skull_weblog

BARRY BONDS STOOPS TO CONQUER. AND DROP TROU. WHILE WEARING A DRESS. A GAY DRESS. SPEAKING OF GAY: GEORGE MICHAEL CAUGHT WITH SOMETHING OTHER THAN COCK IN HIS MOUTH, STEVE JOBS NOT SO LUCKY. AND WE'RE THROUGH WIT PUSSIES THAT SMELL LIKE PEE!

BUT first this message from WHATTHEFUCKULOOKINGAT? condoms. The condoms to be had when you're having more than fucking fun.

YOZA SWEARS TO GOD HE'S FINISHED WITH GIRLS WHOSE PUSSIES SMELL LIKE PEE. APPARENTLY CHEESE ASS IS FINE THOUGH.

AS IF BASEBALL WASN'T GAY ENOUGH: THE SPECTRE OF COCK&BALL-SEEK, AL JOLSON & ALL THE STEROIDS, ER, MEDICINAL CREAM YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT.

DIVINE BROWN?!? IS THAT YOU?!?!

SCOTTSDALE (SkullGame) -- When BARRY BONDS is inducted into the Hall of Fame, his plaque will include this inspirational entry:

"On Feb. 28, 2006, Bonds appeared on the Giants' spring practice field in drag, wearing a wig, a skirt and a halter top supported by falsies, after fellating several of his teammates. Rob Schneider, a comedian of the era, called him 'Scary Bonds,' after Bonds fellated him. Children wept. At the fellating. Grown men gouged their eyes out. After having been fellated by the champion. Teammates hooted. After being fellated a second time by a winded Future Hall of Famer. Three asked for his phone number. Bonds, known to be surly to the media, threatened bodily harm to any cameraman who attempted to film his legs from the knees up. Right after he fellated them."

It was a most un-Bonds moment on the most un-Giants-like day in, like, forever. The daylong fellatio hootenanny was a departure for a Giants clubhouse that in recent years has been as fun-loving as a day at the DMV. Without the blowjobs. This team had a serious chemistry problem last year, namely the lack of any. This spring, the Giants have done a 180, though. The clubhouse has become a fellatio funhouse, "a night-day difference from 2005," said visibly relaxed catcher Mike Matheny.

APPLE'S STEVE "BLOW" JOBS DENIES THE COCAINE RUMORS, TRIES TO EXPLAIN AWAY THE NICKNAME SOME OTHER WAY; SKULLGAME WRITER, MAXIMUM, AIN'T BUYING IT.

"THIS IS THE highPOD. IT'S VERY GOOD FOR, UM...WHAT WAS THE QUESTION AGAIN?"

CUPERTINO (SkullGame) -– Apple Computers' STEVE JOBS announced today that the home computing pioneer will soon launch new software and firmware for the market-leading iPod device, called xPod, that will download and play adult film content in the iPod format.

Shocked and titillated press members could barely contain themselves as Jobs used a projector to preview the kinds of media that xPod will be penetrating the market with. From high quality, full-length films to gigabytes upon gigabytes of pictures in any number of image file formats, the xPod update promises to make a lot of iPod users very happy.

Not everyone is thrilled, however. San Francisco MUNI police officer Ramone "Ray-Ray" Vegaz says that he, his partners and their commanders are worried about the deep impact that xPod will have on their day jobs. "It's bad enough that these 'Pod-people' already can't hear me when I ask them to see a transfer," laments Officer Vegaz, "but now I gotta worry about catching these sick fucks jerking off at the Powell Station on their way to work? I didn't sign up for that shit...When do those go on sale?"

California State Highway Patrolman Donald "Deke" Dowarsky is also worried. "A lot of people use iPods to listen to music in their vehicles now," explains Dowarsky from his patrol cruiser as he monitors traffic from the parking lot of the In 'N' Out burger in Daly City. "Problem is, they're going to start watching pornographic content as they drive, which will undoubtedly cause an increased amount of traffic incidents on our highways. Highway safety dictates that that something like that only be used in a vehicle that is stationary and non-operational...like this vehicle, right now."

Apple plans a whole line of accompanying xPod products, including exclusive iTunes adult film downloads, Apple-sponsored adult film technology consumer shows, special video-monitor eye-wear for low-profile public viewing, and Apple/The Body Shop co-branded lotion and handi-wipes.

“WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO”, AS GEORGE MICHAEL DETAINED, ONCE AGAIN, FOR SUSPICION OF BEING A HOMO WHILE HIGH. TAKES ARREST ON CHIN—JUST AS JUDGE ROY BEAN FIGURED HE WOULD.

AND HERE WE HAVE ONE GEORGE MICHAEL, TAKING MIMICRY TO A TOTALLY INTOLERABLE LEVEL BY PORTRAYING FRED DURST IN AN UPCOMING “MAN ON MAN” AFTER-SCHOOL SPECIAL WHERE A YOUNG WIGGER COMES TO TERMS WITH HIS BURGEONING HOMOSEXUALITY AND TAKES TO THE MALL TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT.

London (SkullGame)—Former WHAM frontman and total fucking Greek fag GEORGE MICHAEL [which is like saying the same thing three times] was arrested on Sat. evening on suspicion of being a homo while high, a claim that was substantiated the moment police approached the suspect slumped in his car, finding him “utterly enthralled with our ‘staches and Serengetti’s, like we was poofters or some bollocks--all campin’ us up. He was especially taken with Liam’s here’s bike knickers and pony—which we were obliged to inform ‘im was, indeed, a bloody stallion. This calmed ‘im down not a cunt-hair”, Officer Martin Beckham relayed to AP reporters in an official press statement Sun. morning.

“It was the gayest shite I’ve seen since the last time I saw two blokes a’ shagging. Fuckin’ Hell, this cunt was all calling us ‘fabulous’, and he bloody near queered ‘imself on Liam’s leg fore we could beat the piss out of ‘im, put ‘is Jackson Pollocks back in ‘is trousers, and drop the J in ‘is fuckin’ Audi. We knew he was jaked, arse over elbow, but the second Liam here tried to put the cuffs on ‘im the bloody jobby jabber pulled out ‘is jap’s eye and started a’ wankin’ at us.”

When reached for comment, Michael said: “It was my fault. Sorry about that. Thought it was my birthday. Biggest regret of my life and shit.”

Michael was charged with possession of a Class C substance, and is in danger of losing his license due to the crime--his driver's license, that is, not his license to be a homosexual, which is seemingly irrevocable despite many best efforts.

The pop star and reported “only male in history to not try to fuck CINDY CRAWFORD when standing in the same room as her, naked at that” has been ordered to follow-up with court officials and undergo possible drug rehabilitation and sexual reorientation therapy when he returns to court sometime next month, where he is scheduled to resume beating off in front of authorities while stretching his 15 min. by any means necessary.

SKULLGAME'S MIDDLE EAST COVERAGE CONTINUES: PLAYER-HATING EXTREME: WHY JILL CARROLL MUST DIE [HINT: MOVIE RIGHTS], AXL ROSE'S CHILDREN'S BOOK: MY FIRST ARAB ENEMY, KATIE HOLMES & CHARLIZE DANCING WITH THE STARS IN TIGRIS, JEWEL OF EUPHRATES!

BUT first this first edition of the HATERADE, a telethon for the perpetually disgruntled as they discuss...

REPORTER JILL CARROLL: BETTER DEAD OR ALIVE?

USING HER SPECIAL "CLOAK OF INVISIBILITY," TWO TRIANGLES & A CIRCLE, JILL CARROLL JUMPS TO LEVEL 2: MILLION DOLLAR BOOK DEAL & MULTIPLE OPRAH APPEARANCES

VINNIE ROSE

I say, DEAD. She lives through this and we gotta hear from her every time someone in Iraq farts for the next 45 fucking years. Whereas if she dies, well maybe it'll discourage young broads everywhere from taking the pussy away to wheres we can't get ahold of it.

SAL PACINO

Oh DEAD. Definitely. Because I happen to know for a fucking FACT that she ain't bought nothing from SkullGame in just about, um, forever. This is tantamount to an open declaration of war and this too will not stand!

STEELY ROB

Yes. Um. Well, you see. I'm really not so, um, strong on the whole soap opera thing. So I'm going to have to pass on this one.

JUDGE ROY BEAN

Not only do I say DEAD, but I say that we taunt her mercilessly before she dies. What the fuck was she doing in Headchopistan anyway? Oh, that's right: NOT fucking me. Jesus. Look, at least she's BEEN to Iraq. I ain't been NOWHERE.

MR. XTRA

Oh. I don't want her to die. No. Noooo...look at that gently tousled hair. Those bedroom eyes. That wonderfully cockeyed grin. If she lives I'm sure she and I would have a wonderful time together: talking about the Hamptons, what to do with the money from the book, TV and films deals, and whether or not I like my fellatio better laying down. Or standing up. It'll be great.

TUNE IN WEDNESDAY FOR THE FINALLY IRAQI TALLY ON REPORTER JILL CARROLL: BETTER DEAD OR ALIVE?

COCKSUCKING TRANNY, IN A WEIRD REVERSAL OF FORTUNE, GOES BACK TO CLEANING THE STREETS OF SCUM, AFTER HIS ARREST, THE ONLY WAY HE KNOWS HOW...

TWO QUEENS, $20, AND A HOLLYWOOD HUMMER. NOW THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT!!!

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Director LEE TAMAHORI must clean the streets of Hollywood as part of his probation deal for criminal trespass charges. The 55-year-old pleaded no contest after he was arrested in Los Angeles last month for approaching an undercover cop and offering to perform a sex act for money, while dressed as a woman.

As punishment, the New Zealander was placed on probation for three years, ordered to attend an AIDS education course and given 15 hours community service, taking part in a program to help clean up Hollywood. One suckjob at a time. Frank Matelijan, a spokesman for the Los Angeles City Attorney's office, says, "It is a project where convicts clean the streets in Hollywood and paint out graffiti. Or suck loads. Copious amounts."

Tamahori's lawyer Mark Geragos says, "He's pleased with the outcome, and he's back at work."

In-fucking-dubitably.

HAVING LEARNED EVERYTHING SHE NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT CLOSETED HOMOSEXUALITY, KATIE HOLMES LEAVES COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY

THE "HAPPY" "COUPLE" "ENJOYING" A "PRIVATE" "MOMENT" IN THE MIDDLE OF CENTRAL PARK. WHERE, UM, IT'S VERY "PRIVATE".

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Mom-to-be KATIE HOLMES has given up on her education eight years after she was accepted by prestigious Columbia University.

Proof positive of that is the fact that she's betrothed to TOM "I'm Not Gay" CRUISE and was forced to defer her further education at Columbia back in 1998 when she landed a role in the hit TV show Dawson's Creek.

Holmes has been deferring her admission annually ever since, but last week her father called the college withdrawing his daughter's name, according to entertainment news Web site www.gayasthedayislong.com.

CHARLIZE THEORN TRIES TO PUT THE WHOLE GAY STEPHAN JENKINS THING BEHIND HER WITH SEXY NEW AD CAMPAIGN

WONDER WHAT THAT MAN MEAT MAVEN JENKINS EVER SAW IN HER.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Oscar nominee CHARLIZE THERON is set to raise temperatures in a provocative new TV ad for Dior's J'Adore perfume -- by taking off her clothes.

Whatever.

ELLEN BARKIN LOOKING FORWARD TO LIVING LIFE LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE, LIKE DONALD TRUMP, OR SOMETHING, AFTER GETTING $20 MIL IN DIVORCE FROM BILLIONAIRE WILY JEW

"I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO, YOU KNOW, HAVING MY OWN STAFF OF 20, UM, COOK ME AN EGG. YOU KNOW. LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE." THE CROSS-FAITH COUPLE IN HAPPIER TIMES.

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Actress ELLEN BARKIN reportedly received $20 million in her quickie divorce from billionaire Ron Perelman. The Revlon boss, 62, and Barkin, 51, reportedly ended their marriage on February 14, only a month after Perelman served Barkin divorce papers, according to the New York Daily News.

Barkin and Perelman signed a pre-nuptial agreement before their June 2000 wedding. The newspaper claims Perelman has lost $118 million in settlements with his first three wives, Faith Golding, Claudia Cohen and Patricia Duff.

SKULLGAME BUS DRIVER OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO...

A transit bus driver grabbed a woman by the hair, knocked her head into a pole, opened the door and tossed her into traffic after she yelled at him for missing her stop, police said. The 52-year-old woman, who was not identified, suffered a broken shoulder. Bus driver Mario Edney, 53, was arraigned Thursday on aggravated assault and other charges, said Officer Jillian Russell, a police spokeswoman. He was being held on $2,000 bail. Edney said he had to skip the woman's stop Wednesday morning because of a detour, police said. Transit officials intend to fire Edney, who has been suspended without pay, following a hearing, said Richard Maloney, a spokesman for the Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority.

blackhole_14

THE WORLD'S GREATEST FUCKING BAR

DEMI MARX from FLESH HUNTER #5

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=122817

JONNI DARKKO'S TROPHY WHORES

Evil Angel

Rating: THREE "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems" BUSTED NUTS

When I first looked at this release I was sure that I was going to encounter a lot of bullshit; as I’ve fucked around with enough women that could be dubbed trophy whores to know that their existence is 5% fucking/95% a bunch of shit I don’t give a fuck about. So why should it be any different on the picture box?

NADIA STYLES. JUST WAITING FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT WITHIN WHICH TO: FORGET HER FUCKING WALLET RIGHT AFTER YOU'VE DUSTED OFF A $500 BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AT WOLFGANG PUCKS.

I braced myself for all things extraneous and…well…worthless by my standards. MAC makeup is great, or so I hear, but hanging out at the fucking Nordstrom while some faggot paints your eyes “fuschia” is about as worth “it” to me as just going out and buying “it” elsewhere and actually getting some farting space in my goddamn bed at the end of the night.

Yes, TROPHY WHORES are only real objects of lust when somebody else is footing the bill. Early 30’s married architect bitches who spend the night at my apartment on Friday and chafe my cock so bad that I still can’t bring myself to walk outside the house come this here Sunday night, while I eat Sorreno’s pizza and watch porn and smoke pot and drink Pilsner Urquell and wish that it didn’t hurt to beat off because it was THAT FUCKING GOOD that I’d like to revisit it, albeit alone? Great. Daughters of prominent world politicians that burn candles on my hi-fi record player because, in their mind, $600 dollars isn’t anything to get upset about and then act like it’s somehow not my right to fuck their mouths as I please even though I pay for the goddamn MTV and the Vuitton handbag? Not so fucking much, my friends.

But I suppose I should calm the fuck down, because the only thing this video portrays these unique little snowflakes as being is whores. And, amazingly enough, there is no depiction of just how intolerable these whores really are outside of the sack. In fact, this entire DVD is devoid of even the introductory interviews where they try to make you believe that they do this for the fucking of it all and not the cold hard cash. Indeed, each scene foregoes the “hellos” and gets right to the sex—which is something I can appreciate a hell of a lot more than…uh…talking…and whatever else it is that rich broads do.

This being said, Trophy Whores is still not exactly my speed. It’s a little slick and hard to empathize with. These bitches are perfect, and while I can pull “good looking” a majority of the time…well…I ain’t going to lie. I don’t even KNOW bitches that look this good that upclose.

And this is probably a good thing. For them. For me. For everyone potentially involved. -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/249618new.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

MONDO EXTREME DOUBLE FEATURE: BUN IN THE OVEN/PRETTY PREGNANT & PORKED

Shooting Star

Rating: ONE or FIVE "Depending On Where You Stand" BUSTED NUTS

WHY?!?!? WHY?!?! WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?!?!?

And now I'm trembling, wiping a mixture of mucus and tears from my face and eyes, which are now stinging from hot tears of bitter recrimination. And after awhile I start to cool down, the sobs now racking a little deeper and a little more slowly until it resolves itself into a sigh.

And I move on to the next clip and the whole process starts again: the semi-turgid cock. The fully erect one, and finally a load grimly winging its way out of my body and...

NEXT STOP: NEVER-ENDING SEXLESS MISERY. ALL ABOARD!!!

WHY?!?!? WHY?!?! WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?!?!?

And now I'm trembling, wiping a mixture of mucus and tears from my face and eyes, which are now stinging from hot tears of bitter recrimination. And after awhile I start to cool down, the sobs now racking a little deeper and a little more slowly until it resolves itself into a sigh.

For two hours. Make that TWO hours.

You ever fuck a pregnant woman? Yeah, well I have. It ain't so much bad. Especially if she's YOUR pregnant woman and you've resolved yourself to those impending income issues, crap-filled diapers and her ceasing to fuck you forever more after your spawn is spewed. Even if she's NOT your pregnant woman it's cool. In fact, it's even better since it's your neighbors income issues, crap-filled diapers and her ceasing to fuck him while she scoots to fuck you. It's what we call: IDEAL.

HOWEVER, seeing it here for TWO HOURS plunges you head long into things you'd probably just as soon not think about: their fucked up kids lead piping you in 15 years for your car keys, fetal alcohol poisoning, the after effects of meth on the unborn, and beyond that: the fuckees' varicose veins, swollen feet, distended tits, wrecked futures and state school systems that breed failure and uselessness.

And then...the cock, enemy that it is, betrays you and you find yourself again pulling pud. And crying. Mostly crying.

The beauty of life's cycle.

Whatever. -- VINNIE ROSE

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/81079.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

ASS CREAM PIES #8

Anabolic

Rating: FOUR "Wow! You Can Really Taste The Ass!" BUSTED NUTS

The fear of carbs has come and gone. Now the wind has swung the polar opposite way and they’ve got books touting the consumption of 20 slices of bread per day to get thin. Trust us, weight loss fans, listen to our advice. We won’t steer you wrong.

Ass is the new Atkins.

HILLARY SCOTT. A CUM CRUMPETTE. THAT IS: A BUN UPON WHICH TO SMEAR SMEGMA, ALEX.

That’s right. A diet of ass will do wonders for your figure AND your sex life. There’s one problem, though: acclimating yourself to the taste.

Therein lies the game. Kale is about the best vegetable you can eat, but have you tasted it? Yeah. Ditto with ass. The way around it? Ass cream pies.

Have you got your grandma’s recipe for ass cream pie? No? Use ours.

Take a fine lookin’ dash of COURTNEY CUMMZ, two cups of pre-tattoo-horror SAANA, and a teaspoon of the indispensable anal ingredient HILLARY SCOTT (a little goes a long way). Insert hard cock and stir.

Keep stirring. And stirring. Don’t let the mix get too rare. Monitor this with generous application of lubricant. Strawberry or peach is a favorite to help mask the taste.

You’ll know the warm, soft crust is done when you insert the load. Don’t let cool and enjoy. –- JULIA STEELY ROB CHILD

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/251975new.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

VINCE VOUYER’S YOUNG RIPE MELLONS #8

Well, I hope to God it ain't Vince's

tits they're talking about. I mean

he's a good guy, but we got our

limits, goddamn it.

249768

JOKE. HA...HA....A THREESOME. GET IT?

Yo Vinnie,
I jokingly mentioned to my boyfriend that maybe we should bring one of my chronically non-dating, but pretty girfriends in as a third. Now he can't talk about anything else and it's sort of causing a problem. How do I get myself out of this hole without fucking things up more -- Put Foot In It, (by email)

I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T ENJOY THIS AT ALL...BUT HOW?!?! HOW?!?!?

Dear Ms. Scholls: What a dirty piece of shit you are. What a dirty, dirty piece of shit. "JOKINGLY." OK, lemme try this JOKING thing on for size. How about this? I'm thinking of using your IP address to figure out where you live so I can show up at your house with several thieving Negroes, and my cock, to teach you a lesson about the finer points of not waving red flags at bulls.

How's that sound? Funny? At all, Ms. Garner? No?

