated" her "35th" birthday at the Cannes Film Festival. A "thief" beat "security" "guarding" the "yacht" she has been staying in by "pretending" to be part of her "entourage" before "raiding" Campbell's "cabin".

According to reports, Campbell had brought the belongings to the French Riviera to auction them at a charity fundraiser Thursday night for the Nelson Mandela Foundation, of which she has been an ambassador since 1997. But all was not lost -- the catwalk queen begged designer pals to donate MORE outfits to replace those stolen.

Her Italian agent David Brown says, "We rang designers for outfits and her good friends Dolce and Gabbana came to the rescue. As did Hector. Carlos. And someone named Pablo. Twice."

HERE COMES DA JUDGE...ROY BEAN ADJUDICATES JACKO'S DEPOSITION OF HONDA’S ASIMO ROBOT

"MICHAEL IS TOTALLY INNOCENT," SAYS CULKIN THEN. "DON'T BELIEVE ME? WELL YOU CAN FUCK IT, YOU CAN SUCK IT, YOU CAN LEAVE IT ALONE, BUT THAT'S THE GOD'S HONEST TRUTH."

HOMOTONIA (SkullGame) — Honda’s ASIMO, the world’s most advanced humanoid robot, is said to be currently eliciting erections from sexual predators worldwide—including, ALLEGEDLY, the infamously defaced pop icon MICHAEL JACKSON. Child molesters, rapists, and assorted reprobates across the globe reportedly “can’t wait to fuck that thing”; a sentiment that has drawn lots of attention from the universally disdained NAMBLA and many other men that have gone on record as really "digging Menudo, you know, for their music."

Jackson, currently on trial for several counts of lewd and lascivious encounters with children, commented (against the advice of his legal counsel) on the practical applications of this potential Terminator-esque technology; saying “I think this child is just beautiful.” Upon his initial encounter, Jackson was “overjoyed” at ASIMO’s ability to “moonwalk,” as well as it’s reciprocal physical mimicry. Through gnashed teeth Jackson remarked “if we put a mattress behind him I don’t think he’d have much of a choice”.

CULKIN NOW. 'NUFF FUCKING SAID.

The 4 ft tall/ 100 odd lb. ASIMO (who bears a resemblance to MACAULAY CULKIN) was unavailable for comment; but according to Honda CEO Hiroyuki Yoshino the robot appeared to be “just a rittle nervoush” upon hearing the news.

SECOND SUPERMODEL SKANK "LOSES" A CUNT OF CASH. COCAINE AGAIN QUESTIONED, CLAIMS TO BE "SICK OF THIS SHIT" & TO KNOW "NUTTIN' ABOUT IT," IMMEDIATELY PRIOR TO DISAPPEARING RIGHT UP AFOREMENTIONED MODEL'S FORMERLY KEYHOLE-SHAPED NOSTRILS.

KATE BUSH, ER, WE MEAN, MOSS, POST-ROBBERY. "IT WAS TERRIBLE. I, I MEAN, THEY TOOK EVERYTHING...OH THIS OLD THING? YOU LIKE IT? $50. RIGHT NOW. IT'S YOURS.

LONDON (SkullGame) -- Property worth $19,000 was "stolen" from a car outside of supermodel KATE MOSS' home Thursday. A music system worth $7,600, a $4,750 jacket, some boots and a purse were among the items snatched from a Land Rover parked outside her London home -- after "thieves" smashed a window with a brick of primo Columbian.

Moss spotted the damage late Thursday, but decided not to call police until she had examined allllllllll of the evidence. A few times.

A neighbor in the exclusive St John's Wood area says, "She was 'upset' at 'losing' her jacket and boots. But she said it was not worth calling the police for and there's nothing they would do that she couldn't herself do. Huff-wise."

SKULLGAME INVESTIGATIVE RE-RUN REPORTS: A RAFT OF "ROBBERIES" STRIKE SUPERMODEL SLUTS WITH HISTORY OF COKE LOVE. NAOMI CAMPBELL, KATE MOSS SHRUG "WE DUNNO." PLUS: HERE COMES DA JUDGE...DISHING ON FAGGO JACKO JACKSON & HIS "ALLEGED" BOY LOVE. ALLEGEDLY.

A SKULLGAME LAWN STORY: JUSTICE ACHIEVED!!!

Fifteen-year-old Larry Mugrage was on his way home when he was shot dead, said a neighbor whose teenage stepsons and brother were regular playmates of the victim. "He was just walking home," Alicia Holt said. The afternoon shooting followed a confrontation four hours earlier between the teen and another neighbor, 66-year-old Charles Martin, after Mugrage had stepped on the lawn of Martin's Hawthorne Drive home. "He came out cussing at Larry," said Holt, 24, who lives several houses away from Martin's and Mugrage's homes on the same side of the street. "They just had words." Martin called 911 Sunday to report the shooting. "I just killed a kid," he calmly told the 911 operator.

SEYMORE BUTTS' WAR OF THE GIRLS

Pure Play Media

Rating: THREE "Beats That Spielberg Movie" BUSTED NUTS

What we have here are four girls of varying weights and levels of attractiveness, but none of them are gross, even if there happen to be some ass tattoos and back fat. The important thing here is that Mr. Butts keeps everything pretty light, but the sex pretty filthy. He interacts with everyone, but he doesn't sound like a sleazeball, and the girls actually do seem to be enjoying themselves as much as bad actresses can pull that off.

SELENA SILVER IN BUTTS' RENDITION OF HOME ALONE. WITH A COCK. BRAVISSIMO!!!

The first scene is fine, where the girls blow this guy while he makes them drinks. They're all chatting and making jokes and he's making drinks that look they're made from Klingon blood, and it's totally fine.

But then we get into all the girls fucking each other. It's pretty fucking good, because it's 4 girls doing everything to each other and they all seem into it, and I've yet to find someone that can fuck that up.

After that the guy comes back, and they fuck him for awhile, and it's pretty awesome. I know this guy is on film, and it's a job, and you have to concentrate, and it's not that big a deal, and the girls aren't actually into you, but check it out. This guy gets to do these things all at once:

1. Fucking a girl in the ass or in the pussy.

2. To his right, there are two girls licking or fingering or kissing each other.

3. There is a occasionally a girl sitting on his face.

4. Often, someone is licking his butt like he shits caviar.

And I mean, good for this guy. Whatever your opinions of porn and the people that participate in it, you have to admit that this dude has a little more faith in God now that he's receiving a paycheck for something your ass couldn't even get with chloroform.

After this, there are two more scenes--one with some old dude, and one with some skinny dude. They fuck one girl each, and I pass these up after a quick perusal because it's a total waste, and an unfortunate way to put a movie together. It's like going to circus and the high wire act without a net or the suicidal lion tamer is followed by an old guy fucking some sore hole of a woman.

That may beat the clown car, but just barely. -- POPEYE KATSOPOLIS

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/242354.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

1 LUCKY FUCK #2

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: TWO "Who Is The Lucky One?" BUSTED NUTS

There’s this psycho homeless guy that hangs around the neighborhood where my gym’s at. We can’t tell if he’s some kind of Southeast Asian, or if that’s just the ever-present layer of black filth present all over his skin. He’s earned the name Who Is Lucky One.

AMBER RAIN ABOUT TO EXPLORE ALL OF THE FINER POINTS OF "LUCK"

He wanders in sometimes to use the leg curl machine. Once he’s discovered by the staff, he jumps up, giggles hysterically, and runs out. One time, one of the shorts-wearing staff approached him. The bum pointed at the male staff’s legs, and a look of great discovery came over his face as he uttered the kind of sound you’d make if you found a crumpled up $100 bill on the street. “Who is lucky one?” he asked, still staring at the legs, before giggling and running out. We cringe at the thought of who “lucky one” might have been a reference to, or indeed what had just happened during that horrifically bizarre exchange.

We might not know who lucky one is supposed to be, neither with our Malaysian friend, nor in the porn series 1 LUCKY FUCK, whose premise is that a woman gets fucked while other guys cum on her face. Oh, sorry, “gets covered in ball snot.” Nice.

The homosexual ramifications are alarming.

Fucking a chick while other guys spooge on her can get dicey. I guess if it was all that could be done to get laid, you could consider yourself lucky. Meanwhile, I think the women in the flick are measuring their luck by weighing the lingering stench of strangers’ sperm in their noses with the thousands of dollars received to go through the ordeal. –- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/257058.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

JOHN LESLIE'S CRACK HER JACK #5

Evil Angel

Rating: FIVE "Bring Some Peanuts And, Um..." BUSTED NUTS

It’s all about the ass and watching them take it off...it being tight revealing clothing. Them being them "hizzoes." Yes. Watching them walk…and then watching them take it off. That, in essence, is John Leslie’s astronomically successful CRACK HER JACK line of butt-loving videos.

LILIANE TIGER ON THE VERGE OF HAVING HER CRACK ATTACKED, JACK!

Each and every scene an anal, if not a DP, this movie is every butt lovers dream cum fucking true, starring bushy-eyebrow-having, Eastern European euro-pig NAOMI wearing a dress that could have just as easily been an overstretched t-shirt. Naomi keeps it stretched tight over her beautiful, and yet, ample ass. Naomi has the kind of look that singlehandedly explains the complex socio-political climate in the Balkans and it has everything to do with sucking, fucking and dropping payloads.

Also starring LILIANE TIGER and SANDRA DE MARCO, who incidentally wears a full-body fishnet body stocking, plays up the whole cheating soon-to-be-wife, and as she gets triple teamed, her erstwhile fiancé alternates between fucking and screaming at her about the “wedding” being “off.” Just like real life.

Also starring NATALI BROWN...all I can say about her is, big tits and pouting lips make one hell of a load-tugging combo.

Enjoy! -- SAL PACINO

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/253700new.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

BLACK ASS CANDY #3

West Coast Productions

Rating: TWO "Grimy Lens" BUSTED NUTS

Firstly, this flick has been sat, unreviewed, in it's United States Postal Service envelope since September. It's that good. ALEXANDER de VOE isn't bad at this porn lark, far from it. He has all the requisite boxes ticked: Hot Bitch(es) - Check. Loads unloaded - Check. "Storyline" - Check. Hide the sausage - Check. What more do you need? Right?

Well a camera without 4 inches of filthy muck on the lens would be a good start.

MAN, OH, MAN....ASHLEY FOX GETS ROYALLY FUCKED IN THE ASS IN THIS VID. WE MEAN, WE THINK SHE DOES. IF THAT'S EVEN HER. HEY, ARE WE SURE THAT'S NOT EVEN A DUDE? WHAT THE FUCK? IS SHE OPRAH? HUNH? OPRAH GOT FUCKED IN THE ASS?!?! COOOOOLLLL.....

God knows which cowboy he got the camera off, but he wants to get a refund. Scene after scene, you will squint. Scene after scene, you will ask JUST WHAT IS GOING ON? I think there's a mediocre scene with the filthy but man-faced ADORA and some bespectacled white geek. She takes up the Gary Glitter. I think. In fact, I'm 87% sure this is all anal, what with the title and all. You just can't tell one hole from another.

So if you enjoy the effect of watching fucking without your glasses or monacle, then hell, this IS the DVD for you. As a little-catered-to niche market, you should fully endorse and support Mr. de Voe, as he is doing it for YOU GUYS. So squint on over to our store and keep VINNIE and SAL in velvet slippers and pink champagne for a few more days. -- ENGLISH BOB

Buy It NOW!

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SKINNY BONES Vol. 1

Vamp Pictures

Rating: FIVE "Thanks For The Memories" BUSTED NUTS

When I was about 21 years old I started dating this Irish chick from New Jersey, she was about 5’2, weighed about 90 lbs and for all intents and purposes was pretty much flat chested. That being said: she was the best lay I ever had. This skinny Irish chick knew how to fuck, not only that, she knew how she wanted to be fucked; and that was to be fucked hard…really hard. I would often tell people it was almost as if these bony bitches wanted to feel their bones rattling whilst getting boned.

WE LOVE THEM SKINNY BROADS!!! LOVE THEM. AS LONG AS THEY AIN'T TALL. TALL SKINNY BROADS REMIND US OF BUGS. CREEPY FUCKING MAN BUGS. BUT SKINNY BROADS? LIKE FUCKING A FIST WITH TITS. AIN'T THAT RIGHT COURTNEY?

And therein lies my clever segue into the Vamp compilation dedicated to skinny broads across America, the aptly named, SKINNY BONES. Starring the super sexy brace-faced KAT, as well as the DVD box cover girl COURTNEY SIMPSON, this movie was well put together and well worth the money. Essentially an all one guy-one girl fuck flick with 2 girl-girl scenes thrown in for added spice. Or as I like to refer to them: endless frustration.

This one is a real buy, and in case you were wondering. Her name was Jennifer, she lived in Jersey City and while I was tapping it she was going to school to be a nurse. Kind of an interesting choice of profession since I remember her being a bit of a cunt. A skinny cunt, but a cunt, nonetheless. -- ITALIAN SAL

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I WANNA CUM INSIDE YOUR MOM

White Ghetto Films

Rating: THREE "Dad? Daaad?" BUSTED NUTS

AVN is on now. Which means we're getting our cocks wet. In something other than a sock filled with lotion. Which means we're getting our cocks wet in socks filled with lotion in LAS VEGAS. We say this so not as to make you miserable because you're still in fucking Nutley, New Jersey, but as a prelude to saying that if it comes to doing a good review OR doing a bad slather job on potential "SKULLGAME STARLET", well you're left with what you have here: a niggardly done review because we're in too much of a fucking hurry to dawdle over YOUR loads.

