skull_weblog

ERIK EVERHARD'S CUM FILLED ASSHOLE OVERLOAD #2

And here we thought this was some

sorta political drama or somethin'...

233173

blackhole_96

"I'M THE AMAZING PUSSYCATWOMAN

AND I FUCKING VOTE!!!"

ROXY JEZEL from WEAPONS OF ASS DESTRUCTION #3

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=210515

CUM SWAPPING AND LOLLIPOPS

Colossal Entertainment

Rating: TWO "Fucking Up The Unfuckinguppable" BUSTED NUTS

The porny world can’t just come out and say it; can’t just come out and give it straight to us straight dudes.

Our collective fantasy? Fucking two (or more) girls at once.

Soooo, make a product line with such titles as “DUDE FUCKING TWO GIRLS AT ONCE,” or maybe something cute like “MORE CHICKS THAN DICKS,” but not any cuter than that, and you’d have it.

"WAIT! LEMME SHOW THEM MORE OF MY COCK!!!" THE FAG DIRECTOR ABOUT TO TOTALLY DESPOIL THE WONDROUS NIKKI MONTANA'S SCENE WITH REPEATED SHOWINGS OF HIS SAUSAGE. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

But no. In order to get chicks double teaming a guy, you need some smoke screen gimmick. So again they truck out the snowballing angle. But the ante is one-upped with the inclusion of lollipops. So be it. Make the hos wear flying nun hats, carry paper fans or dress up like Denny’s waitresses; just give me the chicks fucking the dude.

‘Cept the concept has gone a bit haywire, resulting in a movie that’s a bit... umm... gay, in spite of itself.

Example: Girls with voices worse than COURTNEY LOVE screeching for agonizing moments the chorus from that 50s lollipop song, their voices cracking and echoing all over the room the sex is shot in.

Example: really gay-ass montages of east Euro girls taking turns saying how much they like to fuck or suck while holding a picture frame. It all makes sense when you see the utterly inane “bonus” features, where the director is revealed to be a total homo.

But we were still excited, both for the aforementioned good theme and for NIKKI MONTANA, she of the cutesy face and the squeaking squirrel goddess of fuck noises. It’s unfuckuppable. Or so you would think...

They cut the scene off. It gets fucking cut off. I mean, the authoring on this DVD is shit to begin with, but the scene with Nikki just ends in a digital glitch, and cue the faggy director in the lameass bonus parts. At least the notion of two chicks per dick is there to cling to... -- STEELY ROB

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TEANNA KAI'S NASTY LITTLE STRIPPER GIRLS

Baby Doll

Rating: ONE "What About The Tuba?" BUSTED NUTS

TEANNA KAI looks hotter than SATAN'S poo on the cover. She has PENTHOUSE looks.

By which I mean:

1. She'd be described as "exotic" as often as "Asian".
2. She's been IN Penthouse; a former covergirl.
3. She looks bitchy. Scary hissy fit bitchy. Hit you in the forehead with a shoe thrown from 100 paces bitchy.

"HI. MY NAME IS TEANNA KAI & I HATE YOUR COCK. THANK YOU VERY MUCH."

Which means:

1. I'd like to stick my dick in and fuckity-fuck-fuck-fuckity-fuck her Vietnamese ass all the way back to Ho Chi Minh. Then spoot on HER forehead.

Which's more than any guy does in this flick. You see, TEANNA'S a girls-only ho. And her scenes are those of the fake-groans-start-when-the-director-says-action type. That is, they suck. In all the wrong ways.

The other girls, the ring-ins for the boy-girl stuff, they suck too.

The first bitch, who I won't name to spare her feelings (she's called HALEY), is this stick insect with cheap tattoos who starts dancing around a poll. If by "dancing" you mean... sorta drifting... with glazed eyes...wondering how many minutes she has to endure before returning to her crackpipe.

Alas, didn't even take my cock out of my pants for this one. That one nut is for charity. -- MR. XTRA

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ERIK EVERHARD'S SPORT FUCKING #2

Red Light District

Rating: FIVE "The Thrill Of Pricktory" BUSTED NUTS

Hockey is an indoor sport. Sometimes. Basketball? Also an indoor sport. Just like wrestling and sometimes volleyball, but fucking?

You better believe it.

"MY GRANDMA, WHAT A NICE TWAT I HAVE!!!" STACY SILVER RED RIDING HOOD...FANNING THINGS OUT.

Fucking is just as much an aerobic even anaerobic activity as any of the other items I listed. Ask any cardiologist. The only difference between the two being intensity, and intense is exactly how ERIK, STEVE HOLMES and MICHAEL STEFANO lay it down on these Eastern European cum guzzlers.

Each endeavor is done in an effort to prove maximum athleticism -- for the males and the females. I don’t know this personally, however, but being on the ground floor of a double team one or a dozen times has put me in the most enviable position to tell you just how worn out one of these pigs can get dealing with two stiff hoses pushing in and out of every orifice, simultaneously: Very. Add in the weight of loads upon loads and you have an accomplishment that rivals LANCE ARMSTRONG's post-race loads on the lips of the thieving MS. SHERYL CROW.

Bravissimo. -- ITALIAN SAL

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GOOFBALLS? CHECK! GREENIES? CHECK! ROOFIES? CHECK CHECK!!! SKULLGAME'S LOST WEEKEND FOUND AMIDST BLUR OF POTENTIAL BANG IN OUR CELEBRATION OF AUGUST & LOADS ISSUE. PLUS: DENNIS RODMAN, LT. TODD ATKINS & BUTCHER BOB ON STEVIE FUCKING NICKS. & LOADS

WHEN it's FRIDAY...and already you've been arrested for public indecency, vagrancy, false information to a police officer, drunk in public, false impersonation and having your balls on display, you KNOW that you're, that is, ENGLISH BOB'S, weekend will be made for MICHELOB. The one beer to have when you're having more than 20. Or so. More or less. We mean if you had a big lunch or something.

IT'S 10 A.M. DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR GIRL IS?

A DISCONSOLATE JAMES BROWN MOURNS DENNIS RODMAN'S SLAVISH IMITATION OF RIP TORN IN BULL RUNNING MILDLY WILD

"HEYYYY...FUCK IT....THEY CAN'T ALL BE MADONNA...."

COLORADO (SkullGame) -- In the newest crop of reality showstoppers, basketball's "bad" "boy" DENNIS RODMAN in the Cannonballesque BullRun race was pulled over twice by Colorado police on Tuesday for speeding in his gold and black Lamborghini. He was also involved in a minor fender bender when a Ford Mustang carrying people taking pictures and video of Rodman for his sponsor crashed into his bumper and driver's side door. There were no injuries.

But Rodman's run of bad luck didn't end there.

According to local news accounts, after stopping to fill up at a gas station at Glenwood Springs, Colorado, Rodman reportedly tried on a cowboy hat offered him by the clerk, told her he liked it, then left after putting $20 on the counter for gas. But apparently Rodman was in such a hurry that (a) he shortchanged the clerk on the bill and (b) he walked off with her cowboy hat.

"Unfortunately, $40 worth of gas was put in the car, and there was the cost of the hat to consider," Glenwood Springs Police Chief, Terry Wilson, told the Glenwood Springs Post Independent. "There was also the gang shag of Ms. Ida Korn's Bridge Club, the makeshift bathroom meth lab, the stabbing of the gas station's dog, solicitation, under the influence of the products of the makeshift bathroom meth lab, and the whole urine in the hot dog urn thing."

Rodman's rep was unavailable for comment Thursday, but he was quoted by the Post as saying the whole thing was a "misunderstanding."

"The lady gave [the ass] to me," Rodman said, noting that he also had the gas receipt. "If they want me to pay for the ass, I'll give them double for it."

LT. TODD ATKINS: HOW TO PICK UP WOMEN

CONSIDER: A PLUNGER.

I think over the years with the feminist movement, women conned a lot of men into thinking they like sensitive "nice guys". In my experience that is not the case. Women like a real man who takes control of his environment.

I think the whole thing about women wanting sensitive men was all a big con job about money. They fool the "sensitive" man into being with 1 women and then they loot all of his money. Meanwhile on the side they are having sex wtih alpha males like me.

The Alan-Alda types will never realize that women don't really go for them. They really go for guys like me - cocky, muscular, able to win fights, gets lots of chicks. The nice guy is there mainly for his pocketbook. How many times have I seen it? A guy gets sucked in a little at a time and then ends up supporting a bitch. Sometimes these suckers will even be feeding 2 or 3 of her kids. And you know what? On the side she's having sex with me. Who gives her nothing.

The feminists (dykes) of the women's movement talk about how women want a man who respects them as equals. The real women want real men. They understand a real man will have women on the side even if he takes on a girlfriend. Sometimes I will take on a girl who gets that favored status, but she understands she won't hold me down to monogamy. I will have side action, but she will see no one else because she's my lady.

The sensitive males don't understand this because they think it's a double standard. They don't understand that a woman will seek this prowess in a man. In other words I will fulfill my needs on the side even though you're my lady. You on the other hand will see no one else because you belong to me. You are my property now and no one else goes near my pussy. Women respect these are the rules when they are with a powerful man.

What about when they get out of line you are asking? The nice guy does nothing. "I'm really disappointed", he will say when she fucks another guy. "I don't know where this leaves us. Since your 2 kids need me to pay the rent, I guess I will stay until we figure things out." On the rare instance that this happens to an alpha male like me, we will say, "You're out bitch. You just lost your favored nation status." Then we smack her around thoroughly and go hook up with another girl.

ANOTHER MAN: MISUNDERSTOOD?

This leads me to another myth - that you shouldn't hit girls. Again this is another myth that feminists started. Back before the 60's, no one questioned a man's right to discipline his woman. It was the same with your kids, your dog, whatever. If they got out of line they got smacked. Their solution was to stay in line. You saw what happened when parents stopped spanking their kids. The kids lost respect and did whatever they wanted.

It's the same thing with chicks. If she disrespects you and she doesn't get smacked, disrespect becomes a habit. I like it when I'm with a wise-ass chick that's never been smacked before. The first time she runs her mouth - bada bing! I slap her across the face. If she fights back I restrain her by her wrists and put her on her knees. She knows that now she is with a real man and she is turned on by it.

One time I was with my girlfriend at a party and she contradicted me in front of my friends and started making fun of me. She knew I was mad on the drive home because she started talking all sweet to me. I didn't say anything on the way back. Then I got her inside my apartment and smacked her in the face. "Don't you ever disrespect me in front of my friends again," I said. She started crying and trying to explain. "Shut the fuck up," I said. "I'll deal with you later." Then I got a beer and went to watch tv. Later we made up, but she knew not to embarrass me in front of my friends again. I'm not talking about punching her out like some wife abuser. I'm talking about a hard slap that gets the message across. Don't be a "nice guy". Be a man and keep your respect.

OUR NEWEST ADDITION BUTCHER BOB TRIES TO INGRATIATE HIMSELF TO US IN NON-MOMOSEXUAL SHOWS OF SMOKE SCREENING GIRL HATE BEFORE REALIZING IT'S GAY AND HE MUST BE HAZED LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN OUR LITTLE FUCKED UP & DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY. NO MATTER WHAT.

A SOLEDAD SELF-PORTRAIT: A MAN & HIS MEAT

It had to happen, I saw NO way around it. Faced with the legendary exploits of Vinnie and Sal, and since I truly want no part of a bald-headed-bearded-lady single, double OR tripleteam, I realized I had to make my own way. That's when I realized I had found the one ( for that particular moment)...across the aisle from me at a Stevie Nicks concert.

Ok ok...calm the fuck down and listen to me. When you want to find cowboys, you go to a ranch. When you want to find clowns, you go to the circus. And when you want to find desperate, hungry 40-year old women just dying for ONE LAST CHANCE at finding their inner gypsy whore...why...the answer is clear. You go to a Stevie Nicks show. Yeah yeah yeah, laugh all you want, chuckleheads...but you'll learn. There is no shame in going hunting where you KNOW prey will be.

I had to decide on the proper technique. Balls out bluntness? No...she looked ready to bolt at the slightest threat. Suave, debonair with a hint of lechery? Right..who's got THAT kind of fucking time?? So I focused. Staring. Using the time-tested and motherfucker approved Vinnie Rose mind ray. She returned the gaze...holding it a bit too long for chance. I knew. I knew I had this pseudo-corseted doe-eyed trollop. Of course, the bit of man-flesh holding on to her returned my stare as well, but dropped it long before she did. I knew. He knew. He knew that I fucking knew. After seeing the mewling male masses here...I knew a tattooed behemoth would stand literally head and shoulders above the slime.

Being a forward-thinking motherfucker, I'd wisely scouted out the scene before. One thing you can always count on is that a stevie nicks show will ALWAYS have empty seats. And where there's empty seats..there's cordoned off sections...dark...private...and not terribly hard to slip by a mouth-breathing security guard.

I give her one last knowing look..and make my way up the stairs. Right on schedule..she parts the curtains and sees me..and i shoot her head-tip that so obviously screams " get your saggy ass over here". Of course, she complies. She's got just enough short dark hair for me to wrap my fist in as I pull her around the 'area closed' signs into a private nook. Not saying a word, hand still in her hair, watching her wide eyes go glassy...i lean back against the wall..and give her a friendly tug to "encourage" her to the proper position...on her knees.

Alright...the deal is, you're NOT going to get this from a freshly scrubbed coed. Well...you might, but then you might want to check for ringworm afterwards. The nice thing about bedpan hunting is that, like riding a bicycle, it ALL comes back to them. Sometimes, you have to give them a dickslap in the face, just to kickstart them. Ok, maybe you don't HAVE to, but I do, just to be safe. And demeaning. Safe and demeaning.

As the cock hit faceflesh, she was RIGHT back on that bicycle...a female version of Lance "No, I'm not happy to see you, my balls are swollen from chemotherapy" Armstrong. I felt like Geldof, feeding the poor in Africa. Both hands in her hair, dick buffeting the back of her throat..and she put up NO STRUGGLE. In my humble opinion, the most uselessly asked question is " Can I cum in your mouth?" Of COURSE you can, and you must. After that initial suprised cough and choke, and since I'm a gentleman, I kindly withdrew..and let the last of my tribute splash onto her face. After a quick final mouthswab to keep things clean, I threw down the patented " Smirk, Zip and Split".

You think this is easy? Fuck you..I challenge ANY and all to keep their mind on bidness as that aging fucking shew is warbling 'landslide' in the backround. You need STONES for that, m'boy.

blackhole_12

OH. LOOK. AND SHE'S MARRIED TOO.
WELL CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Judy Star from Space Invaderz

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=85975

SO SAYS A PORTUGESE PISSMONGER.

Egyptians were the first to invent toothpaste many centuries ago, when there were no anti-cavity, mint-flavored and whitening toothpastes and gels. The ancient toothpaste was a mixture of pumice and wine vinegar. It may sound absolutely insane, but ancient Romans found a much more original way for their daily tooth-care. Wealthy Romans, especially women, were ready to pay a lot of money for the local sort of toothpaste, in which human urine was the main ingredient. They could not use their own urine or urine of another Roman: the "whitening toothpaste" was delivered directly from Portugal. Portuguese urine was supposed to produce a perfect whitening effect, if aristocrats were ready to pay for its delivery.

SKULLGAME SLAPS YARD O' DICK ON WORLD WHILST ONLOOKERS OOH & AAH & WONDER WHEN CAMERON DIAZ WILL GIVE THE REST OF THEM A SHOT. PLUS: RICKY WILLIAMS IS PERFECTLY A-FUCKING-OK, KATIE HOLMES IN HERPES SHOCKER & COLIN FARRELL SEX TAPE? GAY AS IT GETS!!

BUT FIRST: from a chapter in SkullGame's Reading Is Fucking Fundamental program, MEL GIBSON, SR. recently sent us this.