I didn't fucking think so.

Look, you entrapped this poor fool who foolishly went for the ol' "do you think Sally is cute?" dodge and now you want to know how to undo the damage done and otherwise get outta giving good on the whole Two Snatch thing? OK, OK, lemme calm down. OK. This is what you do: kill yourself. A permanent solution to a temporary problem which, in your case, permanently solves the temporary problem of your boyfriend being stuck with a cock teasing whore like yourself.

Thanks for asking.

THE BEST OF VCX CLASSICS #2

VCX

Rating: FIVE "Hunh? Wha? Who?!?!" BUSTED NUTS

You ever hang around someone with ADD?

Hunh?

Anyways, have you ever noticed how you can skin grapes and they don't even come close to tasting the same?

Wha?

Eggs are good food.

Who?

ST. MELINDA!!!

THIS NIGGARDLY SNAPPED FILM STILL DOESN'T COME ANYWHERE CLOSE TO CLOSING IN ON WHAT A COMPLETE COCONUT VAMPIRE THE EARLY BAMBI WOODS WUZ. JEEEESSSSSSUUUUSSSS...

Now if you're one of those guys with 900 fucking channels AND satellite radio you have no idea how the rest of the world withOUT 900 channels can maintain a conversation or a consistent chain of thought for more than the time it takes to change a channel. Or in this instance DROP A LOAD.

That's what these BEST OF comps is like. Well, either that or a casino in Vegas where you keep telling yourself that the next one holds the key. I mean the one right after that. I mean...wait wait wait...and 30 nuts later, you're wondering where your day, cash and cooze has all disappeared to.

Except in this instance we're talking about primo ginch in the anal annals of porntopia. I mean ANNETTE HAVEN, BAMBI WOODS, SEKA, and TAIJA RAE. If you're over 35 you know what the fuck we mean. If you're under 35 you're wondering what the fuck we're talking about.

Well, wonder no more.

Monkeypunch!

Who?

Exactly.

Set ups from the late 70s, 80s and 90s when porn was knee-deep in Mob ownership, money laundering, and narcotic abuse. Wha? Anyways, the coolest thing about this shit is fucking that still carries a sense of transgression and you can't help feel it when Bambi gets dicked down by who the fuck is it? R. BOLLA? In the sporting goods store? You can't help thinking about him respecting her in the morning or some wack ass shit like.

Add in the TRACI LORDS interpreter, TAIJA RAE and you have a very very very beat up cock. An hour later.

Hunh? -- VINNIE ROSE

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/255111.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

ANDREW BLAKE'S NIGHT TRIPS #1

Caballero

Rating: FIVE "This One's For The Lunatics That Ain't Here" BUSTED NUTS

Oh man. My hand, controlled by forces greater than the force that usually controls my hand, drives it toward NIGHT TRIPS. Like a bad drug. [Cue wavy fucking lines that signifies a flashback.] Standing in a Tenderloin apartment. Windows have been painted black. Red lightbulbs. The cat's going blind. You could grow mushrooms in here.

TORI WELLES SANS FLEAS, SCALPELS, AND LUNATIC LIMEYS.

The Brit standing in front of me has a scalpel in his hand. He's talking.

"So the fucking cat. You see, the CAT, has got fleas. FLEAS. And they get all over me. See them?!?! See them?!?!?" And, of course you can't because you can NEVER see them. Especially not under the present lighting conditions. "So I went to the doctor and stole THIS...." It was lidocaine. Think novocaine. "And I inject it. INTO MY COCK." Uh oh. "So that I can get them off!!!"

Note to all: NEVER ask questions.

"How do you get them off?"

And he started spastically fumbling with his zipper as I start eyeing potential escape routes. He waves the scalpel at his withered and scarred cock."I CUT THEM OFF!!!" And he proceeds to start slicing at "the fleas" on his cock. I tell him I don't see them. He eyes the ax that for some reason is on his floor. I leave as quickly as possible. But not before he's shoved NIGHT TRIPS into my hand. Within a month he's dead from an intentional drug overdose.

[Cue wavy fucking lines that signify end of a flashback.]

This movie is like that. Except it features exceptional fucking, sucking and the hot-assed TORI WELLES engaged in the same. The plot? Some shit to do with a mind machine that scientists have developed to turn dreams into reality. Whatever. My loads give it 5 nuts up. -- VINNIE ROSE

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/15054.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

TEENS WITH TITS #6

Diabolic

Rating: THREE & A HALF "Rules To Live By" BUSTED NUTS

There are three cardinal rules around SkullGame – adages that are etched in stone – when fucking teenagers. [Unless you are CORNHOLIO.]

Know what today’s date is and know how to subtract 18 years from today.

That's two right there.

And make sure the teen has tits.

Don’t neglect the last one.

Rest assured, all the teens you would want to see in this movie have tits. Some are little, some big, some floppy.

ROXXXY RUSH has got a floppy set. The correct, clinical term would be “Grandma Boobs.” At 18 years old. And proud of them. Good luck with the fight against gravity.

WITH THREE SEPARATE SPELLINGS OF HER NAME NOW NOTED, ROXY RUSH RUNS THE TABLE ON BE-TITTED TEENS NAMED ROXXY THAT WE WANT TO FUCK. THIS WEEK.

SKYLER DUPREE has got a nice rack. Round and full. But she needs to work on her sex talk. Cursing is so passe. Especially fucking when it fucking makes fucking no fucking sense. You dig?

Also of note is NOLLIE. She’s kind of the equivalent of a trophy dog that people carry around in their purses. Kind of like ASHLEY BLUE, but sweeter.

She also has tits. Remember the rules, and run wild and free. –- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/254201new.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SLAM IT IN ROUGH

Harmony

Rating: FOUR "Penalty Boxing" BUSTED NUTS

SLAM IT IN ROUGH!

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that phrase, other then this movie of course, I would have…I would have…lets see, carry the four, plus two, um...ten cents. I would have ten cents. Not too impressive, huh?

ROXY JEZEL ABOUT TO LEARN THAT WE DON'T HAVE TO BE TOLD CERTAIN THINGS MORE THAN ONCE.

Well, fuck YOU, the reality of it is most chicks--like the ones who hang out in the coffee shop I hang out in and talk about Sylvia Plath, "sex positivity," and rugs and how to munch them--don’t want it rough, so if you want to see it...hear them begging for it? You better get this flick. It's a fucking illusion much much better than that fucking illusion that chicks at coffee shops who talk about Sylvia Plath, "sex positivity," and rugs and how to munch them, might want to fuck me.

With chicks jamming the thickest dildos known to man up their pussy and ass, you might find yourself wincing mid stroke; now mind you I said, wince. Not stop...no there is no stroke stopping in this fuck flick. If this review isn’t enough to determine whether this is buy or no buy. Let me spell it out for you fucking dummies: Buy it for crying out loud. Slam it in to your DVD player. Roughly. -- SAL PACINO

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/246863new.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

NEVER TOO OLD FOR SKULLGAME. AND LOADS.

William Donald Schaefer, a former governor who is now state comptroller, ogled a young woman at a Statehouse meeting. And he made no apologies about it. "She's a pretty little girl," the 84-year-old Democrat told reporters. "The day I don't look at pretty women is the day I die." Schaefer stared intently at the woman — an aide to Gov. Robert Ehrlich — as she walked away after bringing him a beverage Wednesday during a Board of Public Works meeting. Then he summoned her back, as people waiting to testify watched and waited. The aide, looking puzzled, returned to the table, and Schaefer told her, "Walk again," and watched her as she made the second trip to the exit. When reporters asked him about the incident, he called their interest "dumb." He said "this little girl" ought to be "happy that I observed her going out the door. The one who is offended is me."

blackhole_09

WHY DO PUNK ROCK GUYS GO OUT
WITH NEW WAVE GIRLS?

FLESH HUNTER #4

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=110339

SKULLGAME IN THE HEART O' THE BUSH WHITEY HOUSE: AL QAEDA GIFTED HOTDOG CONCESSIONS AT YANKEE STADIUM, I$RAELI MONEY FLAP FUCKING CONTINUES, PREDICTABLY, SAL PACINO, SHIT & CARS COVERED IN THEM: AN ESSAY. PLUS: TITS, ASS, LOADS COPIOUSLY COCONUTTY

AND in a stunning new development and on the heels of the White House-U.S. Port Flap, Deputy Treasury Secretary Robert Kimmitt in a press conference today noted that the lucrative peanut, popcorn and hot dog concessions at Yankee Stadium, Flushing Meadows, Giants Stadium and Madison Square Garden have been turned over to Al Qaeda.

A CONCESSIONAIRE TRAGEDY: YES. BALLPARK FRANKS DO PLUMP WHEN YOU COOK THEM.

"We were worried that the presence of pork byproducts would queer the deal," said a resolute Kimmitt. "But when we switched over to Hebrew National all-beef franks it seemed to be we dodged a bullet."

When asked if he believed this present a possible security problem with Al Qaeda's well publicized jihad against American interests Kimmitt spit out his martini and said, resolutely, "Fuck no."

POP QUIZ: QUIEN ES MAS LOAD?

REASON #37 WHY THIS ENTIRE SITE IS DEDICATED TO OLIVIA: OUR LOADS LOVE HER!!!

“A CHAZER BELIBT A CHAZER” AS JEWS CONTINUE TO JEW NON-JEWS OUT OF AID, CITING MORAL QUALMS WITH FUNDING COUNTRIES THAT MAY BE PRONE TO TERROR ENDEAVORS. “OY VEY”, SAYS LONG ISLAND. “ONGETSHEPTER”, RESPONDS THE WORLD.

MINUTES AFTER CONVERSING WITH ONE GENE SIMMONS, ACTING ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER EHUD OLMERT DISMISSES THURSDAY’S SECRET “FOLLOW UP” SESSION TO RETREAT TO A LIFE OF FREEBASING PENNIES, TRADEMARKING KISS SPATULAS, AND JACKING OFF TO PICTURES OF BANKS THAT JUDGE ROY BEAN IS NO LONGER ALLOWED IN FOR REASONS WE WILL NOT SPEAK OF HERE.

JERUSALEM (SkullGame) — Israeli officials Thursday afternoon voted once again, reportedly after forgetting the previous week's session upon learning that matzoh balls and frigid bitches would not be replacing the Euro as the standardized currency, AGAINST giving money that isn’t theirs to people who are not their own, claiming that the newly arisen Hamas leadership in neighboring Palestine posed a great threat to the KISS franchise and thus cannot be supported, saying “we moved in here and flourished due not to our utter raping of any country foolish enough to offer camaraderie but because of our ability to sell fat middle-aged losers lunchboxes, fanny packs, ice cream treats, Chia pets, and coffins bearing the KISS logo or, in times of our intense jewish nature taking the lead, the aforementioned products featuring only one of the four faces of KISS—thus leaving these sexless morons still caught in a horrible trap of deciding whether to buy four of each products or commence living a life never worth living. We simply cannot risk some crazy goy taking our rightfully plundered resources and spending it on food products that could potentially ruin perfectly marketable KISS accessories.”

Gene Simmons, bassist and figurehead for KISS, could not be reached for comment, presumably because he was busy having sex with 5,000 women and creeping into windows late at night, singing God of Thunder, and kiking children out of their foreskins.

Cabinet Minister Ronnie Bar On said the Cabinet would urge the international community to follow suit, but he stressed that the recommendation would not affect the transfer of funds to humanitarian organizations, namely those that are willing to hand out KISS ARMY catalogues to starving, towel-headed Palestinian sandnegros in lieu of food, water, and shelter.

Strained talks regarding sanctions being imposed on Palestine by the United States, Israel, and the EU with Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas and Hamas leader, Mamahamabama Loo, are expected to continue into next week. Members of KISS will not be present, however, with guitarist/singer Paul Stanley being busy convincing people that he really isn’t gay, Gene Simmons tending to his shoulder hair, and guitarist Ace Frehley and drummer Peter Criss being “too fucking high to even bother being Jews.”

A SAL PACINO TALE OF WOE: CARS, CRAP & CRAZY CRACKHEADS: A TROIKA OF TERROR.

EXHIBITS A THROUGH 5: THIS CAR MARAUDER WILL BE FOUND!!!

There is a certain satisfaction that which comes with firmly burying one's foot deep within a much deserving ass.

This same satisfaction has continued to elude me since my injury in December, however…it seems as if after a full two months--today being the anniversary of my surgery--after two months, the arm that which was as useless as a set of tits on a bull is beginning to show marked improvement; a testament to the curing power of running…and positive thinking; the latter being a lie I use to impress women into sleeping with me.

Running, positive thinking and lying for the sake of pussy aside, back to the point at hand…that point being: Crack head, whoever and wherever you are, please immediately desist from SHITTING on my car! Now I don’t mean the abstract shitting on one's car, for example, smoking in the passenger seat or eating McDonalds and spilling ketchup on my sheepskin covers.

No, in this instance I mean actual SHITTING. Moving one's bowels, pinching a loaf, seeing a man about a horse, you know…shitting…ON…my…CAR!

Please stop it. Now I'm sure that many will say, “hey this is testament to the safety of your neighborhood: could you imagine a greater accolade than someone feeling safe and comfortable enough in your neighborhood as to engage in their most private of activities there…out in the open no less.”

To which I would say, “Fuck you, pal. Apes shit wherever the fuck they want and more importantly don’t try to pull a silver lining out of a crackhead's ass…unless of course my foot is attached to that silver lining.”

STOP SHITTING ON MY CAR!

And eat some bran, anything with fiber really.

Thanks for listening.

TONI RIBAS' LUSTY LEGS #5

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: FOUR "She Got Legs. And She Knows How To Use Them...For Getting Me Beer" BUSTED NUTS

Filmed in its entirety in Budapest this Platinum X feature is filled with all the intensity and intrigue of…of…

Well if I could be honest, there is no real intrigue at all.

SARAH JAMES. SUCKTRESS EXTRAORDINAIRE!!!

It’s pretty much all fucking and sucking. While never a fan of the whole, leg thing/fetish. I am, however, a huge fan of chicks getting double-teamed, double penetrated, double dipped, whatever the fuck.

I love it!

This film has all that in spades, big-tit-having Euro-trash spades. Featuring some of the hottest post Cold War vagina on that side of the iron curtain, LUSTY LEGS #5 gives all new meaning to Reaganomics, Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall! And my all-time-favorite: trickle down economics. God bless Ron Reagan and his good head-giving wife!

Anyway, starring former Private contract girls VALENTINA VELASQUEZ and ELINOR this fuck flick is guaranteed to have you wondering who took the noodles and meat soup.

Come to think of it, who did take the noodles and meat soup? Never mind, buy this movie! -- SAL PACINO

Buy It NOW!

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RIGHT TOOL FOR THE JOB

Video X Pix

Rating: FOUR "Jeremy Spoke In Class Today" BUSTED NUTS

Aaaah, nostalgia.

I used to laugh and punch my Grandma when she said things were better in the "olden days." Due to her losing mobility in the entire left hand side of her body after she had a stroke, she never could quite dodge the kidney punches I'd give her when she started going on about the past. But she's dead now so, alas, those days are over. The funny thing is though, I think she may have been right.

SINCE MEGAN LEIGH SHOT HERSELF IN THE HEAD, WE'LL SKIP THE ALMOST-OBLIGATORY "RIGHT TOOL FOR THE JOB" JOKES & GO STRAIGHT TO THE "SHE SUCKS GOOD COCK & GOBBLES GOOD LOAD" BIT. YOU KNOW, FOR REASONS OF GOOD TASTE. AND SHIT.

Now i'm not entirely sure when this film was made, I'd hazard a guess at the early 90s. It's ripping at it's nylon seams with bad haircuts, terrifying slap bass, vibrators that sound like helicopters, engaging storyline and unabashed FUCKING. I lied about one of those elements though. I know VINNIE has been endorsing older porn, so I won't go on about it too long, but you should buy this. A man in a dress once told me that "Variety is the spice of life." You need this sorta spice. Not the man in a dress kind. So buy it.

Now although I'd like to sign off right there and leave this as a glowing review, there's something I have to tell you. The final scene features RON JEREMY. Being as I am a spring chicken compared to the withered old queens who run SkullGame, I had, in my 24 years of existence managed to avoid Ron Jeremy. Yes, I had seen his cuntish man-beast pug face on TV, but never had I witnessed the horror of him humping.

It is totally sick. He has a pelt to rival any forest dwelling mammal. Seeing him naked makes me want to stab my own eyes out.

So look at this flick as a main fuck feature, with a totally sick creature feature. When you think of it like that, why WOULDN'T you buy it?? -- ENGLISH BOB

Buy It NOW!

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THE VOYEUR'S FAVORITE BLOWJOBS & ANALS #9

Evil Empire

Rating: TWO & A HALF "His Fave, Or Our Fave?" BUSTED NUTS

Odd! Just plain odd!

That's what first springs to mind while watching the first scene where a girl is having her mouth washed after having sucked a big black cock, and then the guy continues to brush her teeth! Am I missing something? I thought this was about blowjobs and anals, not dental hygiene.

ASPEN BROCK SUCKING COCK. HO. HUM.

Well, in all fairness, she also sucks cock and she gets cock up her ass, and everybody involved is enthusiastic enough so I guess you can just fast forward past the teeth brushing bit, though there is also the matter of some attempts at making arty porn by using the slow-motion-repeat button, which brings me back again to ODD!

But, in all fairness, there are plenty of cocks being sucked and most certainly butts being fucked, so the title is not technically misleading in any way. And the scenes are all varied [if even a little bit stereotypical], and so except for the arty attempts at filming, I have come to realize that stereotypical is not necessarily a bad thing when it comes to porn.

As long as it delivers it is all good, and this flick pretty much does just that. So if you enjoy watching cocks being sucked and butts being fucked, then this is most certainly for you. But if you're asking if I stopped making dinner long enough to get someone to fuck me on my kitchen chairs BECAUSE of it the answer is: probably not. -- ANGEL BABY

Buy It NOW!

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SUZE RANDALL: HOTEL BLISS

Suze Randall Productions

Rating: ONE & A HALF "Go To The Best Western Instead" BUSTED NUTS

AUTUMN BLISS has sass.

She's the kind of girl you'd expect to grin while biting off Max Hardcore's dick and choking him with it. I like that in my porn stars.

But sass aside, her hotel is pretty fucking lame.

SAMANTHA RYAN: SHE'LL LEAVE THE LIGHT ON FOR YOU. SO YOU CAN SEE WHERE TO DROP YOUR LOAD. LIKE YOU'LL NEED A LIGHT TO SEE HER FACE.

You see, this movie is set in her "house", and she's your tour guide through the entire movie. She flirts, masturbates, squeezes her tits, and walks the viewer through some of the stupidest looking rooms you'll ever see. Do porn directors spend money on this garbage? Decorative parasols? An indoor hammock filled with pillows? A chair that looks like an enormous Jolly Rancher? I don't care how many dripping twats are ready to be violated--this shit is full-on homo.

But anyways, here are the highlights:

Autumn Bliss starts us out herself by getting lightly spanked by this skater guy while simultaneously ushering us into this totally terrible idea where every 2 minutes or so we get a split screen from two different angles like we're watching a Frankie Goes to Hollywood video. It's supposed to be... well, probably not annoying, but it fails.

The other thing about this scene is that at the money shot when she's all ready to turn around and get a face full, he holds her down so he can blow it on her back. Nice going junior, but who the fuck wants to see that? I don't know a lot of girls that will take a facial over a back saucing, so if she's getting paid, be a man and blind her with that shit.

After that, we have a threesome with some douche and two girls, one of them being Samantha Ryan. SAMANTHA RYAN is hot. Very hot. This girl is going to be cutting coke with a Gold Amex in no time. Even her kissing the white Lenny Kravitz doesn't take away from that. The other girl is pretty fucking cute as well (I don't know if she's the proud recipient of one of those anal bleachings I hear are all the rage, but her asshole looks like it is only made for ramming), which brings me to this point: I hate props.