"ME TOO DAD!!! ME TOO!!!" THE WAY THE WORLD WOULD BE IF PENNY PORSCHE & HER KNOBS WERE MY MOM.

OK....so this flick. Maybe in conjunction with DEVILS FILMS. Maybe DEVILS FILMS is migrating to WHITE GHETTO FILMS. You know insofar as porn is concerned this is like naming it the same fucking thing TWICE. WHITE GHETTO FILMS? What the fuck do they mean? Encino? Or Norco? Ah, who gives a fuck?

We do actually. Actually anything that keeps us from thinking of the title in any sort of analytical way is a welcome break. I WANNA CUM INSIDE YOUR MOM?!?!? DAD?!? Is that YOU?!?! Great street we're stumbling down here: sluts, sausage, loads, your mom, your dad....HOT YET?!?!?

Well, fortunately this vid came at the right time for me coming at the right time: right after stumbling into a BIG TITTIE fetish this week. Next week it could be assholes the color of peaches. But this week it's BIG GIANT TAY TAYS. And this has got them. Attached to the titular "MOMS". And loads. And creampies brought you courtesy of the man you call Father.

Not bad. -- VINNIE ROSE

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HARD DRUGS, HARD TIMES: THE ANATOMY OF A SKULLGAME REPEAT COURTESY OF SXSW. PLUS CORNHOLIO RETURNS FROM "VACATION," JACKO DRESSES IN DRESS; TAYLOR RAIN & SAL, CHATTING. 4 FUN, PROFIT & PAM ANDERSON TALKS CHICKEN WHILE WE STARE AT HER TITS. AGAIN.

BUT first: the ways in which CORNHOLIO's recent "vacation" was very much like "incarceration":

1) BITCHES all had penises.
2) JON REYES was kicked down a flight of stairs. Jon's stepfather is a San Francisco cop. Jon owed one of Cornholio's many lady friends a spot of cash.

"YOU PAY ME WHAT YOU OWE ME. OR I'LL PAY YOU WHAT YOU OWE ME."

3) They don't have bars on the windows at Club Med. Even The Compton Club Med.

In any case, we're glad to have him back and glad he made so many nice friends inside. Like his new friend "Mahmoud" [below]. Good luck on that appeal Brother Jihad.

BROTHER JIHAD AUDITIONS FOR A ROLE IN A NEW REALITY SHOW CALLED "JEW CONSPIRACY."

I'M OUT OF ORDER?!?!? YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER!!! HE'S OUT OF ORDER!!! THIS ILL-FITTING SUIT JACKET IS OUT OF ORDER!!! MY HYPE MAN IS OUT OF ORDER. SO IS THE COKE MACHINE IN THE LOBBY. AS IS THAT HOT BITCH BEHIND ME!!!!! THEY'RE ALL OUT OF ORDER!!!

JUST WHEN THE POSSIBILITY OF APPEARING EVEN CRAZIER SEEMS UNLIKELY MSSR. MICHAEL JACKSON, THE CURRENT GRAND PAJANDRUM OF BAHRAIN DOES SO. IN STYLE.

MICHAEL JACKSON & A MEMBER OF "THE YOUNG ISLAMIC BROTHERHOOD OF BOYS THAT LIKE TO SLEEP OVER" ON A SHOPPING TRIP IN DOWNTOWN BAHRAIN.

MANAMA, Bahrain (SkullGame) -- "Pop" "star" and alleged manipulator of young boy penis MICHAEL JACKSON took a "shopping" "trip" to a Bahrain mall Wednesday, in search of Choco Puffs, those peanut-roasted things and tampons, and covered himself in a black abaya robe traditionally worn by Bahraini women with a veil hiding his face, along with three children -- apparently his -- with their faces covered with dark scarves. And shame.

Jackson, who seems to be settling in the Persian Gulf, was seen leaving Marina Mall in the Bahrain capital, holding a child by the hand. On the way out through a back door, he shook hands with security guards. He was wearing an abaya, a robe with long sleeves, under which his pants, white shirt and men's shoes could be seen, and his head and face were wrapped in a black veil. He had black gloves on his hands.

The veil, abaya and gloves were of a style typically worn by conservative Bahraini women, though Jackson appeared to be wearing them to hide his identity. With him was another woman -- also in an abaya and jeans and a scarf over her head that partially covered her face -- who had the two other children. All three children's faces were wrapped in black scarves, and they wore yellow shirts and sweatpants or khakis without robes. The woman's identity was not known. The woman asked photographers to respect their privacy saying they are scaring the children, as the five left in a White Lexus Infinity with darkened glass.

THE FORMER MRS. MICHAEL JACKSON. NOT SO FOND OF ROBES; QUITE FOND OF LOADS. AND CASH. AND LOADS OF CASH. POSING HERE IN A PIGLATINSTAN TABLOID.

Since his June acquittal on CHILD MOLESTATION CHARGES, Jackson has made several trips to Bahrain as a guest of Sheik Abdullah bin Hamad Al Khalifa, the young, bedridden son of Bahrain's king. It has been reported that he was negotiating a position as a consultant and bed companion with a Bahrain-based company that plans to set up theme parks and music academies in the Middle East, according to a press release, earlier this month.

ITALIAN SAL WOOS TAYLOR RAIN. DAS FUCK BUTT.

AN INCREDIBLE "SIMULATION" OF TAYLOR CONTEMPLATING HER DINING OPTIONS AT CHEZ SKULL...

TAYLOR MOTHERFUCKING RAIN!!!

Been reading the site for awhile now. Like the changes. Like your stuff especially. Take a look at our site www.skullgame.com. It's a blog with tons of movie reviews; all of which we do ourselves, and a great adult-oriented slant on things. I think we could do something, us and you, I mean. Think about it, we get a ton of traffic, love to double team chicks and get lots of traffic. Did I mention the double teaming part? That being said, let's do a content sharing thing with embedded reciprocal links on our stuff on your site and your stuff on ours.

Double teamingly,
Salvatore

BUBBLE HEAD SAYS SOMETHING. ABOUT CHICKENS. OR KNOBS. WE CAN'T BE SURE WHICH.

DEFINITELY KNOBS.

KENTUCKY (SkullGame) -- PAMELA ANDERSON BRUCE LEE BIG KNOBS has lost her bid to get the bust of Kentucky Fried Chicken founder Colonel Harland Sanders removed from the state Capitol building. Kentucky Governor Ernie Fletcher has written to the actress/model explaining the bust will stay put, despite Anderson's claim that Sanders is a symbol of cruelty to chickens, before drifting off and drawing pictures of melons all over said letter.

In his letter, Fletcher wrote, "Colonel Sanders remains a Kentitty icon. His success story has been an inspiration to mammary. The industry he began employs hundreds of thousands of workers over my lap. His business and his legacy have been good for Kentitty."

Anderson has fired back at Fletcher, calling Sanders' company one "that mutilates God's creatures." The actress has teamed up with animal activists at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals to urge fast food fans to boycott KFC until the company agrees to clean up its slaughterhouse policies.

"Hunh?" said everyone in attendance, blinking when they realized for the first time that the head on top of the tits was talking.

ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FUCK-UPISM!

Two men were jailed on arson complaints after one of them hit the wrong button on a cell phone, giving 911 dispatchers an account of a plot to set a vehicle on fire. Enid police Capt. Jim Nivison said from that call, 911 dispatchers and a shift supervisor listened for nearly four hours to the two Enid natives as they drove across town, first planning to steal an acquaintance's car, then deciding to build an incendiary device out of a light bulb to burn the car up. "It's all on tape; we've got the whole thing," Nivison said. "They made some pretty dumb statements. One of the males said. 'It's gonna burn, will they be able to get fingerprints?' and 'I've got the lighter, Dude. Let's go.'" Johnny Ray Miller, 48, was arrested on complaints of third-degree arson and transporting an incendiary device. Robert A. Patterson, 24, was arrested on complaints of third-degree arson and manufacturing an incendiary device.

PLEASE...DRILL MY ASS P.O.V. STYLE!

Elegant Angel

Rating: THREE & A HALF "Well Mannered" BUSTED NUTS

Say what you want about the morals of the girls in this video, at least they’re polite. They’ve been raised well by their parents to say “please” and “thank you,” even when it comes to asking for an ass drilling.

"CAN I PLEASE HAVE MY ASS DRILLED!?!?!!" GABRIELLA BANKS. KEEPING THE PARTY POLITE.

“Politeness” is the operating word throughout this video, in fact, which stars GABRIELLA BANKS and NAUDIA NYCE, amongst others, and is directed by/stars German CHRIS CHARMING, a sort of auxiliary Steve Holmes, but dorkier and more well-mannered.

So all the action is one on one, starring a big dick on the viewer’s end and pretty acceptable babeness on the other, culminating in the ever-welcome ass reaming of JASMINE BYRNE, who, fittingly, is also well-spoken and demure, even when doing what she does best, namely extracting loads. What you thankfully don’t get are any shots of Charming’s mug to muck up the fucking.

Whew.

Get us some hotter bitches overall and this would be a really great video. -- STEELY ROB

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IDEAS ARE LIKE ASSHOLES: EVERYBODY IS ONE

Yo Vinnie,
Why don't you start a SkullGame Personals section? You could be like hooking all the sometimes lesbians who like foursomes up with the guys who like gangbangs. Gimme my share when this idea makes you all millionaires. -- Vonstone Wolfe (by email)

WHAT? WHAT'S THIS MEAN?! I MEAN SHE'S STILL AWAKE RIGHT? OH. OOPS. NEVERMIND. SIGNED, ROOFIE THE SLEEP BANDIT

Dear WILE E. COYOTE: Smoke lots of fucking pot today? How's that working for you? I mean all the pot smoking? I'm sorry you forgot the question? Well let me repeat it for you: are you fucking crazy? We were going to give this to ASK A GUY WHO HATES YOU but he's too busy it seems giving me solid advice on giving that crack-smoking slut that's been hanging around here some keys so she can crash when she needs to. Anyways, while in theory a SkullGame personals seems like a good idea, in practice it'd be a Hobson's choice in action. In other words no matter what kind of cock was wanted, they'd always be offered the same 10 or 12. Specifically: ours. Again and again. A sound fucking idea in actual fact, but we ain't givin' you a penny for it as we, um, thought of it first. But tell you what we're going to do: slip you one of our marinol tabs for all of your hard word, Stoney. Now go the fuck back to sleep.

SWALLOW MY SQUIRT #2

Elegant Angel

Rating: FOUR "Lemon Flavor" BUSTED NUTS

Rewind to 1984 and Twisted Sister are topping the charts with "We're Not Gonna Take It" and generally annoying anyone with ears.

Fast forward to 2005 and that same singer is calling himself NICKI HUNTER and going absolutely batshit licking ass and squirting from his pussy. In fact, his/her hysteric performance actually picks up the ol' Best Scene Of The Movie award. Congrats!

NICKI HUNTER, SINGER OF TWISTED SISTER, GOING FOR THAT GOLDEN HIGH NOTE CALLED SQUIRT.

Beyond that, well, I have to get pedantic with this one. And I don't mean jerk off slowly. Why? There's not a whole lot of squirt SWALLOWED in this flick. And by "not a whole lot" I specifically mean "once".
That's not how it's advertised on the tin so I'm calling BULLSHIT!!

If, on the other hand, the title were to reference female faces coated, covered, and dripping with squirt then, yeah, all would be right in the universe.

Or at least that little corner of the universe where fleeting moments of joy depend on faces glistening with either (a) spooge or (b) near-piss.

My corner.

Where scientific analysis concludes, "Hmmm, EVA ANGELINA sure looks purty with I-can't-believe-it's-not-piss on her face." -- MR. XTRA

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SKULLGAME TO SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST THIS WEEK FOR FEW DAYS OF TEXAS FIGHTIN', FUCKIN', STABBIN' MOTHERFUCKERS IN THE NECK WITH BUTTERKNIVES. PLUS: BETTIE "POUNDCAKE" PAGE, JESSICA SIMPSON'S TITTIES [AGAIN], A STEROID SURPRISE & SAL PACINO'S SHOCK, AWE!

"THANKS to SkullGame Brand Edge Weapons I find that when going to South By Southwest [SXSW] I can more effectively deal with vocal detractors than almost ever before," says OXBOW Security Head SUK MUK DIK. "Muuuucchhhh more effectively," he concludes, staring wistfully into the distance.

"THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH, SKULLGAME. SOOOO MUCH."

JESSICA SIMPSON WISES THE FUCK UP IN REGARDS TO THE NATURE OF HER TRUE APPEAL: MORE TITTIE, LESS FUCKING SINGING

A PRE-BOOB JOB JESSICA BELTING OUT A BOUNCY NUMBER THAT ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WHO AIN'T GAY WANTS TO EVEN FUCKING HEAR.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Singer-turned-actress JESSICA SIMPSON has hinted she's ready to abandon her music career for good, despite being contracted to release another three records, and in light of hearing absofuckinglutely no argument from anyone else living on this planet.

The "star" made her "acting" debut in last year's The Dukes of Hazzard and now wants to pursue a Hollywood "career." However, the sadists at Sony music insist the starlet is contracted for at least another three albums. But Simpson says, "Music will always be my passion, but I don't have to do it professionally. It's just not really about that for me anymore. I feel like I don't have to look at it as a career. I can just rest in it and just be."

Whatever. Show us your tits.

THANK YOU. SORT OF.