"MONEY FROM THE SALE OF THIS BOOK, AS WELL AS OUR CAMP WILL HELP IN THE SEARCH FOR THOSE 6 MILLION GERMAN JEWS WHO ARE PRESENTLY STILL AT LARGE. WANDERING AROUND. OR WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS THAT JEWS DO," SAYS MEL GIBSON, SR.

THIS message has been sponsored by PAPA GIBSON'S RECOGNIZE-A-JEW-SLEEPAWAY CAMP: "Because even little Jews wander off sometimes too. Here at Papa Gibson's Recognize-A-Jew Sleepaway Camp children are encouraged to engage in usurious money lending, contentious haggling and the hoarding of shekels while still making time for history [revisionist] and Armenian art appreciation, which amounts, largely to, looking at transistor radios.

See ya this Summer!"

SOMETHING ABOUT CAMERON DIAZ'S TITS SENDS ANOTHER GOOD AMERICAN TO THE STONY LONESOME

A WHORE! A WHORE! MY KINGDOM FOR A WHORE!!!

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- A hard-working American photographer who took "erotic nudes" of the Latin immigrant CAMERON DIAZ before she hit fame as a Latin immigrant actor has been convicted on all three counts leveled against him following a bitter court battle. The noble John Rutter, 42, now faces up to six years in the pokey after a jury of migrant field workers convicted him of forgery, attempted grand theft and perjury this morning for a "scheme" to sell his very tasteful dildo-based nudes back to the "actress" 11 years later for the going rate for Latin immigrant dildo nudes of millions of dollars.

During the trial, Honest John Rutter told the jury that while a model release form giving him ownership of the photographs was forged, he didn't do it. But under cross-examination, Rutter acknowledged trying to "speak-o Spanish-o to her" so she'd understand the ramifications of "tasteful-o dildo-o nudes-o." He also admitted to asking Diaz to pay him $3.5 million in two days or he would sell the snapshots around the world to coincide with the 2003 release of her movie "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle."

Rutter said he believed he had a right to do so and was simply giving the actress "right of first refusal."

Sentencing is scheduled for September. May Almighty God have mercy on this accursed jury's collective soul.

MIAMI DOLPHINS' RICKY WILLIAMS WORKING HIS WAY BACK INTO THE NFL THE ONLY WAY HE KNOWS HOW: HIGH AS A FUCKING KITE!!!

"SNUFFLE GO! MAKA HONEA, CHAS NOP!!! HARA KIRI, HARE KRISHNA!!!"

MIAMI (SkullGame) -- On Monday RICKY WILLIAMS, the pot smoking, meditation seeking, paper purse and hemp sandal wearing running back was back in the fold. Sure there was brave talk, apologies, analysis, and weed smoke mixing into his return after quitting a year ago on the eve of training camp but all it took was a few practice runs in the morning practice to answer all of those questions.

“Oh yeah, he looked explosive, even quicker,” said a teammate with decidedly meth-fueled excitement after being asked if Williams looked like he could still play. “I was real impressed with him. He was skipping, mincing, sashaying all over that field. HIGHER than a fucking kite but, you know, FLUID-like. If anything I was kind of enthused again, thinking we have Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown in the same backfield. My God, I got off and had a little moment thinking about an all-weed based running game and came back like, ‘OK let me focus on defense again.’"

SCIENTOLOGY & STDs: "NOT OUR FAULT," SAYS SPOKESPERSON ABOUT KATIE HOLMES' COLD SORE LADEN LIPS.

"I LOVE YOU, YOU NON-HOMOSEXUAL, YOU..."

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- The controversial "Church" of "Scientology" has slammed reports one of its rituals was responsible for the sores on KATIE "YO" HOLMES' mouth. Holmes has recently been photographed with several cold sores and a red rash around her mouth.

While most critics believed Holmes had acquired the sores from her public kissing sessions with the non-homosexual TOM CRUISE, several gossip columnists claimed the 26-year-old actress developed the sores after enduring a Scientology process, known as purification.

The alleged client of the purification is given vitamin B3 (niacin), which helps to decrease cholesterol and boost circulation, and looooooonnnnnggggg public kissing sessions with the non-homosexual of your choice. However, a spokesman for the church says, "Whatever the fuck is on that bitch's face has nothing to do with us. It's insulting that you would ask such a thing. Let's talk about the space aliens that gave us Jesus instead."

WAS THERE EVER ANY DOUBT? COLIN FARRELL SEX VIDEO CONTENTS RHYME WITH BANAL HEX

WE HAVE A VEEERRRRRYYYY GOOD IDEA WHERE IT'S GOING FROM HERE. AND IT AIN'T A SORORITY.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- The public kisser of men COLIN FARRELL and his ex-lover Nicole Narain have secretly spoken about their sex tape which has become the subject of a scandalous lawsuit -- because the Playboy Playmate wanted the actor to know she never leaked it. Not at 5 points on gross.
Sexy Narain is appalled by press reports connecting her to the leak of a sale for anything less than 16 on the spread for the vid, which she filmed with Farrell's permission when they were a couple.

Now she insists that, "like Farrell", she has "no idea" how the 15-minute tape got into the wrong hands and she's joining forces with her ex to keep it from going public, for less than an even 20.

She says, "Though I take off my clothes for a living and am sort of broke since I opened that last pizza parlor, I don't want it out there any more than Colin does. Not for a nickel under 25."

"It was something that was made privately between me and him and it's just unfortunate that the situation is the way it is right now with numbers being bandied about like 30."

NICOLE NARAIN: "I JUST LOVE WORKING BACHELOR PARTIES WHILE COLIN ENJOYS BEING A MULTIMILLIONAIRE!"

"We're both in the same boat ... Yes. He's EXTREMELY FAMOUS and I'm broke. So it's very unexpected that it should find its way from my house to a distributor for less than 35. We both feel the same way - neither one of us want it out there unless we're talking about 40 on the gross."

Farrell has slapped a restraining order on sex tape broker and known SkullGame associate DAVID HANS SCHMIDT, who plans to release the unexpectedly and largely gay film as a DVD.

JIMMY THE "G's" UNCLE: PISSING OFF THE WORLD

A plumber was fined and given a community service order on Tuesday after being captured on hidden cameras urinating into a vase in a customer's attic and pouring the contents into the central heating system. Roy Williams, 47, was caught in the act by trading standards officers who had rented the house in Leatherhead and rigged it with cameras as part of a sting operation to check on tradesmen.
The plumber had been called out to fix a simple fault but instead missed this and charged 203 pounds for unnecessary work, Steve Playle of Surrey trading standards told Reuters. Williams then urinated into a vase, poured the urine into the hot water tank and rinsed the vase in the cold water tank. The plumber denied the charges, claiming he had a medical condition which meant he needed the toilet regularly and had been overcome by the sound of running water.

JOHN HOLMES REMEMBERED

Fat Dog

Rating: FIVE "Crime! The Ultimate High!" BUSTED NUTS

JOHN HOLMES REMEMBERED, eh?

Yes, yes. Through the haze of Boogie Nights and all these late-in-the-day encomiums to the greatness of a man with the 14" schlong WE remember JOHN HOLMES. Yes. Wonderful sepia-toned memories of coke burns. Multiple homicides. Gay for Pay motion pictures wherein his claim to fame found its way up the upturned asses of guys who were only "gay" becaused they were being "paid" to get a foot of fuck up the jacksie. Yes, these, we remember. And then there was the HIV, and the masked diatribes from his hospital bed. The misplaced sense of entitlement and the speedball express that hasten his skinny ass to the piney depths.

HOLMES RECREATING THE BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN-COURTENEY COX SCENE FROM DANCING IN THE DARK. WITH COCKS, THIS TIME AROUND.

KITTEN NATIVIDAD once told me about BIG Johnny Holmes, "he was the sweetest guy." Yes, yes, we imagine he was. The sweetest snitching, drug burning, HIV having lunatic he could have been. I mean given the circumstances of being a snitching, drug burning, HIV having lunatic.

But, VINNIE, why for you give this FIVE Busted Nuts?!?!?

To which I tip my hat to ALL the vintage ginch populating this flick. Hairy snatched, wah wah pedaled, underarm haired broads that in all likelihood are spending their gray-haired days now fumbling for the right change in front of you in line at the supermarket and trying to forget the sterling memory of load upon load of John Holmes laced across their upper lips.

Perfect. -- VINNIE ROSE

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VINCE VOUYER'S CUM DRIPPERS #8

Red Light District

Rating: FOUR "Who Me? Bond? James Bond?" BUSTED NUTS

Directed by Vince Vouyer, but the thing that keeps going through my mind when I watch this is:

“I hope these guys gave phony names.”

Personally, I'm not a super fan of commitment and while I know of no class of individual more reliable than a porn bitch, I can't help but feeling like every internal load blown, for me at least, reads like a paternity case. 18 years of financial commitment, more if the little bastard wants to go to college. A college where he or she will promptly either knock someone up or in full-on fruit and tree fashion gets knocked up.

"YES. MY NAME IS AIDAN. AND UM, WELL...WE NEED TO TALK...."

But that’s neither here nor there.

What's important is: these girls are hot. Not sort-of hot, understand this…very hot.

Hmm...hot enough to marry one of these meth-addled cunts?

Maybe not, but very hot nonetheless. Starring lots of new faces the likes of AIDAN LAYNE and VANESSA MICHAELS this movie is a veritable who’s who of -- who?

Exactly. Look for these girls in massage parlor and/or family court near you.

Don’t say I didn’t tell you so. -- ITALIAN SAL

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BLACK ASS CANDY #5

West Coast Productions

Rating: FOUR "I Want Your Heart" BUSTED NUTS

Finally, the exception to the rule. Here's a West Coast title that promises ass and delivers AZZZZZ.

Fucking that is. Black gold. Texas tea.

And every bitch takes one in the stinkhole. More impressive yet, where previously I'd pegged West Coast as being a strictly meat and potatoes production house, director ALEXANDER DEVOE is serving up porn cuisine.

YASMINE PENDAVIS LOOKING ALL SENSITIVE AND SHIT. EXACTLY HOW YOU'D EXPECT SOMEONE TO LOOK WHO IS ABOUT TO WEATHER AN INTRODUCTION TO ABOUT 14 DIFFERENT TYPES OF COCKS IN AS MANY MINUTES. SENSITIVE.

How so?

Well, I detect an aesthete's aesthetic at work here....For a start, no one gets boned on a couch. Everyone gets banged in what looks like a prison cell. Or a dungeon. Then a nightclub. With appropriately murky lighting to create an appealing aura of decrepit sleaze.

And decrepit sleaze is what makes good porn great. We don't want pristine houses with shiny floors. We want slums. We want filth. We want to watch cum dripping from PERSIA's gaping bung while she moans in ravaged pleasure...and with the dawning realization that she won't be able to shit properly for a week.

Or I do, at least. -- MR. XTRA

Buy It NOW!

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ROCCO MEATS TRINITY

Evil Angel

Rating: TWO "The More The Unmerrier" BUSTED NUTS

A heterosexual orgy featuring 21 girls might seem good on paper, but in fact it turns out to be a classic scenario of too many cooks spoiling the fucking soup.

The introductions take about 10 minutes, and that’s the best goddamned part.

"HELLO. MY NAME IS TRINITY. I GET MEATED IN THIS MOVIE THAT'S ALMOST EXACTLY FUCKING LIKE THE LADY IN RED. WELL I MEAN EXCEPT FOR ALL OF THE MEATING. BY WHICH I MEAN SHEER SAUSAGE VOLUMES OF COCK I INGEST. WHAT? WE HAVE 9 MORE MINUTES TO GO? OK. I WAS BORN A POOR, BLACK CHILD AND, UM, ....HOW MUCH TIME NOW?"

What’s more, it seemed like for all the world to me that the chick who I most wanted to see get worked wasn’t actually there when the fucking got going. The result: 20 or fewer fairly attractive, masked French women getting dicked down by masked cheeseballs that remind you of your physics teacher in high school. ‘Cept they’re French.

The most impressive part of this scene is how well ROCCO SIFFREDI and his cameraman and sidekick for life, GABRIELE, can talk the oui oui talk.

The first half of the video, from which the DVD draws its name, treads water in highly chartered Rocco territory, in which two exceptionally willing sluts get the sausaging of their young lives. We talk about videos that will make you want to run around, randomly slapping people; this one does all the slapping for you as Rocco roughs up TRINITY as she eggs him on. If we can measure Siffredi quality by how much sweat is dripping off of him at the end of the naked athleticism, then this bit is a mission well accomplished.

Too bad they couldn’t keep the bar as high for the second part of the video. -- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/230096.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SKULLGAME LOOKS FOR BOARD CHAIRMAN, SEARCH NARROWS TO KYLE FARNSWORTH AND...WELL, JUST FARNSWORTH REALLY. PLUS: COURTNEY LOVE'S HOSPITAL SHOCKER: "I'M A FAT MURDERING WHORE!", COURTENEY COX'S TITS LET HER DOWN, & A GUY WHO HATES YOU? WHY YESSSS....

AND because SkullGame fucking cares sooooo fucking much our Outreach Program goes all over in the hopes that jungle bitches and their retard offspring might sport the SkullGame line of fashion apparel that says "I AM somebody...somebody who can't really read. But somebody nonetheless. Somebody who will wash your car." Will you please give a little to help out a lot? Teaming Up For Goddamned America (TUGA): helping jungle bitches...two...nuts...at a time.

SURELY WE DON'T KNOW, JIMMY. BUT HE LOVES YOU ENOUGH TO HAVE US GIVE YOU THIS OVER-SIZED SWEATSHIRT. NOW GO TO A MOVIE SO WE CAN TALK TO YOUR MOTHER. YES. TWO OF US. YES. TWO. VERY GOOD. YES, THAT'S TWO. AT THE SAME TIME, TOO. NOW FUCKING BEAT IT.

KYLE FARNSWORTH TO JOIN SKULLGAME BOARD OF DIRECTORS

"I READ SKULLGAME EVERYDAY. AND IN APPLYING ITS PRINCIPLES TO MY LIFE I HAVE BECOME WISER, CALMER AND MORE EXPANSIVE IN MY...HOLD ON A SEC....AGGGHAHHAHHAHHA....."

CINCINNATI (SkullGame) -- In a never-ending effort to attract quality talent wherever it might be found VINNIE ROSE has reached across the MLB divide to extend to Kyle Farnsworth a seat on the SkullGame's esteemed board of directors that is deputized to, among other things, pass bylaws, make motions and set policy as it applies to bones, nuts and loads.

Added the recently released Vinnie Rose, "and fighting. Mostly fighting. For slights real, imagined or fictionalized by ITALIAN SAL in the gripes of a medicinal marijuana haze." When reached for additional comment the unusually perceptive and business savvy Farnsworth was noted as saying, "what the FUCK are you looking at?!?! YOU DIRTY FILTHY FUCKING COCKSUCKER!!!! AGGGHHHH...."

COURTNEY LOVE RUSHED TO FATITORIUM FOR DUNKIN' DONUT DIALYSIS

"HEY, HEY, HEY...IT'S FAT FUCKING ALBERT." COURTNEY LOVE WADDLING TO LA GENERAL WHILST STOPPING PERIODICALLY FOR SUSTENANCE AT CHURCH'S FRIED CHICKEN, 7-11, & IN A RUN FOR THE BORDER: TACO BELL.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- COURTNEY LOVE was rushed to a Los Angeles hospital on Friday night, after complaining of feeling a faint sense of shame. Almost a whiff, one could say. A lingeringly pungent piquant bouquet of bathetic self-loathing. The former Hole frontwoman, 41, was attending an entertainment industry gathering at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel when she felt ill over by the catering table, according to her publicist Jill Fritzo.

Fritzo says, "She was at a party. Eating. Ever eating. And she suddenly felt faint, went out for air, a donut, a 'snackin' pak' and those little cinammon rolls and a friend called an ambulance for precaution and they took her to the hospital and she was released immediately when it became clear that she had merely just called for a pizza."