Here this guy is banging one chick from behind while she goes about the triumvirate of kissing, sucking, and fingering the other girl, and he picks up a camera for a few seconds to take photos.We're never going to see these fucking pictures and it's this kind of distracting shit in porn that really bums me out. I know you're just fucking two hot chicks who are going at it, my man, but do you really need something else in the shot? Your fucking dragon tattoo is already threatening my boner; how about we keep our eyes on the fucking prize?

And speaking of tattoos, I don't think there's one person in this movie that doesn't have something shitty-looking inked on their body. We have a dragon tattoo, lower back tribal shit, nautical stars, a cross the size of an infant, and the best one--fucking Piglet. Yeah, THAT Piglet. MYA LUANNA has him posing on her stomach, and if you want the definition of distracting, Piglet be thy name. But, when it comes down to it, Piglet is the best part of her scene with JASMINE BYRNE, because these girls are just not into it.

When it's a guy and a girl, and she's not into it, you can deal: There are so many of those, it's an accepted part of watching porn. Plus, you can be assured that at least a half-assed cumshot is on the way. But when two girls go through the motions with each other, it's just fucking unacceptable. I mean, yeah yeah, you have a 4 dollar vibrator stuffed up in your shit while you're getting your clit teased, but it's transparent that you're just wondering if you should get that anal bleaching everyone's raving about. And then, like all bad girl-girl scenes, it just ends. At some point, the boredom of eating pussy gets to them, and they just call it a day. It makes you ashamed to even be into lesbians.

There's some more people in this movie that fuck like paint dries, and there's a blooper reel in the extras that would make even Ed McMahon go soft, but there is also an interview with my new girlfriend, the hot as flaming shit Samantha Ryan. Now granted, she seems a little retarded. And her "sexy" answers to questions are piss poor. And her laugh is the kind of noise that can kill small animals.

But... No, her interview fucking sucks and so does this movie.-- POPEYE KATSOPOLIS

Buy It NOW!

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WHO AMONG US CAN CAST THE 1ST STONE?

A man accused of fatally beating his roommate with a sledgehammer and a claw hammer because there was no toilet paper in their home has been arrested. Franklin Paul Crow, 56, was charged Monday with homicide in the death of Kenneth Matthews, 58, according to the Marion County Sheriff's Office. Capt. Thomas Bibb said Crow initially denied his involvement, but confessed during questioning. Crow told investigators that the men were fighting about the toilet paper over the weekend when Matthews pulled out a rifle. Crow said he then began beating Matthews with the sledgehammer and claw hammer, according to an affidavit. Matthews was beaten so badly he had to be identified through his fingerprints, detectives said.

A DISCONSOLATE CORNHOLIO MOURNS "LOSING NICE PIECE OF ASS. THAT SUCKED REAL GOOD & EVERYTHING" TO A WHITE HOMOSEXUAL: THE HALLE BERRY STORY. PLUS THE AUSTRIAN OLYMPIC COACH GOES JAMES BROWN & SKULLGAME GEARS UP FOR FAGBACK MOUNTAIN FEVER. CATCH IT!

AND what can be said about our weekend that can't be said about this photo taken by our own CORNHOLIO on the verge of a horrifying exercise of the negative virtues of pimpitude.

I'LL HAVE MINE WITH MAPLE SYRUP, PLEASE...

FUCKED AGAIN: BY THE WHITE MAN. CORNHOLIO'S DISSERTATION ON THE NATURE OF RACE MIXING, FINE ASS CELEBRITY PUSSY GONE GAY AND MONEY HE AIN'T MADE

MS. BERRY & HER HOMOSEXUAL ESCORT, NEAR-NEGRO IMPERSONATOR GABRIEL AUBRY

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Oscar winner HALLE BERRY and escaped ho of mine, and her new "boyfriend," renowned homosexual GABRIEL AUBRY are "in love," according to the gay Canadian model's father without, it should be noted, not a single fucking shekel of remuneration for my hard earned efforts to give her the kind of loving that stays given. If you know what the fuck I mean.

My stunning ex-ho, 39, and man-oriented Aubry, 30, have been quietly "dating" and not paying me for said dates, since meeting on the set of a Versace ad campaign in November, but finally went public at a Versace store re-opening in New York City on February 7.

According to shocked associates and family members, the race traitor couple is completely smitten with each other, so much so that they forgotten to pay me my goddamned just due, forcing me to call my Jew attorney and summon up the awesome rectifying might of my PONTIAC SR2435 car antenna as it will apply to her ass.

Aubry's father Gerard told People magazine, "He told me he was in love. With someone without a penis."

While his agent Sean Patterson says, "It was something that was completely unexpected. COMPLETELY. And he's just enjoying each day as it goes by. And calling her Bob. And making her lay on her stomach when he fucks her. Hes' very, very, very happy."

My prediction? They gonna pay me my money. Or someone will be getting hurt. And I ain't talking about feelings.

CRAZY AZZED AUSTRIAN COACH HEILS HITLER, TAKES DRUGS, CHECKS INTO PSYCHIATRIC FACILITY FOR HEILING HITLER & TAKING DRUGS: OLYMPIC FEVER. CATCH IT!

MY NAME IS ELMER J. FUDDREICH. I OWN ZE MANSION UND EINS YACHT.

TURIN (SkullGame) -- An Austrian ski coach who bolted the Winter Games following a surprise anti-doping raid wound up in a psychiatric hospital -- the latest stop on his bizarre flight from Turin, where authorities were still analyzing 100 syringes and other material seized from athletes' housing.

Authorities took Walter Mayer into custody Sunday after he crashed his car into a police blockade 15 miles inside Austria's border with Italy. Police later took him to a psychiatric facility, Austrian ski federation president Peter Schroecksnadel told SkullGame. "Apparently, he's still in there," Schroecksnadel said Monday night. "I believe that there was a danger of suicide -- they had to take him to the hospital. He was goose stepping all over the place, attacking his Polish nurse, and accusing his shoes of being Jews. Behavior, not uncommon for this part of the country, but it was the syringes that tipped us off to the fact that something was amiss."

Mayer was banished from the Olympics over allegations of blood doping at the 2002 Olympics in Salt Lake City. He resurfaced with the team in Turin, triggering police raids late Saturday -- the first-ever doping sweep by police on athletes competing at the Games. Against the backdrop of the most stringent drug controls in Winter Games history, local authorities seized the syringes and 30 packages of antidepressants and asthma medication, Italian prosecutor Raffaele Guariniello said. One Austrian athlete threw a bag out of a window containing needles and medicines as police swarmed the house, the Italian news agency ANSA reported.

Schroecksnadel defended the presence of asthma medication, saying as many as five athletes were approved to use it legitimately. He also suggested the materials could be used for innocent purposes, such as injecting "vitamins." Adding that "the question is not the number of syringes but what was in them," he said before nodding off to sleep, waking only briefly to ask, "what was the question again?"

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN MOUNTS LIST AT BRITISH ACADEMY AWARDS AS A COUNTRY RESIGNS ITSELF TO COLLECTIVELY ACTING AS FAGS INSTEAD OF MERELY TALKING LIKE THEM. OVER A CUP OF TEA. WITH THEIR PINKIES RAISED. ALL THE WHILE UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT WE SOMEHOW DIDN’T SEE THIS COMING MILES UPON LONELY WYOMING MILES AGO.

DIRECTOR ANG LEE AFTER RECEIVING THE AWARD FOR “LARGEST GROSSING GAY PORN THAT ONLY A HOMO’S GIRLFRIEND COULD TRICK HIM INTO WATCHING” WHICH, WHEN PUT IN THOSE TERMS, MAKES THAT STEAK DINNER YOU RECEIVED FOR UPHOLDING YOUR END OF THE “BARGAIN” SEEM A LITTLE LESS FAIR.

LONDON (SkullGame)—Donning a bowtie that served as a prime example of actions speaking louder than words, gay nip ANG LEE took a fag's share of awards at the BAA for his blockbuster hit Brokeback Mountain, narrowly beating off his stiffest competition The Constant Gardener; a film which we know little about but attribute it’s loss to the “dramatic depiction of a Mexican migrant worker not sucking off Heath Ledger”--a bold cinematic approach that apparently offended the sensibilities of the historically largely homosexual Isle of Britain.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL, who won “Best Male Support,” was reportedly busy attempting to illustrate his heterosexuality by trying to fuck his own sister in less-than-private settings; swearing up and down, literally, that having sex with men on film was no more gay than having sex with men not on film.

HEATH LEDGER, the star of Brokeback Mountain, told SkullGame reporters that, though he didn’t win the Best Male Role as he had hoped, “the experience was enriching and I’m not at all afraid of jail, or wherever my questionably not-queer career may lead me.”

Fag-hags and dastardly tricksters with pockets full of poppers and knee-touching tendencies uphold the notion that watching Brokeback Mountain is not only a demonstration of confidence, tolerance, and social health by “straight men”, but also a “really good movie—laden with comedy, drama, romance, and dudes fucking; just like all the other great films of our times such as Alexander, The Birdcage, Bent, American History X, and Latin Bareback Pool Orgy vol. 6.”: mandatory viewing for all men that are hung up on archaic societal norms such as not chugging cock or “platonically sleeping next to Danny Smith II, of Lafayette IN, in the raw”.

blackhole_37

I WISH MY BROTHER GEORGE WAS HERE

AMBER MICHAELS from ASS WORSHIP 2

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IS RASCISM DEAD? GOD WE HOPE NOT AS WE CELEBRATE PRESIDENT'S DAY WITH A FATTY, A FUCK & 20 BUCKS ON GAME. PLUS IN NEWS OF THE OBVIOUS: ISRAEL STOPS PAYING PALESTINE, KID ROCK & SCOTT STAPP IN SEX "SCANDAL" & EVA LONGORIA A CANDY BAR EATING SLUT

THIS edition of SkullGame is brought to you by our affiliates at BAD COP-BAD COP Enterprises...

...WHERE "WHAT HAPPENS IN THE EVIDENCE ROOM BEFORE NIGHTSHIFT, STAYS IN THE EVIDENCE ROOM BEFORE NIGHTSHIFT. YOU FUCKING SNITCH."

JEWS STEAL SOME MONEY IN PALESTINE AND, WELL, JUST ABOUT EVERYWHERE. AGAIN.

"GIVE OUR AMERICAN DOLLARS TO GUYS NAMED JAMIL SO THEY CAN PRACTICE THEIR GODDAMNED PEACEFUL RELIGION ON BUSES WITH BOMBS?!?! FUCK NO. I'M GOING TO VEGAS, SCHLOMO!!!"

JEW LAND (SkullGame) -- Israel's Cabinet Sunday immediately halted the transfer of funds to the Palestinian Authority. Acting Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert said his government will not hold contacts with any Palestinian government in which Hamas plays a role and, uh, sort of just wanted to "keep the money anyway...you know, just to smell it."

Given Hamas' recent parliamentary election victory, totally unanticipated by a Bush White House that had given the Israelis several billion dollars to study the root causes of Palestinian poverty, "the Palestinian Authority is, in effect, becoming a terrorist authority. ... Israel will not agree to that," Olmert said at the start of a Cabinet meeting. "Nor pay for it. Or anything else for that matter." he said, smiling from underneath a green eyeshade.

The Cabinet stopped the payment of about $50 million a month in tax money collected on behalf of the Palestinians. Cabinet Minister Ronnie Bar On said the Cabinet will instead favor influence peddling, international banking and/or worldwide control of the media. "Can't hurt, might help," said Olmert.

KID ROCK & CREED'S MAN-WOMAN SCOTT STAPP EMBROILED IN SEX...OH JESUS. WE CAN'T EVEN FINISH THIS...

THINGS WERE COOKING ALONG JUST FIIINNNEEEEEE...AND THEN: SCOTT STAPP...

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- A sex tape, which sadly shows near gay, former CREED frontman SCOTT STAPP and, horribly fallen rapper, KID ROCK involved in explicit sex acts with groupies, is set to be released by our pals at RED LIGHT DISTRICT. The saucy, and sickitating footage, in which the two rockers are heard talking to one another, in a fashion that can only be described as "overwhelmingly gay," during sexual encounters on a tour bus, was made when Kid Rock and Stapp toured together six years ago.

David Joseph, the president of distribution company Red Light District says, "We acquired the tape from a third party, NOT named SCOTT STAPP. We haven't decided exactly what we are doing with the tape we got from someone NOT named SCOTT STAPP, but our goal is to release it toward the middle of this year in order to fully destroy the threadbare remnants of whatever was left of Rock's erstwhile 'career.'"

Stapp married former Miss New York Jaclyn Nesheiwat last Friday at a black-tie ceremony in Miami, Fla. where he was soon arrested for trying to wash away an impending week of heterosexual sex with public drunkenness the following day at LAX airport, while en route to his "honeymoon" in Hawaii.

Jesus.

EVA LONGORIA STILL A FAN OF THAT WHICH IS BROWN, LONG AND IN HER MOUTH, IN LATEST HOLLYWOOD NON-SHOCKER

WILL WORK FOR A HIGH COLONIC!

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Desperate Housewives "star," daughter of a Mexican bicycle cop, and professional liar EVA LONGORIA was uncomfortable filming a scene where her character performed yoga naked -- until producers bribed her with chocolate. And Negro cock.

The "actress", who plays sexy Gabrielle Solis on the show, was "nervous" about filming her scene, so producers chose to "ply" her with "Godiva" "chocolates" to "help calm her nerves." And cock.

A source says, "It's a hilarious scene, but Eva needed some coaxing first." Producer Marc Cherry knew the star had a sweet tooth for sweets and Negroes and ordered both to be delivered to the set immediately. Preferably the same delivery man. The source adds, "She was a lot more agreeable (after the "chocolates" arrived). Marc now keeps a steady supply of Godiva chocolates close by for all his divas on the show. Chocolates and cock."

AND SAY HELLO TO OUR LATEST WRITER, POPEYE KATSOPOLIS. HE SAYS THE FOLLOWING PICTURE IS NOT HIM BUT WE'RE WAITING FOR DIRECT CONFIRMATION BEFORE WE GO MUCH FURTHER ON THIS ONE. CHECK OUT HIS FIRST REVIEW TODAY IN THE REVIEW SECTION.

BODY BUILDERS IN HEAT #18

Channel 69

Rating: THREE "Concentrate...CONCENTRATE!!!" BUSTED NUTS

BODY BUILDERS IN HEAT. Jesus, if that isn't a mouthful. Now raise your hand if you had to marshall your energies to forcibly remove from your mind images of ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER. Naked. And oiled up. and scampering around stage in a g-string. A little too close for comfort to whatever you're doing with your cock whilst warming up your DVD player?

I thought so.

DID YOU THINK I WAS FUCKING JOKING?!?!?

But, OK, supposing you can get past the gender indeterminate back on the cover of the case here, let me ask you a question: have you ever FUCKED a BODY BUILDER IN HEAT? And I ain't asking about that torrid summer on Fire Island neither. No? Well, I HAVE. And not one with a cock neither. And you wanna know something? If this is your thing? Stay away from doggy style: without any discernible broad parts to watch while you're fucking someone bigger, stronger and in all likelihood sporting a higher testosterone count than you if she's pre-show time, it can get kinda creepy.

And so this vid ekes out a THREE because? Well because whilst fucking a BEEF BROAD like these featured here I have only two eyes providing me with visual stimuli bolstering my heterosexuality in the face of evidence to the contrary, but this vid offers the CAMERA EYE, which is ALL over the place.

In other words this is an experience BETTER enjoyed on vid than in real life.

And that's the goddamned truth. -- VINNIE ROSE

Buy It NOW!

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PLEASE...DRILL MY ASS P.O.V. STYLE! #3

Elegant Angel

Rating: FOUR "Good Day To You, Fucker" BUSTED NUTS

Politeness is the new extreme in nastiness. Don’t believe us? Ask Elegant Angel. They feel the pinnacle has been reached in raunchy talk – the level of filth that can come out of a person’s mouth has reached its saturation.

NAUDIA NICE WILL BE APPEARING AT THE YORICK STREET PLAYERS PERFORMANCE OF TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA THROUGH THE SPRING. GET YOUR TICKETS NOW!!! [Editor's Note: She's actually NOT in this movie. So why is she here? Ask Steely Rob!]

Look out, world: Well-mannered gonzo.

Out with the old: “Stick your fat cock in my tight ass!”

In with the new: “Would you mind terribly inserting your little friend into my anus? That would be ever so nice of you. Thank you.”

See? Hot.

There’s a lot of territory to be explored here. Why stop at contemporary politeness? We say, dig deep – reach back...back to Elizabethan times. Make it a Shakespearian porno. So next time NAUDIA NICE is about to get an ass drilling, you’d get:

“Pray, grant me a boon, my dear sir, and inserteth thine turgid member inst mine heavenly fundament ere this noon.”

See? It’s genius, I tell you. Genius. Elegant Angel, you have our contact info to give exuberant thanks and contractual offers. –- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

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VINCE VOUYER’S YOUNG RIPE MELLONS #8

Red Light District

Rating: FIVE "Eight Deep & Still Strong" BUSTED NUTS

I remember the first time I seen a YOUNG RIPE MELLONS flick. I was driving in the passenger seat of a rented Ford Taurus with VINNIE…ROSE, not VOUYER. Vinnie was at the wheel and we were driving down Sepulveda. We were alternating between trying to find our way to Hollywood and staring at the huge TITS on the little screen of his tiny Mac.

ALI KAT. YEAH YEAH, SURE SHE'S YOUNG. AND RIPE. BUT IS SHE MELLONS?!?!? HUNH?!? THAT'S THE FUCKING QUESTION.

Hardly the optimum time or medium for viewing, however, considering the fact that we had just left Red Light District’s Chatsworth offices and the film had been handed to us by Vouyer himself I couldn’t think of a more appropriate time. Fast forward two years and six versions later in the Young Ripe Mellon’s series and I find myself watching a bigger screen with bigger tits and more importantly doing all these things with my dick in my hands begging for mercy.

That being said this is an outstanding series and this newest installment does not disappoint. Featuring big-tit-having chicks getting boned by one, two, or even three guys, this flick is 100% swallowing; more importantly, after being boned by one, two, or even three guys, each and every one of these chicks go on a mission to find loads, random loads, heaping helpings of loads. Each one to the very last burdened with the unquenchable thirst for blown loads. And to think: VINCE...VOUYER, not ROSE, never called us once that one of these loads be ours. Well by hook or crook, they were. -- SAL PACINO [THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS ITALIAN SAL]

Buy It NOW!

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AND SOMEWHERE...A COP CRIES. AND BEMOANS GAYITUDE.

The sheriff said he will no longer allow detectives to receive sexual services while investigating suspected prostitution after they spent $1200 at massage parlors, sparking a public outcry. Spotsylvania Sheriff Howard Smith defended the practice as necessary to obtain a conviction but told his department he was suspending it. "I understand the feelings and concerns the citizens of this county have expressed," Smith said to The Associated Press. "And I empathize with those feelings. Because of the public's express response, I have suspended this practice." Court documents show that four times last month, county detectives allowed women at Moon Spa to perform sex acts on them -- once leaving a $350 tip. He said multiple visits were necessary so, um, detectives could build trust with the operators. The two suspected operators and three women accused of working there face several charges, including prostitution and sodomy.

DON'T PULL OUT

Stay the fucking course? You're

goddamned right we are. Straight

to Loadsville!

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BITCHES LOCAL 666, UNITE!!!

LIKE A WESTERN UNION FOR COCKBLOCKERS

THE TITS OF ONE WHO WOULD DENY YOU THESE SELF-SAME TITS ON THE GROUNDS THAT YOU WANT THESE TITS.