BETTIE PAGE MARVELS AT BANK STATEMENT AS FAT BITCHES WORLDWIDE USE FORMER PINUP VIXEN’S HEAVILY MARKETED AND ENORMOUS ASS AS FURTHER EXCUSE TO CONTINUE GORGING ON HOSTESS PRODUCTS WHILST SHAMELESSLY PURCHASING HOT TOPIC APPAREL. “WE’RE BIG, WE’RE BEAUTIFUL, WE’RE RICH…WELL, NOT SO MUCH. MORE YOU THAN WE. ON ALL COUNTS. MINUS THE FAT BITCH PART,” A NATION OF EATBEASTS PROCLAIMS, WHILE CREDIT CARDS ARE MAXED OUT IN COLLECTIVE CASE OF DELUSION OF GRANDEUR.

COUNTESS SNACKULA, PROUD OWNER OF OVER 5 BETTIE PAGE AIR FRESHNERS, 4 OF WHICH ARE CURRENTLY ATTACHED TO HER “NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS” STOCKINGS, ADDS TO THE WASHED UP FORMER BEAUTY QUEEN’S EXHORBITANT BANK ACCOUNT BY PEERING, AS ONLY MEDUSA COULD, INTO HER BRAND NEW BETTIE PAGE WEBCAM—WHICH, ACCORDING TO BOTH THE COUNTESS AND THE WORLD, DOESN’T WORK NEARLY AS WELL AS THE BOX WOULD HAVE US BELIEVE.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame)—BETTIE PAGE and her once load-worthy breasticles are reportedly garnering more attention, and cash, than ever before, thanks solely to what Ms. Page labels as “the fat and the unlovable young women of America that think that sporting thighs that emit smells not unlike bacon upon their frictional…um…frictionality is somehow probable cause for giving me lots of money for postcards bearing my visage. And titties. But mostly my titties.”

BETTIE [RIGHT] WAITING FOR HER FATTIE CHECK. 55 FUCKING YEARS AGO.

The former pin-up sensation reared her cantankerous and liver-spotted head to shakily sign autographs at CMG offices in Hollywood after spending years hiding from the limelight; claiming that Narcissus’ pool isn’t quite as lovely to gaze in when all that is reflected back is the barrel of a gun.

Her website—www.bettiepage.com--has received an estimated 588 million hits in the past five years.

Page reflected on her career during the signing, stating “Being in the nude isn't a disgrace unless you're being promiscuous about it. After all, when God created Adam and Eve, they were stark naked. And in the Garden of Eden, God was probably naked as a jaybird too!"--proof positive that time can take the hot out of a bitch real quick, but not so much the stupid.

Page, 82, has been slowed in recent years by ailments including diabetes and stabbing pains in her back, legs and hands while her fans have been slowed by growing foodbabies and a wide array of impulse items at local Hot Topic faggot outlets.

In related news, a film about the sexpot, The Notorious Bettie Page, is scheduled for release in April. Page has complained that the word notorious is "not flattering," but the film's producer, Pam Koffler, said it was an exercise in irony before dangling shiny objects in front of her and pointing out puppies on the sidewalk.

STEROIDS? HEALTHY!!! SAYS NEW REPORT BY AMERICAN INSTITUTE OF EXTREME ANGER.

THE INSTITUTE'S TRADING CARD SERIES: BRADY ANDERSON, PICTURED HERE, RESPONDING TO A BAT BOY SAYING HELLO.

NEW YORK (SkullGame) - Anabolic steroid users may behave aggressively for a long time after stopping the drug, but the behavior -- and some of the brain changes linked to it -- may be reversible, animal research suggests, says Dr. Richard H. Melloni Jr., AIEA's inspector general.

In an experiment with teenage hamsters given anabolic steroids, scientists found that the animals continued to chase and bite their brethren for days whilst sobbing, threatening suicide and complaining about sexual dysfunction during withdrawal from the muscle-building hormones.

At the same time, activity in the brain's vasopressin system, which is linked to aggression, was elevated in the steroid-treated hamsters. After a couple weeks, however, both vasopressin activity and aggression subsided -- suggesting, the researchers say, that teenagers' use of anabolic steroids may have lasting but reversible effects on behavior and the vasopressin system.

But that doesn't mean that anabolic steroids aren't so bad after all, stressed Melloni. "The promising part of the study is that it suggests (the aggression) will go away over time," he told SkullGame. But the "disturbing part," he added, is that it could take a good while. Adding, "What the fuck did you say? What?!? WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU TO SAY FUCKING ANYTHING YOU MOTHERFUCKING FUCK!?!? HUNH?!?! HUNH?!?!? AGGGGHHHHHH...."

STRIKEFORCE STRIKES SAN JOSE IN MMA SHOCKER. SAL PACINO REPORTS FROM FRONTLINE

SKULLGAME SPONSORED FIGHTER GILBERT MELENDEZ [CHECK THE SHORTS] BRINGS THE WRATH OF GOD DOWN ON THE MONEY GRUBBING HAWAIIAN HARRIS SARMIENTO FOR A [NOTHER] QUICK WIN

SAN JOSE (SkullGame) -- Strikeforce, the mirage, the myth the main event, while it was in fact a record setting event for California; setting box office records for mixed martial arts events across the US with approximately 19,000 fans in attendance, the Strikeforce event in and of itself did not stray far from its provincial protective San Jose roots it developed as a Semi-Pro kickboxing event that would pit local fighters against less skilled journeymen fighters in a bid to “give the [local] fans what they want.”

The thinly veiled creative matchmaking, that which brought the record-setting attendance to fruition, in this instance, was part and parcel of the problem. With local fighters like Cung Le, a Sanshou fighter, as well as local UFC veterans Eugene Jackson and Mike Kyle in lackluster performances against guys, who on paper, they outclassed 10 times over. The most obvious creative matchmaking, however, was in the Cung Le “fight” against an opponent he had easily beaten a year earlier, an opponent who incidentally was 7 years his senior at the ripe young age of 40…I know what you're thinking Randy Couture is 40, to which I answer: This guy was no Randy Couture. Hell he was no Randy Jackson for that matter. A guy who’s performance was so bad his name is not worth mentioning; a friend commented to me after the fight that “he didn’t even exhibit a human's natural reaction to striking: the clinch.” To which I responded “maybe he was a guy they picked out of the crowd who won a raffle or something.”

Each and every San Jose fight, with the exception of Josh Thompson, another UFC veteran, went exactly as expected, with the San Jose fighters running through their competition in spectacular fashion. That being said, I would have to say that the standard bearer for the “creative matchmaking” in this event went to the main event, as to be expected. San Jose’s Frank Shamrock, a two time UFC champion as well as King of Pancrase, versus the much-less experienced MMA super trainer Cesar Gracie.

While the event claimed Gracie to be 14 and 0, the be-all end-all of MMA record keeping; Sherdog.com had him listed as 0 and 0; quite a discrepancy huh? Yeah, I thought so, too. This fight, which was just as responsible as any of the other fan draws on the main event card was probably the most pathetic of all, a 21-second knockout followed by the towel thrown in and Frank Shamrock declaring through a rain of confetti, and towels, that “this was his house,” which in all likelihood it could have been, being that by the time the towel hit the mat everyone was out of their collective seats and on their way home. Obviously being too much of a bullshit spectacle even for the hometown crowd. I would have to say that with the exception of a few fights--Gilbert Melendez versus Harris Sarmiento and Josh Thompson versus Clayton Guida--this event, for true MMA fans, was barely passing at best, a pitiable failure at worst.

Fuck you Strikeforce!

blackhole_53

WELCOME TO MY VAGINA!!!

BRIANNA BLAZE from PERFECT SPECIMENS

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MEXICAN DOCTOR? WHY, YES. WHY DO YOU ASK?

The top neurosurgeon at Highland Hospital was suspended and may be charged with a misdemeanor after a drunken altercation with sheriff's deputies in an operating room. Deputies believe Dr. Federico Castro-Moure, 45, was intoxicated during the scuffle and prosecutors may charge him with public drunkenness and interfering with a peace officer. The incident began about 8:30 p.m. last Monday when Castro-Moure argued with nurses recommending that he wait several hours for sterile equipment to arrive before operating on a spinal patient and he became angry and physically and verbally abusive. Castro-Moure then allegedly shouted obscenities and used his arm and clenched fist to keep deputies at bay. Although there is no policy banning alcohol consumption by doctors before surgery, doctors are barred from working when "impaired in any way by drugs or alcohol."

OOP'S I SWALLOWED

A load of goop? Right down the

gullet? Should I guess again? Nah?

I didn't think so.

247791

FIGHTING SLUTS FIGHTING SLUTS: TAKE #2

THE ULTIMATE FUCKING CHAMPIONSHIP. WITHOUT THE FUCKING.

AHHH. SO NOW YOU FEEL THE WRATH OF MY DOUBLE CLUTCHING RUG MUNCH HOLD!!!

Editor's Note: Though we've reviewed this site before, JUDGE ROY BEAN's become obsessed with it and so: Take fucking 2 of one man's obsession with battlin' bitches.

Beating ass and then taxing it; taxing ass and then beating it—whether you start moving from B to A or A to B we do all agree that the ultimates of human expression are covered thusly therein. Fucking and fighting are, in essence, the same base actions--namely a physical manifestation of the desire to conquer--hence the blueprint from which WE work. Sex and violence are not at opposing ends of the spectrum--they exist at the apex of the circle; sitting side by side, holding hands, and smiling while the moralists of the world desperately attempt to disrupt their happy marriage and place them as enemies of one another when they are really inseparable lovers.

Every day, as our eyes and ears attend to others, we find ourselves sizing up all those that cross our path. Are they best served by the end of our dicks or the end of our fists? The answer is really dependant solely on gender, not on “love” or the propensity for. Though their stance, being that of the opposition, may not necessarily be a conscious one-- pity aside-- it is a necessary one, lest we face stagnation and, thus, death. Our nature is to conquer; it is that which drives us and it is that which cannot be ignored. Power is the primary nourishment of the human animal and what is best in life, as Conan himself knew, was submitting the opponent…by any means.

See, the tight-assed, big-tittied club whore in the skin-tight mini-skirt and lace stockings may not actively realize that her peacocking ways are more than feeding the innate desire to court our attention, but this does not change that, in the end, that which does not conquer HAS BEEN conquered simply by it’s lack of conquering.

Well these hoes, and their peter-cheaters, will not stand for any of that nonsense. No sir…err..no ma’am! Yeah, no ma’am, we mean…whores. Filthy, filthy fucking whores.

While we are sure that at least some of these women think that this coalesce of physical dominance and pro-active female sexual expression equates with feminist porn; we here at the Mack Ave. find it necessary to interrupt our regularly scheduled broadcasting to inform them that, indeed, we are smacking our balls purple against knuckles as we speak, and they fight.

Go on with yourselves ladies. If this is what it takes to keep our girls the fuck away from the View and Oprah and quit bitching about the $75 we rack up monthly on our cable bills ordering porn and MMA fights then so be it. We’ve been getting a bit sick of every woman we meet being a lesbian lately, or just hating our cocks and being tactful in relaying that to us, but nonetheless youse are fighting the good fight. The fight of the fuck. And we applaud you for that. With our cocks, of course.

And all is good and well in our world this eve, as we watch art school dropouts ground and pound fashion design school dropouts in the most literal sense.

Now, if we can just get you motherfuckers to buy something from us so that Sal can afford placing ill-advised bets on these matches...

ONLY REALLY COOL DOPES DO DOPE

Yo Vinnie,
You know what I like? I like to take Ecstasy and fuck my old lady. SHE says that it ruins the experience for her. Not HER taking it. But ME taking it when I do it. She asks me if she ain't good enough for me and if I NEED the E. I've taken it three times in 2005, each time? A big argument. I like her. Should I cease and desist to keep the peace? I mean I can take it or leave it. But I'm not going to stop taking drugs. -- High On Life, (by email)

"GREAT. THIS IS JUST GREAT. WOO...., UM, HOO."

Dear STONY MC STONE: Dump that bitch. Seriously. This is not about your penchant for fucking club drugs. This is about her desire to exert the iron curtain-esque lock of control over your fucking headspace expecially since if you're anything like me, most people can't even tell when you're high [if you're over 30 this is usually the fucking case, ANYWAY]. Making her pique, SYMBOLIC. My whole system, like anybody can tell you, is laissez faire. Which is French for "do whatever the fuck you want as long as it doesn't keep me from making quick time across town. Bitch." THREE goddamned times a year and she's pissed off?!?! I'll tell you what she's pissed off about: her lack of a penis. Which, if you think about it, is really not your fault [though it is to your benefit].

You been with her at least a year it seems like, she's been a buzzkill the whole time and even after a year you only say that you LIKE her?!?! What the fuck are you waiting for? To WIN this argument? Yeah, well, that's like winning a shit-sandwich eating argument: in the end you're only talking about eating a shit sandwich.

Now: run wild and free.

GRANNIES, FATTIES, PREGNANT BITCHES & A MIDGET TO BOOT #2

Pure Filth

Rating: FIVE "And It Changed My Life Too" BUSTED NUTS

They gathered in front of me. SAL PACINO [nee ITALIAN SAL], um, JUDGE ROY BEAN and, well, that was it. Their faces were cicatrixes of concern. It was, you see, an INTERVENTION.

"VINNIE? We're just concerned. We're concerned because what had started off like a lark...a fat rabbi bitch, a hairy lesbian with a crippled leg, a 60-year old grandmother, that bitch with the mismatched shoes with the gut that we saw at the bus stop...well, we're just worried that you've gone from getting the joke to being the joke. So we, your friends... Well, we're not really your friends, but you know what we mean: YOUR fucking up is making it hard for US to get laid and so FUCK YOU, youse gotta stop."