Later today, Love is scheduled to appear at Los Angeles Superior Court for a report on her progress with a court-ordered drug treatment program. The rocker's attorney Michael Rosenstein says, "As far as I know, she's doing well in her program, continuing forward in her treatment and has tested negative for drugs. Not so negative for a wide variety of processed sugars but oy, what can you do?"

IN MORE COURTENEY NEWS, COURTENEY COX IS APTLY, OH, SO, APTLY NAMED DESPITE HUNGERING FOR THE FROSTY END OF THE STICK IN SUICIDE SURPRISE

"SUICIDE IS NO LAUGHING MATTER. I MEAN, UNLESS I'M TALKING ABOUT IT THEN BY ALL MEANS LAFF IT UP!!!"

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Former "Friends" star COURTENEY COX has unveiled a suicidal streak, after claiming she often considers driving herself off a cliff, like the rest of us who would also like to see her drive herself off of a cliff, because of postpartum depression following the birth of her 1-year-old daughter Coco, who has a vague memory of Courteney as the "woman who helps Joaquina open the door on the way out."

Cox tells USA Today, "We all have this dark side of our personalities when you're rich and prone to losing count around $50 mil and have to start again but because you're so fezzed out by the whole fucking experience you take the Rolls out on Mulholland Drive and you're like, 'Well, I'll just run over; I'm just going to go drive over (the edge).'"

But Cox admits that disturbing images of her 33-year-old husband David Arquette's life after her death are what have stopped her from carrying out the horrific act. She explains, "I start thinking, 'I don't want David to take another girl to the beach house.' Just because that's our house. He's younger than me, you know ... but that's our special place."

SkullGame Coda: "Dear Baby Jesus? If you could see your way clear? Could you give her cancer of the eyeballs, please, Baby Jesus? Please?"

SKULLGAME'S NEWEST IRREGULARLY OCCURRING FEATURE: ASK A GUY WHO HATES YOU

YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT SHIRT YOU'RE WEARING. ASSHOLE.

DEAR "GUY WHO HATES YOU": I was thinking of starting a career in comedy. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could go about doing that?

DEAR DIE 1000 DEATHS: You have got to be kidding me. Okay, initial indignation aside lets get down to your not-too-well-thought-out question. First off I think that’s a fine idea. Much like lawyers and accountants I think there is a severe shortage of comedians. I think the first thing that you should do is go to one of those Open Mic Nights at your local Comedy Club, Juke Joint or Strip Club. Secondly, buy a red leather jump suit, record a heavily produced album of dance music that only you and your producer consider palatable and lastly pick up a transsexual hooker and claim you were out looking to buy a newspaper and stopped to “give her a ride.”

That is all.

GOOD THING MY SISTER IS A MULTIMILLIONAIRE!!!

MARIAH CAREY's sister ALISON claims police are trying to stop her from selling sex in her native New York after setting her up on a houseboat and arresting her for prostitution. The 44-year-old, who has been diagnosed HIV-positive, was arrested after agreeing to meet a client at a Long Island marina. The prostitute was busted after she advertised her services on an Internet call girl site, using the name APRIL. She was arrested and charged with a penal violation. Alison tells the National Enquirer, "I got a call to meet a guy on a boat. I went onto the boat and told them I needed to use the bathroom. The man said, 'Don't use that room,' and he tried to stop me from opening the door but when I did I saw a policeman with radio equipment, and that's when they busted me for prostitution. The police have it in for me in Suffolk County."

CUM CRAVING TEENS #2

Well yes, it seems they certainly

must since that's all, um, we pay

them with

234613

IT'S ABSOLUTELY CRAPALICIOUS!!!

YO VINNIE,
My girlfriend and I have discovered that she likes a few sex practices that many would consider outre. Specifically she gets off on having me fuck her mouth after fucking her ass regardless of whatever kind of brown surprise might have attached itself to my tool. I mean in the name of general hygiene I'd typically use a wash cloth, but she started telling me to not too. So, what's the problem? Well, while I have no real problem doing what she's asked, I DO have a problem kissing her with what I imagine is a mouthful of e. coli. I don't want to seem like a pig for doing the one and not the other, but I can see it's coming up. What to do? -- J.R. (by email)

RECTAL THERMOMETRY. NEXT STOP? FUCKING HOLLAND: THE LAND OF TULIPS!

Dear Goose Gander: You are gay. Or French. Your telling use of the word, and I quote here, "outre" is a sure sign of someone whose finer sensibilities seem to belie any sort of interest in any such-like Ass-to-Mouthesque (ATM) experience as it might be enjoyed by the rest of the non-homosexual world that can make it through a fucking sentence without wanting to tell the universe, "I took French Lit 101 while furtively fellating my professor for a grade that was no serious reflection of all the hard work I put into my paper on the significance of the rimjob in Renaissance writing." In other words: we hate you. And your sad, sad quandary, which is no quandary at all and one which could be easily solved by checking out the immortally pissing CHUCK BERRY who after golden glazing his little bo peep in a bathtub in a shaky home video that we got was heard to say when she asked for a kiss, "I'd like to kiss you babe, but, ah, you're covered in piss."

Simple. Elegant. Simply elegant.

JOHN LESLIE'S VOYEUR #30

Evil Angel

Rating: FOUR "Fucking Culture" BUSTED NUTS

Porn with Euro girls shot in Europe is the best porn ever.

Why?

Well, aside from the girls, who are the epitome of the marriage of fuck control and savoir faire with the bodies of athletes, it’s the very culture and scenery. Example: THE VOYEUR #30. The scene in which two chicks take a little time out from fucking a dude to go fuck an errant tourist, is shot in the sweeping majesty of a medieval courtyard. Props, we don’t need no stinkin’ props.

AFTER A HARD DAY AT WORK SUCKING COCKS VICTORIA SWINGER LIKES TO RELAX BY SUCKING COCKS.

Euro talent abounds: JESSICA FIORENTINO, VICTORIA SWINGER, TERA JOY, super-long legged SARAH, and globetrotting anal queen SANDRA ROMAIN. The only thing resembling a downside is in the bland scene with DANA VESPOLI, established analphile, who does nothing of the sort in this vid. -- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/232697.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

ERIK EVERHARD'S CUM FILLED ASSHOLE OVERLOAD #2

Red Light District

Rating: FIVE "Possibly Misguidedly Optimistic" BUSTED NUTS

Being the honest man that I sometimes am: I feel compelled to divulge the fact that this DVD didn’t work in my player, nor my neighbors, nor even my goddamned parents when I went to visit them for a weekend. I feel that I’ve put enough effort into trying to drain my bag to this motherfucker that if and when I do drain said bag that it will be a spill of pure, unadulterated (albeit microsomic) genocide that ensures Idi Amin, wherever he may be, a goddamn cigar or three.

PRODUCT LIABILITY SUIT OF THE MOST EXTREME ORDER: KERI SABLE MERE MOMENTS AWAY FROM HAVING FIVE COCKS EXPLODE IN HER OVERLOADED ASS!!!

Alongside my honesty, I am also known for my fairness and my strong moral character. I couldn’t, with conscience clear, review this without having jacked off to it in some capacity—so I took the booklet in the bathroom one night when it became obvious that I wasn’t getting any pie and proceeded to punch the clown as if he owed me a twin, or a bit of respect—I didn’t really choose.

Imagine, if you will, the effort that this took—given that I’m up to my neck in free porn and there’s a goddamn Catholic school across the street from my apartment. I haven’t busted over something that appeared inanimate since I cancelled my subscription to Highlights; which means since I was 22 or some shit. It’s been a hot minute.

I felt like Steven Spielberg must feel when he enters a bagel shop—cock hard, fiercely imaginative in all the wrong ways, probably pissing off Kubrick, and in my motherfucking element—able to swing my arms out, declare this area as my world, and continue to shit upon it if I so desired. It was an existentialist epiphany that led to victory—some real Joan of Arc shit but a tad bit more brutal.

So, for that, I recommend it. I’m sure I just got a lemon; as all the other RLD shit spins just fine—so don’t be discouraged. Go buy something for chrissakes—see, if you don’t support us then you don’t support drugs; and if you don’t support drugs then you don’t support the glorious world of pornography; and if you don’t support the glorious world of pornography then…well…you are probably only here to do some kind of gay college essay about society’s innate need to objectify women via a camera in the face and a load in the ass and how “deplorable” you find that…

…and we never really fucking asked you in the first place--you bitches’ handbag. -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/233173.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SMALL SLUTS, NICE BUTTS #3

Anarchy Films

Rating: FOUR & A HALF "You Couldn't Find ONE Small Black Slut?" BUSTED NUTS


Small girls.

Pay attention.

Small girls. Not young girls. Small girls. Spinners, twisters, fucktoys, dick-orations...call them what you will, but send them to ME. Because from hours of grueling research, I've deduced that the average size and weight of these slits-of-small-stature is roughly equal to VINNIE ROSE'S left leg.

NIKKI HUNTER. SHE'S SMALL, SHE'S A SLUT, BUT IS SHE NICE?!?! AND/OR A BUTT?!?!? WE DON'T KNOW, WE JUST DON'T GODDAMN KNOW.

DAISY, DAISY, DAISY the token Celestial is everything an angry white man could want. In my ever-humble opinion, cuntage like this is not meant to be taken a la carte, but as a combo platter. If there's room on the Visa, there's room for them all to kneel in the bathtub of that shitty Garden Paradise motel. Don't roll your eyes at ME, motherfucker, we ALL have our own shitty motels for just this kind of thing. If you give me that shit about "oh NO, Butcher Bob, I only take absolute gutter whores to NICE hotels" I'll light your hair afire. Again.

Oh, the movie? If any of you can point to ONE fuckslut in here and tell me with a straight face that she WOULDN'T look better in a catholic school-girl uniform, I'll laugh. And when I'm done laughing at, NOT with, you, I'll prove you otherwise. The other standout slut is NIKKI HUNTER...so wipe the sweat out of your eyes (use the BACK of your hand, stupid) and watch closely. I think she'a a magician. Or something. -- BUTCHER BOB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/236781.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF TEXAS INGENUITY IN ACTION!

Allegations of voter fraud are shaking things up in the small town of Brookshire. There are some serious allegations, including offers of crack in return for a vote.The small town of Brookshire is the scene of a big time legal battle. A woman who did not want to be identified says she was paid to vote for Mayor Keith Woods -- in crack. The woman said, "She told me, she said, 'I'll pay you 10 dollars to vote.' That's what she gave me. … She gave me a dime rock." She's not the only one making those kinds of allegations about the elections. In a sworn affidavit another person says, "I gave Larry the dime rock. He voted and afterwards, Keith (the mayor) paid me the $10 for Larry's dime rock." "We just don't operate like that," insisted Brookshire Mayor Keith Woods. "I hire a lot of people to do a lot of work, but as far as us going and buying some type of drugs… That is just crazy."

NEWSFFUCKINGFLASH: COURTNEY LOVE A FAT MURDERING MILLIONAIRE!!! COURTNEY LOVE...FAT...!!! READ ALL ABOUT IT!!! PLUS SKULLGAME'S USUAL NEAR CRIMINAL ERRORS IN JUDGMENT, PAM ANDERSON'S FILTHY COCKSUCKING WAYS, SLEAZE TV & ASK THE GUY WHO HATES YOU

And we'd like to a take a few minutes out of our busy schedule of drinking and fucking to announce the hiring of our newest member of the SKULLGAME family, DAVE DIETRICH, whose tireless efforts to get and maintain an erection through a single act of sexual congress are nothing if not valorous. He will be in charge of Accounts Receivable. Thanks Dave and welcome on board.

DAVE SEARCHES TIRELESSLY FOR HIS GENERAL LEDGER SO THAT HE MIGHT PERHAPS GET THE JOB DONE BEFORE HAPPY HOUR BEGINS

COURTNEY LOVE A FAT FUCKING SHOTGUNNING SLUT WITH MILLIONS OF DOLLARS

"I AM FAT. AND FUCKING. AND SHOTGUNNING. AND A SLUT. WITH A MILLION DOLLARS. AND 'DRUG-FREE'. ONLY IN AMERICA!!!"

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- "Reformed" "rocker" COURTNEY LOVE has lashed out at critics of her recent addiction to Ho Hos, Twinkies, Ding Dongs, and all and assorted manner of bon bons and vending machine snack foods, insisting she was only skinny before because of her inability to get any of those past the constant and continual presence of Negro cock in her mouth. The former Hole frontwoman is "finally" "sober" after years of "drug" "problems" and is happy with her bulbous figure, because it means she is now healthy, reports the New York Daily News. Well, as healthy as someone whose thighs are about to catch fire from friction can be.

Love says, "I was really, really thin because of what I was doing. Cock. Mostly cock."

Love alluded to teen Hollywood stars who are currently under scrutiny by the media over their increasingly gaunt appearance. She explains, "When all these little teenyboppers finally go into anti-cock rehab, they're going to get fat, too."

We can only hope.

PAMELA ANDERSON HAVING FORGOTTEN THAT SHE'S A SLUT, IS REMINDED IN A MOST DEFINITIVE FASHION

A BILLBOARD IN HARLEM FEATURING A HO WHO WILL GET NO CLOSER TO HARLEM THAN THIS BILLBOARD

POOLSIDE: TOPANGA CANYON (SkullGame) -- Actress and Dump & Run Extraordinaire PAMELA ANDERSON, forgetting that if she ain't talking about tits or slapping sausage between her gums ain't no one listening, has upped her efforts to improve the treatment of goddamned chickens by lending her face to a new billboard campaign calling for a boycott of fast food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken.

The billboards, which were created by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), and feature a snapshot of the former "Baywatch" star, is noteworthy more for the absence of rockstar pole in her hole in "stolen" video captures, than for any sort of feathered friend concern.

Underneath are the words "Live Scalding, Painful Debeaking, Crippled Chickens" and the address of a Web site attacking the fast food chain, www.kfccruelty.com/.

CONCERNED ABOUT CHICKENS AND OTHER EDIBLE MEATS PAMELA VOCALLY DEFENDS HER PRESENT EATING HABITS: "COCK: IT'S WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST NOW!"

Non-sausage eating Sausage Eater and Vegetarian Anderson says in a prepared statement, "KFC stands for cruelty. Killing is for K. F is for Feathers. C is for I Told You So. If KFC executives treated ocelots or potato bugs the way they treat chickens, they could go to prison on felony cruelty-to-animals charges where they might be lucky enough to see videos of me getting fucked long and hard by the fag who used to sing for Poison."

SLEAZE TV'S PRODUCER LARRY COCK WEATHERS A CALL FROM SKULLGAME

ASSISTANT PRODUCERS CHECK THE USUABILITY OF ALL 12-INCH COCKS FOR REASONS PRESENTLY KNOWN ONLY TO LARRY COOK.

TORONTO (SkullGame) -- FORGET "American Idol" — a new reality show is coming your way by the name of "AMERICAN STRIPPER." The Toronto-based producers actually placed a classified ad in The Post and have already received hundreds of inquiries. In an exclusive interview motor-mouthed producer LARRY COOK tells us he has had calls from oddball aspirants including "a topless Santa Claus, twin transsexuals and a 'Mr. Long,' who claims to have a 12-inch penis, but doesn't normally use it as a rule."

"And we're branching out from here too. Next up is AMERICAN HOOKER. To be followed in short order with AMERICAN CRACK HO and the million dollar concept AMERICAN ANAL AMERASIAN."

When asked by our own VINNIE ROSE if his show will do anything other than lacquer over the stony dead face of modern civilization, Cook asked "Is it supposed to?"

Genius. Coming to your rec room this Fall.

SKULLGAME'S NEWEST IRREGULARLY OCCURRING FEATURE: ASK A GUY WHO HATES YOU

YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT SHIRT YOU'RE WEARING. ASSHOLE.