They describe it as a "dating credit report for women."

"They" being cunts who'd deny you an occasional off-menu item.

WE describe it as an attempt to imprison that which will not be easily imprisoned: The Holy Cock.

In OUR system the rights or privileges of said Sacred Cock are not to be abridged for anything over the age of reason or, indeed, for any reason, as life is short and beastly and insofar as this might be eliminated through the active and crafty application of said Cock to holes moist and hot, a site like this is, prima facie either a horrible hindrance.......orrrrrrrrr....a GREAT helpmate. Wait...wait...wait....hear us out.

You see Fuckonomics is guided by the same rules as its more august older cousin: sound financial theory. That which is scarce is more valuable than that which is not. And a quick perusal of the site reveals brethern, much like ourselves, whose game was good enough to get them ON the site [but not good enough to keep them OFF of the site] meaning one thing and one thing only: they represent the Top 5 Percent of Cocks that nice guys whine about when they whine, "girls say they want nice guys but they always go out with jerks."

WE are those jerks.

And this site can be a friend...or an enemy to be feared. A friend if you realize some pollyanna will contact you through it, convinced that her quim will be the golden magical quim that will CHANGE you. An enemy to be feared if you have no credible story prepared when some broad says to you, "how COULD you? She gave you EVERYTHING and you fucked her sister?!?!?"

Exactly.

HOLE COLLECTOR

Mercenary Pictures

Rating: FOUR "Taking Up A Hobby" BUSTED NUTS

Ever chuckle when you see the phrase “collect them all!” attached to the kind of products that no one in their right mind would want to collect?

Like, the entire new line of Kleenex brand boxes, or the latest retardedly insane, astronomically expensive line of razors with a washboard of blades? Products that are guaranteed to never, ever increase in value, not even when spacemen from the future uncover the fossilized remains of your suddenly fascinating life?

RACE TRAITOR EXTRAORDINAIRE LAUREN PHOENIX DOING WHAT SHE DOES BEST: DEFTLY MANUEVER MAN MEAT INTO HER BE-MUNGED MAW! THANK HEAVENS, FOR 7-11s.

In light of this, collecting holes seems not only like a noble pursuit, but also a sensible one. Think about it. Holes don’t take up much room. Of course, you need stuff around the hole to make you appreciate having a hole, unless your hobby embraces the purest of Buddhist tenets.

Still, it’s sensible, especially when the hole is surrounded by such fine female flesh as LAUREN PHOENIX, MICHELLE B. and BAMBOO, whose Asian bod doesn’t take up much room.

Not that it’s a cheap hobby. These sets of holes must have cost LEXINGTON STEELE at least a grand each, but if you’re dedicated, then who’s to say your pursuit is foolish? Or better yet, pick up this DVD and get a third person appreciation of but a small portion of one man’s collection. If you do, you’ll need to dip into that pile of Kleenex boxes you spent so much time completing.

Retard. –- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

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OOP'S I SWALLOWED

Anarchy Films

Rating: FIVE "Filmed Entirely In HD. For Hard. And Dick." BUSTED NUTS

Being touted as the first gonzo feature filmed in high definition this film is a definite buy if only for the fact that it is straight up gonzo start to finish. No dialogue, no acting, no plots, just straight up fucking from beginning to nut draining end.

WAITING FOR THE SECOND COMING. LADIES & GENTLEMAN: CRISSY CUMS. YES. THAT'S HER NAME. GET IT? GET IT?

Which is perfect, in a way, since you know that when you're bent over your computer, fucking your fist, first and foremost in your mind is the idea that with a few extra fucking PIXELS you could REALLY make-believe you weren't fucking your fist. But filmed in its entirety on location in wonderful Canoga Park, California -- beautiful locales, beautiful women, and beautiful film work -- it all culminates in a film you could definitely slide in the back of your sock drawer and spend the occasional five sweaty minutes fucking your first alone with.

Did I mention its 100% swallowing?

No? Well that’s probably because the title says it all pal! “OOP'S I SWALLOWED.” Emphasis on swallowed, not OOP'S I KILLED YOUR CAT, not, OOP'S I FARTED AT THE DINNER TABLE, and above all, it's not, OOP'S! I SWEAR THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE. -- SAL PACINO

Buy It NOW!

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JULES JORDAN: AURORA SNOW VS. GAUGE

Evil Angel

Rating: TWO "I Can Make You A Star. A Gay Star, But A Star Nonetheless" BUSTED NUTS

The premise is solid enough—take two of the more prolific whores of the past 3 years of adult cinema and compile some of their lower moments into ho-ology custom-tailored for the higher existence; not in a chanting mantras or suicide-bombing kind of higher existence, mind you, but more of the selling off-white powders from a converted, and oftentimes, reverted glory hole in the back of your fucking duplex kinds of higher existence. Sounds good to me-- “business as usual” if nothing else.

The execution? Ehhh…

DO YOUSE KNOW HOW MANY OF YOUSE WE'D STAB IN THE BACK JUST FOR A FEW MINUTES OF COCK STABBING THESE BROADS IN THE ASS? DO YOU? HUNH? DO YOU? EVERY...SINGLE...ONE...OF...YOU.

I felt as if someone were trying to trick me into becoming a fag when I was watching this; as both GAUGE and AURORA SNOW are enticing whores—particularly the former, who at ~ 5 ft./ 100 lbs, 20 of which is ass, is enough to make men beat each other with sticks and rocks; more so than the mere sticks and rocks will cause men to beat one another. However, the sheer amount of unwarranted dudery of a most hetero-negative manner makes this movie bi-curious at best.

Triple penetration, much like shirtless frisbee, is an extracurricular activity that I just can’t condone. Sure, it make speak of the ladies as being focused and driven, probably having no hobbies outside of shoplifting from the produce section at motherfucking Whole Foods, but it also speaks volumes about the dudes themselves—which, minus the allusion, means that they are man-friends that probably qualify for domestic life partner benefits at the Hollister where they both work.

The scenes that aren’t gay porn masqueraded as healthy comraderie are top notch; especially Gauge’s FLESH HUNTER 6 excerpt; and it's always good to see Aurora Snow give her best Donald Duck impression, minus the sailor hat but adding the navy. There are gems, but with two whole discs and maybe only 3 scenes that aren’t easily mistaken for Will and Grace outtakes, well…you get no more than C- from me.

Nonetheless, if anybody knows how to reach Aurora Snow please contact the Casa SkullGame brigade because, assuming she isn’t in the screen actors guild yet, we have a bridge in Brooklyn that’s going for cheap to the right buyer. -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

Buy It NOW!

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NACHO VIDAL'S BANG BANG SHE-MALE: ARIANA JOLLEE

Evil Angel

Rating: THREE "Going Off The Rail On The Tranny Train" BUSTED NUTS

Anyone want to tell me what rock I was under when Trannies started getting kind of hot?

I'm not saying that these she-males are going to be modeling Guess jeans anytime soon, but it seems that gone are the days of chunky Dee Snider's futilely pulling at wet noodles. These chicks not only look better than 90% of Michigan, but when their dicks get hard, they stay hard!

ARIANA JOLLEE IN THE ONLY PIC WE COULD SHOW YOU THAT WAS NOT REPLETE WITH SAUSAGE & CREEPING HOMO PANIC [DESPITE KNOWING THAT MANY OF YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO SAUSAGE & CREEPING HOMO PANIC].

I guess this has a lot to do with the 13, yes 13, Trannies in the film being from Brazil, where even burn victims are hotter than your girlfriend, or maybe the credit goes to the behemoth-cocked and poorly-named NACHO VIDAL, who costars, as well as directs, this hour and a half of non-stop chicks with dicks.

The film begins pretty slow and with a weird set-up: ARIANA JOLLEE, who sports a fantastic petite body, is tied up, blindfolded, thrown into the back of a car (which never goes anywhere. Why didn't they just throw her in a fucking closet?), and wrapped onto a pole. Then the baker's dozen trannies, a couple of fags that look like they're from the future, and Nacho himself, who tries to blend in by wearing the gayest cowboy hat you'll ever witness, take turns gagging, slapping, and insulting the girl for the first half-hour.

Then after a champagne shower (?) Ariana takes the blindfold off to reveal a cute, girl-next-door face littered wiith acne. I've heard that cum can really clear a complexion, but Ms. Jollee busts that myth. I'm sorry that you're not drinking from JENNA JAMESON'S honey bowl in this one, baby, but you know Clearasil is still over the counter.

The rest of the movie is just the trannies and fags hanging out in line, waiting for a chance to violate this girl with Nacho chiming in occassionally with his hilarious ANTONIO BANDERAS accent. This is non-stop action though, with no one person bogarting the ass or pussy. And I have to admit that the way I assume most dudes who get tits would act in real life, its pretty cool to see them hit this girl with their dicks. I guess you don't really think about dudes with hair like Streisand wanting to just slap a ho.

I really only have two problems:

1. There is almost no trannie on trannie action. Sometimes the fags will slip in a 20 second blowjob, but most of the time, everybody's just standing around jerking off. Why didn't they start fucking in line? They seemed really unfriendly with each other. I mean, how often to you get to stand in line with this many of your fellow abominations? It's not like there's a Trannie DMV. Why aren't they talking about when they got their surgery or why they all have those gross tan lines on their tits?

2. Maybe this is just a nitpick, but I could have gone without the fucking foreign speak. Anytime Nacho talks to someone but Ariana, he starts in with the gibberish. Unless he was telling the homos to do his dishes, I'd like to understand what's happening without taking 4 years of Mexicanish.

But I really think that if you're into this trannie thing, then you are pretty good to go, because there's a gaggle of 'em, from various backgrounds.

Do you like starch white trannies with big fake tits?

BANG BANG SHE-MALE.

Uncircumcised, brownie-colored ones with chests that probably sprouted due to a prayer and some birth control pills?

Fucking BANG BANG SHE-MALE.

What about your dad in a wig and coconut bra blowing your math teacher, Mr. Davis, on Super 8 film? You're actually going to want to look in the attic for that one. -- POPEYE KATSOPOLIS

Buy It NOW!

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DOES ANYONE, AT ALL, EVEN REMOTELY CARE WHAT MADONNA DOES WITH HER WRINKLED QUIM ANYMORE? PLUS: DEMI MOORE'S DOUBLETEAMING, SAL & THE MAGICAL PENIS ENLARGING CREAM & TOM "SLAPPY" SIZEMORE, IN BURST OF GENIUS, BLAMES FELON FLIESS FOR METH ADDICTION.

IN A MOVE designed to shock almost EVERYONE SkullGame's own ITALIAN SAL has, as a result of services over and above the load-based call of duty, mostly in the arena of pimping, procuring and pandering for LA RAZA, been glossed with a new title befitting a man of his stature.

DESPITE THE MAN WHOSE CROTCH HE'S JAMMING HIS HEAD INTO BEING BOTH DRUNK & GAY, SAL IS NOT DETERRED IN THE COMMISSIONING OF A BEATING MOST SAVAGE

We are hereby delighted to notify everyone that rather than getting a raise of meaningless cash, or a trip, or even a ho of our choosing to soothe his fight damaged wing that Sal is getting a gift much more significant: his name changed from ITALIAN SAL to SAL PACINO.

Just our little way of saying "thank you, you goddamned sonuvabitch."

"THE FELONIOUS EXPLOITER OF YOUNG WOMEN WITH METH PROBLEMS & A PENCHANT FOR PENIS, MS. HEIDI FLIESS, MADE TOM SIZEMORE USE METH. AGAIN. AND AGAIN. MUCH IN THE SAME WAY THAT SHE MADE TOM SIZEMORE HIT HER," SAYS A TEARFUL TOM SIZEMORE.

"I HAVE NOT NOW, NOR HAVE I EVER, USED METH, HAD FRIENDS WHO USED METH, SOLD METH FOR LESS THAN MARKET RATES, BOUGHT METH FROM THOSE BIKERS OUT IN THE VALLEY, OR EVEN COOKED IT UP IN THE GARDEN SHED OF THAT HOUSE I USED TO OWN OUT IN NORCO. AND THAT'S THE GODDAMNED TRUTH!!!"

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- "Troubled" movie star TOM "SLAPPY" SIZEMORE has "alleged" his ex-girlfriend, HEIDI "HO" FLEISS, helped get him addicted to crystal methamphetamine in a fiery new TV interview.

The Black Hawk Down star, who was sent back, once more, to rehab on his couch, again, last week for failing to kick his habit, blasted former Hollywood White Slaver Fleiss for allegedly introducing him to the drug and then refusing to help him kick his habit when he was trying to go straight by failing to adopt his curative theory of increased dosages to max out the body's, um, meth centers to make it so that they'd never, ever, ever want meth again as long as he lived. In Norco.

Speaking exclusively to TV host Donnie Deutsch on his Big Idea show, Sizemore claimed Fleiss is responsible for many of his drug problems. All 368 of them. He told Deutsch, "She got me onto this drug called crystal methamphetamine; I never used that before. The drug really got me. For certain people it's a sexual stimulant and that's what it did with me. I'd come through a very, very lonely time because my wife had left me and I don't think she (Fleiss) intended to hurt me or harm me in any way. But the reason why I separated from her (Fleiss), or split with her, was because I didn't want to continue using that drug," says Sizemore conveniently forgetting the felony conviction for bouncing her fucking bubbled head off of the wall.

"I did three movies that shot out of town and I was afraid to travel with them (drugs) so I didn't get addicted to it. But when I was coming back (to Los Angeles) the last time, after 'Dreamcatcher,' I was starring in (TV show) 'Robbery: Homocide Division' and I told her, 'When I come back to L.A., I'm gonna be shooting in L.A., I'm the star of the program, I'm part owner. ... This stuff has got to stop and I can't stop if you don't stop. You've gotta stop,' and she didn't. So, um, yeah. It was her. She did it all. All of it. Um hmm," said Sizemore before proceeding to dismantle his microphone, draw up blueprints for it, and catalogued all 29 separate parts while Deutsch looked on.

SAL PACINO & THE MAGICAL PENIS ENLARGING CREAM

DOES IT LOOK LIKE IT'S WORKING?!?!?

After using this site as a tool to crush my enemies, as well as sharing news in a comical and often hurtful way, I would like to take this chance, if I may, to share my day-to-day feelings…in a comical and often hurtful way. Oh yes and to crush my enemies.

So it's Thursday morning and across my desk comes a Press Release with a client list and note attached that says, “any interest?” Let me look at your list here, Acid Rain, we did an interview with MITCH SPINELLI and review their movies, what else do you want?

Back to the list, what else do we have here? Ah, ADAM & EVE: the first mail order retail outfit in America. Let's get something straight--15 year olds were jacking off to your catalog, FOR FREE, great business model; and what’s more: naming an adult product company after a story in the bible is the same as telling someone Jesus is watching every time you jerk off…which he is. Not interested in Adam & Eve, don’t like their products.

Moving down the line, CARMEN LUVANA. Her roots are showing--she needs a new hairdresser. Moving down the line. AUSTYN MOORE, yes, now she is pretty hot. Probably hates sex but still pretty hot. Her, maybe, what else is in your client list? Ah, MARI POSSA, from Showtime's, Seymore Butts Family Business: this little Latina, it says here, went from being an office assistant to a porn star. I would like to see what her WPM count is; just a little keyboarding test. Somehow I don’t think she will do well. I am willing to venture that if she were to be asked what Outlook ™ is, she would say its what you do at a window.

JOANNA ANGEL? Let's see…it's sex and rock and roll! Wow that’s a stretch. It says it's got naked tattooed chicks, I like Suicidegirls; the chicks are hotter and the music connection is much clearer.

Let's see…GINA LYNN, born in Puerto Rico, parents Italian and Puerto Rican, that means she will yell at you while she is stabbing you, Oh wow! Says here she was a Bada Bing girl in the Sopranos, this is a possibility.

Let me wrap this up…KELLY MADISON, don’t care, TAYLOR WANE, don’t care.

ROYAL DRAGON!?! “a mixture of aromatic herbs” are you fucking kidding me? Next thing you will be doing PR for penis enlarging cream, let me see if there is anything else just in case you are. Whew! After reading that last one I figured the next thing on your list had to be a penis enlarging cream.

So where were we? Oh yes--Austyn Moore, maybe, Mari Possa, yes, Gina Lynn, yes. Everyone else is a giant fuck NO…

Thank you very much. I love you all.

GUY RITCHIE ALMOST FREE; CAN ALMOST SEE HIS FILM CAREER. ALMOST. BUT NOT QUITE, AS CONNIVING CAREER KILLER SCHEMES A'PLENTY ANEW: DAY 2789 OF THE MADONNA WATCH CONTINUES.

"MY YOUTHFUL GOOD LOOKS? WELL, I BATHE IN THE BLOOD OF VIRGINS, OF COURSE."

LONDON (SkullGame) -- MADONNA fuelled speculation she is on the verge of splitting from husband GUY RITCHIE at the Brit Awards ceremony Wednesday night. The superslut was caught on camera dodging a kiss from her filmmaker husband and neglected to thank him in her acceptance speech. However, the 47-year-old, who was crowned Best International Female Who Just Won't Go Away, paid homage to her producer Stuart Price, whose career has suffered an amazing run of good fortune, until now, exacerbating rumors the pair have developed more than just a working relationship.

She closed her speech saying, "Last, but certainly not least, I would like to thank all of my British fans because without you I would just be another singer from across the pond who will not go away."

In other Madonna news, the star underwent "a minor operation" detaching Guy's cock from his wizened fist, at the Cedars Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles following her performance at the Grammy Awards last Wednesday, her spokeswoman has confirmed. Madonna's rep said the singer had fully recovered and was delighted to be attending the London music bash.

DEMI MOORE:ONE COCK IS NOT ENOUGHT, TWO AIN'T TOO MANY

THE 19-YEAR OLD MOORE & PRESIDENT OF THE LITTLE BITTY TITTY CLUB.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- DEMI MOORE gave her new husband, gay icon, ASHTON KUTCHER, a birthday party to remember on February 4 by inviting the best speaker she knows to toast the star -- her ex-husband. And his cock. Yes, noted Republican and dater of porn sluts, BRUCE WILLIS was on hand to wish Kutcher the very best as the actor/TV prankster turned 28 at the Regent Beverly Wilshire hotel's rooftop terrace in Los Angeles.

AND AFTER A LITTLE HELP FROM HER FRIENDS. THE KEEBLER ELVES. RENOWNED JEWISH PLASTIC SURGEONS.

One party guest tells In Touch, "There were poker and blackjack tables, and Bruce was even giving Ashton some poker tips. All a flimsilied constructed effort to conceal the doubleteaming that was clearly in the offing."

All guests were reportedly given a chip worth $500 as they walked in to the bash, and a chance to win a high-definition TV if their luck held out.

Just what fucking multi-millionaires need: another bauble.

Well the families in Tijuana living under corrugated tin shacks fucking send their birthday greetings too.

Fag.

KINDA LIKE MARRIAGE

The Oregon Court of Appeals on Wednesday upheld a ruling that sent Nicholas Meyrovich to life in prison under a 2001 three-strikes law. Meyrovich got his third strike, a felony sex offense, for delivering an unwanted kiss. Meyrovich, in his appeal, claimed that a life sentence for the kiss violated the Oregon Constitution's ban on cruel and unusual punishment. Meyrovich, 60, an exterminator, was inspecting the home of a Salem woman when he suddenly grabbed her and kissed her. The woman pushed Meyrovich away, but he took hold of her again and sucked her on the neck, stopping when a neighbor walked in. Meyrovich was later convicted of first-degree sexual abuse, which under Oregon law requires the forcible touching of the "sexual or other intimate parts" of another person.

blackhole_76

SOMEWHERE IN IRAQ THIS ASS WILL

DESTROY UNTOLD NUMBERS OF GOOD MEN

GAUGE from WEAPONS OF ASS DESTRUCTION

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DON'T PULL OUT

Red Light District

Rating: FIVE "Sure. I Love You." BUSTED NUTS

I fucking hate condoms; a sentiment that I’m sure many of you can happily echo. Unfortunately they are a fact of life, given that you wish to live a long one devoid of drip, discharge, and dong blemishes.