YOU WANT THE TRUTH?!?! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

It was a sober exchange. Especially when I consider that 98 percent of those beasts had been DOUBLE TEAMS that SAL had actually been present for as well, but whatever, the point had been made. I had to stop. I could FEEL that I had to stop. You see, my penchant for pigs, while wonderfully brave was, in the grand economic scheme of things, creating a situation where hot bitches were getting fucked by the guys who, and this is important here, SHOULD HAVE BEEN fucking these pigs.

And so it was with much regret that I watched this great offering to the gods of strange. Like a coke fiend watching SCARFACE, or a crackhead watching NEW JACK CITY, or Dave Dietrich watching MAN-ASS LOVING ATHLETES, I watched GRANNIES, FATTIES, PREGNANT BITCHES & A MIDGET TO BOOT #2...remembering....remembering... -- VINNIE ROSE

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A2M: THE ART OF ASS TO MOUTH #7

Anabolic

Rating: THREE & A HALF "High Art" BUSTED NUTS

You fool! What do you think you are doing? Do you imagine that you can just stick your silly penis into a woman’s anus, and then put it in her mouth, like some vulgarian? No, the delicate transfer of cock from ass to mouth is art – high art. Why else would you have come to learn its subtle nuances?

Shudder.

How can I help you on your path to mastery? You’re unteachable. That pull out was all wrong. Stop looking at SAANA for comfort in your incapable ways. Go! Five laps for you to properly think about your pathetic technique, and five more if I see you lose your hard on while running.

AS THE ARTS GO, CHOKING ON A CRAP-ENCRUSTED CRANK'S GOT TO RANK RIGHT UP THERE. AIN'T THAT RIGHT, SANDRA?

And you! What was that graceless insertion into SANDRA ROMAIN's mouth? Here we have a pro who’s been around since the ‘90s, and this is how I pay homage to her legacy? With nincompoops such as you? I cannot work in these conditions.

I throw my hands up in disgust. You are all a bunch of bumpkins. My master must be turning over in his grave. Not even the popular JASMINE BYRNE can save you on your path as true ass-to-mouth artistes. Don’t you see, you must carefully perform the A2M (as the new generation calls it), as if it were like plucking a delicate flower. But you have exhausted me. I am retiring to my chambers for the day to take comfort only in that at least one man here can still perform the time honored ass-to-mouth the way the great geniuses of old intended.

I’ll be taking GEORGIA SOUTH and CLAIRE ROBBINS to help me in my solace. –- STEELY ROB

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SLANT EYED SLUTS

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: FOUR "Was The Title 'Rice-Eating Gooks' Taken?" BUSTED NUTS

The first time you see a porn slut in action is often the best time you see her. Only lousy directing can spoil that maxim. Or a future transition from vag-only to anal, creampies, horse-penis, anal creampies from horse-penis, and cumfart felching.

After that it's often a case of "Emm, not her again." If not, "Christ, are we married now?"

AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S SO FUNNY? IN AN HOUR YOU WANT YOUR COCK SUCKED AGAIN? THANK YOU, NYOMI ZEN.

And so, viewing NYOMI ZEN and ROSANNA ROSE for the first time, I find myself jerking it to the goddamn INTERVIEW segments. That's before the fucking even starts. Jerking it and sending ropey spasms of liquid seed dancing across the sky in a loping arc of coconut joy!

Sure, that last sentence is the kind of bad poetry you could sing along to any random Doors' "tune," but it's also what happens when you watch this movie. But that's only if you like petite Asian chicks with shaved pussies. And have a cock.

A cock which will also be entertained by the presence of VERONICA LYNN (who's had her hair curled; mistake), ASIA (the ho, not the continent), and especially KAIYA LYNN. Whose pleas to swallow cum almost convince me that she likes it. -- MR. XTRA

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ROXY JEZEL'S FUCK ME

Evil Angel

Rating: FIVE "Porn Isn't Just For Urine Drinking Losers Like Me" BUSTED NUTS

Hello! Yes it's me MARTIN GREEN again. First off I must thank English Bob for typing these reviews out. I know it took him a while as I had written them in crayon on a scrap of paper I found in the bin. He had to come and ask me what certain words meant as my reading and writing skills are not really up to scratch. I left school when I was 11 years old you see, some of my friends call me the missing link!! The Missing Urine Drinking Link, but that's because I look like an ape. And I drink urine. But I'd have to point out that apes are intelligent whereas I am about as intelligent as one of the crayons I used to scrawl these reviews!

"IF MARTIN GREEN BE WITH ME, DRINKING MY URINE, WHO WILL STAND AGAINST ME?" QUERIES A KNOB-A-TASTIC ALICIA RHODES.

ANYWAY, ROXY JEZEL talks you through this DVD, saying some very dirty things in between scenes. I liked this DVD a lot, mainly because most of the girls are English. Even with Americans I have trouble understanding what they're saying sometimes. My favorite girl on here is called ALICIA RHODES: she is pure filth! She's my dream girl! If only I didn't look like a slope-headed neanderthal retard. Who drinks urine. This DVD is brilliant!

Did I already mention that in addition to drinking urine I also fuck your mothers? Just thought you'd like to know, son.

martin@writedesignprint.co.uk -- MARTIN GREEN

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SKULLGAME SUCCESS: 1% INSPIRATION, 99% ASSHOLATION

Authorities arrested a man accused of making thousands of harassing and obscene calls to random cell phone numbers in at least eight counties. James R. Hood, 43, was charged with one count of compelling prostitution, or offering money for sex. He posted bond and was released from the Coshocton County jail, the sheriff's office said Wednesday. Hood was arrested earlier this week following a joint investigation by sheriff's deputies in Coshocton and Licking counties. Hood lives in the Licking County town of Granville, about 25 miles east of Columbus. Hood's phone records show he made 2,623 calls in 20 days, "all basically obscene in nature," Coshocton County deputy Brent McKee said. The calls were made between 2 a.m. and 3 a.m., Licking County Sheriff Randy Thorp said.

WHAT BECOMES A DICTATOR MOST: A GIRLFRIEND WHO LIKES DILDOS!!! PLUS: JESSICA SIMPSON'S JUGS FOR FUCKED UP KIDS CHARITY & IN ANOTHER TRULY STUNNING FUCKING DISCOVERY NO ONE AT SKULLGAME MAKES THE EVER-SURGING BILLIONAIRE COCKSUCKER LIST.

THIS edition of SkullGame is brought to you JESSICA'S JUGS 4 KIDS program. A program whose ill-defined charter is best exemplified by one of Jessica's success stories: Ladies & Gentleman, Meet CHLOE. When Chloe's not protesting faggotry she's enjoying faggotry. And she wants us all to know that she couldn't do any of it if it wasn't for Jesus. And/or Mohammed.

"THANK YOU JESSICA. I LOVE YOU. YOU CUNT."

RAPPER EVE GETS PLUGGED BY PLASTIC COCK FOR THE AMUSEMENT OF MILLIONS, SEEKS SECURITY IN THE ARMS OF BRUTAL DICTATOR, AFTER DISCOVERING THAT A DICTATOR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH EITHER DICKS OR TATERS.

EVE, SUPERIMPOSED ON AN IMAGE FROM HER PUSSY PLUNGING VID, READIES THE KNIVES OF JUSTICE

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Rapper EVE has got herself a charming new boyfriend, Teodorin Nguema Obiang, a rich, 34-year-old with a LA based record label. Teodorin likes to show his ladies a good time, spending $700,000 at Christmas to rent Paul Allen's yacht and on just one day dropping $1.5m on two Bentleys and a Lambourghini.

But he's not just your average playboy, Teodorin is the son of Equatorial Guinea dictator Teodoro Obiang Nguema, rated no. 10 this year in Parade magazine's annual List of Dictators. Teodorin is showing great promise in following in his father's footsteps.

1) Set up his label with $3m ferreted out of his country, where most people live on less than $1 per day. His father has smuggled out more than $700m to US bank accounts so far. Fantastico!!!

2) In 2003, quarrelled with his uncle Armengol Ondo Nguema, national security chief, who then underwent two mysterious "suicide attempts" and was later sent out of the country to "recover."

3) Is the owner of Equatorial Guinea's only radio station, director of its only TV company, and forestry minister, but lives almost all year round in his mansions in Paris, London, South Africa, LA and Rio.

HEY girls!!! There may not be more like this dishy hunk where he came from, but dictators are aplenty, if you only know where to look: http://tinyurl.com/73yr5

SKULLGAME PARTY FUN FACT: DID YOU KNOW....?

AND IN BESSARABIA? IT'S CALLED ANAL ASS MOUNTAIN!!! IT IS. IT'S TRUE!

Pirate DVDs of Brokeback Mountain made it to Turkey months before the official cinema screenings. How was the title translated into Turkish?

Faggot Cowboys.

JESSICA'S SIMPSONS JUGS FOR JUNIORS, A HUGE SUCCESS! AMONG JUNIORS AND/OR GUYS NAMED JUNIOR.

"GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES...AND I'LL GIVE MY JUGS TO THE WORLD!!!"

"Singer" JESSICA SIMPSON. No. Not the one who lip synchs. On Satuurday Night Live. Who dyes her hair. Yeahhh, yeahhh...the other one. The one who thinks Chicken of the Sea's a chicken who swims. Anyways, she'll be following in her idol and known Negro lover ANGELINA JOLIE'S footsteps later this month, when she lobbies members of Congress on behalf of getting her very own Negro to love. Or maybe a Chinee baby.

The star will head to Washington, D.C., to speak with lawmakers about Operation Smile [At My Knobs], an organization that provides facial surgery for children with facial abnormalities, so that their faces look much more like Jessica Simspon's than not.

Simpson visited Africa last year as a guest of the charity group, Broke Negroes 4 Rich White Broads.

A source "close" to the "organization" "confirms", "She's in the phase of her life now where she wants to use her celebrity for good. And giving these little mud kids a chance to have decent faces and nice places to sleep downstairs next to the broom closet where they can bring her breakfast in bed and shit. Well, it couldn't get more perfect.

"She's flying in on her own dime. This is her Angelina moment."

Oh Jesus. H. Fucking Christ.

NUMBER OF BILLIONAIRES SURGES; NUMBER OF SKULLGAME WRITERS NOT AMONG THEM ALSO SURGES.

IT IS EASIER FOR A CAMEL TO FIT THROUGH THE EYE OF A NEEDLE THAN IT IS FOR A RICH MAN TO NOT FUCK A HOT BITCH.

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- The number of billionaires surged this year, as did their collective pile of cash, according to Forbes magazine's annual billionaire list. The magazine said the number of billionaires worldwide increased by 102 people in 2006 to 793, a record number, largely due to bullish global stock markets. Their total net worth jumped 18 percent to $2.6 trillion.

Microsoft founder Bill Gates is still the world's richest man, the magazine said, marking his twelfth consecutive year in the No. 1 spot. Famed investor Warren Buffett again takes second place, and this year the gap between the two moguls is even wider, the magazine said. Three new people moved into the top 10: France's Bernard Arnault at No. 7, Canada's Kenneth Thomson and family, ranked ninth, and Hong Kong's Li Ka-Shing in the No. 10 spot.

With 371, the U.S. is the country with the most billionaires, followed by German with 55, the magazine reported. The total worth of all U.S. billionaires combined is $1.1 trillion, while Europe's combined billionaire worth is $802 billion, it said. New York seemed to be the hot spot for the super rich, attracting 40 billionaires, followed by Moscow with 25 and London with 23, according to the magazine.

In related news VINNIE ROSE got $.57 cents of gas at the goddamned gas station again.

MODELS WANTED

Anarchy Films

Rating: FOUR "Better Than My Life!!!" BUSTED NUTS

"Hi SkullGame readers! My name is Martin Green, I am English Bob's boss. Bob has asked me to write a couple of reviews as he always takes about 6 months to write them.

Wowser! This DVD has really hot chicks on it, it's been a long time since I saw any hot chicks naked. My partner Paula has put 40lbs on since we got together! She is really fat, not to mention ugly and generally repulsive. So you can imagine how exciting see such foxes is for me, I especially liked MICHELLE B. She's english and boy, is she a slut! I think next time I am laid on top the heaving, sweaty mess that is my girlfriend I will imagine it's the lovely Michelle. Sometimes when Paula gets angry she hits me, she once even slammed my hand in a car door.I couldn't work for a whole THREE months!! Because I am a weak, pathetic man I just can't bring myself to leave her.

"GEN PADOVA'S CROTCH PROBABLY DOES NOT SMELL LIKE URINE. WHICH IS REALLY TOO BAD," SAYS ENGLISH BOB'S BOSS MARTIN GREEN.

I liked the scene with the guy who looks just like David Schwimmer, even when he is pulling the most horrid of faces. The look of discomfort on GEN PADOVA'S face in this scene reminds me of when I look in the mirror and wonder where it all went wrong. When my wife and kids left me. When I started drinking mouthwash. When I started accusing my staff of stealing from me. Not that it worries me too much, I barely pay them anything anyway!!

It's pretty lucky English Bob gave me this DVD, now at least I have something slightly arousing to try and shake my tiny, pathetic, weak mind into sex-mode next time Paula is laid inert, like a beached whale on my bed. I mean, I'm pretty sure this DVD is the best thing to happen in my life for quite a long time. At least while I have a bottle of mouthwash and this DVD, the crushing reality of my existence is far away. This DVD is like, THE BEST THING EVER!!!"