DEAR "GUY WHO HATES YOU": I don’t live in the city, so I often invite friends out to my house to spend the weekend. On a recent weekend, two of my friends who didn’t know each other, a girl and a guy, came up. Long story short, they hooked up and spent the rest of the weekend being touchy-feely. They’re both single, and I wasn’t interested in the girl or anything, but it still just really pissed me off. Any advice? --Guy in exile

DEAR PANTS CRAPPER: My advice to you, is: Blow the first guy you meet. That’s right. Homosexuality is a wonderful lifestyle full of easy work and high pay, we're told. But let's get back to you and the fact that you got some set of nuts even asking for someone to back your play on this one.

“Oh no, they were being touchy feely, they ignored little ol' me.” You got to be kidding me? Your problem is not the fact that you no longer live in the city, friend. Your problem is the fact that Midol is a party favor around your house. Now seriously, I don’t know whether you were cock blocking because you liked the guy or the girl, it's hard to tell by your email. But what I DO know, is that you are most assuredly a cock blocker at the very least and a player hater at the most, neither of which is suitable behavior for polite society.

THROAT GAGGERS #8

Redlight District

Rating: TWO "Rico, Give The Bitches Cough Drops" BUSTED NUTS

THROAT GAGGERS #8 or "HOW I LEARNED TO SMOKE CIGS. AND BLACK POLE."

Oh yeah.

ON FURTHER CONSIDERATION WE CAN ACTUALLY THINK OF NOTHING WE'D LIKE TO SEE MORE THAN JERSEY JAXIN HERE, DROOL A'FLOWING, MOUTH AGAPE, GARGLING OUR GANKS.

Sounding like a herd of stampeding ducks, this collection of cunts do put the GAG in Throat Gagger. Between the squawking, drooling, and puking, it's hard to keep focus. I guess the thing about fetish is that it ISN'T for everyone, and I, of all people, understand that. But to ruin a PERFECTLY good face full of cum on these stained slits by having them light a cig...fuck that...just ruins my err...buzz.

That's not to say there aren't some highlights, pongos. COURTNEY CUMMZ is a VERITABLE manspew magnet. This scene should be view OVER AND OVER, if nothing but for the physics lesson.JERSEY JAXIN... now THIS little panty-soiler is a cocksucker of national repute, as well as a drool-machine. Oh..and one of the few that actually CAN deepthroat a cock...or three.

But the big trouble with this flick is that fact that EVERY goddamn scene plays out the same way. No, I'm not talking about frosting their faces like a Krispy Kreme donut, I'm talking about "first you kneel down, then you lay your head over the couch, then you reach back and grab your ankles." All while numerous cockpendages drum up a brisk business in throat lozenges.

I had hoped for more..so FUCKING much more. -- BUTCHER BOB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/238106.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

THE SKULLGAME TRIBUTE TO OPIATES ISSUE.......UM. YEAH. CELEBRATING THE DRUG THAT. THING. SKULLGAME TO TRIBUTE.....HEATHER GRAHAM. TITS. RENEE ZELLWEGER. SUCK. OPIATES!!! PICKS YOU UP, HIGGGHH! ANAL!!!

In the hustle and bustle of the modern world there is an oasis of tranquility. A small spot where sleep and solace live. Where you can take a few minutes by yourself, for yourself. And that place is SkullGame Pines: A Community Where You Can Sleep Without Your Shoes.

"AS A STOCKBROKER MY DAYS WERE JUST A BUSY FRAZZLE OF HOLLERING INTO CELLPHONES. NOW AT SKULLGAME PINES I CAN REDISCOVER WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME."

"SMACK!!!"

And from Heinrich's Celebrity NewsWire...

ARYAN ACTRESS HEATHER GRAHAM NO LONGER PLANNING ON SHARING COOCH WITH WILY JEW FIEND

GRAHAM'S TAY TAYS ARE NOW SAFE FROM NON-CHRISTIAN INTERVENTION...BUT FOR HOW LONG?!?! HOW LONG?!?!

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- "Boogie Nights" beauty HEATHER GRAHAM is a single woman once again after parting ways with her producer beau and Christ Killer CHRIS WEITZ.

The couple, who dated for more than two racially troubling years, remain close, despite the well-known Jew tendency to sap the life force from the fine flower of Aryan womanhood wherever he may find it.

A GERMAN ARTIST'S RENDERING OF "PRODUCER" CHRIS WEITZ

Graham tells SkullGame, "I...I...I'm so confused." As well she might be after 24 months of steady Jewification. "I blame the heroin."

While pals say the pair's relationship dissolved in September, Graham still insisted on attending a October 24 fundraiser for the International Foundation for Terror Act Victims, which is close to Weitz's heart, what with his global desire to bring Jew terror wherever Jew terror currently isn't.

She adds, "When he called me about this event, I could feel the pull of the incredibly crafty yet highly stupid Jew menace already like, UPON me. But I could not resist. Oh, god. Please help me."

RENEE ZELLWEGER IN VAIN SEARCH FOR MISSING KNOBS

WE HAVE SADLY NOT SEEN THEM. BUT WE'LL KEEP LOOKING!!!

HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- Movie beauty and heroin achiever RENEE ZELLWEGER is thrilled she's lost the weight she gained for her latest movie we will never see unless she sucks some cock in it: "Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason," but she misses her large breasts. That is, her big giant tay tays.

The sexy actress piled on the pounds to play the romantic comedy's curvaceous heroine, but now she's returned to her naturally slender shape, she's realized how small her cup size is.

She complains, "I'm a little girl. It was a sad day when I had to retire my C-cup to the drawer, but it wasn't because I felt pressure to be a certain weight in Hollywood, or anything like that." Oh noooo....nothing like that.

Whatever. Show us your fucking tits. We mean, thanks for the interview.

AND FROM THE, WHERE ARE THEY NOW BIN?....

WHERE AM I? OH. YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT. OFF TO COUNT MY MONEY. AND SHOOT SMACK. CAN'T FORGET THAT!!!

Nope. We did not.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST: THE SKULLGAME QUIZ!!!!

OH GOODIE!!! I LOVE QUIZZES. ESPECIALLY ABOUT ALL KINDS OF FUN STUFF. LIKE SOCKS.

Question: What drug would have you sooooo fucking zooted that you'd be naked and not know it?

Answer: TARA REID.

That is, correct, sir.

TO RUSSIA, WITH LOVE. AND WINGED, PURPLE BATS.

A special initiative group of scientists is establishing the Russian Psychedelic Society. The new organization has a goal to legalize the use of psychoactive drugs in official medicine, the mysterious lysergic acid diethylamide, or LSD-25, first and foremost. A prominent US scientist, Stanislav Grof, is expected to participate in the first congress of the new organization, which is slated to take place in November 2005. Like Sigmund Freud or Carl Yung, Grof is said to be one of the greatest revolutionaries in psychology. "LSD-25 was studied very well 40 years ago. Remarkable qualities of the substance were used in the field of psychotherapy back then," a spokesman for the initiative group, Anton Chuppin said.

AND MIKE LA VELLA FEELS A RENEWED SENSE OF PURPOSE!

King County sheriff's detectives are investigating possible animal cruelty at a farm near Enumclaw that apparently has attracted "a significant number of people" to have sex with animals, a sheriff's spokesman said Thursday. The investigation was launched this month after authorities discovered the July 2 death of a man who suffered internal bleeding after engaging in anal sex with a horse at the farm, Sgt. John Urquhart said. Authorities are not releasing the man's identity because the King County medical examiner has ruled his death accidental. The victim was in his 40s, Urquhart said. Bestiality is not illegal in Washington state.

MY NAME IS WANKENSTEIN. FRANKLE WANKENSTEIN.

http://www.frankwank.com/

LITTLE FRANKIE WANKANOWICZ CHECKING THE MERCH FOR DEFECTS

"What's a nice girl like you doing with a fucking piece of shit like me?"

OK. So not entirely Conneryesque in it's "slip-it-up-the-jaxie" smoothness but much more fucking honest and if honesty means anything to you this self-proclaimed SUPERAGENT Frank "Benjamin" (ain't it always about the Benjamins, baby?) also known as FRANK WANK, is nothing if not a man of "sinister means." A pastiche of porn prototypes from the animal-printed pimp to the P-38 touting purveyor of death between the sheets, the bejeweled Wank is responsible for this genius couplet coming after hours and hours of secret agently fucking:

HER: "So, now, what about my money?"
WANK: "Money?"

Which is precisely why he gets the MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME superdecoding badge of fucking. And honor. But mostly fucking.

Here's to YOU, Comrade Franksk.

SKULLGAME DEBATES THE FINER POINTS OF FEMINISM WITH SOME SKANK WHILE DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE EVA LONGORIA BE LOVING HER SOME NEGRO COCK, LT. TODD ATKINS COUNSELS TOM SIZEMORE & WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE: PARIS & BRITNEY LOSING THEIR FUCKING TINY MINDS

CALLING ALL MEXICANS!!! CALLING ALL MEXICANS!!! WITH OR WITHOUT BMX BIKES!!!

"Hello. My name is JENNIFER STEELE and hot on the whorish heels of my highly touted art installation entitled MY ALL MIDGET GANGBANG, I am bringing forth to you...an all-Mexican gangbang!!! Well I guess all-Mexican except for me. Anyways, the movie is slated to shoot in L.A. in mid-August and I'm seeking Mexicans to come give me the hardest pounding of my life. Be they bus boys, gardeners, pool jockeys, arugala pickers, painters, those guys with the little ice cream carts with the bells on them or just the guys with the bags of oranges standing by the freeway offramp. I will fuck them all. Since I've been going to all these conventions, I have to say all the Mexican fans stopping by my booth are so hot I want to throw them down on my table right then and there. And I don't mean Latino. I mean full-blown fucking MEXICANS! With the goddamned sobreros and everything Mexicans! I want names like Hector, Paco, and Angel to be fucking me every which way possible. I want descendants of over-the-border, strawberry pickers and auto-mechanics bending my ass over and calling me Mami while they all violate my various orifices."

Submissions should be sent with photo and contact info to jennifersteele69@hotmail.com. All gangbangers will be tested by AIM HealthCare.

SKULLGAME'S SERIOUS SEX POSITIVE SKANK DISCUSSION--PORN: BOON OR BANE?

YEAH YEAH, BABY. I 100 % PERCENT UNDERSTAND ALL OF WHAT YOU'RE SAYING...

SAN FRANCISCO (SkullGame) -- In a recent tete a tete, SkullGame's pajandrum VINNIE ROSE debated the benefits of heterosexual porn with a sex positive feminist who while willing to debate didn't want to contribute to "the sewer that is SkullGame," by having her name appear in print here; a decision that you can be sure we'll honor, MS. ANN OSMOND.

ANN OSMOND: Yes. I understand the attractions to erotic materials but it seems overridingly negative to me and distorts ideas of what should occur between men and women.

VINNIE ROSE: You're 100 % right. I've felt that for a long time myself.

AO: Really? But you're like Mr. SkullGame!

VR: Baby, I just do that for the money [shut the fuck up...DON'T laugh!!! I'm working here!!!--Editor].

AO: Well anyway [picking up and into a righteously indignant quasi-lesbo rage], I'm just not so sure that pornography is all that good for women.

VR: I'm not so sure that HETEROSEXUALITY is good for women. Knuckled under to the psychic and emotional dictates of men who are half as smart as you and twice as unworthy. It's...it's DISGUSTING.

AO: YES! That's exactly what I've been thinking. What are you doing?

VR: I just hate what we've been driven to do. [rising while clutching crotch.] I hate it so much. So much that I'm going to PUNISH myself via the hated organ that stands between you and me and harmony. Ooooooo....I hate it soooooo much. I'm going to strangle IT!!! No!!! NO!!! I can't!!! But I must!!! LOOK, LOOK, how it's fighting me!!! Help me!!! You grab it too!!! Oh, oh, OHHHHH...look out it!!!! It's going for your FACE!!!! AGGGHHHHHH....Jesus. Fucking Shit. I...I...think we won....Did it spit in your face? The truly last act of a desperately doomed organ. But together we, you and me, womyn and man, have conquered our gender-based biases and emerged stronger. And prouder. And more sleepy and in need of a beer and a sandwich. Which it'd be great if you could get for me on your way out sister!

STRIKING ANOTHER BLOW AGAINST THE MAN!!!

RACE MIXER EVA LONGORIA DISCOVERS A LATE IN LIFE LOVE OF SUMMER SAUSAGE

BEFORE THE BLACK COCK.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- "Desperate Housewives" star EVA LONGORIA has finally, after much searching high and low, found and confirmed her successful discovery of some Negro cock NOT blocked by KIM CATTRALL, in the form of basketball ace MR. TONY PARKER. The actress hit the gossip pages last month when she was spotted wearing what looked like an engagement ring at the San Antonio Spurs star's NBA finals game against Detroit Pistons, but insisted she wasn't about to become Mrs. Parker.

Joining Parker in China for the Basketball Without Borders charity event, Longoria has, however, confirmed she's dating the sportsman.

She says, "I've been linked to so, so, so, soooooooo many guys...where was I? Oh yeah, so so soooooooo many guys have I been linked with. And, um, now him too!"

AND AFTER THE BLACK COCK.

BRITNEY SPEARS WILL SPREAD HER TWAT ON TV WHILE SQUEEZING OUT HER HORROR CHILD WHO SHE WILL INFLICT ON THE REST OF THE WORLD WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY SCREECHING ABOUT HER GODDAMNED PRIVACY.

"AGGHH....WHERE'S DA DONUTS?!?! AND THE CHOCOLATE-COVERED PICKLES!?!? AND THE SHAME?!?!?"

HERE, THERE & EVERYWHERE (SkullGame) -- Pop slut and homewrecker BRITNEY SPEARS reportedly has agreed to screen the satanic birth of her baby on the next season of "her" "reality" "TV" "show" "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic." In a perversion of all things holy, Spears' bid to beat pop rival and undereducated tit queen JESSICA SIMPSON'S show "Newlyweds," by letting cameras film her cunt, her tragically exploited offspring, and her absent husband, to boost lackluster career ratings.

The baby is due later this year and will be Spears' first spawn and husband LARRY FORTENSKY'S, uh, we mean KEVIN FEDERLINE'S third.

A source told British tabloid the Daily Star, "Cameras won't roll through the most intimate parts, like the conception, leastways not until they break up and she tries to enforce that pre-nup, but there will be scenes included. Mostly of her bleeding gash. But Britney was of two minds about the birth. On the one hand pimping out your kid for a few bucks is pretty shitty. On the other hand if pimping out your kid for a few bucks makes you a few bucks, well is it so wrong?"

PENIS CLOGS PARIS HILTON'S MIND IN ATTEMPTED PALACE COUP. NOT NEWS. JUST A REMINDER.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT A PENILE PRINCESS IS, OHMIGOD, BUT I'M SOOOOO, GLAD TO BE ONE!!!"

LONDON (SkullGame) -- PARIS HILTON'S dreams of a "royal wedding" in London's St. Paul's Cathedral have been dashed by members of the historic venue, who are still fucking laughing at the fact that she took cock out of her mouth long enough to ask them fucking anything to begin with. The hotel heiress was desperate to marry her fiance PARIS LATSIS at a fucking fairy tale ceremony at St. Paul's Cathedral, the patron saint of Pork. Apparently so desperate that she's written a letter to Prince Charles begging to be allowed to tie the knot there.

She says, "I've always wanted to be a princess on my big day."

But a St. Paul's source insists only members of the royal family may marry there: "Only royalty can marry on the cathedral floor. You can't buy your way in, no matter how rich you are. Or how many man meats you have mouthed."

Hilton's spokesman confirms, "Paris won't be getting married in Britain. She's currently in Greece and it looks like it will happen over there. Greece is an ass lover's paradise and she'll have to adjust but from what we hear, this shouldn't be that big of an adjustment."