Nevertheless there exists no rule, to my knowledge or heeding, that states that we must flip about like a bunch of fucking Pentecostals in rejoice at only being allowed to indulge in “kinda-sex”. In essence, condoms are the equivalent to your cock moving into the mythical town Footloose was based in: you may be dancing but you're still repressed and suppressed and, for all you can feel, Kevin Bacon might be nearby—and you are protecting yourself mostly out of the necessity to avoid contact, even second-handedly, with that kind of motherfucker.

SARA STONE. MOTHER TO BE & QUICKER-SUCKER-OFF-ER.

Yes, I hate fucking condoms—which is basically what you do when you put one on. Minus the mental gratification, which indeed plays a large part in the exchange, you’re not getting the real thing; and turning them inside out doesn’t rib a goddamn thing for your pleasure, so you are more or less stuck with it.

Unless, of course, you apply the JRB (soon-to-be-patented) technique of just making them your fucking girlfriends so that they’ll stop with all the reaching in purses and night stands and let you just hit it up the way it was made to be hit out. In fact, every romantic commitment I’ve ever had has been either preceded or succeeded by getting it, as Dirty himself loved it, “raaaaaw”; and thus such has been made a legal contingency of you keeping a toothbrush at my house.

I love the act with such a love that is so high it can never be properly assessed that I will do damn near anything (least of which is lying about emotions and listening to retarded love poems in broken English) to get it like I need it; and the way I figure it is “if you keep her close then you can make sure she goes to the clinic and doesn’t take your $350 to the mall or come back later with, what Dre pinned, the oft-dreaded ‘keep-a-nigga baby’”.

Given this predilection, I was more than happy to get some good ole’ fashioned “Future Mommies of America” porn—which is chock full of so many creampies you’ll swear it’s a Hostess franchise. This shit is what crisis hotlines are made for, and SARA STONE'S expertly delivered sucking-offings are what I live for.

This movie is a must if you’re the type of motherfucker that gets pissed the second she asks “what if I get pregnant?” and then roll over almost completely off the bed in an action best construed as foreshadowing and tell her “look, you’re a stripper with a Klonopin prescription and a penchant for forgetting to change your oil every 3000 miles and, baby, I’m in a band…”

“Don’t pull out.”

Don’t worry, honey, I don’t. -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

Buy It NOW!

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FILLED TO THE RIM

Diabolic

Rating: THREE "Where Were You From Again?" BUSTED NUTS

Some directors keep quiet behind the camera, letting the scenario and the actors in it do the talking. Others jabber away off camera. Both approaches can work. What you don’t want though is jibber-jabber from behind the lens that contributes so little that it actually detracts from the movie. And therefore: your load.

There is no premise in RAUL CRISTIAN’s fuck flicks...that is, beyond a Hungarian babe getting ass fucked on a couch. She’s always Hungarian, but Cristian asks anyway. Maybe he expects to be surprised. Maybe he’s like GUY PEARCE in Memento. He should probably start getting shit tattooed to his body to help all of us at home.

SO SUSANNE BREND. WHERE YOU FROM? HUNGARY? FUCK!!! REALLY?!?! WELL, ALRIGHT.

If there’s no premise or lead-up, just get to the fucking, already. Include all the irrelevant details in some bio option in a sub-menu. Spare us the soul-sucking inanity.

Luckily, the girls are here to help salvage the lack of premise. Really hot, curvy girls from you know where. Girls like SUSANNE BREND and SABRINA ROSE, who’s the perfect poster girl for a Cristian movie in that she seems to have so little going on behind the eyes that you don’t think she could answer much more than the already rigorous cross-examination already at hand. Maybe there is method to the mundaneness... –- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

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ELBOWS. THE WORLD'S MOST DANGEROUS GAME!

A man was shot and injured when his hunting partner mistook his elbow for a squirrel, authorities said. Michigan State Police said George Arthur Sikkenga, 64, of Muskegon, Michigan was wounded Sunday morning in Golden Township, in Michigan's west-central Lower Peninsula. Sikkenga was wearing camouflage clothing except for an orange hat, which he had covered with a hood after sitting down behind a tree, The Muskegon Chronicle reported. His clothed elbow was all of him that was visible when his friend, Gregory Scott Wood approached from behind the tree and fired his weapon, which the Ludington Daily News described as a .17-caliber rifle. Police were investigating the shooting.

PLAYING WITH MIKA TAN

Anarchy Interactive

Rating: ONE "Back To The Future" BUSTED NUTS

Around the boardroom table, amidst the cigar smoke and mutual handjobs, these "interactive" DVDs might have seemed like a good idea.

An idea that's thoroughly, resoundingly, motherfuckingly negated as soon as said product enters your DVD player.

MIKA TAN? IN A MOVIE THAT GOT A ONE? COULD IT BE? YES? GAYNESS IS AFOOT AT SKULLGAME.COM?!?!?! ONLY TIME WILL TELL. AND COCKS. TIME AND COCKS. WILL TELL.

First, the "interactive" aspect is bullshit.

You get to select the position. Same as you do with the scene-skip button in most pornos, right? Right. So it's just the same ol' shit except rendered way more futuristic cos...cos...ahhh...cos they film the model in front of a black sheet.

Wooooo. Impressive. PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE.

For her part, MIKA TAN would maybe make my list of Five Random Porn Chicks I'd Like To Anoint On The Chin. But she's not the problem here. It's the execution. Another example: there's only one popshot and it's not in POV -- nor is much of the action -- which I kinda thought was the purpose of this "simulation" shit?

If you want interactive porn with a hot Asian slut go to asianbabecams.com. And use this DVD as a coaster for your tall glass of lube. -- MR. XTRA

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/251878.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

JUSTIN SLAYER'S PHATTY GIRLS #6

Evil Angel

Rating: ONE "Is The Loneliest Number That There Ever Was" BUSTED NUT

While a huge fan of JUSTIN SLAYER’s series BLACK GIRLS GET NASTY TOO which they, in fact, did. Somehow I couldn’t get into the whole PHATTY GIRLS #6 thing, mostly because they, in fact, were, Phatty, very, very Phatty.

Ever hear that expression too much of a good thing?

KANDI KREAM, DESPITE ITALIAN SAL'S DISDAIN, PRETTY MUCH ERECTING THE GOLD STANDARD FOR "YEAH. WHATEVER."

Well, too much of this good thing made this a bad thing. A very, very bad thing, know what I mean? Seriously people, I am a fan of Justin and I don’t want to run this thing into the ground. I like the music, I like the camera work, hell I especially like the behind-the-scenes footage that’s not available on the VHS, but the flick, in and of itself, I didn’t like. My honest opinion: the bitches are a bit fat, for me, and that’s saying a lot. And for the most part they seem to hold back sexually.

If you want some fine ass black bitches that are as beautiful as they are down for whatever. BLACK GIRLS GET NASTY TOO is the series I encourage you to look into. -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy It NOW!

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LIKE CHENEY SHOOTING THAT PUNK BITCH IN THE FACE, OUR WEEKEND EXPLOITS WERE FULL OF SHOCKING DEVELOPMENTS OF THE 50-YEAR-OLD DIVORCEE VARIETY. PLUS: METH, SIZEMORE: AGAIN, CHARLIE SHEEN SHIRTS A'POPPIN' & KANYE WEST, UNSURPRISINGLY, LOVES SKULLGAME

THIS Monday's edition of SkullGame is brought to you because of underwriting by REDBULL action drinks.

"I DRINK. I ACTION. MILK MY TEETS!!! WHERE YOU GO?!?!"

TOM SIZEMORE JOINS COURTNEY LOVE IN THE "GONNA HAVE TO KILL SOMEONE" CLUB [COMPANION CLUB TO THE "ROBERT BLAKE ONLY CUZ HE'S WHITE" CLUB], DRAWING PROBATION FOR HIS MULTI-METH'D MONTH OF JANUARY.

"I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY FOR, UM...WELL, I'M JUST SORRY, THAT'S ALL. AND IF YOU LET ME GO, AGAIN, I PROMISE TO, UM, NOT DO WHATEVER I WON'T DO. AGAIN."

Los Angeles (SkullGame) -- "Troubled" "actor" TOM SIZEMORE escaped a spell in prison Thursday, again, when a "judge" "sentenced" him, again, to three months probation, again, for taking methamphetamine, again, in January. Again.

At the Los Angeles hearing the actor, who had faced a possible 16 months imprisonment, OR a 16 hour "stern talking to", tearfully confessed to violating his probation, which stems from a previous conviction for methamphetamine possession, which stems from a previous purchase of methamphetamine, which led to a subsequent huffing of aforementioned methamphetamine and a tweakend that lasted well until he tested positive for drugs on January 23.

Sizemore must now submit to weekly drug tests during the three year probationary term, and also has to spend 90 days at a drug treatment center. Or not.

His probation was revoked for the first time last July when he admitted using a fake penis, the one he used to use to bang HEIDI FLIESS, to supply a drug test. He also failed to attend a compulsory drug test every three days. Again.

Sizemore's probation was then reinstated in October when Superior Court Judge Paula "Whatever" Mabrey asserted the actor was making "remarkable" progress. Perhaps in the "being white" and "getting high" categories. He is free on bail, again, pending an appeal. Again.

NEWFLASH: BERLUSCONI LIKENING HIMSELF TO JESUS. WHAT ON ACCOUNT OF HIM GOING 12 DAYS WITHOUT FUCKING AND ALL.

"I TOLD YOU THIS WAS A GODDAMNED SACRIFICE!" BERLUSCONI, PICTURED HERE, AND HIS "WIFE".

ROME, Italy (SkullGame) -- First it was Napoleon. Then it was not fucking until the election is over. Now it is Jesus Christ.

Italian Prime Minister SILVIO BERLUSCONI has compared himself to the Lord & Savior, prompting the open scorn of his political opponents and even the quietly raised eyebrows of his coalition partners.

"I am the Jesus Christ of politics," Italian media quoted him as saying at a dinner with supporters on Saturday night. "I am a patient victim, I put up with everyone, I sacrifice myself for everyone. That's why I'm not fucking!"

Marco Rizzo, a communist parliamentarian, called it a "grotesque comparison." On Friday, Berlusconi compared himself to Napoleon, saying only the French emperor had done more for his country. Berlusconi will be competing against center-left opposition leader Romano Prodi in the April 9-10 general elections, after which he will quickly repair to a secret location like his limo and dick down the first thing with a hole that wanders his way.

CHARLIE SHEEN STARTS NEW "HOW'S YOUR MOTHER, THAT BITCH?" CLOTHING LINE

"'YOUR HEAD SKILLS? YES. YES. SUB-PAR. AT BEST.' IT'S MY NEW LINE. DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IT?!?

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Celebrity divorced dad CHARLIE SHEEN is launching a line of children's clothing to suit the modern divorced kid on the go. The "How's Your Mother, That Bitch?" The clothes will hit trendy Los Angeles boutique Kitson Kids next month. The store will carry a selection from the 75-piece girl's-only line and the prices will range from $20 to $80.

Sheen will have final approval over all fabrics and designs in the collection.

The actor was inspired by "that emasculating harridan I used to call 'wife'."

KANYE WEST: SKULLGAME ACHIEVER

A STILL FROM WEST'S VIDEO FOR THE HIT SONG GOLDIGGER. A TUNE ABOUT DEAN MARTIN'S BACK UP SINGERS.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Rapper KANYE WEST insists the girls he falls for these days are porn model types, and he likes to test them on first dates by putting his favorite X-rated films on TV when they walk through the door. He adds, "That's one of the old pimp moves: if the girl comes over, have porn playing.

"If she's like, 'Ugh,' slap her with a well-wielded car antenna. And if she says, 'Hmm, what's this?' then keep it playing."

West never insists his girlfriends have to enjoy watching porn, but they have to accept he's addicted to saucy Web sites and films. He explains, "I have normal conversations all the time while I'm looking at these sites. Specifically, SkullGame ... It's an addiction. Whenever we go to the porn store, we call it the crack house. I have porn on me at all times."

FROM THE DEPT. OF REDUNDANCY DEPT...

A man married his bride in a courtroom immediately after he was sentenced to at least a decade in prison on a murder conspiracy charge. Cassandre LaFortune, dressed in a white gown, listened to Akram "Ish" Jones enter his Alford plea Tuesday. She then stepped forward to marry him. When the judge asked her if she knew what she was getting into, Akram Jones politely interrupted and said, "your honor, I don't mean to be rude, but she proposed to me." Jones was wearing a gray suit, tie and shackles on his wrists and ankles, which sheriff's deputies removed before the wedding ceremony. After the ceremony, the newlyweds posed for photos with the 17 family members in attendance, including the couple's mothers and Jones' 4-year-old son.

blackhole_89

LOOKS LIKE IT'S GOING TO BE A FUCKING QUARTER-
BACK SNEAK. RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE!

RYAN CONNER from
LEX THE IMPALER #2

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=76980

PRIVATE MOVIES #19: FUCK YOUR NEIGHBOUR

Wasn't this like the 18th, um,

commandment or something? Hunh?

Yeah. I thought so...

244376

A SERIOUS FUCKING QUANDARY

Yo Vinnie,
My girl is fucking HOT. Picture enclosed. But she's got a thing that's got me up against it. Nothing turns her on though like? You got it. Gay porn. Which I find disturbing to say the least. Sure, she can do it without it, but there's nowhere near the same kind of intensity. She's often claimed that she's really a gay man in a woman's body. But this is it, it seems. No attempts to fuck me with a strap-on, or make me listen to Judy Garland records. But I just can't hang anymore with the fag fuck flicks. Help. -- H.P., (by email)

NOT ENTIRELY SURE BASEBALL IS MUCH BETTER

Dear MR. LOVECRAFT: Jesus, man. Jesus. What can we say? The only thing that I've even ever come close to like this has been when I was banging this broad at this sex club and looked up and peeped a roomful of dudes jerking their joints to my fucking. Thanks, but next time just throw fucking money or clap, if you know what I mean. But what? I agree, she IS hot. But with all the things that a man has to deal with -- her husband coming home, her giving you the clap, you giving her the clap, her getting knocked up, her not paying you, you not getting it up when she doesn't pay you -- now you gotta factor in creeping cock love and the possible gay contagion?!??!

No, no, 1000 times, NO.

Especially since you ARE gay. I mean why else would you be so fucking panicked by what's on the TV and not this fine-ass broad you're banging? So: break up with her so you can watch your "football player-roman centurion" shit and give me her fucking phone number so's whiles she's watching OPRAH, or AMERICAN IDOL or whatever kind of gay shit she wants to watch, I can watch my load dribbling down her fine-ass chin.

LIKE A RED-HEADED STEPCHILD

HOW WET IS IT?

"THIS LARGELY SUMS UP MY RELATIONSHIP TO THE ENTIRE WORLD," SAYS THE WILY MR. XTRA

EDITOR'S NOTE: MR. XTRA once said to us, apropos of nothing: "I fucked 200 girls last year." An amazing statement in, and of, itself. Especially for a guy who ain't in a wheelchair. I mean we still only get 52 [one a week] MAX. But he sticks by his claims. So's we figure he's paying pros. Which he denies. And then he comes clean. "OK, OK...some were pros." Well, to bag 200 he'd have to be making much more bank than we had ever guessed at. OK, OK, so some were pros, but that still leaves 182 unaccounted for. Too many for him to afford, and unless his personal magnetism has supernova'd him past CORNHOLIO's, something we severely doubt, there had to be a catch.

Forthwith: his joy, our penury.




IS IT WET? YOU'RE GODDAMNED RIGHT IT IS.

In most Western societies the red-headed male, or "ginga", or "ginger twat", is an object of derision. Mocked and scolded for his pasty complexion, sand kicked in his face, and the certain promise of no pussy.
Is it just? No.
Is it fair? Not really.
But is it the order the universe? Fuck yeah.

And then this comes along.

The surest possible example of taking the ridiculous to the sublime, a ginger twat has relocated to Vietnam. Where being a ginga is met not with smirks but, apparently, multiple offers to have his surrounded-by-beastly-red-wisps-of-pube knob slobbered upon.

For, it seems, the girls of Ho Chi Minh view the red-headed stranger as exotic. Desirable. And according to their bios, these are regular girls. With regular jobs. Some with regular husbands. But all consenting to bestow their lips (upper and lower) upon the man with the flaming ringpiece.

Inspirational almost. We'll be purchasing red hair dye and requesting a job transfer forthwith. -- MR. "Laughing All The Way To The Bank" XTRA

VINCE VOUYER’S MULTIPLE P.O.V. #3

Red Light District

Rating: FIVE "My Kinda Fugly" BUSTED NUTS

The flip side to having an, err... unusual face – not classically (or practically) good looking is having “character.” Let’s just come out and say it. If you’re ugly but have something irresistible, that certain je ne sais quoi about your countenance, you’ve got character, baby.

LUSCIOUS LOPEZ, NO RELATION TO THE LESBOS IN LUSCIOUS JACKSON, BEWITCHES US WITH HER PIQUANT MIXTURE OF SLUT & HO.

JESSICA KANE has got character in droves. So much character that she steals the show. If we were to fuck a single girl in this movie, it’d be the order-taking, up-for-anything, good-girl-doing-bad-things-while-being-a-good-girl kinda way. And her being paired up with the (on paper) sexier LUSCIOUS LOPEZ (in the smallest incarnation of her ass we’ve seen so far) multiplies both their similarities to having three-toed sloth faces.

We’d take ‘em in a second, though. This, even though the best representation we can think of for “America’s Porn Duo,” BRIANNA LOVE and BAMBI, are in this movie, too.

This is indeed the crux of this movie’s success. TWO girls per cock, and NO instance of any man ass or whatnot mucking up the proceedings, as it’s all shot point of view style. And it’s done by one of the most charismatic guys in porn, VINCE VOUYER.

How could you NOT like this movie? –- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

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BIG WET TITS #2

Elegant Angel

Rating: TWO "Sometimes Tits Ain't Enough" BUSTED NUTS

Now I know from watching Louis Theroux (did you ever get his shows in the States?) that Elegant Angel isn’t known for its cutesy, Pringles-sponsored porno. I was put off by the cheap, trashy-looking girls on the cover, but I think I might be in for some serious hardcore messiness here… I mean, DARIA GLOVER spitting on her own tits to lube them up?

Unconventional, but it works for me.

She reminds me of a girl I danced with in a club the other week, though unfortunately I didn’t fuck her ‘til her tits looked set to catch fire. Shame really.

DARIA GLOVER SPENDING A QUIET, ROMANTIC MOMENT, PRE-SPITTING. AND SHIT.

LAURA LION looks like the kinda high-class bitch who thinks she’s a good fuck, but is actually worse than a corpse that even a necrophiliac wouldn’t touch. Still, the eponymous J.J. ravages her well, her overly soapy tits frighteningly wobbly on her lithe frame. J.J. binds her and gags her for no other reason than to look like a perverted jerk, but that’s nothing compared to the clingfilm treatment ANGEL DARK gets: a pointless exercise in visual weirdness. Similar to Van Sant’s Last Days, only with fellatio.

Not that I’d want VERONICA VANOZA performing such an act on my manhood – she looks like the kind of lesbian with an abrasive haircut that could really cause you pain if you crossed her line. Still, it’s fucking in a bath and the possibility that either of them might slip is too good to miss – unfortunately it never happens, and J.J. gets his ass licked, much to Vanoza’s obvious displeasure. What a prick he’s turning out to be.