Oh. I like to drink urine too. If you like to have people DRINK your urine please email me. About urine drinking. And shit.

martin@writedesignprint.co.uk

You FAGGOTS. -- MARTIN GREEN

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BABES IN BLACK

Red Light District

Rating: ONE "I've Been Slimed" BUSTED NUTS

This just in. These Red Light Films mega-dollar-for-porn features aren’t working out.

It’s kind of like the XFL. It was easy to get swept up in the excitement at first, but then when everyone realized that it was a pretty bad version of what was really wanted, the enthusiasm started to wane.

VERONICA STONE. AND A VERY, VERY LUCKY COCK.

We’re noticing a trend with this line of movies. There’s a twist. Or an attempt at one. What this is shaping up to be is that the movie’s assumed, likeable premise turns out to be not exactly what’s going on, but the loop we’re thrown is far less interesting, and it takes FOR EVER for the clunky, hole-ridden plot to get out of its own way to arrive at that point. We won’t get into details here, but suffice to say that this movie isn’t completely about a secret agency of women who hunt aliens masquerading as humans.

Mm. Aliens. A good idea, but sci-fi matched with what even the best porn budget can muster can only lead down the inevitable road to tragedy. So for special effects you get a couple smoke bombs, some slime bought from the Nickelodeon Network, and an ugly toy doll in the role of an alien baby.

Once again, the selection of the role of the protagonist seems to lie primarily in whose face most resembled a bowl of mashed potatoes, and who has no chemistry whatsoever with any of the other actors in the film. That and VERONICA STONE can really do justice to the look of the rolly-eyed, impudently exhaling valley girl who’s in disbelief that the wait staff at the DQ in the mall put jimmies on her shake when she clearly said not to.

SYREN is a far better lead in comparison, and if you put a lot of effort into squinting you can sort of imagine her being TIA CARRERA. The reward might give you a well-deserved sense of accomplishment.

The biggest sacrilege for a porn flick is to let the audience’s juices go dry in the name of developing the story, something that BABES IN BLACK is guilty of. The movie is a bit longer than two and a half hours, and there can’t be any more than five sex scenes in the whole muddled fiasco. Oh, and the sex scenes are very bland.

Want contrast? Check out Evil Angel’s BUDA, which has a story – a simple one – and the plot line between the fucking only gives said fucking more edge. And they saved money on cherry bombs.

So why not give the movie a zero? SEAN MICHAELS’ massive working of BRIANNA LOVE. Righteous, but not worth the price of admission. Not by a long shot. –- STEELY ROB

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TIGHT YOUNG HOLES

Virgin Video

Rating: THREE "Loose Old Holes?" BUSTED NUTS

Let's do some math.

OK. When I was 19 I was fucking 25 year-old chicks. When I was 25 I was banging 19 year olds. Now that I am 35 I am fucking 45 year-old drunken housewives with halitosis.

Ah the soul-sucking circle of life and its grand miseries!

LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT: WE'D KILL 10 OF YOUSE, TO FUCK ONE EVE LAWRENCE. GOT IT? GOOD.

TIGHT YOUNG HOLES: what a great name!

Starring brace face LEAH LUV and big-tit-having EVE LAWRENCE this film is one more compilation film from the folks at Virgin Video. A movie about, who would have guessed… young females. Filmed in its entirety on couches and kitchen counters all over Canoga Park this film is essentially all one guy, one girl, and one hell of a load-bearing good time.

Cute young females, great scenes and great special features this movie is a pretty good buy if you're into young looking females…or sluts. Whatever. -- SAL PACINO

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CHEERLEADER BANG #1

Vamp Pictures

Rating: FIVE "Siss Boom Load On The Face!" BUSTED NUTS

Blond Chick and a basketball team…why not?

Offensive line and a sweet little brunette… you bet!

This movie is every benchwarmer's dream: this is what every guy who rode the pine imagined the starting five was doing at those “private” varsity parties, when in all likelihood they were probably doing each other. Hard!

Anyhow, this movie is again another compilation from Vamp Pictures featuring…you guessed it: chicks wearing cheerleader outfits getting boned by dudes wearing sports uniforms...football, basketball, whatever...it’s a group scene thing from beginning to load-blowing end.

GABRIELLA BANKS JUST LOVVVEEESSS BASKETBALL....BASKETBALL? APPARENTLY? ALSO LOVES HER. REPEATEDLY.

What do I think? You might be wondering.

First off, if guys are volunteering how they were pulling trains on this chick and that one, in all likelihood they are running trains on one another and…Oh, you meant the movie, it’s a great movie and you should definitely pick this one up. Despite the vast preponderence of faggot men. -- SAL PACINO

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blackhole_60

AS IF!!! MISS TEEN CALI IS SHOWING BEEV!?!?

IT'S A JOKE? OHHH...OK. NOW I GET IT. I THINK.

JENNA HAZE from FLESH HUNTER #2

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=75566

SKULLGAME FIGHT COVERAGE CONTINUES WITH K1 X-FAGAGANZA, FUCK FILM AUDITIONS. THAT DON'T INVOLVE OUR COCKS. FOR ONCE. BARRY BONDS TRANSVESTITUTISM DOESN'T STOP STEROID "RUMOR" MONGERING. AND ROCK'M, SOCK'M YANNI SMACKS HIS BITCH UP & DOWN.

The difference between FANTASY & REALITY.

In FANTASY, when VAN HALEN sung "Hot For Teacher" you thought about this...

"PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEATS AND, UM, S-P-R-E-A-D YOUR...BOOKS OPEN."

In REALITY, if VAN HALEN had gone to school in South Carolina instead of Hollywood Blvd. they'd have thought about this...

"PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEATS AND LET ME STAND UNCOMFORTABLY CLOSE TO YOU WHILE MENTIONING, REPEATEDLY, THAT YOU'RE QUITE, UM ATHLETIC. FOR AN 11-YEAR OLD."

LAURENS, S.C. (SkullGame) - A former fifth-grade teacher accused of having sex with her 11-year-old student was ordered held on $100,000 bond Saturday. Prosecutors had wanted Wendie A. Schweikert, 36, jailed without bond, saying she was a danger to the community of 11-year old penises and a flight risk from 11-year old penis.

Schweikert was arrested Friday on two counts of criminal sexual conduct with a minor after the boy's mother accused the teacher of having sex with him at school at least twice, said Laurens Police Chief Robin Morse. The former teacher admitted in a statement to having sex with the boy, Morse said, indicating that it was "an accident. I tripped. His 11-year old penis jumped in my mouth and next thing I know we were at Motel 6 and then there was that whole penis in the mouth thing again."

Schweikert, who resigned from her job at E.B. Morse Elementary School on Friday, did not speak during the hearing, and did not have an attorney. The boy's mother tried to tell the judge how shaken her gay son was, but was choked back by tears. The boy "wanted his mother to tell the court he was scared," prosecutor Jerry Peace said. "He is terrified that the defendant will get out on bond."

A man who answered the door at Schweikert's home Saturday would not comment, murmuring instead, "I'd have been GLAD to get a goddamned hummer at 11. I'd take one NOW, goddamn it. YES, from her, too."

Laurens is in northwestern South Carolina.

FUCK FILM WANTS FUCKERS TO FILM!!!

JOHN STAGLIANO. HE'S BAD. HE'S NATIONWIDE. HE'S NO LONGER GETTING BANGED IN THE BUTT BY TRANNIES!!!

JOHN STAGLIANO will be shooting FASHIONISTAS #2 this spring in Berlin, Los Angeles and Las Vegas. FASHIONISTAS was the winner of 11 AVN Awards at the 2002 and 2003 award shows. While many of the lead roles for the sequel have already been cast, there are still some dialogue parts to be filled by "actors," and many smaller roles and extras, including non-sex parts. Like spooge drinker.

Casting will occur for both sex and non-sex roles. Especially needed are experienced fetish models. Females and males with experience in adult videos, fetish fashion modeling or fetish parties will have an advantage. People with special visual talents, such as contortionists or aerialists are needed. Overall look and personality will be considered in the casting decision. It is not a requirement to look heavy goth or heavy S/M, but the individual should not look out-of-place in an S/M fetish situation.

All models and performers should be available to be in Los Angeles or Las Vegas on April 27 and 28 or May 1 - 4. Auditions will be held on a reservations-only basis at the Evil Angel offices. March 21 and 22 will be the primary casting days, with April 13 and 14 being reserved for additional audition dates. To schedule a time for auditions, please email karenstagliano@aol.com or call Karen at Evil Angel at 818-787-1414 x121.

SKULLGAME NEWS SHORTS

"AGGGGGGHHHHHHHHGGHHH..." BARRY BONDS RESPONDS TO A REPORTER'S QUESTIONS REGARDING THE STEROID CHARGES THAT CONTINUE TO DOG HIM. EVEN WHEN HE'S WEARING A DRESS.

"DON'T MAKE LETICIA ANGRY, MR. MC GEE. YOU WOULDN'T LIKE LETICIA ANGRY." BARRY BONDS, AKA "LETICIA" ABOUT TO MAKE A POINT. OF SOME KIND THAT WE ARE LARGELY STILL UNAWARE OF.

SCOTTSDALE (SkullGame) -- SF Giants baseball slugger BARRY BONDS, the subject of continued allegations of rampant juice monkery charged into a press conference today to refute charges of alleged juice monkery. "BIRTH IS PAIN, DEATH IS PAIN, LIFE IS PAIN!!!" Said the 40-year-old Bonds right before kissing his biceps and making some sort of connection between arm muscles and a life of relative comfort. The press conference, for Western States affiliates of Mutual of Omaha's annual analyst's meeting, nodded in assent until his rage-fueled rant petered out and he walked away. Skirt swishing gently around his thighs.

Fag.

ROCK'EM, SOCK'EM IT'S A BLAST. YANNI'S GONNA COME HOME & KICK YOUR FAT, SLUTTY ASS!

"WHAT DO YOU ALWAYS MAKE YANNI SLAP YOU?"

PALM BEACH (SkullGame) -- Acclaimed producer of treacly crap and "pianist" YANNI, in a rare honest moment is facing a domestic battery charge, as a result of that honest moment, after he was arrested at his Florida home in the early hours of last Friday. The "star," whose full name is John Yanni Christopher, as gay as that may sound, denies hurting his 33-year-old girlfriend Silvia Barthes during the dispute over whether they were going to watch DANCING WITH THE STARS or ASS-RAPED TEENS at his Manalapan house.

Barthes, who is sporting a busted up and cut lip, told police officers the musician shook her, yanking her copy of ASS-RAPED TEENS out of the DVD player, before throwing her on the bed and jumping on top of her.

The 51-year-old has released a statement saying, "I want everyone to know that I am completely innocent of any allegations made with respect to the events at my home on the night of March 2 and my refusal to have my enjoyment of DANCING WITH THE STARS curtailed yet a single other night."

"These allegations are cruel, like the bitch that made them, false, like her breasts, and without merit and baseless, like ASS-RAPED TEENS. At a more appropriate time and place, I hope and pray I will have an opportunity to address my fans and colleagues all over the world.

All 11 of them."

MR XTRA PRESENTS: LIVE FROM THE K-1 KICKBOXING WORLD GRAND PRIX, AUCKLAND, MARCH 5, 2006

NOT GAY. BUT AN INCREDIBLE SIMULATION.

There's an 8 Man Elimination Bout. Up for grabs is a spot in the final 16 at the World's in Tokyo and probably some ring-girl pussy. The ring girls are overdressed in halter tops and short skirts so immediately I'm questioning the motivation of the fighters here. They should be in thongs. The ring girls, not the fighters. Tiny thongs where their assholes flange to either side of the string.

HIRAKU HORI (Japan) bt CYRIL ABIDI (France) by TKO
Abidi had a chance in this tournament but lost a leg in round 1 and threw in the towel. Fag.

JASON SUTTIE (NZ) bt PAULA MATAELE (NZ) by Decision
Suttie's "preparation" mostly consisted of a motorcycle accident and being held together by more bandages than King Tut. Not ideal then...and he looked winded early. Outboxed in round two. Won a "charitable" decision.

PETER GRAHAM (Australia) bt BADR HARI (Holland) by KO
Fight of the day. Both guys going full-tilt. Hari edging ahead. Seconds to go in the final round and the ugly Aussie unleashes his "trademark" "rolling thunder" kick to Hari's skull. Fuckin' devastating! Hari counting stars in Morocco as we speak.

PAUL SLOWINSKY (Poland/Australia) bt RON SEFO (NZ) by Decision
Sefo boxed hard but, as usual, lacks the razzle dazzle charisma and talent of his sibbling. He's Luke Wilson to Ray's Owen. Desperately needs some kicks. Slowinsky's sweeping legs carry this one.

Semi-Finals:

JASON SUTTIE bt HIRAKU HORI by KO
Hori's classy technique and longer reach has this one in the bag. But Hori lacks mongrel...and walks into a thumping straight right in round 3. Hometown hero "The Psycho" makes the final, the crowd go apeshit, and commentator Michael Schiavella comes in his pants.

PAUL SLOWINSKY bt PETER GRAHAM by TKO
Slowinsky kicks out Graham's leg early. Graham tries to hop on. But his leg's more fucked up than VINNIE ROSE boning a 60-year-old. No wait, nothing's that fucked up...