WE ARE SAD TO REPORT THAT LT. TODD ATKINS WAS INCARCERATED THIS PAST WEEKEND FOR A VARIETY OF CHARGES. THE HOPE: THAT HE'LL HAVE SMUGGLED OUT HIS NEWEST INSTALLMENT OF HIS LIFE AS A TEACHER OF GREAT TRUTHS BY WEDNESDAY.

PERVERTED NURSE'S CUM SHOWER NURSING

Well, fuck. I have been

feeling a little sick lately. Is

this just what the DR. ordered?

YES!!!

134163

JOEY SILVERA'S HELLCATS #6

Evil Angel

Rating: THREE "Yes, I Was Listening To Louder Than A Bomb While Watching This, Thank You" BUSTED NUTS

JOEY SILVERA'S HELLCATS #6 aka PISSING OFF WHITE BOYS FOR HOURS TO COME is really a pretty good bet as, at the least, it delivers what it promises—and that is “All Asses Get Fucked”…

LAUREN PHOENIX PRE-THE INEVITABLE PENILE SPRINKLING OF PENIS PUMICE

…and some of them licked; as is the case with KAT and the line of buttholes she services like she was running a fucking Maaco station. She doesn’t even look like she’s getting anything more than few Monopoly bills. We told her she’d get the deed to Park Ave, but the slut really should’ve known better. It doesn’t much matter to me who the joke is on anyhow, as long as some bitch somewhere is getting clowned—and such is the case here.

So…Hallelujah, motherfuckers.

It should be noted that LAUREN PHOENIX might very well be the most voracious, nastiest slophole in the industry. In dire need of a fix everytime we cross paths, it doesn’t seem to take too long for her to adorn the plastic bag and get ear deep in cock. In the classic form of utter slutitude and whoretry…perhaps even a bit of snizzness she pops up here, bag over face and demonstrates the etiquette of lesser mammals…

..and that’s precisely why we love her, now isn’t it? -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/227543.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

ROCCO'S THE LADY & HER TRAMPS #2

Evil Angel

Rating: FOUR "Next Up? Herbie the Love Bugger" BUSTED NUTS

The Lady is what happens when you use a Martha Stewart towel to wipe off your LOL’s and the Wicked Witch of the Snatch happens to be in the neighborhood feeling particularly altruistic…

…or The Lady may be one of those high school teachers that have conveniently popped up after I was in high school that will suck and fuck anything they can beat with a ruler or berate on a chalkboard…

…but basically the Lady is everything that needs to happen to me but just fucking doesn’t. I’ve done my fair share of good deeds—I’ve stopped before they went half-retarded; in fact, sometimes I didn’t even start it myself--but do hot aging ladies ever bring over a batch of Eastern European pie to my apartment and gum my shit when the Anbesol wears off?

No; and for this I’m quite displeased and about to put The. Motherfucking. Hammer. Down.

ROCCO. BEING ROCCO. OR JUST ABOUT TO. PLEASE DON'T HATE.

ROCCO is obviously a man who knows how to get the proverbial “it” down; and for that I won’t even begin to hate. I wish he’d bottle that shit up and sell it; because cocaine is just far too expensive of a means to an end but alas…

Anyhow, here we have a fairly standard Rocco flick: stuffed to the nuts with amateur Euro bitches getting turned out quicker than Japanese automobiles. They are all hot in that very reasonable “that girl would fuck me” kind of way, they’ve all spent their time doing their homework behind the iron curtain, and they are more than happy to choke a dong or 7 for a photocopied green card. Sometimes, y’know, the world isn’t really all that bad of a place.

I fancy the LIZA/SINDY segment and the massive MELINDA POZZI/The Lady fuckfest; for I’m a fan of less dick/more slick.

I would recommend both to non-homosexuals and non-White Sox fans; as if those two weren’t mutually exclusive in the first place. -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/236827.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SLAM IT IN HARDER

Harmony Films

Rating: THREE "Let's Hear It For Ass-Tomatoes" BUSTED NUTS

They should have named this one, “MELISSA EATS A TOMATO OUT OF HER OWN ASS,” because that is definitely the high point of this delightful flick.

Yes, there are lots of nut-busting scenes in this one, and the ass-tomato scene should have earned the coveted FOURTH nut, but I had to subtract one for MYA's fugly fuckin' mug. Definitely a prime example of “Butter-face” if I have ever seen (or fucked) one (and believe me, I have done both, so that makes me a fucking expert!).

MYA DIAMOND PROVIDING PROOF POSITIVE THAT EITHER RAYMOND J. JUSTIN JONES JR. THE GODDAMNED 3RD IS GAY. ORRRR... FUCKS A WAY BETTER QUALITY OF BROAD THAN THAT WHICH WE ARE USED TO FUCKING AROUND THESE A'PARTS.

When the day was over though, and when I laid my head down to the sweet thoughts of many hot broads getting slammed harder in all their glorious orifices, my dreams were of nothing but ass-tomatoes.

Sweet, sweet ass tomatoes. -- RAYMOND J. JUSTIN JONES JR. THE 3RD

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/234176.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

12 NASTY GIRLS MASTURBATING

Madness Pictures

Rating: TWO & A HALF "Knuckle Deep" BUSTED NUTS

Not a great deal of a plot here as you may have guessed. No bad puns either. Just a dozen girls playing with themselves, which is moderately enjoyable if you like that sort of thing. Whilst I am finding it hard to rant about how good this is, it is not a complete exercise in fastforwarding. Eight of the 12 ladies is hot, no, maybe six. One or two are total dogs, which provides some morbid entertainment.

ROXY JEZEL. GETTING STARTED WITHOUT YOU.

ROXY JEZEL is English and hot, although her repeated use of the word "CUNT" starts to grate, especially in her posh girl southern accent. There's only so many times you can hear "Oi want yoo to fack my cant" before you're pressing fast forward and hoping for more. CYTHEREA squirts three times, big fucking deal you may think, but the lunatics at Madness Pictures deemed this a unique selling point so I should mention it.

What more can I say?

If you like this shit, buy it. If it's not your cup of tea, don't.

Text book definition? That's right: LUKEFUCKINGWARM. -- ENGLISH BOB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/226542.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

JULES JORDAN'S FEEDING FRENZY #7

Evil Angel

Rating: ONE "Just Cause Katsumi Deserves My Unconditional Something" BUSTED NUTS

FOUR hours of blowjobs.

Sounds appealing doesn’t it? Like the great light in the sky is descending upon you. Like blowing up all those motherfucking buses really was a swell idea. Isn’t this what the world looks like when you don’t open your eyes?

Let me be the first to say: NO.

KATSUMI. MOCKING. EVER MOCKING. IN SOME SORT OF WASH TUB. AT JULES' HOUSE. ABOUT TO IRON HIS SHEETS. WHILE THE PLAYER HATER ALARMS HITS CODE MOTHERFUCKING RED.

FOUR hours worth of blowjobs when my dick is not the object of concern has about the erotic appeal of a fucking Nickelback concert.

Now I may be dropping some science on you that you may not understand; and for this I’m willing to hold your hand a little for the sake of you realizing that I’m always right. First off: no I’m not going homo even though my dick hasn’t even been sucked for the past 2 weeks; nor am I merely green with envy due to this unfortunate reality that has me eyeing McDonald’s and loading up 30 round clips while muttering incoherently. You see, I am not trying to project my failing sex life on a bunch of people that are trying to watch the opposite; I’m simply saving you from a painfully boring fuck flick.

Yes I know. Me too. Anytime.

Each segment is the same as the one that preceded it. One girl, 8 cocks, a lot of spit. Not my style, for sure, but it just has no meat for the goddamn potatoes—and I’m confident this is an unsatisfying venture for just about anybody who would dare pick it up. It’s something you can only watch for 10 minutes before it loses its appeal—it’s certainly not something that warrants purchasing a two-disc set when you can get your fill from just about any other porn on the market.

Sorry Jules, you get my respect and I’d share my drugs with you any day of the week; but you will not make a liar out of me until you bring KATSUMI to my house personally. Accept the challenge cause this dick is not sucking itself. -- Judge Roy Bean

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/238127.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

VINCE VOUYER'S LOADS OF CUM

Red Light District

Rating: FOUR "Sperm Drenching Like Sperm Drenching Was Going Out Of Sperm Drenching Style" BUSTED NUTS

Find yourself fast-forwarding to the good parts?

Lots of people do.

Are you the type a guy that goes to a restaurant only to order dessert?

Put your fucking hand down it's not that kind of question.

A LOT LIKE THIS. BUT FOR 179.5 MORE MINUTES.

Look, if you answered yes to both of those questions then you are the type of short-attention-span-obsessive-compulsive type of individual who will enjoy the fuck out of this movie. A compilation in nature, this movie has both the 123 girls and the 221 blown loads that love them. So when you see a girl, you immediately see a load on or nearabouts the vicinity of her face. After you've seen a load on or nearabouts the vicinity of her face you're guaranteed to soon see another girl followed quickly by another load on or nearabouts the vicinity of her face. So it goes: quick pops and lots of them all blurring into a never-ending load on a never-ending face. Which is sort of how we at SkullGame feel about the world.

Red Light District’s opus is dedicated to blown loads, fine bitches and missed chances (though it should be noted: very few missed faces); this movie reinforces the idea that each swallowed load is one less mouth to feed. And that’s something we can all get behind… or in front of. Either or. -- ITALIAN SAL

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/239953.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

JOEY SILVERA’S SERVICE ANIMALS #19

Evil Angel

Rating: THREE "For Crom Or Torquemada--You Choose" BUSTED NUTS

If the Holy Inquisition were just a tad bit more Catholic in purpose this is what it would look like…

…and at Vol. 19 I must say that I have many a wonder and reservation as to what the previous installments featured.

PATRICIA PETITE, WHILE UNCLEAR ON THE WHOLE HITCH-HIKING THING, IS UNCANNILY EFFECTIVE IN THIS REGARD, REGARDLESS.

Now, given my personal tastes, I would've offered a lower rating; but considering the average SkullGame reader and their approach toward the sanctimonious I think this is probably the best porn possible for…well…someone—and that someone being anyone who drives a fucking panel van.

Or goes stag to the Halloween social and appears to be more than a little excited every time the ladle is scooped.

Shoe fucking, face-sitting, scribbling expletives on the first person to pass out, slapping, biting, spitting, double penetration, and the occasional ramming of a dildo down a dude’s throat until the eyes, they water and the bowels, they loosen—this shit runs the entire gamut of what most likely happens when TOM CRUISE and BOBBY BROWN throw down on a 50. I’m sure this intrigues you, but now that I’ve got my money I’m content to watch you downgrade. Beautifully.

…but goddamn it; why the hell did they make the SATIVA ROSE segment the most non-load-worthy of the whole bunch. And why the hell did I have to apologize for my erection? Again. -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/234171.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

STEELE THIS DVD!

Afrocentric

Rating: TWO & A HALF "Covert Message Found Herein" BUSTED NUTS

STEELE THIS DVD! comes with all the fanfare that accompanies any flick focusing on LEXINGTON STEELE, who’s won a bunch of awards, or something, for, like, porking women silly. You’ve got the Black Bastard as the centerpiece, in name and likeness, brazenly flipping you off and daring you to watch him over the course of the movie's two DVDs worth of material.

However, there is an underlying message that you might have overlooked.

PIN THE PEG ON THE JUNKIE! PIN THE PEG ON THE JUNKIE! OOO...I JUST LOVE BIRTHDAY PARTIES!!!

Flipping the video over is the piece de resistance. It shows that although there is documentation of actual women getting the dicking down of their young lives, which indeed happens in the movie, strangely there are no credits whatsoever as far as who is actually in said movie. Beyond Lexington Steele, that is. Now, we’ve noticed that anything Steele-centric seems to carry a certain... focus...on the lead star that other male stars (who fuck women) just don’t have. And to say it’s been weird...and a little uncomfortable, is an understatement.

Because this is the most brazen yet.

Our conclusion: ineluctably gay. -- STEELY ROB

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/235599.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

MAMACITAS #6

Video Team

Rating: THREE & A HALF "My Aching Head, Goddamn That Bonus Disc" BUSTED NUTS

On this foray South of the Border, I came up with the NEAR brilliant review aid:

For each load lavished upon the chops and chassis of the combination GringaCubaRican whores, I would salute their valiant glazeage efforts with a shot of top-shelf tequila.

OLIVIA O'LOVELY TRYING TO SEND US A MESSAGE. OF SOME SORT. HAVING TO DO WITH, UM, TAMALES? TACOS? PIES? JESUS. THIS IS TOUGHER THAN WE THOUGHT. UM, CLAMS? RED SNAPPER? ROAST BEEF?!? TUNA FISH?!? OK. WE GIVE UP.

YASMENE MILAN and some 'roided up monster boy, not a bad fireplace fuckshot. One shot for her, one for me. I could get to enjoy this. Next up was the standard doubleteam...OLIVIA (no, not THAT Olivia) O'Lovely takes two to the chin after the ever popular DP. Ah...a double bump of Mexican Holy Water for your intrepid reporter.

The next scene was the STARMAKER, baby.

VICTORIA SWEET and her amazingly conical tits. Right, right, right, no one likes a banana rack. But...taken in context with this hot little puta...they work. They work for her...and good goddamn...they work for ME. Another two-for-one for the hungry whore...and of course, the tequila followed suit.

So let's see: 5 hispanic whores, 7 examples of man's dominion of said faces. So I'm good...nice, warm, expensive buzz...but what's THIS? Fuck me running!!! A goddamned BONUS disc?!?!

Uncork the Holy Water, tear into a new pack of wetnaps for the final assault..but one word for that bone-us disc: Underwhelming. The single redeeming factor of said scene was the fact that the glaze on her chin matched the glazed look in her eyes. Perfect. Almost. -– BUTCHER BOB

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/238038.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

BUTTMAN AT NUDES A-POPPIN' #17

Evil Empire

Rating: ONE "Hey! Is That Some Paint Drying Over There?" BUSTED NUTS

Evil Angel have obviously been lulling me into a false sense of security, only to piss on my shoes, slip me a shiv, crap in my lunch and then laugh in my face. At their best they are great, at their worst average. However, this soft-porn abortion is as good as wrapped up in newspaper and in the waste paper basket of my forgotten loads.

OK, so it's like this: John "BUTTMAN" Stagliano takes his camcorder to some weird-ass mass outdoor stripping competition, with about 3521 girls who "compete throughout the day for cash, fame and prizes..."

Some of them take their clothes off.
Some of them have no clothes at all.
Some of them dance around poles.
Some of them simply writhe around on the floor.

All filmed from about 20 yards away with thousands of bare-chested, beer-bellied, sunburned sonsabitches whooping and baying in the background. The crowd are, by and large, composed of fat, middle-aged men called Chad, Brad, Buddy and Buck.

CHAD BRAD & BUDDY BUCK WITH SUNSET THOMAS: WOOOOO HOOOOO!!!!!

You get the idea.

Some of the girls are hot, but there's JUST SO MANY. This is the special-edition director's cut version too. What did they leave out in the first edition? The girl who slid up and down the greased pole? Yeah that's the one, it was editied out to make it a bit more, you know, snappy. There's a 160 minutes of skull-crushing tedium here! Which is value for money in the boredom stakes, you have to admit.