Sadly, VERONICA De SOUZA's cream-filled scene is more disgusting than arousing. Kudos for Elegant Angel for trying, but if you’re gonna do porn, hire girls who are real fucking sluts with bodies to match – not your average store clerk, chewing gum and looking vaguely depressed.

Unless you like that girl-next-door shit, sir. -- TEABAG

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/228650.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

HOT AND NASTY NEWCUMMERS

Baby Doll Pictures

Rating: ONE "There's A First Time For Everything, Even A 1" BUSTED NUT

Let me quote the box cover if I may: “Six Little Hotties Get It On!”

Okay no problems there.

“Hot & Horny Video Virgins offering their FRESH MEAT for the very FIRST TIME”

Okay, still no issue here.

Now for the title “HOT & NASTY NEWCUMMERS.” Let me just stop you right there. Yes they are hot and being that this was, in fact, their very first scene, I guess you can, in fact, call them new comers, but Nasty? Not so much.

NIKKI BLAZE'S ASS IS NO STRANGER TO CASUAL VISITORS. NIKKI, HOWEVER, WOULD MUCH RATHER PLAY YAHTZEE, A FINE, FINE BOARD GAME, THAN TO ENTERTAIN. PITY.

For example, RACHEL LOVE: Rachel is super-hot and an obvious newcomer but is not nasty…no, not nasty at all. Let's just say that Rachel takes a load on a face so tight lipped that you'd have thought she was holding her breathe whilst laying on the bottom of her swimming pool. Note to Rachel: you don’t have to like it… but making it look like you do will help a whole lot. Know what I mean?

Let's get back to the box cover if I may: “Little NIKKI BLAZE gets a raunchy backdoor visit.” After watching the scene I was left wishing that little Nikki’s raunchy backdoor visit was, in fact, a visit: a friend, a neighbor, say a PG&E guy, whoever, literally...visiting. Because the promised “backdoor visit” was, in fact, raunchy although was as pleasurable to behold as a prison rape--and not the good kind either.

While Baby Doll Pictures continues to bring you tomorrow’s stars today, they seriously missed the mark with this one. Lots of sexy girls, some okay fucking, too much “I really wish I had stayed in school” looks on these bitches faces. Which for some would have been reason enough for FIVE. Just not me. -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/253665.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

WHILE PRESIDENT BUSH FEARS "ANIMAL-HUMAN HYBRIDS," WE WONDER ALOUD IF IT CAN BE FUCKED. PLUS: JUDGE ROY BEAN SEES A DEAD MAN. FAILS TO TAKE PICTURES, A SLUT SOMEWHERE [PARIS, BRITNEY, COURTNEY?] DID SOMETHING WITH SAUSAGE NOT YOURS. LESBIANS

AND while the entire country of IRAN calls for a National Contest to come up with the funniest Holocaust cartoon [SkullGame will gladly accept all prize monies for that one for our Belzec Schmelzec Laff Riot], Israel dispatches its most feared weapon yet.

THE KUNG FU JEW!!!

DENISE RICHARDS, IN A CUNTLY MOVE, SIMULTANEOUSLY BESMEARS CHARLIE SHEENS GOOD NAME & COCK BLOCKS HIM FOR FUTURE QUIM BY CASTING ACCUSATIONS OF THE HIV, SLUT FUCKAGE

OH SURE. THE SEA SLUT IS WORRIED ABOUT HIM GIVING HER AIDS.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Actress and Cock Blocker Extraordinaire DENISE RICHARDS hysterically reportedly rushed to a medical clinic for testing after finding out husband CHARLIE SHEEN, went CHARLIE SHEEN on her, and fucked a bunch of fine ass ho's during their marriage.

A representative for the actress has confirmed to SkullGame that the actress was tested for sexually transmitted diseases at a Thousand Oaks, Calif., clinic on January 27, in an effort to destroy Sheen's ho-getting abilities through character assassination. Richards was tested for "HIV", and a string of other spurious blood tests were conducted to detect "every disease known to man," according to a source. "Including the kind that apparently destroys your career."

The 35-year-old actress had been trying to reconcile with her estranged husband for the last 10 months. According to insiders, she finally decided to end the relationship for good after the couple took a holiday in Barbados in December, and Sheen, in a move bespeaking of massive big ball-i-tude, was caught kissing another woman on the beach.

Both parties filed a request on January 4 to have a private judge appointed to their divorce case. Sheen is seeking joint custody of their two children, Sam, 23 months, and Lola, 8 months, while Richards is asking for sole custody.

Bitch.

DISPATCH FROM WISE-UPTONIA FOR LANCE ARMSTRONG

AGGGGGHHHHHH....LANCE'S EYES!!!!!!!! AND OURS TOOOOOO!!! OUR EYES!!! GAAAHHHHHH!!

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Cyclist LANCE ARMSTRONG pulled out of presenting at the Grammy Awards Wednesday night because he didn't want to run the risk of stumbling headlong into yet another screeching rendition of Leaving Las Vegas or indeed any song sung by his ex, SHERYL CROW, at the event.

The seven-time Tour De France winner announced his life-saving split from "rocker" Crow over the weekend and didn't feel "good" about attending music's big night at the Staples Center. What on account of the very real possibility of her, her mouth and her songs, making an appearance.

Crow still went ahead with her presenting plans at the Grammys -- she handed out rock supergroup Cream's Lifetime Achievement Award with Sting, and then honored Green Day with the 2006 Record of the Year for Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

She thanking the God of Abraham, did not perform.

"I WENT TO SAN FRANCISCO, AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS DEAD BODY. AND ARRESTED." JUDGE ROY BEAN ENCOUNTERS SAN FRANCISCO GENTRIFICATION FIRST HAND

"I SUCKED ALIVE & NOW I'M SUCKING DEAD. THANKS. ANYTHING YOU GIVE WILL BE APPRECIATED. YOU FUCK.

I found a dead guy in the alley tonight...

Lots of homeless folk 'round these here parts; as is par for the course in the inner city (let alone the most expensive city in the U.S. where people who can't afford it still try to hang with it; how they even manage to eat without being of the "professional persuasion" is beyond me, because this shit is fucking pricey)...

Being increasingly familiar with my neighborhood, I've learned to cut corners and manuever off of the main strips to save time and preserve the laziness that follows 9 hours of soul-sucking meetings with corporate douchebags. Tonight I decided to venture out to the nightlife with my current housemate the Rev. Isiah Basketball Thomas, certified pimp motherfucker, to celebrate the end of a very trying day. The Rev., being all of 4 ft. tall and of the buck o five variety, couldn't hang for long and thus needed to retreat home after it became glaringly obvious that we weren't to procure any hipster vagina this eve. And also because he was already drunk...and talking of "persian titties"-- while also becoming visibly displeased everytime I blasphemed or took the lords name in vain. But mostly it was because he was drunk. And I didn't have any weed. No weed= no ministry, if you aren't hip to the current evangelical fact.

So he passes out. At 9:00. In his shoes. With the lights on and the sink running. I figure I've done something right...

Still feeling the need to get my crunk on; I hit a local corner store, taking the off-beaten route via a nearby alleyway. He caught my eye immediately, and I didn't have to get too close to know that I had stumbled upon the recently deceased. Live eyes don't glisten in the alley-lights, for some reason. Perhaps hope is a dulling mechanism? One can only speculate. Nonetheless he is obviously dead, and I as I get closer he only appears more dead than what he did 40 yards prior.

"Fuck..."

I hate to think that I'm not the first person to come across this man, but experience leads me to believe that the whole "displacement of responsibility" clause of the human contract hasn't been recently nullified. In the city, as many of you know, you mind your own business...or else.

Well...he looked like a decent guy. Unfortunate? Sure. Riddled with problems that were at least partially brought upon him by himself? Almost definately. However, this is somebody's son, brother, friend, father--and he probably doesn't deserve (any more than the rest of us) to rot in an alleyway.

So I dial 911.

It takes the cops 30+ min. to respond, and when they do they shake ME down--as if I were the proverbial one...

..."but no no no it ain't me babe. No no no it ain't me babe. It ain't me. It ain't me. It ain't me."

They check me for tattoos of gang affiliation, even if I am a well-dressed and, inarguably, a handsome, sophisticated man. Am I Norteno? Am I Sureno? For some reason no one can believe that somebody who found a dead body--and reported it-- isn't a gang member directly related to said death. Normal people just go to Starbucks? Was it because I pointed out their negligence, and sloth-like demeanor is responding to a report of a DEAD BODY IN THE STREETS? I guess, since I don't look like a Mission street person, I must be a drug dealer? I thought to tell them that I do all my drugs instead of selling them, but such probably wouldn't have been a wise decision.

1 1/2 hours later and I finally get home and get to drink my goddamn beer. If finding dead bodies becomes a regular occurence, I suppose I will just adapt and try my best not to acclimate. No need in calling the authorities. Had I been possessing anything beyond my requisite charm and boyish good looks I would have probably been tossed in the can on some bullshit; with no mind being paid to my heeding to the samaritan-like ethos.

I am moving to the Tenderloin to befriend transsexual hookers and the guy that I saw yelling at an coffee shop sign yesterday. He said "they have bulletproof vests lined with caviar". I figure he was just confused. I, on the other hand, am not.

P.S. I am hurting inside now and could really use some sex. Make of this what you will, call your pretty friends, and relay the sob story. K KTHNXBYELOL!!!

blackhole_27

THE WORLD'S GREATEST FUCKING JACKET!!!

NAUTICA THORN from FLESH HUNTER 6

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=131446

IT PICKS YOU UP, WHILE IT LETS YOU DOWN

A man who pleaded guilty to burglarizing his neighbor's house while the neighbor was being taken to the hospital because he was having a heart attack was sentenced to 20 years in prison. Matthew Paul Hernandez Jr., 42, received the maximum sentence for felony burglary from District Judge Kenneth Neill. "This defendant is a repeat felon who took advantage of a medical emergency," prosecutor John Parker said Tuesday. "A real neighbor in that situation would have brought dinner over. But instead, he tried to rip them off." Hernandez's family and boss argued for a minimum sentence, saying he needed treatment for a methamphetamine addiction.

DIRTY BIRDS: GREAT BRITAIN'S DIRTIEST

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: TWO "Cor, Blimey!" BUSTED NUTS

With ALICIA RHODES suggesting she could've had a career in parliament, but chose to "suck and fuck, and take it in [her] dirty little back box" for a living, DIRTY BIRDS certainly looks fun; if a little too "British" for my liking, wot given me being British and all. But as long as BEN DOVER and SHAG NASTY don’t cameo, this shit could be a-fucking-okay…

ZIG-GA, ZAG-GA, ZIG-GA, ZAG-GA, OI, OI, OI!!!! POPPY MORGAN, MANCHESTER UNITED FAN. SALUTING HER FAVORITE FUCKING TEAM!!!

So I’ll forgive POPPY MORGAN the below average face and schoolgirl body (she literally pales in comparison to any American starlet you care to mention) – what I can’t forgive is that shitty British habit of not giving a good blowjob. If you’re in porn, take that meat as far as you can – just to manage the purple helmet is a shambolic disgrace and her wages should be revoked. However she does get fucked off the sofa – literally – but that shit should be for the outtakes, not the main event. Strike one…

MICHELLE B. – the wannabe Barbie from BITCHES IN HEAT #2 – is revealed as a (supposed) 23yr old from Manchester – my home town, no less. That’ll account for her premature aging, necking 3-litre bottles of White Lightning cider and MD 20/20 in the parks at 9 years of age. Haha… good tits though, and she loves it in her "dirtbox" – how the fuck we Brits come up with the worst sexual phrases imaginable is beyond me.

ISABEL ICE, a filthy middle-England "buggery addict" (they just get better, don’t they?). And she ain’t kidding – her personal dildo could kill small children if wielded incorrectly. Causing a stir by being the only girl here who can suck cock successfully, she momentarily restores my faith in my country. Even if she does probably hunt game and fuck her dad on those quiet Sunday afternoons.

I’ll be honest, I’m a trifle scared by SOPHIE LEE – with strange teeth and even stranger eyes, she looks like an Andrew Lloyd Webber muse on steroids. Oh how Phantom of the Opera might’ve turned out if this bitch had prick-teased Michael Crawford. Alicia Rhodes fairs a little better, in Hollywood heels and with pillows for lips (on her face, not her "muff", thankfully) and with no less than three cocks to accommodate she fucks a good game. And her gaping asshole reminded me of the psychedelic trip sequence in 2001, such is its majesty.

Sadly though guys, I ain’t been converted. For all their trying, a good old American girl could fuck a British girl off the screen any day. And on that note, I’m off to scrub my slag’s queef and rim her rusty keyhole. Cheerio chaps! -- TEABAG

Buy It NOW!

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PRIVATE MOVIES #19: FUCK YOUR NEIGHBOUR

Private

Rating: FIVE "Get Offa My Lawn" BUSTED NUTS

Hey, Fuck your neighbour!

No, Fuck your neighbour!

I couldn’t help myself; that title just makes me laugh. This movie, directed ANTONIO ADAMO, is being advertised as Private’s “New look.” From what I seen, the new look is no different from the old look. We still got the whole looking-into-the-camera thing; still have the overdubbed moaning on a continuous loop and most importantly…still the same ole hot, hot Euro-pussy one comes to expect from a Private production.

ELINOR LOOKING EXACTLY LIKE THAT BROAD ME & SAL DOUBLETEAMED. I MEAN EXCEPT SHE AIN'T FAT, HAIRY OR CRAZY.

This movie like most Antonio Adamo productions tries to wrap a halfway engaging story around all the fucking and sucking going on, this story being a young student falls in love with his female neighbor who turns out to be a porn star. Initial shock and anger aside our young protagonist finds the idea of boning a porn star titillating and the film culminates in him boning her down with some other dude while next to an indoor pool as her friends look on…you know, just like in real life…Antonio Adamo’s life.

Lots of DP’s, anal and some great oral and facial cum shots, everything is filmed in that, we-are-real-filmmakers style of movie making, where every shot is perfect and a stray shadow is virtually impossible to find.

Anyhow, starring LISA HONEY, VANESSA HILL and VALENTINA VELASQUEZ to name a few, I would have to say that this movie by Private is a definite buy. Which says a lot since in the past I have bashed Private again and again for that whole creepy staring-into-the-camera thing…. -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/244376.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SKULLGAME FUCKS YO' COUCH, NIGGAS. [A SUPERBOWL STORY OF FAILURE.] & CALLS BULLSHIT ON VANITY FAIR'S "TITTY" ACTION WHILE BRITNEY DRIVES WITH COCK IN MOUTH & MUSLIMS RIOT PEACEFULLY OVER YOSEMITE SAM. PLUS WE THANK JESUS FOR NOT KILLING VINNIE!!

BUT first, and in honor of all of the peaceful Islamic religion's rioting worldwide over a cartoon depiction of the prophet MOHAMMED, we have received word from YASSER ARAFAT from beyond the great beyond that maybe that whole 72 virgin thing promised in Islam to the true believers BY MOHAMMED was not all it's cracked up to be, throwing into the spotlight the possibility that Islam is as full of shit as every one of the other world religions, with the following snapshot gifted to us by a Jew.

AAAGGGGHHHHHH....MY EYES!!!!!! MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!

AND IF THAT WASN'T GAY ENOUGH: A SUPERBOWL STORY OF BROKEBACKIAN PROPORTIONS WHEREIN TWO FAGS CONSPIRE TO FIX A GAME THAT SUBSEQUENTLY FUCKS ME OUT OF FEBRUARY RENT MONEY.

HAPPY NEGRO HISTORY MONTH, BITCHES!!!

DETROIT (SkullGame) -- And we quote: "If you don't cover the goddamned spread you don't get $4000. And not only do you not get the $4000. You don't even get a little bit of anything. Welcome to suckerville. See you next month!!!"

VANITY FAIR IN FAG FIT OF FALSEHOOD PROMISES TITTY, GIVES US THE PHOTO GAY

THEIR VERSION OF NAKED.

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Young movie beauties SCARLET JOHANSSON and KEIRA KNIGHTLEY have "bared" "all" for the annual Hollywood issue of Vanity Fair magazine.

The magazine insists that Johansson, 21, and Knightley, 20, appear "naked" alongside clothed designer Tom Ford in a special shoot by legendary photographer Annie Leibovitz despite the fact that nowhere in evidence is anything load worthy other than tastefully gay shots of sluts covering up whilst our chagrin at having our jerk efforts thusly stymied quickly leads to looking at pictures of former Gucci designer, the satanic Tom Ford, while blaming him and fearing the awesome power of his gay-inducing stare.

Ford explains, "I didn't want to make anybody feel uncomfortable. A lot of women actually, a couple of men, too, wanted to take their clothes off. These are such beautiful people, beautiful women, and who doesn't want to see a bit of them. Well, ME, for one."

In the issue, the sluts appear NEARLY nude in a move that will cause us to scorn the magazine greatly. Tom Ford we leave the fuck alone. But Vanity Fair? A beacon to the gay of heart. For goddamned sure.

NOW THIS IS NAKED!!! THANK YOU KEIRA. THANK YOU!!!

BRITNEY SPEARS DRIVES WITH COCK IN MOUTH. OOPS. WE MEAN SON IN HER LAP.

SPEARS TRYING TO "BOUNCE BACK" AFTER HER PREGNANCY WITH A LIGHT STARBUCKS DOUBLE DOUBLE SHAKEN MOCHA WITH CREAM, CRISCO & BACON GREASE.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- BRITNEY SPEARS has hit back after she was criticized for driving with a cock in her mouth. Oops. We mean, her baby son on her lap -- blaming the paparazzi for "stalking" her.

The singer was attacked by child safety campaigners after pictures appeared Monday showing her driving along California's Pacific Coast Highway in her black Lincoln Navigator with a five-inch cock....oops. We mean a five-month-old Sean Preston sitting on her lap.

According to People magazine, Spears had sat the baby on her lap while her bodyguard went into a branch of Starbucks. After the bodyguard returned, photographers began to hassle the singer, so she sped off while still holding a tuggle on her tongue. Oops. We mean, her son.

But Spears has released a statement that reads: "Today I had a horrifying, frightful encounter with the penis. I instinctively took measures to get it out of harm's way. But the penis continued to slip out, needing to be replaced."

"I love my son and would do anything to protect him."

DOUBLESTANDARDS PREVAIL OVER DOUBLETEAMINGS IN JUDGE ROY BEAN'S WAR AGAINST ARCHAIC DOGMATIC RELIGIOUS DOCTRINES: MUSLIMS GLOBALLY CONTINUE TO ACT LIKE PUSSIES WHILE PUSSIES CONTINUE TO ACT LIKE MUSLIMS—ELUDING US EVERY PLACE BUT THE LAUNDROMAT ON 25th AND MISSION.

PALESTINIAN WOMAN AADILA NAAJIDAH VISITS THE MACK AVE. EMBASSY IN HOPES OF GETTING HER “PASSPORT STAMPED” ONLY TO BE LEFT QUESTIONING WHY THE “CONCIERGE SERVICE” ARRIVED FROM BEHIND AND BROUGHT AN EXTRA VEIL.

GAZA STRIP (SkullGame) — After viciously murdering New York City residents, Russian schoolchildren, London commuters, Egyptian tourists, Israeli Olympians, Balinese vacationers, and managing to actively participate in the gross majority of the worlds 100+ currently waged wars: Islamic fundamentalists around the globe are finally “outraged” after a Danish publication printed unflattering cartoons and text that depicted fanatical fundamentalists with terrorist tendencies as being fanatical fundamentalists with terrorist tendencies; as well as subtly hinting that their women oftentimes smell of a gym locker and sport snatches occupied by the not-so-mythical “heebie jeebie”aka Steve Orenstein—closet homosexual and jew-motherfucker of Wicked Pictures and Pity Patent #001 “The Holocaust-all rights reserved” fame.