Super Fight No. 1:

PETER AERTS (Holland) bt. SEMMY SCHILT (Holland) by Decision

First meeting between the current champ, who's like 9 feet tall, and the former champ, himself no Leprechaun. Aerts tries to land overhand rights; Schilt's legs keep him away. First loss for Schilt but shoulda gone to a 4th.

Final:

PAUL SLOWINSKY bt JASON SUTTIE by KO

Slowinsky ahead on reach and kicks. Suttie rallies with punching flurry. Drops guard and takes a foot to the face. Slowinsky wins. He was my second choice in this tournament; I'd picked Graham as the winner. This costs me a $5 bet. The prick. That was $5 I could've traded for a hummer from TV interviewer Stacy Daniels! Instead of having to jerk off thinking about it!! What a bastard!!! But, ahh, well done Sir, well done.

Super Fight No.2:

RAY SEFO (NZ) bt. FRANZ BOTHA (South Africa) by Decision

First home fight in 8 years for "Sugarfoot". Or "Showboat" as most call him. And lovingly so. Big punches traded. Ray does some shimmying, some dancing, plays to the crowd. Both men smile at each other. Bit of a twinkle in Botha's eye. Franz makes a point of thanking his girlfriend after so we won't think he's a fag.

Entertaining end to a good night. First fight was flat; Graham revved things up. Slowinsky looks solid and poised. Ray Sefo gave the crowd everything they wanted short of a KO. Alas, it's another year of so-far, so-close for Suttie. Maybe we'll see him back for another shot...

And hopefully those ring girls will be wearing butt floss bikinis.

And some ben-wah balls.

WHEN LIL BO PEEP LOSES SHEEP: A CAUTIONARY TALE

A Mesa Fire Department battalion chief was placed on administrative leave Monday after being arrested in a bestiality case. Police say non-Negro Leroy Johnson went to a residence and knocked on the door of a home where a 13-year-old girl was staying home alone this weekend. When she didn’t answer, he went into the backyard and took a lamb into a nearby barn. "One could certainly ascertain that if you're in a barn and in a secluded area with a lamb and you’re behind her and your pants are down by your ankles, then an unnatural sex act is probably occurring,” said Lisa Allen of the Maricopa County Sheriff’s office. Johnson is facing misdemeanor criminal trespassing and public sexual indecency charges. Officials with the Mesa Fire Department, responding to Johnson’s arrest, said he’s been an exemplary employee for the past 26 years, adding that they are shocked and surprised.

BLACK THROAT

VCA

Rating: THREE "Two To The Head" BUSTED NUTS

Call it a pet obsession of mine. Like LEONARD NIMOY in In Search Of... where the wily Spockian fuck walks around, cashes checks and looks for all kinds of shit that might be of use to absolutely no one. Yeah. This is like that. Except in this instance there are no checks, no walking around and no looking for anything that's worth anything to fucking anybody: DID big-tittiedCHRISTY CANYON ever take a load from a Black dude who was not JAKE STEED?

And then BLACK THROAT.

"SSSSHHH....THE GALLERY'S QUIET NOW...CHRISTY TRIES TO DEFLECT...AS PETER....MAKES HIS MOVE...HE SHOOTS...AND SCORES!!!"

Even though having Christy Canyon, PETER NORTH, ERICA BOYER, HIV fan MARC WALLICE in a movie called BLACK THROAT is very much like ANTHONY HOPKINS playing a Negro in that movie last year. Or TOM CRUISE playing TUPAC SHAKUR in that new biopic WHERE MY BITCHES AT? Even this yet we were willing to overlook. On the outside chance that Christy took some summer sausage loving.

But no.

Next best thing: Peter North dropping a Northian load on her forehead. It's been clear to me through her career that the thing she likes the LEAST is full on facial and so here Mr. North delivers a move straight from the Pro Players Handbook. Start OUT dropping loads on the knobs, however leaving enough loads for the final touch: the forehead.

LOOK....A Gandhi!!! Exactly.

PS: In the spirit of total disclosure: The flick does feature a few Negroes. Women even. That is, Black Women. Like PURPLE PASSION. And JACK BAKER, the ugliest dead man in porn. Our suggestion to VCA? Change the fucking title. To? Oh. We don't know. Maybe something like NOT NEARLY SO MUCH BLACK THROAT AS YOU WOULD HAVE LIKED.

Yeah. That'd do it.-- VINNIE ROSE

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/blkthroatdvd.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

BRING'UM YOUNG

Anabolic

Rating: FOUR "Magna Cum Loudly" BUSTED NUTS

Although Anabolic U’s got rolling admissions, it never hurts to get your applications in early. Teenaged? Female? Hot? Tight? Anabolic U features the world’s best and brightest.

There is no doubt that TIGER was valedictorian of her fucking class, finishing Magna Cum Loudly. She’s recreated her moment of academic triumph for us in which she brilliantly calculated that giving up all her holes to her prof would get her an A. Right after he got his. In the role of the nutty professor is DAVE HARDMAN.

THERE ARE RUMORS APLENTY THAT CLAIRE ROBBINS HERE HAS DROPPED OUT OF THE JIZ BIZ TO PURSUE, UM. WELL, TO PURSUE...WHEW. I GUESS A CAREER WHERE SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO DRINK SEMEN FOR A LIVING?

That guy is STILL around. He’s tried to liven up his look with a spiky, flat-topped haircut, like the dark, punk version of Tintin. It’s working about as well for him as HARRISON FORD’s earring.

We’ve had a theory for a long time that Dave Hardman is, in fact, none other than Miami Herald humor columnist DAVE BARRY with a not so well thought up stage name. The likeness is uncanny. And no, we’re not making this up.

Recess is over. Back to class. Your lab partner is CLAIRE ROBBINS. You’ll be doing an empirical experiment, gathering various data of what happens when a woman takes a cock in her ass in pile driver position. The results are due on Monday, two pages, double spaced. Dismissed. –- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

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DREAMS GONE WILD

Colossal Entertainment

Rating: TWO "It's Like A Gallagher Show" BUSTED NUTS

This movie is called DREAMS GONE WILD, it's directed by a guy with the last name Banana, and I almost want to tell you that it's completely stupid and you shouldn't ever watch it. Almost. I'm real fucking close to trashing this heap and calling it a day, but I won't. We'll get to why in a second.

So, the deal is that five women have wonderful, fantastical dreams where amazing events happen to them, like being choked, having brown stuff seep out their anuses, getting their heads stepped on, and a couple win the "fuck the bald Roberto Benigni" dream lotto. Ninety percent of this is redundant, boring, "I could easier jerk off to a LINDSAY LOHAN nipple slip" garbage...

But then we have MISSY MONROE. My God, do we have Missy Monroe.

A CURIOUSLY APPROPRIATE PLACE FOR MS. MONROE, DONCHA THINK?

Missy looks like every other porn star--(hair bleached to shit, too much makeup, and ass tattoo that tells us her name) and she pretty much fucks like every other porn star. But here's the thing: She squirts.

Now, I know what you're thinking: So what? I've seen bitches squirt before. I watch 11 hours of porn a day. How can one squirting whore save a movie? Well, you skeptic asshole, it's because she does it about every 15 seconds for 30 fucking minutes.

I don't know who brings home the gold in the pussy-squirting Olympics, but this girl has to be a competitor. She's just unleashing what must be about a gallon of cum-juice all over the place, soaking the footstool she's getting nailed on, the dude who's railing her, and even hitting the camera and cameraman multiple times. I mean, this is like Carl Lewis type shit.

Maybe you Professors of female ejaculation are unimpressed, but I'm starting a petition to get this girl a talk show: She interviews celebrities and authors and diplomats, while just moaning and squirting into a bucket. And the end of the show, some lucky audience member gets to chug the bucket.

I would quit my job to watch that fucking show. Wait a minute. I don't have a job. Nevermind.

But here's what I don't get: They never mention the squirting anywhere on the entire layout of the movie. It's the one shining beacon in this bullshit movie, and they don't even tell anybody. Why not? Does that somehow tarnish the vision Mr. Banana had for his film? Did they feel that the unoriginal name and sub-par looking girls on the cover would be enough to make it a blockbuster? Is DREAMS GONE WILD #2 going to have an unlisted horse-fucking scene? These are the questions unfortunately left unanswered, and makes me even angrier about this movie which tries so hard to suck.

The only other slight plus is that there are a bunch of foreigners involved, and they're all really fucking friendly. I must admit that while their movie blows, I have to give them credit for being so damned polite. At one point when the director sneezes, Paulo, who is cock-gagging Missy pre-squirting, takes a pause to say "Bless You".

You just don't get that courtesy from Americans.

But then again, from a lot of Americans, you get better fucking porn movies. -- POPEYE KATSOPOLIS

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/244810.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

PINK CLAM

Video X Pix

Rating: ONE "Shoe Polish Optional" BUSTED NUTS

Some things are better left unsaid. Just like some things are better left undone. But most importantly: some things are just better left unfilmed, un-watched, un…un…

Shit these things are just unfuckingbearable.

Back when porn was still being controlled by silk sock wearing goombahs in New York City the chicks attracted to the industry were a seedy mix of hypes, whores and hippies. The latter being the best looking of all; this particular train wreck of a film happens to feature all three, with hypes and whores in spades and one hippie broad thrown into the mix.

SIO...SHO...BOHAN...SIOBHAN HUNTER?!?!...FUCK IT. SALLY HUNTER, LADIES & GENTLEMAN, SALLY HUNTER.

Filmed in NYC this film is bad from beginning to end. And just like a car accident, outside of a courthouse, some events were just never…ever, meant to be described.

If you're into this old swill [VINNIE]…by all means, pal [VINNIE]. Knock yourself out. Starring SIOBHAN HUNTER, ANNETTE HEINZ and NINA PRETAjust to name a few of the hypes, whores and hippies, this film is just…just…I don’t know, I wish I could say it was so bad it was good.

But unless you're VINNIE ROSE, it's probably not. -- SAL PACINO

Buy It NOW!

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SKULLGAME'S OSCAR COVERAGE CONTINUES AS COCKSUCKERS & ASSLICKERS RACE TO FIRMLY ESTABLISH WHO IS GAYER!!! PLUS: UFC 58 COSTS SAL HIS SANITY, 10,000 INDIAN ALLIES WELCOME BUSH WITH CRIES OF "DIE WHITEY!!!" & OUR CRIES FOR LOAD RELIEF, LARGELY UNMET

THIS Oscar night coverage is being brought to you by THE PURSES OF KRISTINA & EMMA, which we plundered on promise of show viewage on our expansive flat screen TV only to deliver sausage and robbery instead.

"SURROUND SOUND TOO?" OH, FUCK YEAHHHH, BABY....WE GOT ALLA THAT. BALL PARK FRANKS TOO!!!

HAS THERE EVER BEEN AN EVENT MORE GAY? SKULLGAME SAYS: YES. POSSIBLY FIGURE SKATING. OR A CREED CONCERT. BUT THIS IS CLOSE. VERY, VERY, VERY... CLOSE...

HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- Professional liar and slow talker PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN and multimillionaire REESE WITHERSPOON were awarded best actor and actress honors Sunday at the Academy Awards, for more closely mimicking real people than the other drama club thespians in attendance who were mimicking fake people. Hoffman won for his portrayal of Truman Capote in Capote, while Witherspoon won her Oscar for playing June Carter Cash in the Johnny Cash biography, Walk the Line.

In related gay news events hunk HEATH LEDGER, passed over for BEST ACTOR, stormed off of the dais and out of the Hollywood auditorium whilst waving his hands and spitting "SO ALL THE DUDE KISSING WAS FOR NOTHING?!!? NOTHING!!! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST," [spit, spit], "FUCK. JESUS. CAN I GET A DRINK? THANKS. IT'S GOING TO TAKE A FEW MORE OF THESE TO WASH ALLA THAT GAYNESS OUTTA MY MOUTH. FUCK. THANKS FOR NOTHING FAGTOWN!!!"

HEATH LEDGER, PRE-EXPLOSION, SPREADING GAYNESS WHEREVER HE GOES...

Earlier, GEORGE CLOONEY won best supporting actor at the 78th Academy Awards for his performance as a CIA man who starts unraveling the truth in the political thriller Syriana. Clooney, who also was nominated for best director and best original screenplay for Good Night, and Good Luck, acknowledged critics who accuse the film industry of being out of touch with the American mainstream -- but he said, "It's probably a good thing."

"We're the ones who were talking about men kissing men when it was just being whispered, and we talked about man-on-man backrubs when it wasn't really popular ... I'm proud to be a part of this academy of multimillionaires and sodomites, proud to be a part of this community of the extremely wealthy and proud to be out of touch with non-sausage-based forms of communication," he said.

This year's ceremony though threatened to be one of the most politically charged in recent memory, with the themes of the nominated pictures and host JON STEWART, who made his name mocking politics on Comedy Central's late-night The Daily Show, pointing out the absurdities of both parties through election campaigns, scandal and simple Washington inefficiency.

DIRECTOR ANG LEE & HIS "WIFE" LOOKING AS COMFORTABLY HETEROSEXUAL AS RIP TAYLOR.

Without a blockbuster rooting interest, though, there are questions as to whether this year's awards might be among the least watched ever. But Stewart, who was brought in as much for his popularity among younger viewers as his comedic expertise, had a cheeky response to that. "It's going to be the most controversial Oscars ever," he told SkullGame. "I would not be surprised if the whole country tunes in to get their per annum infusion of filmic depictions of full-blown anal love."

BUSH GIVES THE “OK” ON INDIAN NUCLEAR ARMAMENT IN ROACH-RANCHING RAID MEASURE. TELLS PAKISTAN TO WEAVE RUG, AND SLEEP, TIGHT. JUDGE ROY BEAN REPORTS!!!