You should definitely buy this for someone you feel really, really, really indifferent about, like my cousin who works in a supermarket. Coming your way, Matthew. You prick. -- ENGLISH BOB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/224974.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SKULLGAME'S ANAL PROBE OF MLB'S ALL-STAR GAME: COKE WHORES & CRANK. PLUS: LT. TODD ATKINS BACK FROM LONDON BOMBING INVESTIGATION, SEAN PENN BANGS BROAD IN S.F. HOTEL, MARIAH CAREY FLIPS TIT TO DISTURBINGLY DISINTERESTED NAZIS & BRITNEY HUZ IN HELL

AND from the SkullGame Male Bag, this recent missive from the previously AWOL RAYMOND J. JUSTIN JONES JR. THE GODDAMNED 3RD:

"It's hard to find time to watch porn with a three-year-old girl in the house. I'm not used to this shit. I plan on getting the fuck out ASAP. It could be worse, I could be homeless. I'm about to take Amber to court. "

"HI. MY NAME IS AMBER. I SPEND MY RENT MONEY ON WEED PURCHASED FROM MEXICANS ON OVERLY SMALL BMX BIKES. WOULD YOU LIKE TO PAY ME $5 FOR MOUTH SEX?

"She owes me $611. My lawyer says she doesn't have a leg to stand on. He's gonna do it for free because he feels bad that I lost my house and shit. She's probably going to jail cause she got caught with weed, and she's already on probation for coke. If I never get my $$$, at least I'll have my revenge, I'm a firm believer in it.

Peace,
RAYMOND J. JUSTIN JONES JR. THE GODDAMNED 3RD"

And Peace to you Mr. Goddamned 3rd!

DESPITE CRACK WHORES & CRANK COVER, MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL STILL AN OVERWHELMING GAY PUBLIC PASTTIME!!!

"HEYYYY...I'M NOT THE GAY ONE. SEE? I'M GRABBING HIS JUNK & HE'S LETTING ME DO SO. ERGO: HE IS GAY!!!

DETROIT (SkullGame) -- Due to the unusual on-field presence of top round draft pick punanny, crack, crank and steroids in a heady bouilabaisse of apres AL activity, the NL lost for the eighth straight time, handing over home-field advantage in this year's World Series to whoever ends up winning the AL. "I guarantee you," said La Russa, when someone asked if that might hurt his Cardinals, the league's best team, "that we won't have one thought about not having the home-field advantage what with all the cock coddling and nut handling going on in our dressing room. NeverMIND the dug out."

While the entire Cardinal organization would like it made clear that cock is NOT what's for dinner at their training table Pitcher CHRIS CARPENTER was not so sure. "Oh, right. And I suppose my dick has just been sucking itself this whole time?!?!?"

NEWSFLASH: INTERSPECIES MARAUDER & SEXY TALKER SEAN PENN FUCKS SAN FRANCISCO SUICIDE GIRLS IN LOCAL HOTELS FOR FUN & AMUSEMENT. SKULLGAME HOPES TO GET IN ON "SOME OF THAT."

PENN (RIGHT) WITH WRIGHT (MIDDLE) WITH FAMILY "FRIEND" (BOTTOM)

SAN FRANCISCO (SkullGame) --

"Ohmigod. You won't believe what happened to me last night."

"You fell on some cock."

"But WHOSE? You see I was out drinking and Sean PENN was there drinking and next thing I know we were at this hotel and we were fucking. Well he was. Fucking. And coming too quickly. But we still were fucking. If that's what you'd call what he did with a cock that small. Jesus. Forget I even said anything. Don't tell anyone. Pleaaaassseee? He's married, you know."

"Oh. Our lips are fucking sealed."

PREGNANT SPEARS SLUT INVITES ERSTWHILE FAUX NEGRO HUSBAND TO HELL. "COME ON IN...THE WATER'S WARM!!!"

"OOOOO...DID YOU TELL HIM HOW DISGUSTING YOU ARE? OH. YOU WILL? WHEN HE GETS BACK? PERRRRRFFFFEECCCT...."

FLORIDA (SkullGame) -- Pregnant poop star and slut of stage and screen BRITNEY SPEARS is reportedly expecting twin destructive engines of talentlessness. The singer, 23, is expecting to give birth in the fall. Her husband, and Negro Impersonator KEVIN FEDERLINE, is already father to two children -- Kori, 2, and Kaleb, 11 months.

The New York Daily News reports Spears recently discovered she will be giving birth to two babies. Federline sighed heavily before jetting off to Vegas again to help a friend down on his luck over at the Spearmint Rhino. And to get some cigarettes. While he's getting the oil changed. On the Bentley.

MARIAH CAREY'S TITS WONDER ALOUD, "WHAT? NO SAUSAGE??!?!"

WE WAITED, AND WAITED. IN FACT WE'RE STILL WAITING. FOR ABOUT 3 SECONDS OF TRIPPED OUT TIT. AND HER TO SHUT HER PIEHOLE. SIGH.

BERLIN, HOME OF THE 63 YEAR OLD WHORE (SkullGame) -- Pop star MARIAH CAREY "accidentally" "flashed" her bulbous breasts at "stunned" "fans" during a TV show in Germany when her dress "fell apart".

The star, who experienced a moment reminiscent of Janet Jackson's infamous "wardrobe malfunction" last year, was saved from further embarrassment, and possible upside fame considerations, when floor managers cut the lights to allow the singer to recover her dignity -- and clothes -- in obscurity, according to MTV News. While never finding her dignity, only begrudgingly finding her clothes and while bumping into obscurity all over the place, the red-faced, like RED SKELETON-red-faced superstar saw the funny side, quipping, "Someone bring me a jacket or the show's off, we all know how quickly these images can spread around the world.

Haha.

We hope."

LT. TODD ATKINS RETURNS IN BIRTHDAY PARTY BRAWL

"FALLUJAH??? I LOVE IT."

"I took my little brother to a pool party last night because his best friend had a birthday party. To start with, I was in a foul mood because of some of the internet yappers who had been talking smack behind their keyboards who wouldn't have dared say that to my face. Secondly, some jackass Navy officer had forced me to take a bodyfat test and I had failed. The fucking Navy has decided to dock my pay each month until I get down to 15% bodyfat, which could take months of dieting. Needless to say, I was pissed.

As I took my little bro into the backyard, I wanted to take a look and see who my possible opponents were. As I have learned in the Navy and in martial arts, opponents exist everywhere but it is up to the individual to locate them. There were a couple of tough looking guys, but I was pretty confident in my abilities as a fighter. I have been training pretty hard with Scrapper lately and was jumping at the chance to test out which worked better in a real brawl, the Navy's Hand-to=Hand or Scrapper's NHB style.

My little bro played in the pool for a while and I could sense that I was getting stared at the whole time. It was hot outside, so I had taken my shirt off. The mothers of the kids were staring at me in admiration of my physique and the fathers of the kids were staring at me in jealousy of my good looks and the fear of possibly having to cross me. I just stood there pretending not to notice anything and look intimidating with my arms crossed to show off my biceps and tattoos.

The night went on and eventually it was time for the kids to hit the pinata. I volunteered to make sure the little 10 year olds stayed in line and kept my intimidating stare fixed on them in case they started to go wild. Sure enough, one of them did. Some little fat boy tried to cut in line in front of my bro and I wasn't about to permit it. I fixed my icy glare on the future fatty but he ignored it, hoping I would forget about him. Instead I spoke up and with my deep manly voice told the little cheat to hurry up and move his fat ass to the back of the line and drop the stick, or else. His parents immediately came over.

“Excuse me? What did you just say to our son?”

And with that, the father tried to stare me down. The father soon turned his head and blinked, scared to look at me in the beginning stages of a vicious rage. As it turns out, the mother wasn’t as easily intimidated. Instead of wasting my valuable time on some dumb broad, my mind resorted back to the training I had received under Scrapper. I reached back and shoved the kid to the ground and took the piñata stick from his hands. Then I delivered a stunning blow across the face of the wife, knocking her to the ground while she screamed in agony. The husband charged me and even absorbed a blow from the piñata stick before taking me to the ground. Apparently, he was some type of trained wrestler. It didn’t matter, because Scrapper and the Navy had taught me exactly what to do in a situation like this.

I placed him in my guard, reached my hand up and squeezed his balls until he let go of me. Then I hopped up and delivered a powerful spinning kick across his face, knocking him senseless. Their little kid had gotten back up and was trying to bite my leg after watching me beat down his parents. I decided to teach this punk a lesson by suplexing him into the pool headfirst. I followed him down into the pool and held his head underwater until he apologized to me for causing the whole scene.

Afterward, I jumped out of the pool and looked around. I asked if anyone else wanted to test the Navy's finest, but no one even had the brass to look me in the eye. I put my shirt back on, did a little flex for the ladies, picked up my little brother, cut a slice of birthday cake for myself on the way home, and left. It was a hard lesson to learn, but at least now that little kid realizes serious consequences exist for cheating.

Lt. Todd “The Teacher” Atkins (TM)

$36!!! AND THAT'S MY FINAL FUCKING OFFER!!!

A Berlin grandmother who has worked the city's diplomatic quarter as a prostitute for the last 49 years plans to retire when she turns 64 next year, according to Germany's Bild newspaper. "I've got a lot of regular clients," the blonde Renate Dolle told the newspaper, pictured wearing a short red mini skirt and high-heeled white boots as she stood near the Japanese embassy. She said she charges 30 euros ($36) and on good nights she has four to five clients. "I'm going to stop at 64 and retire," said Dolle, whose husband drops her off for work each night after the television evening news and who has a nine-year-old granddaughter. She is one of 10,000 prostitutes in Berlin and 400,000 in Germany, where prostitution is legal.

YOUNG TIGHT LATINAS #8

Red Light District

Rating: FOUR "Mexicans CAN Do Math" BUSTED NUTS

What makes a young tight Latina?

Well for one thing they should be young. Secondly, they should be, um, tight. And thirdly, this is the most important thing, they should be willing have dicks pushing in and out of every orifice…sometimes simultaneously and always vigorously!

NO STRANGER TO STRANGER'S LOADS: MEGAN MARTINEZ ABOUT TO MEET SOME MORE.

Now with the requirements listed and out of the way, let’s get down to the meat and potatoes of this cross border 6-act vagina monologue.

Starring brace-faced little KAT. Don’t let this innocent-and-brace-faced border jumper fool you. She is as whorish as any chick that sticks a dildo in her ass while servicing two guys simultaneously can be. Coincidentally enough that’s just what Kat does in her scene. Subtracting the semen from her two co-stars nuts, Kat shows you don’t need a high school diploma to subtract the semen from the testicles and add them to your face: it's just simple arithmetic…and loads, well, mostly loads.

Also starring super puta MEGAN MARTINEZ, her scene consists of Penises, Loads and Loads being removed from said Penises. In that order. Megan gets double teamed with extreme prejudice in what may or may not be her first adult scene and proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that no green card doesn’t automatically mean no work in Chatsworth, CA.

Ole! -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/236744.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

INCUMMING #5

Diabolic

Rating: FOUR & A HALF "Carrying The Load" BUSTED NUTS

In sports, one guy can carry the whole team. Can one starlet carry a whole fuck video? You better believe it. KEEANI LEI is such a starlet, and she carries the load better than KOBE BRYANT ever has or will.

LIKE ATLAS. BUT WITH LOADS. MS. KEEANI LEI, LADIES & GENTLEMAN.

The emphasis here is on load, or loads, as it were. All six girls in this flick (also featuring MEGAN MARTINEZ and DENISE K.) take the blasts internally, which I guess is hot. Suffice to say if you get strangely aroused by seeing the filling of a bitten doughnut drip out, you’re going to dig this movie. And even if you don’t, you’re going to dig this movie.

Which brings us back to Keeani. She’s got the best of both worlds: Asian fucktoy looks with Caucasian athletic tone. Her tits are small, but they’re cum worthy. Keep scrunching up the nose gratuitously and riding reverse cowgirl, babe. Oh, and happy fucking trails. -- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/233574.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

JUSTIN SLAYER'S BIG BOOTY WHITE GIRLS #2

Evil Angel

Rating: TWO "Not Enough Ass, No Ass Fucking" BUSTED NUTS

Okay, I know I confessed to being a dunky-junky in a previous review, but I CANNOT live on ass alone.

And the girls in this one aren’t even that cheeky anyway. And I don’t want any excuses about their European heritage, because nowadays there are plenty of pale-faced, plump-asses.

"HI. MY NAME IS SARAH BLUE AND RIGHT NOW I AM NOT PRESENTLY STARRING IN A MOVIE ENTITLED FULL-BLOWN FACIAL CUM SHOTS!!! THANK YOU VERY MUCH."

Quite simply, this one is goddamned boring! Sure, the Justin on the screen was having fun, but the Justin sitting on the couch with his limp-dick in one hand, and the ffwd button in the other, was not.

I am also reminded of something another Mack Avenue alum said in some other big booty-type review. Something along the lines of why these movies that actually have ass featured in the title, have little to no ass-fucking! Help me wrap my mind around that one.

Yes, yes...wrap my mind around that sort of like I'd like to see some anal rings wrapped around some cock, mine or anyone else's. Anyone?!? Hands?!? Hands?!?

Oh well. If you must check this out, do yourself a favor and skip directly to the JAZMINE scene. -- RAYMOND J. JUSTIN JONES JR. THE GODDAMNED 3RD

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/234187.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SKULLGAME'S COKE RAGE ISSUE: EVERY ITEM IS WRITTEN IN THE FULL BLOOM OF COKE RAGES. A GUARANTEE. PLUS LENNY KRAVITZ ON ASS PATROL, MARIAH CAREY COMMITS HARI-KARI WHILE CONTINUING LONDON BOMBING & KATIE HOLMES PRACTICING UNCOMFORTABLE SEX ACT!

THIS issue of SkullGame is being brought to you by TERRY SARGENT a.k.a. The Skullgame Writer Who Was Too SkullGame For Even SkullGame.

SEE WHAT THE FUCK WE MEAN?!?!

Yes. At SkullGame Quality Control is Job Fucking #1 and while Sarge's interest and adherence to world history beginning with Jew Killing and, um, ending with Jew Killing, was conceptually compelling, the bald-headed sluts, the rampant faggotry and the really bad music, not to mention his cripplingly codependent and coercive friendship with SKEETER KERKOVE and well, you see our problem. We had to let him the fuck go. He will be missed. By Heinrich. Whose deep and abiding belief in his theorizing AND his ass was almost sort of touching. In a piquantly homoerotic sort of way.

"LENNY KRAVITZ?!?! SHEEEIIITTT....THAT NIGGA FUCKED MY COUCH ONCE TOO!!!"

"DIG. STEVIE'S BLIND, RIGHT? SEE WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS? I'MA FUCK THIS WHITE BROAD RIGHT HERE. TELL HIM SHE SOME KINDA NEW SINGER OR SOMETHING. FUCK YEAH IT'LL WORK. I DONE IT THOUSANDS OF TIMES."

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Rocker & Fucker of Possibly Every Living Thing With A Pussy & A Face LENNY KRAVITZ has received so many compliments for his stylish, semen-stained home interiors, he's launched his own fucking design company. The singer started furnishing his friend's homes, after he had to come up with some bullshit to explain why he was there when they got home from work to find their wives tired and Kravitz under the fucking bed.

And so now he's decided to turn his talent for drilling bitches and mixing contemporary and retro semen stylings into a business that will get his cock even closer to whatever cooze you might have just laying around.

He says, "Nigga, you know how many people aksed me to do their homes? Or them? If I had a fucking nickel....Anyways, I love things that are rooted in classic styles -- like your broad on my cock -- and you'll see quite a bit of that as well as a blend of, um, you know, furniture. And shit. You might even see an art nouveau chair with a Negro in it next to a chair from the 1960s with another Negro in it."

"THE RETARD? GODDAMNED RIGHT I DID HER."

"There's a lot of styles in it, because like in music, I'm well versed in style, so it could be completely modern style, it could be classic in different styles. It has to be comfortable, it has to have a sensual style to it.

Especially if by "style" you mean "bitches."

FAT HO UPSET THAT PUBLIC NOT MORE YIELDING WHEN CONSIDERING FAT HO'S. THEIR FEELINGS. THEIR THIGHS.

MARIAH & HER NEGRO PORTER TREVOR ABOUT TO DO A RIB RUN.