Dainty men and be-moustached women alike abandoned their taxi cabs and tied their goats to bicycle racks world-wide last weekend to demonstrate against what they claim is a “great offense to Islam”; stopping only to tend to their knuckle hair and their corner liquor stores before returning to hurl rocks at EU buildings and imitate animals mating by, of course, mating with their animals.

“The Indonesian government condemns the printing of the caricatures of the Prophet Muhammad. The insult to religious symbols has hurt the feelings of the Muslim…much more than the "TEAMING UP FOR GODDAMNED AMERICA" campaign hurt the feelings of my sister after I took her to the town square and threw battery acid in her face for being all promiscuous and shit,” Indonesian president Susilo Bambang Yuduhoyono remarked Saturday afternoon.

In related news, SkullGame officials still can’t figure out exactly where Yethib is, or if there are any lesbians there. Lesbians that don’t dress like lesbians, act like lesbians where we can see, give CORNHOLIO legitimate “vibes”, and then leave without even so much as loaning us $5 for to cure our hardons with prescription pain medication—as that seems to be all we are running into lately outside of Guatemalans at the Laundromat that think we are “cute” and “funny” and “nice”; among other miscalculations.

OHHH...THE AGONY OF THE FUCKING IRONY...

A CIA worker was arrested and charged with being a serial burglar responsible for more than a dozen incidents near the spy agency's headquarters. Fairfax County police said Tuesday that George C. Dalmas III had been charged with 17 burglaries in McLean, Virginia, between October and last month. Dalmas, 44, of Falls Church, faced numerous counts of burglary and grand larceny, and investigators said other charges were possible. Investigators said Dalmas was tracked down after an intruder broke into the home of Lori Myer on January 24. She was able to give police information from the license plates of the suspect's getaway car.

SEAN MICHAELS ROCKS THAT ASS #25

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: THREE "Completing The Picture" BUSTED NUTS

One of the sages at Casa Skull recently observed that a hot girl can only look hotter with a cock up her ass. This, indeed, is an irrefutable truth, as irrefutable as her looking even hotter than THAT if it’s OUR cock up her ass.

This is the main selling point of SEAN MICHAELS ROCKS THAT ASS #25; specifically, the hot ass played by BRIANNA LOVE, and our dick being pretty well represented by the man in the movie’s title.

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE BUT WE STRONGLY SENSE THAT IT'S GOING TO HAVE A LOT TO DO WITH BRIANNA LOVE, AND A FACEFUL OF CRAP.

Love’s got that squeaky clean sexiness to her. Literally. She’s like fucking Minnie Mouse. With long legs.

The problem with this movie isn’t this scene at all. It’s rather the other ones – or lack of ones that come close to the fitting opener. LUSCIOUS LOPEZ is pretty hot – her ass is kind of the equivalent of a muscle car’s block engine, and you supply the piston (rim shot).

But other than that, the women in this movie, not that we’d kick them out of bed for horrific tattoos or sloppy boobs, are cuts way below. Is Brianna worth the price of admission? You know she’s doing anal in some other fine Red Light/Platinum X movies, right? We’re all hissing a collective “yes.” – STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/253785new.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

FUCKFEST

Sin City

Rating: THREE "A Cock In Every Mouth" BUSTED NUTS

240. Minutes. Dollars. Inches.

It's all substantial no matter whether you fucking choke it or poke it or leave it alone. And this fucking FOUR HOURS of porn is nothing if not the ULTRA ORGY it's described as. Every set up imaginable, every professional porn fucker imaginable, every everything imaginable. And minute after 239 other minutes it seems like it's the functional equivalent of being FORCED to jerk off.

THIS. FOREVER. OR AT LEAST 240 MINUTES. WHICHEVER COMES FIRST.

What's that you say? It's like that old joke where the guy goes to the 24-hour store and finds it closed and he waits until it opens and says, "hey! I thought this was a 24-hour store" and then the other guys screams at him "NOT IN A ROW." That I'm not supposed to watch all 240 fucking minutes at ONCE?!?!?

The fuck I'm not.

In any case I STARTED to do exactly that: watch, nut, and go about my day.

But I watched, didn't nut. Watched some more, didn't nut some more, watched some more, lurking in the vicinity of semi-turgid or full-blown turgid. Minimized the screen so I could write while I didn't nut and next thing I know it's over. And I go to the grocery store and I find myself mystified that every broad who I meet -- the checker at Safeway, the old lady fucking in line at the ATM, the morbidly obese bitch whose car almost hits me in the parking lot -- doesn't have my cock in her mouth.

She does not. And this saddens and shocks me. Both. And neither do the women on the street, at the bus station. In fact, my cock finds nothing at home when I get home but 240 minutes of porn, balls that ache and the crushing reality that this much reality in my porn is maybe not good for me. I mean GONZO is as GONZO does and it does so in a way that is above all QUICK....and it's quickness does nothing to stain my REALITY.

But this 240 minute opus was like Proust. And just as sexy.

But it gets THREE busted nuts for being named after my favorite OXBOW record of all time. -- VINNIE ROSE

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/240487.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

MEATBALL

Arrow

Rating: FIVE "More, More, More" BUSTED NUTS

The theme song is as catchy as any theme song in the history of theme songs that managed to mix and match the sheer genius of "BY...MEN-NEN!" with "NA-BIS-CO!" and here in this '70s grindhouse regular the haunting cry of "MEAT. BALLS." rockets through the ages and into the newly released on DVD flick with DR. SCHMOCK (NY porn that heavily mines the industry's the Hebrew-Yiddisher Mami mines) HARRY REEMS. That and the snake dancing dingle that rocks to the jingle "MEAT. BALLS." throughout the trailer.

NOTE FOR PORN PURISTS: THE ABOVE PHOTO IS NOT FROM MEATBALLS BUT IS AN IMMEDIATELY PRE-RETIREMENT STILL OF REEMS ABOUT TO REAM A VERY YOUNG CHRISTY CANYON. YEAH. EXACTLY. A CAUSAL CONNECTION BETWEEN THE TAYTAY-OLOGY & THE LAST FLICK HE EVER MADE? COULD BE....COULD BE......

And the rest of the film, stinking as it does of yayo, mob money, and higher, make that HIGHER aspirations tells the story of DR. SCHMOCK, a zany fucking nutty nutty nutty mad-scientist who discovers Preparation X. You see, it's a formula that can make an ordinary meatball swell to twice its normal size. But whenever a guy eats it.......waaaaiiiiitttt........it also has a similar effect on HIM.

Get it?

Well REEMS, like the good Albert Hoffman before him who tripped on LSD for a week after taking the first major dose of the argot, fucks and gets sucked through the remainder of this 70 minute romp.

BUT IS IT GOOD?!?!?!?

Fuck YEAH. Despite the compulsively smirking REEMS [an earlier and Jewier incarnation of Commander in Thief Bush?], this flick is MADE purely on the presence of famous disco singer ANDREA TRUE, pubic hair, appropriately twisted direction by DEEP THROATS' Damiano, and good "old-fashioned" fucking but people who STILL thought fucking on FILM was not a career move but a totally transgressive and transcendent way to spend an afternoon, a bindle of coke and your seed. -- VINNIE ROSE

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/222992.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

NUT BUSTERS #6

Anarchy Films

Rating: ONE "Is The Loneliest Number" BUSTED NUTS

On the high end of blown load compilation films you have films like “CUM DUMPSTERS” and “LOADS OF CUM” on the low end however you have “NUT BUSTERS #6.”

What makes it so bad, you ask.

WELL IT COULDN'T BE THE LOADS & LOADS DEPOSITED ON THE UPPER LIP OF ALEKTRA BLUE, NOW, COULD IT?

For one there is an awful lot of lead up to the load on the face [or down the throat]. Secondly, a lot of the scenes are blowjob scenes, which means, too much male equipment and not enough female equipment. So you might wonder what are its good qualities? Well for one, the females are pretty cute and second…second…I think that’s pretty much it for good qualities.

So, is this a buy or no buy?

I would have to say if you're into blowjob films, it’s a good buy. If you're like me and are into compilations of chicks getting loads of loads blown down their throats and all over their faces, I would definitely pass on this and buy one of the “Cum Dumpsters” series, or one of the many, many OTHER great movies put out by Anarchy Films.

But NUT BUSTERS? While this certainly BUSTED my nuts, it probably didn't do so in the way that they were fucking intending. Jesus. -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/249009.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

ANSWER: HEROIN!!! AND WITH THE POST-UFC CHUCK LIDDELL PARTY, THE SUPERBOWL PARTY & THE "SANCTIONED" DEFEAT OF THE SEATTLE SODOMITES WE COUNT OUR MONEY, GET DIZZY, SLEEPY & RUN A SUPERBOWL/UFC BEST OF COMPENDIUM SO WE CAN GET SOME GODDAMNED SLEEP!

AND IN an amazing recreation of Sunday's game The SkullGame Players recreate the game for those whose halfway houses did not provide televised access to the goddamned game.

STEELERS, 21 -- CHICKENHAWKS, 10

Last year's SUPERBOWL coverage brought to you by PISSING COP ENTERPRISES. Because If It Ain't A Pissing Cop? It Ain't Worth A Shit!

WHEN YOU HAVE A PISSING COP...

YOU GOT THE WORLD BY THE BALLS. AND AN ELEVATOR THAT SMELLS LIKE...VICTORY.

EMMITT SMITH CRIES LIKE A BABY AT SUPERBOWL PRESS CONFERENCE WHEREIN HE MOURNS ALL THE GOOD PUSSY HE'S RETIRING FROM FUCKING

"AND...AND...I'LL...I'M CHOKED UP HERE...BUT I'M GONNA MISS THE MANY HO'S IN THE MANY AREA CODES THAT I HAD GROWN INCREASINGLY ACCUSTOMED TO BANGING WITH RELATIVE IMPUNITY ON ANY GIVEN SUNDAY. THIS IS TRULY A GREAT AND DEVASTATING AMERICAN TRAGEDY."

JACKSONVILLE (SkullGame) -- Emmitt Smith, the NFL's all-time rushing leader, announced his retirement in Jacksonville on Thursday. Smith spent 13 seasons with the Dallas Cowboys, who he helped to Super Bowl wins in 1992, 1993 and 1995, two years with the Arizona Cardinals, and 3567 nights with strange road skank, as is the wont of every NFL great who is not TERRELL OWENS, STEVE YOUNG, JEFF GARCIA or DAVID KOPAY.

The 35-year-old, an eight-time Pro-Bowler, amassed 18,355 yards on 4,409 carries with 164 touchdowns, as well as 2794 consecutive nights of easily racked coitus.

An emotional Smith went on to thank an impressive list that included former team-mates, trainers, companies, friends, family and random sports sluts.

"I also want to thank the players I competed against," he added. "Without competition, I don't think I would have strived to become the Wilt Chamberlain-esque man I've been off court."

When reminded that football is played on a field and not a court, Smith clarified, "whatever."

THE ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP: ITALIAN SAL INTERVIEWS A RING GIRL

ESPECIALLY IF BY INTERVIEW YOU MEAN ASKING A FEW QUESTIONS...ABOUT HER ASS.

ITALIAN SAL: Here we are in the beautiful Mandalay Bay Arena with RACHEL-AMBER-WHATEVER. How you doing?

RACHEL-AMBER-WHATEVER: Oh, I'm tired. I've been up for two days. Doing shows and traveling and...

IS: I love you...

R-A-W: Hahahah...what?!?!

IS: ...with a love that can only be expressed through song...

R-A-W: Oh...my...God...

IS: I know, baby, I know....love is like that. You know...

R-A-W: ...there's BAS RUTTEN!!! Look, I'll be back.

IS:...a lesbian ladies and gentlemen. A lesbian.

A SCIENTIFIC SKULLGAME SPORTS STUDY: PUSSY'S GOOD. UNLESS YOU HAVE PLANS TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN FUCK IT.

A RECENT INSTITUTE STUDY HAS FOUND THAT A WHOPPING 69 PERCENT OF PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES AGREE, "GAMES ARE FUN, BUT PUSSY IS FLEETING. WE'LL TAKE THE PUSSY!!!"

Due to a recently received sports medicine grant, offered to the fraudulently created SG International Global Inc., we here at SKULLGAME have undertaken to protect ourselves from possible future prosecution by actually printing the results of our findings in the hope that it might help aspiring athletes avoid the pitfalls that have claimed some of the sports world's greatest. And to keep us from getting popped on a Bunco rap. So with no further ado.

SG International Global Inc.'s Sports Study On Sex And The Loser Athlete

FIRST CASE: TIGER WOODS

HAVE YOU SEEN ME? AT THE TOP OF THE LEADERBOARD? AT ALL? ANYTIME THIS YEAR? I DIDN'T THINK SO. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME I'VE GOT TO SEE A SWEDE ABOUT A SAUSAGE

An interesting case indeed. TIGER WOODS was on course to be one, if not THE most dominating player the game of golf (not technically a sport because you see a sport is an endeavor where it is not possible to be beaten by a 13-year old girl, unless you are a 13-year old girl, but why quibble?) has ever seen. Until he met the woman who is now his fiancee, ELIN NORDEGREN. Not only is she Swedish, which means from Sweden, a country known for amongst other things rolling ass up for the Nazis and meatballs. She is also a nude figure model.

ELIN NORDEGREN PLANNING ON HOW BEST TO DESTROY TIGER WOODS BEFORE DECIDING ON: PUSSY

Case closed.

SECOND CASE: PETE SAMPRAS

WINNER!!!

We don't really know too much about tennis. Is it a sport? Is it an exercise? We strongly suspect some sort of GAY component but of this we are not sure. In any case PETE SAMPRAS was like THE BEST at it. Especially if by IT you mean skipping around a clay court grunting and whatnot. No matter. He was the best. And then he met "actress" BRIDGETTE WILSON.

NOT ANYMORE. SAMPRAS UNDER THE WATCHFUL AND BALEFUL GLARE OF THE SHE-BEAST WHO CONTROLS HIS EVERY WAKING MOMENT

And then his face became the face of those that envy the dead.

CASE C: ANDY RODDICK

RODDICK STARING INTO THE YAWNING AND GRAYING VOID OF HIS FUTURE

Another tennis player. Another "actress", this one named MANDY MOORE. Maybe it's the effeteness of the sport that breeds a lesser man. Maybe it's the tight white shorts and socks. Maybe since the juiced up, coked out Irishman JOHNNY MAC left the game it's been largely felt to be a safe haven for men who want to lose. We do not know this as it sits beyond the cost parameters of this study. However we do know this: Andy might as well start telling people his last name is GIBB because he is dead.

SUMMARY: Tennis is gay and golf isn't much better.

A SKULLGAME WRITER'S WORK IS NEVER DONE!!!

A man who was stopped for driving erratically on a divided highway was distracted because he was looking at pornography, authorities said. David Kennedy, 33, of Nashville, was charged with felony reckless endangerment after motorist Deborah Dotson reported Friday afternoon that he nearly ran her vehicle off State Route 840 several times. Rutherford County Deputy Tony Hall pulled over Kennedy based on Dotson's report. "When I made contact with the driver of the suspect vehicle, a Mr. David Kennedy, there were several pornographic magazines on the seat next to him," Hall said in his report. A hearing on the charge is set for Feb. 22 in General Sessions Court in Murfreesboro, a Nashville suburb.

JOEY SILVERA’S HELLCATS #9

Twins? Identical twins? That are

like 19 years old? And get done

like a steak? Yeahhh...show me

the way....

251529

JENNA JAMESON: REVEALED

Peach

Rating: ONE "For The Rage It Gave Me" BUSTED NUTS

What's the sound of one hand trying to beat the meat to a soon-to-be-crested and fallen porn star? Does it sound like an appearance on STERN's new no-hold's barred Sirius Network show? One where the tease aided and abetted by the FCC finally "revealed" JENNA to be what she is: just a nice looking face that we want to see get fucked? Not talk. Not not-talk about getting fucked, the tease failing and leaving us with a fucking Loreal commercial with tits.

Fuck her.

AN OBJECT LESSON IN BITTER MOCKERY

And fuck this. Perhaps I was not the one to wish lesbo porn upon. Perhaps the scene of EVERYBODY in the room faking orgasms as Jenna and her "friends" cavorting with perfect make up and not a load in site underscored a little too heavily MY exact role in the fucking food chain, made me a little cranky but seriously WHO...THE...FUCK...IS...THIS...SHIT...FOR?

I suspect Filipino tax scam action. This makes a perfect gift for the fella whose bachelor party you single handedly want to derail. How? With spiritless "fucking" by and with girls that look 120 times better than his fucking bride to be simultaneously making him feel thankful and resentful at fate's fickle turn: these bitches hate you AND your cock.

JENNA JAMESON: REVEALED? You goddamned right she is. -- VINNIE ROSE

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/77324.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SMALL SLUTS NICE BUTTS #4

Anarchy

Rating: FOUR & A HALF "Getting Carded At The Stop N Shop" BUSTED NUTS

I am not a particularly large man, so “small sluts with nice butts” is generally my aim for any given evening. I’ve never really been a fan of the 6 ft. tall model types; petite is what has always struck me as the feminine feature. The kind of girl that you can just pick up with one arm and toss around has always seemed so much sexier to me than any of these “long legged blonde So-Cal, making fun of my car, kinda whores”; not because I can’t or won’t hang, of course, but just because anything that makes your dick appear exponentially bigger is probably, at the least, a helpful thing. My cock in a small chick works on the same principle, methinks, as life’s most dreadful line of “reality programming”-- “When Hot Chicks Get Fat Friends”, except in this case the scenario is minus the all the requisite player-hating and cock-blocking that’s sure to arise from the latter half of the analogy.

THE CINDY CRAWFORD THAT SUCKS COCK FOR A LIVING. WAIT. UM, WE MEAN THE SHORT CINDY CRAWFORD...

“Is it safe to go the bar with this guy?”, you may find yourself asking upon taking the above into consideration. Probably not…but is your girl 5’4 105 lbs.? Can take a punch? Good. For you, that is. You’ll probably need that skill when she gets home tomorrow.

Given my voracious demeanor at the mere mention of small sluts with nice butts, it should come as no great surprise that I dug this flick in a manner most unhealthy. In fact, throwing this in after watching the Steelers piss all over you northwest homosexuals seemed to be a pretty good end to a day that didn’t necessitate my AK, as Cube would say—even if Kat kinda weirds me out (for reasons I shall not elaborate on here). Nonetheless, a bunch of size 2 hos getting slicked and tricked, mosquito bite titties all about, doing their part in what has been labeled “the great work” (i.e. the grand load extraction) is something definitely worth playing the devils advocate. For. Of course.

These girls came in on a train and will leave much the same, and if anyone has a great objection to this then I can assure you that you are not my friend…and thus good will, cheer, and “not robbing you” are actions that need not be feigned.

Am I hinting? I don’t know. Am I subtle?

You don’t say… -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/244663.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

TEX-ASS HOLE'EM

Colossal Entertainment

Rating: FIVE "On The Nuts Flush" BUSTED NUTS

I’m a self-styled poker aficionado; and such is common knowledge around the neck of the woods that I walk and stalk. I also know a bit about porn and, while I’m sure this movie isn’t the first of it’s sort (“bringing forth titties” was amended into the play of the game the second some man noticed some girl at some table wasn’t playing very well and thought to himself “it all costs me money in the end anyhow?”) I do have to give props to whatever fine individual at Colossal conceptualized this project, as it brings total sense into a world that is oftentimes downright nonsensical.

FOR EXAMPLE: SARA STONE (PICTURED) IS THE MOST UNATTRACTIVE WOMAN IN THIS VID. TRANSLATION: FUCKING BUY IT RIGHT GODDAMN NOW!!!