“SO ARE Y’ALL THE DOT KIND OR THE FEATHER KIND? AH, SCREW IT… JUST TAKE ME TO THE CORNER OF 34th AND GREGORY, WILL YA THERE GOOD BUDDY? AND IF YOUS CAN FIGURE AWAY TO…I DON’T KNOW…KILL ALL THOSE DAMNED CARPET PILOTS WHILE YOU’RE AT IT…WELL…IT WOULDN’T KEEP MY CATTLE FROM HUMPIN’ OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. OOH LOOK! A GHANDI!”

Islamabad (SkullGame)—PRESIDENT BUSH, seemingly fresh out of bad ideas, gave a speech in New Dehli last week offering support for “Florida-ing up the rules a teensy bit” and pushing for a special exemption from U.S. and international nuclear nonproliferation laws; while also giving Pakistan a “fuck naw, do y’all think I’m crazy? I ain’t givin’ none of y’all camel cowboy motherfuckers special concession..ary…stands...uh…Ya’ll been pissin’ me off for quite some time, y’hear?” when they asked about pies and where they could get theirs.

“Knock, knock. Who’s there? Musharraf? Musharraf who? Musharraf… MY BALLS, motherfuckers. Hahahaha. Okay now, how about this one: Knock, knock. Who’s there? Musharraf? Musharraf who? Musharraf…MY BALLS! Hahaha, got y’all again. Y’all nigras are so stupid.”

Bush argued with himself that the India nuclear deal will strengthen the security and the economies of both nations, stating, “And if it don’t? Well…we don’t really need a sequel to Alladin anyhows. Alladin hates freedom”—a proclamation that made officials at Disney studios reportedly “pretty fucking nervous.”

“Look, I ain’t trying to be a bastard. I actually like some of y’all little firecrackers when your goat-ropin’ asses are sitting in the 7-11 or drivin’ me around town; but this whole jihadi nonsense, and the wipin’ up your bums with your hands bit, just leaves me not trustin’ y’all much. And, really, what’s with the pajama mammas? How are y’all supposed to compete with the Jew dollar when y’all keep your whores all a’lookin’ like bee-keepers?”

UFC 58, IN ADDITION TO COSTING SAL 5 BILLS [ALL SINGLES], HAS DRIVEN HIM TO THE BRINK OF SANITY [A SHORT TRIP IN THE BEST OF CIRCUMSTANCES] AND CAUSED HIM TO COTTON ONTO VEGETARIANISM. CAN HEMP PURSES & BIRKENSTOCKS BE FAR BEHIND?

THE ANSWER IS NO.

LAS VEGAS (SkullGame) -- UFC 58. Canada versus the USA. Yeah. Whatever. RICH FRANKLIN beat a frightened Negro in DAVID LOISEAU, the high Hawaiian BJ PENN lost to the wily French Canuck GEORGE ST. PIERRE, and our own SAL announced, apropos of nothing, "I AM BECOMING A VEGETARIAN...BECAUSE OF MY ANUS." While he claims to have become a vegetarian purely to be able to remind people with great frequency that he's done so because of his anus, we suspect a more hidden hand at work here: the latest and greatest pussy ploy. Either that or total gayness revealed. Time will tell.

AND WHO SAYS THE SYSTEM DON'T WORK?

The mayor of a little coal town and 13 other people were charged Thursday with 269 counts of election fraud and corruption that included trading cigarettes, pork rinds and beer for votes. A grand jury accused the 14 of fixing a 2004 election in Appalachia, a town of about 2,000 in Virginia's rugged southwestern corner. Among those charged were a town councilman and two police officer in an imbroglio that can only be described as "porkrinderfic."

THE BEST OF VCX CLASSICS #2

Brokeback Mountain? Nah. Crash?

Capote? Fuck that. Outtakes from

Debbie Does Dallas?!? Fucking A!!!

255111

blackhole_26

"I SAAAAIIIIDDD: MMGGHHH FHREH MGGE GLUB!!!"

BRIANA BLAZE from FLESH HUNTER 6

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=131446

WELCOME TO THE BIG EASY....

Yo Vinnie,
I'm banging this broad right? Things are going good, I got my crank in her mouth. But whilst she's sucking the log I move to insert "my gentle friend" in her quim. If only. I lose my whole hand in there. And I got big hands. I went through with it but it was like fucking an inner tube. She's calling. I'm ducking. Continue this course of action? Or not? -- J.T., (by email)

"HI. MY NAME IS PAM. AND I AM A FIST-A-HOLIC."

Dear NEIL ARMSTRONG: Well, I gotta go to PERRY the GREEK for this. Despite him thinking I owe him money. Even despite him believing that I'm going to pay him the money he thinks I owe him. But his words here echo long and hard in my mind at this present time: "The highest form of a relationship is a one-night stand." He's Greek. So was Plato. I think that says it all.

Specifically: why WOULD you go back? WHY? WHY? Unless, you did NOT fuck her. In which case you need to go back in order to [why? Because you MUST, that's why. Pussy unfucked = clear and present faggotry]. But if you got in the hole that night, and managed to not fall in, going back would only serve to fire, through the twin crucibles of humiliation and obviation, a hardness of spirit that in the long run would allow you to endure any flesh-based hardship well beyond that of your fellow man.

In the same way that driving red hot nails through your scrotum would, you see?

And I'll save you my usual riposte when a guy complains a woman's pussy being too big ["might it not be that your cock is TOO small?"], and I'll refrain my suggesting you bust a nutski in the ass pocket and just skip straight to the part where you FLEE.

No percentage in doing fucking otherwise.

UNLESS, you're into double vags, that is, sharing quim space with another cock. But that's another gay flick for another day.

NEVER ENDING TEENS

Sin City

Rating: FIVE "Quick. Take This Message To Marathon For Me" BUSTED NUTS

Have you ever wanted to go crazy? That is: willingly wanted to engage in insanely felonious activities for the express purpose of, um, EXPRESSING your inner most self?

Of course, you have.

But you wandered and wondered: how? Goddamn it! How? And from the shadowy incline you see a figure emerge and you have all of the answers to all of your questions.

NEVER ENDING TEENS.

THIS. FOREVER.

Yes. Yes. And while I'm sure that the use of the word TEENS encourages you to laugh in a mistaken belief that this is a HARMLESS word but you'd be wrong. Unbelieveably wrong. And hats right the fuck off to SIN CITY for doing what heretofore had NEVER BEEN DONE....I'm talking about, of course, NEVER ENDING TEENS. You see it's the words "NEVER" and "ENDING" that should have signified and signaled the k-hole of kuntly delights that this vid was about to kick you into because, you see, this movie is TWENTY-FOUR FUCKING HOURS LONG.

In a row.

Did I watch ALL 24? Not without a table full of ketamine, Ecstasy, coke, meth and heroin I did NOT.

Starring, ready? Starring some teens and decidely non-teens like, oh.....

Alaura Eden Alec Metro Alexa Riley Alexis Malone Allysin Chaynes Alyssa Allure Angela Crystal Angelica Sin Anna Belle April Ashley Morgan Ashley Raine Asia Carrera Aurora Snow Austin Starr Barbara Summer Billy Glide Blair Segal Brian Surewood Brick Majors Brittaney Starr Brittney Skye Brooklyn Byron Long Cameron Steele Cassie Courtland Chad Muller Cheyne Collins Chris Cannon Christie Lee Cindy Crawford CortKnee Dale Dabone Dayton Rains Dee Destiny DeVille Dillon Dillon Day Earl Slate Eric Masterson Eric Price Evan Stone Felecia Friday Hillary Scott Ian Daniels J.J. Michaels Jack Hammer James Bonn Jason McCain Jasper Wade Jassie Jennifer Lee Jill Kelly Joey Ray John West Jonathan Morgan Julian St. Jox Kaitlyn Ashley Karina Karina Kay Katie Gold Katja Kean Kayla Marie Kaylani Lei Kayla Page Kaylynn Kelli Jennsen Kenya Keri Sable Kimberly Kane Kurt Lockwood Kyle Stone Lauren Phoenix Lee Stone Lexi Leigh Linda Thoren Lisa Marie Mark Ashley Mark Davis Michelle Michaels Micky Lynn Monika Star Mr. Marcus Natasha Dolling Nikki Lynn Nikko Knight Paige Turner Pat Myne Paul Cox Randy Spears Rich Handsome Sarah Blake Seth Dickens Shanna McCullough Shay Sweet Sledge Hammer Stephanie Swift Steve French Steve Hatcher Steven St. Croix Summer Storm Sunrise Adams Sunshine T.J. Cox T.T. Boy Tanya Danielle Taylor St. Claire Tina Thomas Tommi Rose Trevor Zen Tristan Seagal Vince Voyeur

....this movie is for lunatics only.

Hence: FIVE FUCKING BUSTED NUTS. -- VINNIE ROSE

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/256412.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

MICHAEL STEFANO'S FEELING BLACK #6

Red Light District

Rating: FOUR "Shoe Polish Optional" BUSTED NUTS

World pop culture is increasingly enamored with life as a stereotypical black person. Are you? Have you been contemplating your options? Well, fear not: you don’t need to turn into a wigger to do so.

Just check out FEELING BLACK #6.

SIMONE WEST & A PUNCHLINE ABOUT HER NOT DOING WINDOWS.

What is it like to feel black? Speed skater SHANI DAVIS didn’t have much to say about that after he became the first black athlete ever to win a gold medal in the Olympics, in an event that features only one person, and is in winter, and is on ice, and where the athletes wear skates. He was the first.

We’d ask our favorite chocolate-colored sex actress SIMONE WEST, but she couldn’t deliver a statement, mostly because her mouth was full of bath soap bubbles. And cock. But mostly cock.

JOHN HOWARD GRIFFIN scarred his psyche and eventually ruined his health by taking dangerous medication and sitting under a UV lamp for ages to become black in the South in the 1960s. It wasn’t pretty. For anyone.

We like MICHAEL STEFANO’s approach WAY better. Here, it’s more like feeling UP black... or, FEEL what black is like through osmosis, namely from cock to pussy/ass contact. And while no one knows the long-term effects of poppers, or how it might interact with the kind of meds Stefano takes for his asthma, we’re guaranteeing this method is a lot more fun, too. Especially when it comes to boning super hotties like PINK.

For that matter, just about all the chicks in this movie are worthy of a good stroke, although we do have to call harm AND foul on ALEIA, who does the foreshadowing with the MANUEL FERRARA fingers in her ass, but doesn’t deliver in the end.

I’m not feeling that, dog. –- DJ STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

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HOMEMADE PORN AUDITIONS #2

Hollywood Fuck Factory

Rating: THREE "Not Quite What I Thought, But Still Good" BUSTED NUTS

While the reality of this film does not resemble the title, it is, in fact, still a good compilation fuck flick featuring first time fuckers doing what fuckers do best: FUCK. Or: FUCKING. Or: GETTING FUCKED. OK, so if it isn’t full of homemade porn auditions, what does it have? It has gritty one-camera shots, a couch with a striped sheet and enough fine-ass stupid females to fill up half of a Greyhound Bus.

"UM, WELL, I SEE THIS AS SORT OF A STEPPING STONE TO, UM...WELL..." KRYSTI WATERS PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER. ONE. LOAD. AT A TIME.

Featuring no-name SLUTS GALORE this movie has the look and feel of a guy with a camera, fucking chicks in his living room. And that my friend is probably because that’s exactly what it is: guy plus camera plus stupid bitches in need of quick cash equals a great compilation vid by the guys and gals at the Hollywood Fuck Factory. Love that name by the by: HOLLYWOOD FUCK FACTORY. Isn't that like saying the same thing twice down there?

Yeah. I thought so. -- SAL PACINO

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/258003.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

"JESUS IS GOING TO CUT MY DICK OFF IF'N Y'ALL DON'T DOUBLE SALES," SAYS A CROTCH-CLUTCHING VINNIE ROSE. PLUS: BARRY BONDS CONTINUES WITH TRANNY TRICK. A LITTLE TOO LONG, JESSICA SIMPSON GOES JEW HATER, SAL PACINO SAYS SOMETHING, & RETARDS!!!

"WHAT? You motherfuckers think I'm JOKING?!?! Jesus spoke to me today and, well, I don't remember exactly what he said but I'm pretty goddamned sure that it had to do with the amount of porn you purchase from me and his willingness to not go after my gentles...so BUY bitches. SkullGame t-shirts count too, you heartless bastards!!!!"

AN "ARTIST'S" "DEPICTION" OF MR. ROSE POST-JESUS-COCK CUTTING.

DAY 2 OF THE BARRY BONDS TRANNY WATCH: THE GAYNESS CONTINUES

WHY IS HE THE ONLY ONE SMILING?

SCOTTSDALE (SkullGame) -- Despite everybody having gotten the "joke" the first time, BARRY BONDS has refused to don any clothes but his present wandering transvestite garb and has subsequently managed to push the entire Giants' clubhouse from pleasantly amused to penintentiarily aroused, whilst disturbing San Francisco residents and SkullGame denizens with his whole "hidden penis" trick.

According to Giants' manager Felipe Alou through his Spangalisian translator, "Beisbol been bery bery good to me. And so hast Barry. And hees mouth sex," mimicking the sentiment of the entire management team. Not without detractors, however, celebrity citizen saver EDDIE MURPHY was reported to have said, "I seen better."