LONDON (SkullGame) -- R&B beauty and goddamned fat fucking ho MARIAH CAREY flew into a fat-fueled rage on live German TV from London Thursday night -- after a cheeky comedian drew attention to her cellulite problem. And her penchant for race mixing. The singer attacked funnyman Oliver Pocher during a tense interview, in the only way she knew how: with her godawful screeching, immediately after he looked at her tight-fitting dress and joked, "What do you call a stuffed sausage in English?" And "are you now or have you ever been a Jew?"

She fumed, "There are too many men here, delivering turkish pizza, and you, you are not being fair."

Pocher explains, "We were simply discussing the cellulite Ms. Carey has on her legs, and how it reminded us of, oh so many Jews..." and then again more wistfully, "so, sooooo, many Jews....Anyways, I only said what the public were thinking. About Jews, I mean."

KATIE HOLMES "POSES" IN "WEDDING" DRESS "FUELING" HOMOSEXUALLY FULFILLING CRUISEIAN SPECULATION REGARDING SPECTACLE & ITS LIKELY CONNECTIONS TO COCK

"I WISH THAT...WELL, THAT ONE DAY ALL WOMEN WILL BE AS LUCKY AS I AM. AND BE ABLE TO FIND THEIR VERY OWN SUPER SPECIAL MAN. WHO'S GAY.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- The future Mrs. TOM "I'M NOT GAY" CRUISE aka KATIE HOLMES has already tried on at least one wedding gown in anticipation of continuing her painfully uncomfortable ruse yet another month. Katie Holmes appears in the August issue of W magazine, a gayer magazine which is almost impossible to find, posing in a Commes des Garcons wedding dress and continuing to gush about her fiance, the notorious HETEROSEXUAL Tom Cruise. The "couple", who went "public" with their "relationship" in April, haven't announced a "date" for "their marriage."

"Tom and I will always be in our honeymoon phase," Holmes says in W, on newsstands July 22. "Right up to the very moment when he finds the charade too staggeringly wrong to fill," said Holmes, right before Jessica Rodriguez, who is described as her "Scientologist chaperone," hit her with a bang stick. Rodriguez's role in Holmes' life remains vague, though Rodriguez says they're "just best friends" since meeting around the time Holmes met Cruise, who has been nowhere to be seen in her general vicinity while working on pool-related issues with houseboy and general factotum Ramon.

"You adore him," Rodriguez told Holmes in what is clearly just the tip of a much-more gooned out iceberg when the actress was at a loss for words to describe her love for the non-homosexual.

WHO AMONGST US HAS NOT CAST THIS FUCKING STONE?!?!

A MAN who bludgeoned to death his drug dealer has been jailed for only four years because he was in a drug-induced psychotic state that affected his capacity to understand events and his judgment about right and wrong. A Supreme Court jury cleared Matthew Gagalowicz, 21, of murder but convicted him of the manslaughter of Ricky Mark Smith. Gagalowicz was sentenced to a maximum of eight years with a minimum of four years, but with time already served he will be eligible for release in April 2007. The sentence sparked outrage among members of Mr Smith's family, who had to be escorted, yelling, from the court. Gagalowicz beat Mr Smith, 41, to death with a baseball bat, before dismembering him with a knife and burying the parts in a suitcase in his backyard in February 2003.

WET DREAMS, WET PANTIES

"Wet panties? Wet chin!!! Wet

coconut? Wet oil!!! Wet ass?

Wet ass fucking!" We think he's

got it!!!

220626

KEEPING THE MAGIC DEAD!

YO VINNIE,
I've been with my old lady long enough for her to qualify as an OLD lady. I've seen all the articles about keeping the magic alive and such but that's for a patient that's got some signs of life and I'm stuck with a TERRY SCHIAVO deal here. So my question is: once things have irretrievably gone down the toilet, why the fuck are the magazines, my friends, my family, and total strangers (at family gatherings) advising me to stay on? I mean is there an angle here that I have yet to correctly see? P.S. When I say long, I mean about 18 years. -- The 2000 Year Old Man (by email)

"FUCK YOU." "FUCK YOU!" BATHROOM SEX AT ITS FINEST!!!

Dear Mel Brooks: Let's look at the video tape: now when Lesbos [and not the kind that munch rugs and look like GINA GERSHON & MEG TILLY and fuck and fuck until somebody gets killed] get to business in their long-term fluid-bonded fucking partner unions they frequently stumble full flaps forward into what's so piquantly called Lesbian Bed Death. This state frequently positions the puss as being the functional equivalent of a THIRD EYE BLIND record: something nobody in their right mind would want. Unless they were very, very gay and trying to PROVE something. Much like S. JENKINS, Third Eye Blind's sausage-seeking frontman. Anyways, this is what bitches do when left to their own devices. There is, it should be noted, no GAY MALE equivalent to this phenomena since men, when left to their own devices, will fuck 1000 asses, a 1000 different ways up to and including the one that in all likelihood will kill them. This is the elemental man, shorn of the socializing influences of having to fucking LIE to women about what the fuck they want, since it is more than clear to us that they want it all.

French Translation: You are a fag.

English Translation: 18 years is too long for any one MAN to be fucking any one piece of PUSSY.

Now. we're not saying to DUMP her. We ARE saying, goddamn it man, DON'T LET YOUR FUCKING MEAT LOAF. It is a crimes against SkullGame humanity to do so. So go, young sir, and fuck wild. Fuck long. Fuck free.

DAVID LUGER'S TEENS MAKE YOU CUM THE MOST

Red Light District

Rating: FOUR "8 TEEN, It Should Be Noted" BUSTED NUTS

David Luger says: “Teens make you cum the most”!

Let me just say, first and foremost, that when you make a statement like that you should be overly specific whenever possible. For example: “Eighteen year old, teens with a valid California ID card, as well a birth certificate, make you cum the most.”

SEXY & 17...I MEAN 18! 18!! SHE'S SEXY & 18, AND SHE'S MY LITTLE ROCK & ROLL DREAM. MYAH MONROE GETTING READY FOR HER FUCKING CLOSE UP.

Not as catchy…but still a safe bet in an industry that has received more than its fair share of scrutiny in the last 12 months. What with all the hubbub of an AIDS scare, a Michael Jackson scare and the 2257 lawsuit scare, I don’t think anybody needs a Feds scare, what with those motherfuckers creeping around our bedrooms while we frantically try to jerk one out to movies just like this one.

So, without all the legalese and overqualified titles to keep the proverbial man off our back while we tug on our jack, let's get down to it. It being TEENS MAKE YOU CUM THE MOST. And indeed they do. [Providing they are OVER 18.] And David Luger has gathered a butt load of fine-ass bitches including MYAH MONROE, KAT and cover girl VANESSA MICHAELS.

Each scene better then the one preceding it, leading up to a finale that has you tugging on your tool forever. And ever.

Amen. -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/234618.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

MANUEL FERRARA'S TEEN CUM SQUAD #3

Red Light District

Rating: FIVE "Goddamn It This Movie Is Goddamned Good, Goddamnit" BUSTED NUTS

The Teen Cum Squad needs a few young women to do their patriotic duty of making the countries' collective load safe in the face of tyranny.

How, you ask, are they going to do that?

Well, apparently, by applying load after load on their collectively upturned faces. And then, immediately upon completion of multiple load deposits, socking them, that is said loads, away into the well-crusted nooks and crannies of their habitually open maws.

God, I love this country.

YES. KARINA KAY. IMMEDIATELY PRECEDING THE RAPID & AGGRESSIVE DELIVERY OF DOUBLED LOADS TO SINGLE CHINS. AMERICA IS ONCE AGAIN: SAFE!

Who would have thought that the War On Terror would have taken such a ball-draining turn for all things load? Not I.

MANUEL FERRARA brings together a veritable Who’s Fucking Who of facial decoupage aficionados in his third installment of his TEEN CUM SQUAD series. Starring KARINA KAY, this pig put the LOVE in LOAD. Her scene had more ooohs and ahs during its load application portion that I thought for a moment that I was watching an Herbal Essence shampoo commercial.

Some chicks turn away from a well-placed load?

Not Karina, you see, Karina Kay is all about loads; in her face, down her throat, whatever. She loves the load and it shows. This vid allso stars JASMINE BYRNE. This caramel-skinned cunt doesn’t even make it through the door before Manuel starts boning her. "That’s not strange,” you might say. Well it IS if he wasn’t part of the scene in the first place!!!

Once Manuel regains his composure, and his pants, the scene begins with MR. PETE and ERIK EVERHARD; who, incidentally, isn’t such a tool anymore; both guys commence to lay the fuck on Jasmine. This scene escalates from blowjob to DP in no time flat…and before you know it?

A load on the face…times 10.

Also starring VICTORIA SWEET this movie is a must-see for all those who love to see multiple loads blown in chicks' faces and then have said loads subsequently ingested by said chicks. -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/234440.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

PLAYING WITH KAT

Anarchy

Rating: ONE & A HALF "Playing With: Bullets. And Lots Of Them" BUSTED NUTS

The SkullGame staff has been saying all along to avoid Anarchy’s “PLAYING WITH...” series. Avoid. At. All. Costs.

With porn, the adage about not judging a book by its cover is nearly always out the window. And as always, the premise of this series is a famous fuck slut (famous as far as fuck sluts go) gets worked as per your “direction.” Translation: chapters shot in sort of “point of view” style broken up by fuck themes that largely adhere to chapters in any Evil Angel video for the last five years, except the chapters here are WAAAYY longer.

So what’s different?

KAT: SURE, SHE'S CUTE & ALL IN WHAT WITH THE BRACES & THE LIGHT FROSTING OF LIP JIZ LIGHTING UP HER SMILE, BUT FOREVER (APPROX. LENGTH OF VID)?!?! NOOOOO....

Well, it all traces back to there being only ONE girl in the movie. But what they save in cast payment they’re not making up for in anything else. That we can tell. The mechanical sex is all shot in an antiseptic “room” made up of some sort of platform and a black backround. It’s like the weather report but someone forgot to turn on the blue screen. It’s like watching the shit, looped video on a black and white TV at some leftist modern art gallery. It’s like watching “THX 1138" if there were a sex scene in it.

It’s not a turn on.

We had to WORK to pop a boner. And that’s because we still have a waning allegiance to KAT. They claim this thing is a sex simulator? Only if the girl actually comes out of the screen, thanks. -- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/238773.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

BLACK PIPE LAYERS

Exquisite Multimedia/Evil Angel

Rating: THREE & A HALF "Have Pipe Will Travel" BUSTED NUTS

Like some sort of all black mercenary force, JUSTIN SLAYER and friends stalk the night, emerging from the shadows to invade foreign lands on a number of seek and destroy missions in this down and dirty fuck flick. Culminating with an orgy in a private bowling alley (with psychedelic black-lit lanes and champagne-flavored blow jobs no less), BLACK PIPE LAYERS showcases this commando unit gangbanging the likes of MELISSA, SARAH O'NEIL, and SABRINA BLACK in a way that reminds one of how they feel after filing their income tax: AN ALL-OUT FUCKFEST!

SABRINA BLACK. ABOUT TO BE COVERED IN EXACTLY THAT.

Although this flick could be vastly improved with some better-looking chicks (although these ladies do get props for their…ahem…gusto), you can’t knock the hustle of these three superpimps and their mission to bring “da Hood” to Hungary.

My only question is, “Where’s all the Cisco and blunts, dawg?” -- ANIMAL THUG

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/125306.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

BRIDGET THE MIDGET'S GANG BANG/THE MIGHTY MIDGET

Leisure Time

Rating: THREE BUSTED Nuts as Porn/10 BUSTED NUTS As A Comedy

Remember in 1995 when Ska got popular? Remember how hard you laughed when that happened?

Fast forward 9 years, and think about that guy in Tower Records last week who as you are perusing the metal section for Manowar albums comes up and tells you your music taste sucks. Now do you recall how hard you laughed when you inquired as to his musical preference and he said "Ska"? Then how much harder you laughed when you accused him of being the ONLY person on this earth who still likes Ska that's not in a Ska band?

Well this flick is ALMOST that funny! But I need not elaborate on this
further. I mean do I really have to tell you AGAIN how fucking funny midgets
fucking is? I mean, the arms flailing wildly and uncontrollably in the air
because they are too small to grab onto anything should have been a good
fucking indication of that. Also the four guys whose cocks in total length
are taller than BRIDGET THE MIDGET herself is also a pretty good fucking
clue.

Now if for some reason your mental handicap does not allow you to be
amused by such depravity, then may I suggest walking your pathetic ass
over to the shitty video section... Uh.. I mean the "VIVID VIDEO--OUR
PORN IS LIKE WATCHING FRUIT FUCK" section.

Anyways, I hear Bridget The Midget makes guest appearances at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch. Next time that happens you can bet your impotent monkey ass I will be the first in the door. My only gripe, however, about Bridget is that
whenever she smiles it looks like she chews rocks for a living instead of
cocks. Also someone needs to shoot whoever did the lighting for Bridget's
Gang Bang. I missed 2 cumshots because your ass is too stupid to properly
point a light in one direction. Jackass!!!!!--HABIB

Buy the DVD

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/gangbangdvd.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SKULLGAME'S RESPONSE TO LONDON BOMBINGS INDICATES A WOEFUL LACK OF UNDERSTANDING OF EVERYTHING. NOW TSUNAMIS? WELL, THOSE WE UNDERSTAND. BUT BOMBINGS? THAT AIN'T GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH COURTNEY LOVE RECORDS? NO FUCKING IDEA. NONE.....

...BESIDES WHICH WE'S STILL ON VACATION IN THE BEAUTIFUL UNITED KINGDOM. BEAUTIFUL & FLAMING. BEAUTIFUL, FLAMING & AWASH WITH THE FRUITS OF ISLAM'S, THE PEACEFUL RELIGION'S, LABORS OF RELIGIOUS CHARITY. & WE WON'T BE BACK TIL MONDAY JULY 11TH, 2005. PROVIDING WE LIVE THAT FUCKING LONG. WHAT WITH THE FATWA NOW ON ALL OUR HEADS AS A RESULT OF JUST NOW CLAIMING IN THE ROUNDEST ABOUT OF WAYS THAT ISLAM IS POSSIBLY PRONE TO A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF OVER-ZEALOUSNESS IN REGARDS TO EATING PORK & BLOWING SHIT UP.

Brought to you by Oops-What-Do-I-Do-Now? household cleanser. For those moments when you feel....not quite so....fresh. Oops-What-Do-I-Do-Now?, 10 won't get you 20...with a little elbow grease. Oops-What-Do-I-Do-Now?!!!

WHEN THE QUESTION IS RAISED, "WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? SHOOT ME?" THE ANSWER SEEMS TO INVARIABLY BE: YES. YES I AM.

THE AVN PORN SLUT SYMPOSIUM: WHY WE DON'T USE BIRTH CONTROL

LAUREN PHOENIX SEZ "BECAUSE I HATE YOU. THAT'S WHY."

LAS VEGAS (SkullGame) -- It happened to JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT. It happened to MR. MARCUS. The IT in question? The possibility of fatherhood as a result of a porn slut who got pregnant being a porn slut. That is, ON CAMERA. Far be it from us to pass judgment of any kind on any kind of stupid ass behavior but how does this happen? Cops carry bullets. Housepainters bring ladders. Why don't porn sluts take the pill? Use the I.O.U. Or some Saran Wrap?

KENDALL: Because you're not supposed to be coming inside me anyway. Fucking you was the first time in two years I've fucked somebody without a condom even. Come outside me and I don't get pregnant. Easy.

NAUDIA NYCE:

WE'LL PUT THAT DOWN AS A "FUCK YOU."

What? What?

OLIVIA:

OLIVIA, IN DISGUISE, WITH ONE MOOK, AND THE CAPTAIN STUBBING

What? You came inside me? Fuccckkkk...