Where else but in poker and porn is offering riches to another only to lie in a most dastardly and bastardly manner in order to reap all the benefits yourself not only the common protocol but also a source of entertainment for all that surround?

Suckers and fuckers are the only two indulgers in either realm, so we can save the clever metaphoric bullshit for those things that aren’t essentially the same—for both of these games are governed by the same basic laws and practices. I act like I have something better than what I do, you fall for it, and thus give me something more than I deserve. Sound familiar to anyone?

Thankfully your chances of getting called and having to explain yourself to the greater part of Italian Sal’s family in a room “reserved for our favorite guests” are much less likely if you play the safe route by just buying this DVD and keeping your ass out of Atlantic City. As in the world of whores, playing poker is best suited for motherfuckers that know what they are doing (us) as opposed to those that don’t (not us); so just take KATJA KASSIN and EVA ANGELINA and cash out for the night. You’ll be doing yourself a favor.

In fact the only person whose fortune can be called into question during this exchange (assuming you heed my words) is one post-up tranny SARA STONE; who in going “all in” loses her chip stack, gains a proper gutting and butting (though not in that order necessarily), and—lo and behold—ends up winning a yeast infection; but she does it for a noble cause—namely stockholders in Monistat 7 and whatever cosmetic surgeon will be responsible for augmenting her man-jaw.

So learn from her mistakes and quit while you are ahead. Luck eventually runs out for everyone and, if so you chose to withdraw from this prime opportunity to live vicariously, we can’t accept responsibility for the whole duct-tape and tire iron surprise party that we absolutely have not been planning for you and your loved ones.

Re-raise? I wouldn’t suggest it. -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/245859.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

PUTTING THE "FAG" IN ARTFAG SINCE, UH, FOREVER

ART STUDENTS GONE WILD!!!

IT DOES A BODY GOOD!

Hate.

Say it with me: Hate.

Is there anything MORE truly American than good ol' fashioned HATE?

I think not.

Keeping in time with Black History Month, we offer up this...this...site.

In one corner..we have the aforementioned hate. Hate's tag-team partner in this bout is racism (have your attention yet?). Hate and racism take on ALL comers...the immigrant, the retarded, the victims, the sick, the weak and infirm. There are no "differently abled" here, my fine-pinioned pirates. Oh no...they are CRIPPLED. Pure and simple. Cut to the chase as it cuts to the quick.

Taking things best left unsaid (though many think them loud and clear) and turning them into public ART. Absolutely brilliant. Offensive and brilliant. Your first reaction will be of horror. "HOW can they, these art students, make fun of this?" you'll ask yourself. But you'll be back. Reading. Researching. Finding out that being offended can be fun and educating. You won't learn to be a better human. A better human? Bah! Better than what? What you will learn is that it's FUN to mock. Fun to ridicule. Fun to be mean-spirited and if this doesn't work for you, please, PLEASE don't come whining to us. I guaranteee you that we here at SkullGame have already reached this conclusion.

You want to know the funny thing? We already knew this LONG before we found this site. -- BUTCHER BOB

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A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS. WHAT?

WHAT THE HELL WOULD I NEED $100 FOR?

JESSICA from SPACE INVADERZ

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ANOTHER METH ACHIEVER, ANOTHER METH ACHIEVEMENT

Former Full House cutie Jodie Sweetin, 24, has earned herself a spot on the list of child stars gone wrong. Sweetin, who played middle sister Stephanie Tanner on the hit sitcom, revealed that she is a recovering meth addict. The ex-actress says "There is a certain sense of loss when a series ends. It is kind of hard to figure out who you are when you've lost your job at age 13, when that was basically how you identified yourself." In an attempt to lead a "normal" kid's life, Sweetin attended high school and college, graduating with a degree in liberal arts. In 2002, she married a Los Angeles police officer. Two years ago, bored and unemployed, the former child star began experimenting with drugs as a way to pass the time. She was soon addicted to methamphetamine and using the debilitating drug every day.

COUSIN STEVIE'S PUSSY PARTY #10: WET N' WILD

Pure Play

Rating: THREE "It Might Be, It Could Be...It Is!!!" BUSTED NUTS

Harry Caray once said “When I die I hope they don’t cremate me, cause I’ll burn forever.”

Some chick in this movie once said “I’d never put a baseball bat in my ass.”

Sometimes the fruition of life and our prophecies don’t exactly line up…and you know what? That’s okay. There are a multitude of paths and until we see the very goddamned end of it all then it’s faulty to even attempt to pass judgment.

KAMI ANDREWS. AN UNREGENERATE DEGENERATE SLUT, LADIES & GENTLEMAN. THANKS FOR COMING...

I’m a fan of the girl-on-girl flicks; as I’m never particularly offended by anything I encounter when watching them. Nowadays “straight” porn? Not so much. I can pick up a flick that touts itself as hetero-positive only to see the HIV-positive unfold; guys that I used to pick fights with rubbing schlongs and thinking just because they are both looking at a female that it is, somehow, not gay to rest one man’s balls upon the ball’s of another.

Well that ain’t me babe, no no no that ain’t me.

It is true that some of these bitches are pretty goddamned haggard--but much like when you forget your umbrella in a thunderstorm; once you accept the fact that your reality is less than ideal on that given day then everything ceases to really be all that bad?

You dig? Possibly not; but then I’m left saying “hey, it’s a movie made by Cousin Stevie…”

And since I’ve never, or would ever, eat Thanksgiving dinner at your house then I suppose “the memories” are yours, and yours alone, to bear.

I’d give this a 5 if it weren’t for the fact that KAMI ANDREWS is “JULIETTE LEWIS not getting accepted into the Screen Actor’s Guild” personified: A public service announcement to stay in school. The only thing to ever make Mr. T really cry. The wrong page turned in a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book.

And that, my friends, is pretty fucking hard, emotionally, to deal with--even with the umbrella. -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

Buy It NOW!

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CHRISTOPH'S BEAUTIFUL GIRLS #21

Evil Angel

Rating: FOUR "If She Can Cut Her Own Food..." BUSTED NUTS

Mark was a skinhead. Reformed, mind you, but still prone to the same basic behaviors—drinking everything, fighting everything, hating everything…y’know, spreading butter on the loaf of life and eating it all with his eyes closed.

EVA ANGELINA. AND WHEN YOU STOP SLAPPING YOURSELF REALIZE IN THE FULL BLUSH OF ALL THAT IS HOLY: SHE GETS GORED AND GLAZED IN THIS FLICK. WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?!?!

For all his faults, Mark was, if nothing else, a man of honor and principle—the kind of guy that would mow your mothers lawn for you if your schedule wouldn’t allow it that week. The kind of guy that would hold a man down while you beat him with a vacuum cleaner upside his head after that guy and all his friends tried to bum rush you in an apartment for fucking some chumps’ girlfriend. The kind of guy that, did he see someone lay hands on a weaker-than, would proceed to kick their cheek in until nothing but gray flesh and a gaping hole would remain; only to stand up in court and have the charges dropped because, afterall, he wasn’t the bad guy.

He was the kind of guy that would invite you along to NYC to go on the Maury Povich show to tell a stripper that he once terrorized that he, indeed, was not sorry at all for scaring her psyche and leading her down a spiral that would end in her taking her clothes of for you one night in the local strip joint only try to give you a handjob in front of your increasingly-angry girlfriend; while you tried to assure said girlfriend that your compliance was simply done in the name of having one more excuse to knock back a few and tell the same stories to the same people to the same reaction…for years.

“You are a cruel individual”, Maury told Mark and Mark didn’t bend.

“Yeah, yeah, look at you now. Maybe you should be thanking me?”

Well I am thanking you Mark. In fact, I am going to send you this DVD come the weekend because I think, if nothing else, you deserve to see EVA ANGELINA's titties—for they are a truly sight to behold.

Perhaps I wouldn’t give this movie such a high rating were I not a lover at heart; for the DP’s really kind of fucked with what would have been a really smooth ride of high hoes getting the high pole, but even the momentary faggotry can’t overshadow the fact that this is, in spite of the aforementioned, fucking aces…and I’m in a good enough mood to raise a toast to that which sits as a cornerstone to our collective.

So…cheers. -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

Buy It NOW!

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JOHN WEST'S WHORE GAGGERS #6

Anarchy Films

Rating: TWO "We’ve Got A Problem Goofy, But Don’t Tell Anyone…" BUSTED NUTS

"It is a narrow though essential branch of human expression, and will chiefly appeal as always to a limited audience with keen special sensibilities. Whatever universal masterpiece of tomorrow may be wrought from phantasm or terror will owe its acceptance rather to a supreme workmanship than to a sympathetic theme. Yet who shall declare the dark theme a positive handicap? Radiant with beauty, the Cup of the Ptolemies was carven of onyx."—H.P. Lovecraft

Have you seen any of these girls before? KAYLA MARIE sounds vaguely familiar (in that I remember the last time I heard someone get sick in the next room over); but I’m sure she’s not the first bitch stupid enough to use the first 2/3rds of her Christian name assuming that nobody would know the better, so perhaps I’m confusing the territory with the map here.

"AFTER THE GAGGING, WHEN ALL THE CHOKING IS THROUGH, I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOOOUUUU" KAYLA MARIE SINGING INTO THE MIC.

Will you see any of these girls again?

Not unless you have a habit of collecting old milk cartons.

I’ve never been a fan of this breed of porn, and I’ve made that fairly well known in my days living on the Mack Ave., but I did get myself into this mess by personally picking this out of a mass of smut to review (though it should be noted that I was rather stoned at the time and also, haphazardly ["haphazardly"--VINNIE], grabbed Tranny porn—which will be sent to a new recruit thusly and unabashedly) so I can’t throw objectivity to the wind as I usually do; as I did this all to myself…just as they did.

runs fingers up and down lips will making “wubblewubble” sounds

Say you dig bile on your dick and you hold your own nose when you jump in the swimming pool? Well…I’ve encountered odder creatures in my day so sing long and sing strong mine subjects.

Say you really dig gasping and choking and you just happen to have forgotten your rope and your garrote? Well…then live hilariously and vicariously mine brethren; for we are nothing if we are not cruel.

2 points awarded for it being what it is. -3 points awarded for the National Geographic titties that are afoot.

That is all. -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

Buy It NOW!

KATJA KASSIN’S FUCK ME

Harmony

Rating: TWO "Dudes In Skirts With Florida Passport Paperwork" BUSTED NUTS

I was pretty hyped when I got handed this disc, as KATJA KASSIN (next to perhaps only CYTHEREA and that hot little slant bitch Loni) is probably my favorite pro-ho on the circuit. The reasons for this fondness are legion in number; but it’s probably her striking resemblance to a long-time girlfriend—from the build to the bone structure—and my inability not to dwell on said long, lost piece of high grade tail that has me entertaining impure thoughts at the mere mention of the name; and throwing ashtrays at myself and slamming doors late in the night because, goddammit, when we are fighting nobody sleeps…

AN ASHLEY-SPONSORED PIC OF THE PRIDE OF THE GERMAN ASS-TER RACE; KATJA KASSIN!!!

I had fully expected to give a rave review about this disc; because a Katja Kassin-sponsored spelunking expedition into that anomalous 42 inch ass is, like an XL pizza or a Rubic's cube minus the stickers, pretty hard to fuck up.

Well… leave it to Harmony to once again botch a porn ripe with possibilities. Thankfully they’ve spared us the Moby soundtrack and the Kurt Loder play-by-play that is indigenous to most of their faggish productions; but the lack of Katja Kassin actually getting fucked and the omission of one LUCY LEE (who is one of the hottest ugly bitches this side of CHLOE SEVIGNY or Weinerdog from Welcome to the Dollhouse), though she is explicitly listed on the back cover, has me slinking and sulking; prone to fits of stabbing and conniption.

This isn’t to say that this movie is a total bomb; as the Katja/LACY BLUE scene is A+, if for Lacy Blue’s portrayal of Reagan from the Exorcist, and the subsequent loads dropped down Katja’s gullet. However, when Auld Lang Syne starts erupting from the internal speakers and all the starlets gather around the pool for the grand finale of grazing and glazing—we find more dudes fucking each other than we do girls…

…And, truthfully, after all the blatant false advertising and bullshitting that I experienced since slipping this DVD in, I rather expected it.

You should buy this if you are the kind of asshole that goes to those “free” weekend timeshare resorts and ends up getting got on Sunday. Sure, you got a nice vacation spot and all, but you are still a fucking dumbass…

…and this will probably never change. -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

Buy It NOW!

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"I WANT YOUR DOG'S DICK!" PART 1 OF THE NATASHA LYONNE STORY. PLUS: ANGELINA JOLIE PREGNANT WITH SEED OF 1000 LUNATICS? ITALIAN MAN'S SEARCH FOR WALDO ENDS FRUITLESSLY & VICKY VETTE'S BATSHIT CRAZY HUSBAND SHOOTS SELF IN CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY.

AND this issue of SkullGame is brought to you by CT Industries.

CT, SPONSORED BY THE UN, FOR PRODUCTS FOR BETTER LIVING THROUGH LOADS.

ITALIAN SAL'S HOLLYWOOD MINUTE WITH: ANGELINA JOLIE

HERE SHE IS SPOTTED AT "THE CAMBODIAN BOY" STORE WHERE, APPARENTLY, ACCORDING TO THE TROLL HOLDING UP HER PAINTING OF A CAT, BOYS WERE ON SALE THAT DAY.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- In the most clever sleight of hand ever, actress, whore, humanitarian ANGELINA JOLIE has once again twisted America’s brain to overlook the fact that she is an actress, whore, humanitarian who in reality is mostly just a whore.

In a brilliantly well-choreographed move, Angelina segues from adopting starving dark-skinned foreigners to pushing out her own hell spawn. [Spectacular transition!] Sources close to Jolie, claim that the actress, whore, humanitarian will be giving birth to the “offspring of the infinitely jejeune” as the baby was described by BRAD PITT himself, after he overheard the words "offspring" and "infinitely" and "jejeune" on TV, in early May [the other words he knew himself].

Now, all of America waits with baited breath as memories of Jolie banging Mexican bus boys as her former love BILLY BOB THORNTON looked on, fade quickly from our mind--only to be overshadowed by the reality that the fruit of her loins will one day rise up to ingest copious amounts of narcotics while wondering how it is there are so many “dark-skinned people” about, who are neither mowing lawns nor cleaning kitchens.

Don’t sweat it kid, before you were born we were wondering the same thing.

VICKY VETTE'S HUSBAND, WEARY OF TRYING TO KILL HER, ATTACKS SELF, SUCCESSFULLY, DIES, MORE SUCCESSFULLY

"THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. WOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!"

ATLANTA (SkullGame) -- As of 2:30 Sunday afternoon, VICKY VETTE's wife-abusing husband, FRANK, a man with so much to live for, like...his wife feature dancing at Jezebel's in Wichita, Kansas from February 9th - 11th and fielding offers for her first interracial scene throughout February, celebrating Black History Month, with big black cock and the loads contained therein [interested load merchants may contact her at vicky@vickyathome.com]...has died in an apartment of a friend in Atlanta, Georgia.

The death has been ruled a suicide.

In a related note, VICKY will continue with her feature dance schedule as planned.

ITALIAN MAN ATTEMPTS TO TAKE JESUS TO COURT; LOCAL MEXICAN-OWNED CAR DEALERSHIPS RESPOND BY TURNING “CLOSED” SIGNS AROUND AND MILEAGE INDICATORS FORWARD BEFORE EMBARKING ON MONTH-LONG“SIESTAS” THAT SERVE TO EXCUSE WHY THEY WON’T ANSWER OUR PHONECALLS OR SELL US ANY DRUGS AND SHIT.

EMPIRICAL PROOF AGAINST AQUINIAN PHILOSOPHY; AS THEORIZED BY LUIGI CASCIOLI AND CORROBORATED BY…WELL…ALL OF US. EXCEPT STEVIE WONDER OR COURSE, BECAUSE HE CAN’T SEE AND SHIT. AND THAT DUMB BROAD MANDI AT THAT HOUSE PARTY LAST WEEKEND, BECAUSE SHE COULDN’T READ A FUCKING PICTURE IF SHE TRIED—UNLESS IT WERE OF A COCK OR A PUPPY DOG, OF COURSE.

ROME (SkullGame)—Luigi Cascioli can’t manage to find Waldo, and is, as SkullGame staffers found out Tuesday afternoon, quite upset about all that. Pacing kinds of upset. Suing kinds of upset. Cutting the heads off of goddamned horses and putting them in our beds kind of upset.

“I a looka a by the carousel. I looka a by the meatball stand. I looka a by the corner where Lucia stands on a night time. I looka a by the Vatican. I looka a everywhere and I a still cannota find that cornuto. That fortutto”, Cascioli exclaimed, talking loudly with his fists, in a candid interview granted to SkullGame reporters.

“I a will take the “church-a-most-high” themself to the court if I a must. There is a no god that would allow such cruelty, of this I am sure”, Cascioli concluded; seemingly oblivious to the fact that he lives in fucking Italy and there is no way in hell this shit is going to fly.

Cascioli’s attorney issued the following formal statement January 4th, “My client started this lawsuit because he wanted to deal the final blow against the Church, the bearer of obscurantism and regression—serving an absentee entity that has demonstrated negligence and lack of compassion and constitution by allowing such frustration to plague my client; first in failing to intervene in the kicking death of Luigi’s trusty burro Ugo—which may or maybe have happened at the feet of the plaintiff—and now in this sick, evil, twisted joke upon mankind.”

“He a is a not there…and a neither is a he”, Cascioli stated on our voicemail after the 23rd phone call we declined from him within the half hour directly after our correspondence.

Local Mexicans replied to the news in a wavering “Que?” To which we responded “Jesus? Going to court? Encarcelar?”

Nationwide people have since reported having a hard time scoring drugs since then; and nobody seems to know where out ’92 Hyundai came from, or why it won’t run anymore even though it supposedly only has 40,000 mi. on it.

A preliminary hearing is scheduled for Feb. 27th in Viterbo, Italy. Priest Enricio Righi is expected to propose that Waldo, like the Holy Son, is everywhere…it’s just Jesus Salazar and his sisters BMX bike…and his child support payments…and our $800 that is nowhere to be found.

ESCAPED DOG SUCKER-OFFER NATASHA LYONNE ON THE LOOSE!!!

"I WILL SUCKER-OFFER YOUR DOG LIKE SOUVLAKI, BABY......"

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- A judge has issued an arrest warrant for American Pie actress NATASHA LYONNE after she failed to appear in court on Friday. The troubled 26-year-old actress is facing a number of charges, including criminal mischief, harassment and trespassing. As well as intent to sucker-off a dog after Lyonne also allegedly threatened to sexually molest her former neighbor's dog during a 2004 altercation.

Friday's hearing in Manhattan Criminal Court was rescheduled after the actress missed several court dates earlier in the week. Mostly on account of the dog sucking thing.

Last week's absence marks the fourth time Lyonne has missed a court date and the third time a bench warrant has been issued for her arrest. For dogs. And sucking.

FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY...

A dominatrix was acquitted of manslaughter Monday in the death of a man who prosecutors say suffered a heart attack while strapped to a replica of a medieval rack. Barbara Asher, a 56-year-old woman who called herself Mistress Lauren M, was also cleared of dismemberment. Prosecutors said that 53-year-old Michael Lord suffered a heart attack in 2000 during a bondage session in a "dungeon" in Asher's condominium and that Asher did nothing to help him for five minutes for fear authorities would find out about her business. Asher had her boyfriend chop up the body of the 275-pound retired telephone company worker, and they dumped it behind a restaurant in Maine, prosecutors said. His remains have never been found.

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I'LL RACE YOU TO MY ASS.
ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GO.

CHARMANE STAR from ONCE YOU GO BLACK 2

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