JESSICA SIMPSON'S ETERNAL OPPOSITE DAY OF THE SPOTLESS MIND MOMENT: "EVERYBODY'S ALWAYS OUT TO GET ME." LEAVING OUT THE PART WHERE SHE ADDS "...TO BLOW THEM." WHICH IS, PROBABLY, LARGELY TRUE.

NO. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO QUESTION, THAT WE HAVE, REGARDING WHERE THE LOAD MIGHT GO.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Loadstress and "Singer" JESSICA SIMPSON is convinced people are "out to get" her "to blow them," and has blasted the press for linking her to her Dukes of Hazzard co-star JOHNNY KNOXVILLE last year.

Simpson has spoken out for the first time about the "cruel" press reports about Knoxville, which helped fuel "rumor's" her marriage was in trouble. She says, "It's so cruel and I just try not to let it affect me, whatever everybody was thinking about me. If I did, I don't think I'd be here now."

To which the assembled SkullGame writers began making humping, jerking off, and sucking motions, with SAL PACINO quickly abandoning the non-verbal for a clever riposte from the press gallery of "KILL YOURSELF."

"Look," said the semen-stained strumpet, "I can't save anything from being talked about because then it becomes this game, and it's not a fun game. I just feel like everybody's always out to get me, and that's a weird feeling."

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Make with the suction, the Playboy spreads and the eventual "unauthorized" video release of you rabidly attacking the ass of your gay ex-husband with your tonguel lick stick, baby.

“LOAD THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SWALLOWED” TAKEN LITERALLY AS KANSAS CITY COUPLE UTILIZE BOTCHED REPRODUCTION EXPERIMENTS AND DISCOVER MINDFUL ALTERNATIVE TO DAY-TIME TELEVISION IN RETARD CULTIVATION RING.

AN ARTISTIC RENDITION OF A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A MASS-TRANSIT COMMUTER, NAMELY JUDGE ROY BEAN, COMPLETE WITH THE “OH FUCK” AND “PLEASE DON’T SIT NEAR ME” INTERNAL MONOLOGUES THAT LOOP ENDLESSLY FOR THE FIRST 1 _ HRS OF EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN DAY.

Kansas City (SkullGame)—Retard farmers Diane and David Petersohn announced on Valentine's Day that they “couldn’t wait to adopt another one of God’s little ha-ha’s”, claiming “in a day of widespread global famine and gross overpopulation, seven retarded ass kids just aren’t enough—so in the name of even-ing up their special little basketball team, we’re going to adopt another waterhead because, y’know, Life Goes On was a really swell show and shit; and as long as you leave the stickers on the Rubix cube and buy a copy of Dr. Mario…well…they kinda raise themselves. Indefinitely.”

“Fuck yeah, I hope it’s one of those ‘fightin’ retards’, not one of those pesky ‘feedin’ retards’ like the rest of our litter”, David Petersohn told SkullGame reporters. “They’re all just such a bunch of little miracles.”

“They are kinda like plants, you know? Stupid, stupid, stupid fuckin’ plants”, Diane interjected.

The couple, who surprisingly don’t work jobs due to the “full-time burden of constantly hiding our Elmer’s glue”, supposedly not from each other, state that their intentions are pure and not having to order pay-per-view events is just a fringe benefit of being altruists “just mildly interested in starting our own traveling circus.”

The cause of Down Syndrome isn’t exactly known, but the Petersohns contest that it has absolutely nothing to do with drinking during pregnancy or stupid people fucking…

[A quick note from JUDGE ROY BEAN]

“Very rarely am I sorry, let alone sorry in the act of, but I simply cannot continue this article, for I’ve offended my own sense of justice and thus fear what lies behind every corner as being a possible repercussion to what even I will label as deplorable behavior on my part. In the past week I have taken hard drugs, slept with a married woman, and shit almost exclusively in the neighboring office bathroom; and for all of this I am decidedly not fucking sorry at all.

Best,
JUDGE ROY BEAN”

SAL PACINO'S GUIDE TO MODERN MANNERS. AND PUSSY. BUT MOSTLY PUSSY, IN "I Spell Pussy T-E-X-T!"

WE'RE UNDERAGE REHAB SLUTS & WE'RE TEXTING THE POLICE. SEE YOU SOON SKULLGAME!!!

A text message, unlike a phone call, can be as brief and intimate as a kiss on the ear or as long and profound as a fart in the back seat of your car with the windows rolled up.

As far as getting one's point across, no fuss, no muss, the text is definitely the way to go in this high tech slide-your-pants-down age we live in. With more and more people meeting via online bulletin board and Internet dating services, the game has a whole new wrinkle: telephone text messages.

Rules to getting pussy via text message:

1. ASK FOR PUSSY: You have no idea how many people will beat around the bush, so to speak, sending endless amounts of texts back and forth; remember, if you wanted to play these kind of games you would have called her.

2. BE BRIEF: Do not be too tempted to go into too great a detail as to what, where or how you plan to do things; she might object to some inconsequential thing you listed and before you know it, you remain sans pussy.

3. HAVE HER CALL IF SHE IS INTERESTED: If her phone call does not start with the phrase “go fuck yourself!” or “my brother is going to fuck you up!” it is smooth sailing and get ready to board the vagina train.

4. PREPARE FOR THE BACKLASH: This is actually my favorite part, I like to equate to throwing a rock in a crowd of people; once you let it go…anything can happen, and will.

ALL FUN & GAMES UNTIL YOUR CAR FUCKS YOU...

A man showing off his OnStar system in his Cadillac Escalade found out the system worked too well. Ralph A. Gomez, 38, was being held Wednesday on $15,000 bond on charges of possession of an illegal narcotic within 1,000 feet of a church and possession of drug paraphernalia. Gomez was showing off his OnStar system to his girlfriend, but the volume was set so low that he couldn't hear the OnStar operator. OnStar comes on many new General Motors vehicles and allows a customer to contact an OnStar representative in an emergency or to get directions. If there is no response, OnStar contacts police. That's what happened with Gomez on Friday night, Tom Clements, a spokesman for the St. Augustine Police Department said.

blackhole_41

THE PALM, THE LEOPARD PRINT, SHIT.

WE LOVE THEM JUNGLE BITCHES

AMEE DONOVAN from FLESH HUNTER 4

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=106248

ASIAN CREAMPIES #1

5th Element

Rating: FOUR "Fire In The Hole" BUSTED NUTS

The cover promises "seven Asian pussies dripping cum" and the back cover charitably puts faces to the names: we see the grinning mugs of Thai bar sluts MUK, DUAN, JENNY, PIN, NUCH, NOON, and M.

"HEY, BOY. YOU ME SUCKATOI? CHOW CHOW, CHILLY? CHAKA KHAN. CHAKA KHAN."

M's name is economic, and her scene is even briefer: it ain't fucking here. So a more apt cover description would be "six Asian pussies dripping cum" or, perhaps, "I was too busy dropping loads in holes to bother with this work shit. Got a problem with that, fucktit?"

Any buyer would. But less of a problem than the six wretches now saddled with TONY PORNO'S offspring and no legal system to pilfer TONY for child support. Which, in fact, means TONY PORNO is a goddamn genius!!!

His load-dropping skills aside, this's amateur porn: first time girls, not jaded to the routines, but also lacking the professionalism of knowing the routines -- that goes both ways in making shit good.

It's all produced by one-man-band, the aforementioned TONY PORNO: director/cameraman/load-dropper and, alas, man-asser. Indeed, this flick serves up the single worst instance of man-ass I've had the horror of witnessing. TONY positions the camera behind him, jumps on the girl, the thrusting moves her up the bed...and forfucksake, we're "treated," dead center screen, to a frightening apparition of male buttock. For a minute that feels like a lifetime.

Giant technical glitches (missing scene, man-ass) apart, this one's a winner. Hot Thai hoes getting plowed for cash so they can buy mom a new cow. -- MR. XTRA

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/255671.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

TOP HEAVY REDHEAD: LISA DE LEEUW

Alpha Blue Archives

Rating: FIVE "Like Coming Home Again. Emphasis On Coming." BUSTED NUTS

OK. First things first: she's dead.

Second thing: despite the name and her repeated claims of Dutch heritage her real last name was fucking TREGO. Which makes her a rarity: a redheaded Latin (either Eyetalian or Spanishish).

And finally: she died from AIDS.

Which in our mind makes this even better. It's like watching Schindler's List or something. That is, better to see there than BE there. In any case she was/is great. The kind of rack that only comes from cocaine, Studio 54, and unprotected loads. No fucking jogging, yoga, pilates, big giant rubber beach balls upon which to go all Bikram on your inner Chakra. Just Earth Shoes and suckjobs on dirty mattresses in apartments overlooking 42nd street.

NOTHING CAN SOFTEN THE HAMMER & COFFIN. WELL, EXCEPT MAYBE LOADS.

And what makes it even better, and I feel fag for even saying this, but what makes it even better is that she showed us the great promise of what these flicks could be cuz she could ACT. I mean imagine if you were watching, say, Kramer Vs. Kramer, some 70s movies about angry Jews and in the movie midst MERYL STREEP just started sucking sausage very much like sausage sucking was going out of style? Let's see Academy Award Winner Streep try to pull that off!

No. Seriously. I mean it. Let's see it. Anytime now, babe. You ain't getting any younger.

Anyways, with her milky complexion (not one of my typical faves) and her absolutely pendulous and pulchritudinal pa-nay nays and her diving into the spirit of fuck like only a dead, coked out whore can do, I think it has to be said that she has NO equal and this flick despite the damning and disturbing presence of RON JEREMY is so good. Sooooooo good.

How good? COKERIFIC-kind-of-good!

Yeah. It's THAT fucking good. -- VINNIE ROSE

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/113926.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

BIG WET ASSES #7

Elegant Angel

Rating: THREE & A HALF "Flags At Half-Mast" BUSTED NUTS

Ladies and gentlemen, a moment of silence, please.

Thank you.

We are honoring the passing of KINZIE KENNER's natural breasts. Small, but eminently delicious, and in proportion to the woman’s build, they have now been replaced with wall-eyed round things whose laws of physics apply only to another planet. A SkullGame nation mourns.

And especially coming off her scintillating, soul-satisfying performance in LI'L RED RIDING SLUT, Kenner looks tired and strung out. It’s a tragedy, leaving the young woman’s anal legacy limited only to her depiction of a timeless childhood icon that takes phallic objects in her ass.

FRIEND OF LOAD [FOL] FLOWER TUCCI GETTING READY TO MAKE SOME MORE FRIENDS.

But life goes on. NAOMI is helping to dry the tears, and seeing FLOWER TUCCI suck a load (and another... and... ANOTHER) with a cock in her butt is decent balm. Having Uncle Fenster’s illegitimate relation, GIA JORDAN, still lurking around, is not.

But it’s a Big Wet Asses flick, which begs the question, “just how wet ARE the asses, anyway? Is it like the vomit-inducing sludge fest that original director Zupko mired his later versions of the series in? If so, no thanks.”

Rest assured, the lube flows, but no one needs to be thrown a life preserver. –- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/254607.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

PHAT AZZ WHITE GIRLS #10

West Coast Productions

Rating: TWO "Well, At Least Their Azzez Are Phat" BUSTED NUTS

I am always willing to admit that, just because I don’t like something, doesn't mean it's not any good.

There's no accounting for taste, as the old saying goes, and I'm a magnanimous enough individual to realize that my opinion isn't fact, and neither is the next guy's. But this is all just a bit too much.

SHE CAIN'T SPELL, SHE'S WHITE AND SHE HAS NO PENIS. PUUURRRRRFFFEECCCCTTT!!!

Please note that the following do not get me off:

1) more thigh and ass cottage cheese than a farmland dairy,

2) bitches who think they want it up the ass, but when they get it, twist into facial expressions that obviously say otherwise,

3) mudflaps that hang down past where the ass meets the thigh,

4) meat curtains that hang down past where the ass meets the thigh.

This flick, curiously, has all of those things.

It should be said that I AM a fan of the "donkey," the substantial ass, the little something extra to hold on to when I really go diggin' in the guts garden, and to be truthful, one or two of these girls are okay: juicy asses—or "azzez"—that aren't flabby, nice tits, yadda yadda. I might, after a few too many whiskeys, take 'em home from a bar and check their fluids.

But as a sober man with a remote control in hand, I'm hitting the fast-forward button more than phat-azzed girls hit the dessert cart. -– MAXIMUM

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/216099.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

blackhole_94

YOU DREAM ABOUT FUCKING ME, DONCHA?

AND I WILL FUCK ANYONE, WON'T I?

JUST NOT YOU. SO HOW'S THAT TASTE?

TIFFANY MYNX from ASS WORSHIP #5

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=137357

OH. YEAH. HEEEEEE'S GAY, ALRIGHT!!! WE KNOW

Jason Reitman says a projection error not Tom Cruise was responsible when a Katie Holmes' sex scene was missing during a screening of her upcoming movie, "Thank You for Smoking," at the Sundance Film Festival. "I was sitting there in the theater, the scene was missing, and my immediate thought was, 'Oh my God, Fox cut the scene out of my movie,'" Reitman told AP Radio in an interview. "And then I realized, 'No, if it's at the end of the reel, the projector probably just accidentally cut it out.'"
Some blamed Cruise, Holmes' fiance, speculating that he had pressured Reitman, son of "Ghost Busters" director Ivan Reitman, to remove the scene. "That's a fun story. I'd read that story. The problem is that it's not true," Reitman said. "The problem with `projection error' is that it's the truth but it sounds like a lie. It sounds an awful lot like `wardrobe malfunction.'"