ONA ZEE:

MY GYNECOLOGIST USED TO BE A HOUSE PAINTER. ISN'T THAT COOL?

I'm Jewish. We don't get pregnant from fucking. Read your bible. Seriously.

JENNA JAMESON: I use birth control. It's called OverExposure. Works like a charm. Like...a...Charm.

So there you have it. Not a single answer worth a damn. You, porn slut, you and me and baby make three.

Jesus.

ANOTHER ITALIAN SALVO: SKULLGAME MOURNS THE TSUNAMI DEAD

THE BEACHES ARE SO COOL AND EMPTY THIS TIME OF YEAR THAT I THINK ... I'LL...JUST...MASTURBATE MY TROUBLES AWAY.......

THAILAND (SkullGame) -- And for the third week in a row Sal mourns the loss of 150,000 potential hits on www.Skullgame.com. Sal was recently quoted as saying “why oh why couldn’t they have just purchased something with a valid Credit Card before that fucking wave!?! I’m sure someone alive would have enjoyed the porn.”

Reports are still streaming in from Southeast Asia reporting damage in the amount of nearly $75 (Canadian). United Nations spokesperson was reported as commenting “Why oh why couldn’t they have purchased something with a valid Credit Card before that fucking wave hit!?!”

Despite the staggering financial loss, as well as the less important but equally devastating loss of life, most villagers including Thapjang Mooseheliang were reporting above all their losses the most devastating is the loss of their high speed connections, with Mooseheliang commenting “Why oh why couldn’t they have just purchased something with a valid Credit Card before that fucking Wave hit!?!

Get the picture yet? Good!

TALES FROM THE PIPE: JIMMY THE FUCKING G ON THE METH DEALER TO THE STARS: GREG BENSON

BIRDS OF A COCK-SUCKING FEATHER FLOCK THE FUCK TOGETHER

CENTRAL VALLEY (SkullGame) -- SKULLGAME Scrub reporter and lube tech JIMMY THE G takes us to the posh Bakersfield, CA storage unit of one Greg Benson, dealer to such notables as CHASEY LAIN, COURTNEY LOVE, GIA PALOMA, and LINDSAY LOHAN. Benson's deluxe base lab features 55 gallon drums of anhydrous ammonia, an imported laminar flow hood, and a new Kilotech KPS-50 HEAVY-DUTY Bench Scale.

"I know that today's celebrity tweakers have the most discriminating palates ever," opines the wiry Benson. "What with all the doctor shopping, substance-abuse contract clauses, and years of mainlining. I always wanted to make sure that my products' purity and potency were unrivalled in the world of both meth and recently crack dealing, to please my elite clientele. So I spared no expense in fitting my rented storage bin with only the finest lab equipment and supplies. Over here is the Boekel 4-Shelf Stainless Steel Dessicator DOMONIQUE SIMONE likes to snort Ketamine off of when he's in town!"

Jimmy the G promises to post pictures, as soon as he recovers from his exquisite crack psychosis hangover.

RUSSIAN POLICEWORK, SKULLGAME STYLE!!!

Moscow police intercepted a car packed with explosives in central Moscow and said they had thwarted a terrorist attack, Russian media reported. Police found a 200-gram block of TNT, two anti-personnel landmines and a 20-liter canister with gasoline along with detonators and an electronic operating device. A suspect arrested at the scene later died in hospital six hours after questioning. Initial reports said the man had suffered a heart attack, but shortly afterwards it was reported that he had bean beaten to death, apparently during the interrogation and a post-mortem examination showed the man had been beaten and had not suffered a heart attack. Polls show that Russians have a very low opinion of the police and security services, accusing them of being corrupt and unprofessional.

TIGHT WET PANTIES

Elegant Angel

Rating: FOUR "Thank You, Thank You Very Much" BUSTED NUTS

ZUPKO in all his creepy, creepy genius brings us girls just like “The King” liked them; wearing tighty whiteys, wife beaters and full of slutty deliciousness. Only unlike Elvis, Zupko’s girls are all above the age of consent, (barely) and not rasslin' each other while Elvis ate fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, well…not in every scene.

WE ARE SOOOOO LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING A ONE MS. TRINA MICHAELS, PICTURED HERE SANS WET PANTIES, TIGHT OR OTHERWISE, GETTING GOO GLAZED LIKE GOO GLAZING WAS GOING OUTTA STYLE. WHICH IT NEVER IS.

TIGHT WET PANTIES are as much an homage to tight wet panties as it is to tight wet pussy. Each and every one of the girls is totally pantified for duration of the scene, a huge plus for those of you who like that whole impromptu “let me just stick the head in” kind of sex, as well as for the “cram the cotton into your fuck hole" fetish crowd.

Featuring TRINA MICHAELS and HARMONY, to name a few, this movie will have you wearing the skin from your dick as you maniacally jack off watching load after load expertly delivered to these partially clad cunts' faces. Partially clad cunts' faces, try saying that three times fast.

Did I like it? Come on, what do you think, Smart Ass. -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy It NOW!

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JOHN WEST'S WHORE GAGGERS #2

Anarchy Films

Rating: HALF "A Creeped The Fuck Out" BUSTED NUT

The editor of FANGORIA just called. He wants his magazine cover back. He’s just jealous. He knows that none of his horror movie industry cronies could possible get makeup to be as horrifying as GIA PALOMA's actual face.

GIA PALOMA'S ACTUAL FACE

In fact, JUST the mention of “Paloma” signals the most repulsive depravity from fucking MILES away. So no shortage of that. Too bad depravity is inversely proportional with busted nuts.

ASHLEY HAZE ENJOYING THIS WHOLE THING JUST ABOUT AS MUCH AS WE DID

The all-blow job, all-messy mascara ordeal does at least feature ANNIE CRUZ (here, CRUZE). So it’s not all bad. But 120 minutes of respiratory distress, spit, tears and bitches waiting for it to all be over, is about 100 minutes too much. So I like whores. I even like John West's whores. But John West's Gagging Whores? Not so much. -- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/233142.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

blackhole_35

THE HILLLLLLLS ARE ALIVE
WITH THE SOUND OF COCK

DEMI MARX from FLESH HUNTER 5

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=122817

THROAT YOGURT

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: THREE "Get This...It's Yogurt...For Your Throat. Get It?!?!" BUSTED NUTS

Load after load after load after load after load, all delicately placed down the esophagi of random sluts from all over Burbank. And surrounding areas.

Directed by none other than the fantastic auteur, JESSICA DEE, whoever the fuck she is. THROAT YOGURT has girls, loads and incidentally girls who love loads…in their mouths…and down their throats…and stuff.

ALESHA BIZART & A SPOON: THE MIND FUCKING BOGGLES. JIZ, JUNK, OR BOTH? INQUIRING MINDS DO NOT GIVE THE SLIGHTEST SHIT

Starring straight up fuck pigs, BRITTANY MADISON, MISSY MONROE and ARIANA JOLLEE this movie is a tribute to the fact that you don’t have to be a male director to convince girls to ingest copious amounts of semen, you need only a check book and a craft service table and...well, some times just a check book is enough. Maybe even more then enough. And that's withOUT the fucking checks.

Is this flick worth the price of admission? That would be, $25 and loads innumerable?

I think so. I thought the women were attractive, the level of degradation was just enough to get you off without turning you off (a la MAX HARDCORE), and above all full of great extra features. If you liked “Brandon Iron’s A GOOD SOURCE OF IRON” you will definitely like THROAT YOGURT.

Next up?

You got it, baby: ASS BACON. -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/217444.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

AND METH. DON'T FORGET METH.

Ensign Games releases DreamStripper 3D, a new PC game using lifelike Hollywood technology. In DreamStripper you totally control the dancer. You decide how she dances, what she wears, even the music she dances to! Have her writhe or spin just when and how you want or create an erotic and exotic dance program. You are in control. As she dances watch her expressions change, pause the dance, move the camera to watch from any angle, and change or remove her outfits. You can even insert your own MP3 files and have her dance to your favorite tunes. The Game Mode is a stripping game where you make money by having the dancer dance. The more exciting the dance, the greater the tips (rather like in real life, dancers have said). The money is then spent buying more exotic moves, costume changes, and lighting effects.

THE SKULLGAME VIOLATION OF EVERY CONFIDENCE EVER HELD TO BE SACRED ISSUE WHEREIN WE TATTLE ON ANYONE THAT EVER TOLD US "JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME" IN A PAGEANTRY OF FAGGOTRY OF TOM CRUISEIAN PROPORTION

Brought to you by our proud sponsors ABSOLUT whose fine libation will take the entire fucking ride when we are asked by those angered, violated and huddled masses: WHY? WHY? WHY?

BECAUSE WE WERE DRUNK ON FINE-ASS SCANDINAVIAN GRAVY, THAT'S WHY!!!

COURTNEY LOVE'S LAST RECORD SOLD 60,000 COPIES

HEYY...CAN'T HURT, MIGHT HELP

Between court appearances, rambling media moments in front of the mic designed to give FARRAH "MY HAIR IS JUST A METH. I MEAN MESS!" FAWCETT a run for her money, court appearances for court appearances, and last but not least, the amazing friend generating powers of someone who is capable of losing $43 million, COURTNEY LOVE, still hasn't managed to do what it seems she most WANTS to do: sell her crap-ass records. Well that and drowning out the whimpering voice from the grave of her dear departed murdered by her hand husband.

LINDA STOCKHOLM'S FIRST SEXUAL EXPERIENCE WAS WITH A DOG

NOT LINDA, BUT MIGHT AS WELL BE

We hate to repeat this about as much as we hated hearing it in the first place. But she was always such an empty vessel, it was nice to finally hear that she had managed to do something worthwhile with her life. Like fuck a dog.

Her reasons? The dog kept humping her leg anyway.

Her final impressions? "Who knew dogs had so much cum?"

You do, Linda. You do.

KOBE DIDN'T DO IT

NOW THE MURDER? THAT HE DID. WHAT? YOU NEVER HEARD OF THAT? NO ONE'S REPORTED A MISSING PIZZA DELIVERY GUY? FORGET WE SAID ANYTHING THEN.

She got a little peckish when what she thought was love ended up being a dick up the duker and a sports center newscast turned up to drown out her story about her recent graduation hijinx. But yeah yeah, KOBE is guilty of nothing but loving, not poorly, but unwisely. And in the ass. Of fucking course.

WE FUCKED KATHY WOODS

HOW DO YOU THINK WE GOT THE PICTURE?

Yo. Eminem. Nice engagement ring you got your thong-wearing girl there. You know how she said she was going shopping? Well unless they opened up a Semen Store at Stonestown, I'm guessing you been jobbed. Enjoy your life. Glad to be part of it.

CHARLIZE THERON DUMPED STEPHEN JENKINS BECAUSE HE SUCKED IN BED. AND HE WAS GAY. HE WAS GAY & HE SUCKED IN BED WITH A NON-GAY MAN. GO FIGURE.

I'D HAVE THOUGHT THOSE THIRD EYE BLIND RECORDS WOULD BE ENOUGH

She is a movie star. He was a rockstar. It was a match made in marketing heaven. The Heaven of Premature Ejaculators, that is. You see, he came too goddamn quick. All the time. Like without fail. In fact if there was one thing she could count on NOT failing, it would have been his unerring penchant for always coming too soon. Perhap so's he could get back to his real job: tomfoolery and ass-toolery.

Thanks for the inside scoop on this one, Jason.

ORACLE'S LARRY ELLISON HAS HERPES

AND SO NOW DOES SHE

Sometimes we have to let you all know we're not fucking around. That we're not just mean-spirited vile fuckheads. That we're...wait a minute. We ARE just mean-spirited vile fuckheads. But we ain't liars. I mean would we wantonly take swipes at the second richest man in America if we were NOT on the up and up?

Fuck no, we wouldn't. So do your damnedest, tough guy. We got PROOF.

AND TO BURN OUR LAST GODDAMNED BRIDGE: HEATHER GRAHAM RACES LIKE A FUCKHORSE

COME TO VINNIE, BABY. COME TO VINNIE

She's a hot fucking animal machine for no reason less than the fact that she could fuck the face off of a clock. Seriously. Like a chainsaw. Come away with your cock intact? Does the pope have nuts? We thought so.

THREE'S A COCK CROWDED COMPANY OF COOZE

YO VINNIE,
My girl keeps talking about a threesome. Mostly because she knows I've done it before. I don't if she wants to compete with me or just wants to make me happy but I KNOW she's not cut out for it and rather than have to endure a night of uncomfortable shit, I'd like to decline. Now, she's hurt. How would you have handled this?--Todd (by email)

.......AND THEN YOU WOKE UP

Dear Mr. We Should Have Such Fucking Problems: Well there are lots of answers absent from your reekingly sad, vaguely homosexual maunderings. Does she want to have a male-female-male threesome? (In which case she's a cock monster at whose alter you should worship.) Does she want to have a female-male-female threesome? (In which case she just really, really, really wants to make you happy, is laying the groundwork for a MFM, or has lesbo leanings.) Or is it the male-female-dog variant that has you so fezzed up? (You're on your own here. But a word of advice: get film.) My guess is, Mother Theresa, that if you're worrying about hurting her feelings then she's GOT feelings and you should dump her immediately and truck with tramps that know how to fucking LIVE life.

JOEY SILVERA'S STRAP ATTACK #2

Evil Angel

Rating: FOUR "Johnny? Are You Gay?" BUSTED NUTS

Let’s justsay you are gay, and enjoy watching men suck dildos and then being fucked in the ass aforementioned dildo, well, then I’d say this film is appropriate. Though, being gay, you might consider the fact that it is women doing the fucking somewhat less exciting. If you are a straight guy, however, who likes being fucked in the ass, but find the idea of the cock fucking you being attached to another man rather disagreeable, then the “strap-on-cock” concept should hit the spot, literally, as well as men’s g-spot or p-spot or whatever is supposed to be up their ass.

IF YOU ARE PRESENTLY A LITTLE WOOZY CONSIDERING WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN HERE? DON'T GET THIS FUCKING VID. CONSIDER YOURSELF GODDAMN WARNED.

Now if you are a man who is whatsoever NOT attracted to the idea of being fucked in the ass by neither men nor women, or a woman like myself who is whatsoever NOT excited by seeing men presented like “bitches”, then this film is a waste of your time.

I can understand that the concept of being fucked in the ass is of interest though, considering…but sucking a dildo? Why? Why waste sucking action on a toy? Perhaps I am too practical, but seriously, there are pussies right there in front of their faces and they suck a fucking dildo? Besides, none of the guys seemed very comfortable doing so either, and I can’t say I blame them. But then again this is a porn film not meant for ME to like, even though I was quite happy to see ARIANA JOLLEE again, who I think is a very cool and sexy girl with loads [emphasis on LOADS] of enthusiasm and spirit. She can easily be your alibi to see this film, IF you need one. I also do find the idea of the tables being turned amusing, but then again I don’t watch porn for the sake of amusement.

In the end though, if I try really hard to imagine that I am a dude who rather likes the idea of being fucked in the ass by sexy and slightly dominating women, then I’d say this is pretty much a-ok. -- ANGEL BABY

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/232694.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

WHEN GOD SAYS "FUCK YOU!!!"

A train struck a paraplegic in a motorized wheelchair who was on his way to church, killing him, police said. Duane MacIntosh, 52, of Muncie, had just left one church on his way to another Sunday morning when the 38-car CSX train hit him at a crossing. A stroke and two brain surgeries paralyzed one side of MacIntosh’s body after a fall several years ago, authorities said. MacIntosh was heading to Mount Zion Baptist Church when he was hit, police said. The engine struck MacIntosh and the chair, throwing them into the air, with MacIntosh landing about 30 feet from the impact. Emergency crews took MacIntosh to Ball Memorial Hospital where he was pronounced dead at 11:54 a.m.